Musicians.  What a pain in the ass.  They make the music, but they’re not good at anything else.  Like SELLING their fucking music.

Or could it be that Radiohead is just too old wave.  This wouldn’t happen with a new band.  New bands are WIRED, they UNDERSTAND the Internet.  Whereas now we know that Radiohead doesn’t really believe in files, they live still live in the nineties, we’re supposed to buy the CD!

Tell that to everybody who coughed up more than nothing for the download.  Yup, you’re gonna release a CD with BONUS TRACKS!  What fucking assholes.  Does this make you any better than the majors you supposedly loathe, adding new tracks to old CDs for Christmas, fucking the true fans in the ass?

Bad enough that we couldn’t hear the music first.  THIS is a breakthrough?  So, you’ve got a dedicated fan base, which will buy your record without hearing it first.  But that’s the SEVENTIES model, that’s not today.  Why can’t we hear it first, SOME OF IT FIRST, before we lay our money down (and don’t tell me they played some of the material live in concert, you’re just a dedicated Radiohead fan who believes the band can do no wrong).  If it’s that good, wouldn’t we want it ANYWAY?

Maybe not.

And if CDs sound so fucking good, why not sell FLACS TODAY?  Something Phish started doing FOUR YEARS AGO?  It’s not like it’s impossible.  Maybe you want to charge more, for bandwidth costs.  But that would fuck with your business/tip jar model.  But maybe, if you wanted FLAC (lossless for the uninitiated, essentially CD quality), you had to pay a minimum of five bucks, two and a half pounds.  Hell, you had a fixed price for the BOX!

And if the CD is so fucking good, why do we have to WAIT?

This is bait and switch.  It was implied you got the whole album if you signed up for the downloads.  There was no mention of CD extras.

Heads have been exploding in New York and L.A. for two weeks now.  Even the mainstream media has caught on.  What the HELL happened to the record business?  Radiohead and Madonna just jumped ship, and the Eagles said they were going EARLIER in the year.  Where IS the answer from the major labels?  Any other industry would fight back.  Make an announcement of transparent accounting, new splits.  But all we get is Universal complaining that Apple takes too much of THEIR money.  There’s NO money without the acts.  Why not a better split for the acts?  Why not a return of COPYRIGHTS to the acts?  You write a book, you own it.  Write a hit record and you pay for it and the label STILL OWNS IT!

Pay what you like isn’t a business model, it’s a MARKETING STUNT!  And, Radiohead is acknowledging this by pooh-poohing the downloads and saying you’ve got to get the CD, to hear their music RIGHT!

While you’re at it boys, are you going to go into business with STEREO manufacturers?  Getting everybody decent equipment?  Have you SEEN a stereo recently?  In the nineties, it was all-in-one crap.  Now, it’s two tweeters and a subwoofer (if you’re lucky), connected to a computer, costing UNDER A HUNDRED BUCKS!  Oh, your music’s gonna sound FUCKING FANTASTIC ON THAT RIG!

And if someone is really worried about sound quality, and most people are not, they can rip your CD in Apple Lossless format (which most people don’t even know exists, deep in the iTunes preferences).  Once again, why couldn’t you just sell these people the music THIS WAY?

I’m surprised the band even SOLD files.  Deigned to get in bed with the filthy masses.  While you’re at it, why don’t you tell your audience to sell their Toyotas and buy Ferraris, so they can understand what driving is REALLY about.  Better yet, why not take on Ford and GM, get them to put in more sound insulation, so no road noise intrudes while your fans are listening to music.  Oops, they drive foreign cars, which are often NOISIER!

Don’t shit on me and in your holier than thou voice tell me you know better.  You implied I could get your album for whatever I thought it was worth.  You didn’t tell me you were going to sell me a three-legged stool when I really needed one with four protrusions.  I can’t fix my three-pronged one, I’ve got to buy a WHOLE NEW ONE!

