Live Earth is promoting green to save the planet – what planet are they on?

Celebrities are falling to earth. Their handlers, the media that builds them up and supports them, are being exposed as ignorant to the ways of the twenty first century. In the twenty first century, you keep your head down, you do your work, you don’t rise above and tell everybody how great you are, because TRULY, you’re just like everybody else, and you can bet there’s some reporter, some KID who’s going to EXPOSE THIS FACT!

To watch Madonna try to cling to her past fame would be funny if it weren’t so creepy. The way she blinked and did a dance album after her CD sales tanked. Wasn’t Madonna about testing the limits, bringing the hoi polloi into the future? Not anymore. She needs to be loved and adored, famous. Have that attitude, and you’re ripe for exposure.

There was the adoption in Africa. Now the hypocrisy of her saving the planet when she’s doing her best to KILL IT!

Madonna was asking for it. What I can’t understand is, HOW COME SHE DIDN’T SEE IT COMING?

Today’s credible acts are in bed with their audience. They answer fan e-mail. They don’t try to be better, but EQUAL! It started with the Dave Matthews Band, but now, with the Net in full bloom, new acts with an everyday character are going to rule. At least those who last more than five minutes.

Like Jack Johnson. He foresaw the backlash, he created a green recording studio, he’s been dedicated to the cause for years. Madonna? A PHOTO OP! A way to get more publicity, to be in the public eye!

That’s the old way.

But if that way were working, why would sales of "superstars" be tanking?

We live in a pull economy, not a push one. Madonna is on the verge of becoming a laughable joke. This wasn’t necessary, if only she and her handlers were living in the TWENTY FIRST CENTURY!

All your dirty laundry? You can’t keep it in the hamper, it’s going to come out. If your past is going to contradict your present, SHUT THE FUCK UP! Otherwise, do a preemptive strike.

If Kevin Wall and Al Gore had been smart, they would have gotten Bob Geldof’s approval IN ADVANCE! They would have signed up their naysayers. To blunt their attack. Instead, every mainstream publication quotes Sir Bob, wondering what the effect of these shows will be.

It’s funny to watch the boomers, those running the old establishment, colliding with the new world. There’s a generation gap almost as big as there was in the sixties. Sure, today’s kids listen to our music, but THEY’RE COMPUTER SAVVY! And, it’s less about rising above than BEING A MEMBER OF THE GROUP!

There’s no study of their culture. Just a ramming down their throat of the major media companies’ priorities.

Those pesky kids who ruined the labels’ bottom line? They’re gonna TAKE OVER THE BUSINESS! And it’s not going to look the same! They were laid off at the majors, only the old, overpaid assholes kept their jobs. Oh, how stupid this was.

It’s funny to watch. The old guard HAS LOST ITS WAY!

‘Green’ Means Money, Not Environmentalism to Madonna

 We no longer live in the 80s. With seemingly a thousand cable channels, and endless Websites, to get everybody interested you need a rallying point, something that hits people, TODAY!

You should read Seth Godin’s blog about this. Ironically, global-warming THEMED!

Seth Godin – Times a Million

If the situation was that dire, why was there such a run-up in the planning? Was someone going to die of global warming TODAY?

Maybe they should have sold it as species going extinct in Alaska TODAY! Yeah, I know the planet’s heating up as a result of man’s activities, but my dad would freak if we left the refrigerator door open or a light on FORTY YEARS AGO!

An awareness campaign? Isn’t that like a Public Service Announcement? The kind a drunken celebrity makes after they hurt someone in a car accident, before they drink and drive AGAIN?

But it gets worse. The sponsors believe we somehow care about all these acts.

I tuned in last night and saw the John Butler Trio in Australia, and they were surprisingly good, but I was just testing out the Web feed, I don’t really give a shit about the John Butler Trio, I don’t give a shit about almost ALL of these acts! And I don’t HAVE TO!

I wish real Top Forty radio would come back, the best of the best of all genres, but I can’t see it happening. A popster isn’t going to sit through a country song. A rap fan won’t be able to reach the dial FAST ENOUGH! An assembly of a bunch of stuff I don’t want to see, interspersed with a few acts I do, just seems interminable, something I want nothing to do with.

The reason Live Aid worked was because of MTV. An assemblage of acts of this caliber, all televised on one TV channel, a channel that was OURS, was enough for us to rally around.

The reason Live 8 worked was because of the reunion of Pink Floyd. Something we wished would happen, and never seemed to. And, the fact that the band said it was a one time only affair. (And, the fact that the band HASN’T reunited thereafter has increased their cred. You know how it is, you test the waters, it’s all part of a calculated dash for cash.) If the Police WEREN’T ON TOUR it would be enough to tune in. Without the reunion of a classic act, we just don’t give a shit. Could have been the original Guns N’ Roses. MAYBE the original Eagles, but I don’t think people care enough. The JACKSONS? Something to truly make it a one time only event. We don’t want MORE, we just want SPECIAL!

Speaking of special, we don’t think Bravo is for music. Nor MSNBC. The fact that MTV screwed up Live 8 does not mean a music channel should not get THIS show. Maybe one of their digital channels, maybe Fuse. But utilizing Sundance and CNBC is like highlights on NBC. They’re doing us a FAVOR, they don’t care about US! (Oops, the highlights ARE on NBC!)

Or maybe truly jump into the 21st century. The show can ONLY be seen on the Web! With interaction on YouTube and MySpace. The person with the best MySpace Live Earth page gets to emcee. YouTube videos about how INDIVIDUALS are doing their part, stopping global warming. And then, if there is a TV feed, some of these YouTube videos make it to broadcast/cable. The 21st century is all about involving the audience. The audience isn’t involved here, they’re passively watching, if they’re doing this AT ALL! How EIGHTIES!

Music doesn’t drive the culture. To think otherwise is to have no knowledge of the marketplace. I don’t think we GIVE A SHIT about a concert, PERIOD! Maybe lemonade stands for global warming, once again, get the public INVOLVED!

But it’s a sad state of affairs when the backlash is about Madonna holding interests in polluting companies and acts contributing to the problem with their travel. The acts used to be Gods, now they’re just one step above the celebutantes on TMZ. If you want to have cred today, unless you’re already an icon, you say NO! You DON’T want the opportunity to reach EVERYBODY, you’re fearful of alienating your core audience. You want to cement the bond with YOUR people first and foremost.

In a TiVo world sitting in front of the tube and watching what you don’t want to is BEYOND frustrating. Spend all day in front of the television? God, it’s no longer 1985. Let me just dial in the highlights I want to see, not only act by act, but SONG BY SONG! THAT’S the festival. The Website launches with everything sliced and diced. THERE IS NO SIMULCAST! And maybe intersperse the message, told by celebs with cred. Get people TO DO something when they watch. Shit, how can "American Idol" get it so right, and Kevin Wall GET IT SO WRONG? AI works because people believe it’s THEIR SHOW! We don’t believe Live Earth is our show. Maybe we could have voted on who we wanted to see. OR NOT SEE! Add an edge. In Web world, there’s cutting honesty, not the bland we’re all friends of network television. Live Earth is network television.

More is sometimes less. One show, with true headliners, not seen recently, was enough. Doing it all over the world just dilutes the message. Where everybody in the world can tune in to see an event happening ANYWHERE, why do we need to have the EVENTS EVERYWHERE! Maybe one event in a space ravaged by temperatures rising. In Greenland, where the ice is melting.

The days of rounding up bands to sell your message are passe. You’ve got to tweak the concept, you’ve got to respect the audience and get it involved. This didn’t happen here.

Live Earth is so misconceived, so lame on so many levels, that most people just don’t care. They’ve done a DISSERVICE to the cause!

 1. The traffic goes west, not east.

When I first moved to Santa Monica, it was too far from Hollywood, where all the action was. But now seemingly every entertainment company has moved west of the 405. It was clear sailing from my house to downtown, but in the other direction? OH BOY! And it was 7 a.m!