Do us a favor Radiohead.  Tell us you’re going to e-mail codes to everybody who purchased "In Rainbows" online so they can get the bonus material included on the CD FOR FREE!  And then stop talking shit about files.  CDs sound bad.  I’m surprised you’re even selling them.  The sampling rate is so LOW!  Why not make everybody buy an SACD player, to hear your music right.  Or, buy turntables to hear the infinitely superior vinyl.

You think you’re doing something innovative, but it just looks like you’ve got contempt for your audience.  I never fire up the big rig anymore.  I LOVE my iPod.  Files rule.  Get OVER IT!

Universal Music Takes on iTunes

1. Price matters.  If it didn’t, the PC wouldn’t have trumped the Mac the first time around.

2. Music is important, but so is software.  There’s a reason AOL cleaned up in the first Internet wave, it was USABLE!  Sure, AOL’s model was eventually eclipsed, but it took ten years, and it wasn’t about cost, but service.  You could get broadband from your cable company for, in many cases, the same price as AOL’s inferior dialup.  iTunes and the iPod are a seamless solution.  So far, no one has come close to replicating either, never mind the combined effect of both.  The Zune is a brick without easy navigation, and Sony’s history is littered with undesirable players, never mind unfathomable software and the now deceased Connect.  It’s not only about the cost, after all, Apple succeeded by releasing the most expensive MP3 player back in 2001, with the $400 iPod, but the EXPERIENCE!

3. People want to own their music.  They will give up ownership when rental FEELS like ownership.  Try synching a Sansa to Rhapsody, then tell me Total can work.  I believe a rental-style model will succeed in the future, but not the near future.  Doug would be better off licensing P2P or authorizing an eMusic model for major label product in the interim.

4. Apple is not the enemy.  To demonize Apple is akin to blaming the Bay City Rollers for killing music.  Turns out most people just don’t want to pay a buck a track.  Give Doug kudos for trying a new business model, but Apple is an ally.  According to Universal, Apple’s crime is keeping 30 cents on the dollar – what, a retailer can’t make a profit anymore?  Not allowing Universal variable pricing, i.e. higher prices?  A better solution is to go in partnership with Apple, have Apple run the Total service.  You know why?  Because the Apple faithful will follow the company anywhere.  Because Steve Jobs can sell ice to Inuits.  Only Steve could convince the public to go with rental today, that’s how much power he has.  Still, most people won’t.  But they’ll believe a service from Apple will work, they won’t believe a service from ANYBODY ELSE will work.

5. Installed base.  Better idea is a way to fill the iPods that already exist.  Don’t abandon your base.  Yes, iPod owners are music lovers.  And they’re more dedicated to Apple than almost any act.

6. Get over yourself.  Doug Morris is not stupid, but he’s an old wave player failing miserably in a new world.  He knows how to sign talent.  Maybe develop it.  But if he knew how to sell it, Universal wouldn’t be in shit shape financially.  The way out is to license your music to everybody, let the techies develop the new model, in concert with the public.  Trying to convince the public to go your way, when you have no idea of what they want, and no familiarity with tech, is like trying to sell Vudu boxes.

7. The talent Doug needs does not need Doug.  Sure, if he can find a way to get them paid, they’re interested.  But, Radiohead, Madonna, the Charlatans, Jamiroquai, Oasis and the Eagles would rather be in business with someone who truly has bucks, who’s not going to fuck with them, who doesn’t have a history of screwing them, like Apple, like Fortune 500 companies.  Why take pennies from Doug when you can get millions from Wal-Mart?