2. You’ve got to zoom out in MapQuest for context.

I’ve been to the criminal courts building. Back when I was arrested for DUI.

But that was obviously a different kind of crime, because the Clara Shortridge Foltz Criminal Justice Center is south of the 101, not the 10! I stopped to ask a cop directions as I floundered in no-man’s land, looking for Lot #17 at the intersection of 1st and Olive. After castigating me for double-parking, the officer was very helpful.

3. Humanity is not pretty.

Or maybe it’s that L.A.’s not pretty. Unless you want to say PRETTY UGLY!

All those images of Angelenos in the magazines? When you get a random cattle call, L.A. looks just like America.

But I hope the landscape of the rest of America doesn’t look so bad. Barren. Maybe, like the removal of dams, turning lakes back into rivers, we should undo William Mulholland’s work, cut off the flow of agua from the Sierras and everybody should move away!

4. We’ve become a land of security.

How effective? Well, it seems like we’re not in the league of the Brits, but we do have metal detectors.

L.A.’s not quite like NYC, where you have your PICTURE taken before you fly up the elevator, but the queue of people waiting to be searched backed up all the way out the door of the courthouse, and that was FAR!

Which brings me to number 5…

5. Nothing starts on time in L.A.

We were supposed to be in our seats on the 11th floor by 7:45.

In NYC, that would have happened. But with the vagaries of traffic, NOBODY arrives on time in L.A., and no one EXPECTS YOU TO!

I used to be punctual, I ended up being the greeting committee everywhere I went.

Despite my detour south of the 10, I still would have been in my seat at 7:45 if it weren’t for the massive security line.

We started at 8:15.

6. One third of the people who show up leave.

Maybe you haven’t gotten the memo, but you CAN’T get off jury duty anymore. Impossible. Unless you’re dead or have committed a felony and have lost the right to vote. Oh, there are a couple of other exceptions, BUT YOU DON’T QUALIFY! Self-employed? Financial hardship? DEAF? They don’t give a shit.

So you do your time.

Hell, the judge giving the greeting went on about Kurt Russell being there recently, and serving over a week on a jury.

I think she could have come up with a better example. Does Kurt Russell have anything BETTER to do?

As for those leaving, you can postpone via the phone or the Web. So what kind of idiot shows up at the crack of dawn to ask for a postponement (up to a year, if I remember correctly, I missed that, I was checking my CrackBerry). I say these people SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SIT ON A JURY! Maybe they can break rocks for a day, or something equally mindless.

7. One day/one trial DOES NOT MEAN IF YOU’RE NOT ON A JURY YOU’RE EXCUSED AFTER ONE DAY!

You see they might call you as late as 4 PM. And they might not have enough time to go through the process of PICKING JURORS, and you might have to come back ANOTHER DAY, even though you might not ultimately be impaneled. I started to get VERY uptight. I could see my life slipping away.

8. Not all questions are stupid.

Usually, get a group of humans together, and they’ll ask the most inane questions. But those asked after the endless delineation of procedure, akin to Warren Oates greeting the privates in "Stripes", actually hadn’t been answered/covered.

Imagine doing this HALF HOUR INTRO EVERY DAY!

American workers are bored out of their minds.

9. My personal theory.

Work for someone who doesn’t pay you for jury duty. Because those with the longer paid leaves seem to be picked first.

10. It’s unclear whether the jury room is safe.

The seat I was in was uncomfortable. I moved to one with a more rigid back, but it turns out someone resembling a gang member returned from the bathroom and told me he had it first. He sat down behind me and eyed me for half an hour straight. I moved.

11. Everybody thinks their job is important.

Next to me now was a real estate agent, some kind of guy in real estate. He talked via BLUETOOTH on his damn cellphone about some closing for SO LONG, with SO many people in SUCH a non-frazzled manner that I couldn’t believe the subject was important, and couldn’t believe that he couldn’t hold the damn phone up to his ear so maybe I could be saved knowing the intimate details of his life.

12. Tattoos/piercings render a halo around you.

The biggest empty space? Next to the girl with tattoos crawling up her arms and one of those bull nose rings. She looked like a slightly larger Amy Winehouse. She typed on her Sidekick and I had plenty of room to stretch out and read.

13. Don’t think we can’t see up your skirt.

A chubby woman across the way wasn’t wearing the shortest skirt, but when she picked up her cell to dial a friend, you could see right into…well, let’s just call it the heart of the matter.

Cotton panties are not yet extinct. Today, I’m an authority.

14. Not every person who looks like a gang member is discourteous.

There was one TV in the joint, unfortunately right across from me.

A guy who looked like he might knife me if I looked at him the wrong way switched on the set, but kept turning down the volume so the rest of us wouldn’t be bugged. I want him to live next to ME! The neighbors will be scared, and I’ll live in PEACE!

15. Not all the Live Earth coverage is positive.

Stunningly, it was the L.A. "Times" that slagged the festival, not the "New York Times".

I’ve got to ask you, is this series of shows about global warming or Kevin Wall’s ego?

Because if it’s about global warming, I don’t think it’s gonna have one iota of effect.

I mean who gives a shit about most of these musicians. Almost none of them stand for anything other than MONEY!

How about a day without a/c. Or a distribution of fluorescent lightbulbs with concert tickets. Yup, rather than charge people for a digital album, give them something they can USE! Not new music they don’t care about by a dinosaur act, but a path to the FUTURE!

16. I want to go to Glacier National Park before the glaciers melt.

Read today’s "New York Times" article in "Escapes". The pictures are BREATHTAKING!

And if you have any questions about today’s news, I’m your man. I know every line in the L.A. and NY "Times" and the WSJ. It was like being on a cross-country flight, but at the end YOU’RE STILL IN THE SAME PLACE!

17. Memories never leave you.

During the break, I walked down to Grand Central Market, the open air food bazaar where I hadn’t been in the better part of three decades, since my old girlfriend and I bought a book about L.A. and started exploring.

I don’t explore anymore. You can’t DRIVE ANYWHERE!

But that day we spent downtown, it came right back. Not only Grand Central Market and the Bradbury Building, but her.

18. You’ll have less of a chance of getting sick on a 787.

That’s something I learned in the paper. You see, since there are so many composites, instead of metals, they can turn up the MOISTURE!

But you don’t have to fly to get sick. The guy next to me after lunch brought a cold severe enough to infect the ENTIRE JURY POOL!

19. Sudoku rules.

Everybody was doing it.

20. They lie.

They said there was no way in HELL we’d get out until at least four, probably five.

Oh, I was getting fidgety. How long can you sit in one place? As they got closer to the appointed hour, the odds of being called for a jury and having to come ANOTHER DAY increased!

But, instead of pulling more names, at three they announced early dismissal. We clapped.

21. Stay to the end.

They had roll call. If you weren’t there, you had to come back another day.

As for us, we were clear for a year.

22. Authoritarianism/school sucks.

Oh, it comes back. We’re so used to regulating our own lives, making our own schedules. To be at the mercy of an institution, to have to follow specific rules, under penalty of perjury, it’s enough to give you a PANIC ATTACK!

23. Like having a baby, you forget how bad the experience is.

I was uptight for months. With increasing anxiety for the last week.

I was clear up until the last day, TODAY, when they got me.

Turns out they needed a big pool for a twenty day trial. At least that’s my theory. Like I referenced above, only those who got paid for jury duty seemed to be called.

Then again, I didn’t talk to anybody. Except for the dude next to me with the new Verizon World BlackBerry.

He likes it.

I was stunned this little 28 year old pisher (I looked at his form) needed an overseas connection. But that’s jury duty in L.A. You’ll never know who you’ll find.

Hell, they had Han Solo on the wall. Yup, they had plaques of celebrities who’d served.

I’m not itching to be up there.

Who’s this chick’s lawyer? He’s all she’s got left. And with advice like this, Kelly should fire him TOO!

Kelly Clarkson is a waitress from Texas who was catapulted to fame on her singing ability. Does one expect her to be a student of the business, knowledgeable in all facets of the entertainment game? No, for that she needs the aforementioned attorney, and a MANAGER! With her best interests at heart, who will guide her career appropriately.