8. Unlock the music.  As Jim Griffin always says, license the anarchy.  Rather than telling every restaurant and coffee shop to stop playing music, or getting them to write down each and every song they play, get a fee, then divvy it up amongst rights holders.  It’s kind of like YouTube.  Instead of trying to get people NOT to use copyrighted music in their videos, find out a way to get PAID FOR THIS USE!  Instead of suing people to stop trading, instead of trying to convince them to rent instead of buy, license/charge them for their present use, and follow the evolution of technology.  Instead of saying no, say yes.  Doug and Universal’s days as a monopoly are done.  If their shareholders had a say, if their boards truly understood the business, they’d say to STOP LEAVING MONEY ON THE TABLE!  Make deals with everybody.  Acknowledge what’s really going on.  STOP trying to convince people to do what you want them to.

I have a friend who committed suicide. He woke up, found his wife with another man, saw the carnage in his wake, and couldn’t stand living one more day. He had too much shame, he’d lost all hope, that everybody could forget what he’d done, forgive him, that he could regain his old life. I heard the desperation in his voice two weeks before. I told him I’d come right over, even though it was the middle of the night. I was afraid he wouldn’t make it through. But he did. And three days before he hung himself his tonality was totally different. He was no longer freaked out, he was resigned. I heard it in his voice. I wasn’t surprised when I got the call. I didn’t expect it, but I understood it. I thought in the watchful eye of his family he’d get through. But you can’t get through when your inner flame is extinguished. I know, because I’ve lived so close to that line, and so far from satisfaction.

They don’t prepare you for how life works out. Your parents tell you to get an education, to get a career. As if the necessities of life can be bought with money. But this is untrue, just like the Beatles sang, money can’t buy you love.

I wasn’t looking for love when I found it. It was purely by accident. But you know it when you feel it. You tingle all over, you can’t get them out of your mind, even though you’ve parted ways hours ago and you’re lying in bed alone. It’s the POSSIBILITIES that enrapture you, you see a whole life in front of you. The picture is not colored in, but it’s a vast canvas, and you can’t wait to investigate.

Some people say they know when they meet someone they’re going to marry them. I can’t say that’s what I felt. But when she said that’s what she wanted, I acceded. Even though I was worried about her history, the endless string of abandonments in her wake.

But she was fully alive. And she loved me. I thought that might be enough. It wasn’t. But when she left, I was not prepared. I foresaw it as soon as I met her, that I’d only have her for a little while. But she set me straight, she convinced me otherwise. Trust your gut, that’s the only lesson I can impart right now.

You can’t explain it to your parents. Your life slowly compresses. All those couples events, you’re suddenly left out. The bed’s too big without them. You try to find new love. You’re clumsy and desperate, it doesn’t work. And then the depression sets in. You’re convinced you’ll never replace them.

On one hand, I escaped the craziness, the inability to finish anything. But I lost the exuberance, the support. Suddenly, I was no longer convinced I had life figured out. Everything was topsy-turvy. I was questioning everything, like that old Firesign Theatre record, was everything I knew wrong?

If I told you what it took to get through, you wouldn’t believe it. I wasn’t homeless, but I wrote some bad checks that the new landlord didn’t bother to deposit until the money magically appeared. You see, simultaneous with her departure, I ran out of money. Completely. Try facing the week with less than twenty dollars in your pocket, with no idea where the next infusion is going to come from.

Not that anybody believes your story. You have to be there to understand. I got freaked out about going places. What if my car broke down? Could I really afford valet parking?

And then my father died. And she called and cried. But I’d be lying if I told you that made me feel good. Where was she in my moment of agony?

I was sliding towards the edge, inexorably and inevitably. I couldn’t get a grip, I was losing touch with the world. Till the earthquake pushed me firmly over the edge, and I could cope no longer, and I gave up.

I was rescued by a psychiatrist that the $24,000 I got from my father paid for. And I’d be lying if I told you I was fully back. But I’m trying. But at unexpected moments, almost always when I’m alone, I start to sink.

I’m looking for hooks, to keep me on terra firma.

I used to go to the movies every night. But now everyone agrees the golden age of movies was the seventies, and although there are more flicks than ever, few are worth seeing. And TV’s not a bad replacement. But it takes place at home. And the loneliness creeps back in as soon as you turn the set off.