Kelly Clarkson is a mass pop artist. If she wants off Sony/BMG and wants to cut alternative folk rock for an indie, SO BE IT! But I wouldn’t advise her to do so, and I don’t believe that’s what she really wants. No, she just wants someone in her corner, who can keep her in the public eye, but navigate the waters with Clive and CAA and the rest of those with a piece of her.

I don’t know Narvel Blackstock. Could be a perfectly nice guy. With a modicum of talent. But he’s in fucking NASHVILLE and last I checked, pop stars were centered in HOLLYWOOD!

Sure, Reba had a TV show. Sure, she still can do live gigs. But try trading out favors at Top Forty radio. Shit, you come up with NOTHING!

As for Narvel’s other hit act, Blake Shelton, he too is country. When you’re negotiating for Kelly to play the Grammys you’re gonna offer up..?

Kelly needs Irving.

Ever wonder why Christina Aguilera seems to be on EVERY AWARDS SHOW KNOWN TO MAN? Those are Irving’s relationships, which he works. The business is RIDDLED with people who owe him, and those who don’t…well, he’s got so much else to offer and trade.

Christina Aguilera was mad at her label. She wanted control.

Irving delivered this. He defended her right to make that inane/insane boxing video, which got chewed up in the press. But having gotten that out of her system, the ballad was released, and suddenly, Christina’s career has been rehabilitated, she’s seen as the only one of the boy band explosion with talent other than Justin Timberlake. She’s seen as a CREDIBLE ARTIST! Everyone says she can SING! Shit, her personal life is no longer a train-wreck. Even the tabloids have laid off. She’s married, she’s not flashing her cootchie in the middle of the night on the streets of Beverly Hills.

Give Irving credit. He fought for her and protected her. And had the power to do so.

If you’re a floundering classic rocker, someone who needs their cred pampered, who needs to reach those who kick the tires, you need to be with Q Prime. The Chili Peppers could be the biggest band on the Continent. And their double album is double platinum in an era where that almost never happens. And the run! It’s gone on for fifteen years!

But if you want to break the mold, you’ve got to be with Terry McBride. He’s the one trying all kinds of new, innovative shit. If he’s not the first, he’ll jump on the bandwagon without hesitating.

Oh, there are other great managers around. But even Bruce Allen has multiple clients. That adds to his power, as well as his ability to roar and his seeming inability to wind down and take it easy, always on the case, always thinking.

The manager is critical. And Kelly Clarkson has just fucked up again. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? ISN’T ANYBODY GONNA SET THIS GIRL STRAIGHT?

She’s probably down with Narvel because she did a country track with Reba. The old saw of go with who you know, who you trust. But that saw only goes so far in this new era. In the nineties, all the middle level managers went to work for the labels. Now, you’ve got the powerhouses and the wannabes. To not realize this is to be uninformed of the landscape.

If you want to play on the world stage, appear on TV, field the big time media opportunities, you need a big time manager. Someone with not only the smarts, but the POWER!

Let’s see… Irving is partially owned by the company that owns TicketMaster. His partner Howard is a pillar of LiveNation’s success. Irving helped build AEG Live. He’s #1 at Wal-Mart. If you want to live in the netherworld between country and pop, his organization controls the Dixie Chicks.

You don’t want to sign with Isuzu, you want to be with TOYOTA! The biggest who always gets it right, whom you trust, with years in the industry, on the UPSWING!

The labels no longer control the marketplace. They’re just desperate shadows of their former selves trying to figure out how to book revenue. The power has shifted to the manager.

Get the right manager for your act.

Sure, Irving had to WANT Kelly. But that’s where she should have gone first.

Just like if you’re a metal band, a band with cred, you need to call Cliff Burnstein first. And, if you’re willing to try a completely new paradigm, collapsing all the rights into one entity, you need to be with Nettwerk.

Come on people, there are only so many chairs in the room. For someone to convince you there are more is to pull the wool over your eyes!