I used to count on music. But all the understanding, all the identification I found in the great tunes of yore…it was rare in the new compositions. It was about fashion and marketing. And maybe that’s why I’m so against selling out. This music kept me alive. I don’t want anything sullying it.

I had quite a day. First I was on WNYC, discussing the Radiohead album. Then I was interviewed by "BusinessWeek". And, just before I started listening to the new Eagles album, I was tracked down by NPR for tomorrow’s "Morning Edition". I couldn’t ask for more. But if you think the foregoing makes a life, you’re wrong. Life is made by people, by relationships.

I’m in a relationship now. With another person who’s been wounded. We’re trying to make our parts mesh. But we’re burdened by too many bad experiences, there are constantly misunderstandings. But we persevere. Because that’s what we have in common, commitment and dedication.

I’m leaving my old life behind. But at moments it creeps back in. Like in the mountains only an hour ago. I was listening to the new Eagles album on my iPod and I heard this song, "Waiting In The Weeds". It spoke of hope, or rather the evaporation thereof.

I don’t know when I realized the dream was over
Well, there was no particular hour, no given day
You know, it didn’t go down in flame
There was no final scene, no frozen frame
I just watched it slowly fade away

I thought the fact we weren’t divorced meant we had a chance of getting back together, that was my ace in the hole.

Sometimes the ace is not the highest card in the deck.

I think I just realized the dream was over. It’s about bonding with someone new. But the dream faded so slowly.

And I’ve been waiting in the weeds
Waiting for the dust to settle down
Along the back roads, running through the fields
Lying on the outskirts of this lonesome town
And I imagine sunlight in your hair
You’re at the county fair
You’re holding hands and laughing
And now, the Ferris wheel has stopped
You’re swinging on the top, suspended there with him

I didn’t run into her at the fair, but the Pier. With her new guy, who seemed to have no idea who I was. She seemed uncomfortable, she wanted nothing to do with me. She asked me if I had any money. And then she was gone.

I’ve been stumbling through some dark places
But I’m following the plow
I know I’ve fallen out of your good graces
But it’s all right now

Shortly thereafter, we instituted divorce proceedings. The six month waiting period was eerie. Then the day arrived, and I was free.

I’ve been to some dark places. I hope you haven’t been. But I’m beginning to believe it’s the human condition. Try to hang on, do what you need to get through. Try to avoid numbing the pain. Rely on your friends. If you can just hang on, you can get through. At least that’s the way I see it.

I’m TINGLING! TEARS ARE COMING TO MY EYES!

So, I’m at the skin doctor, having some suspicious growths removed, and when I’m done with Dr. Rish, I’ve got a message on my BlackBerry, a phone call from Irving Azoff. Where should he send the new EAGLES album?

Oh, you know how it is today. LEAKS! I had to promise that I wouldn’t duplicate it, wouldn’t give it to anybody. NO PROBLEM! I’M TRUSTWORTHY!

I was in Century City getting a new keyboard for my Mac. Thank god for Applecare. Wanna know where it’s happening? At the Apple Store. You’ve got to slalom through the people. And the new Lilliputian Nanos? They’re IMPOSSIBLY thin. You want to buy one, no matter HOW MANY iPods you already have.

And Irving said Irene would call, for an address. But as I was buying jeans at the Gap, I’d still heard nothing. I e-mailed Irving. Just leave the disc behind the screen door, messenger it over NOW!

The phone rang. They couldn’t do that. But by this time I was already home. They’d send it over.

And I’ve been waiting for the delivery man ever since. I was getting worried he wouldn’t come, that I’d get the package tomorrow.

But, just now, I saw a guy with tattoos through the front window. I opened the door, was he from IRVING?

Irving told me the packaging wasn’t perfect. That Henley wanted some of the early covers destroyed, the tiny percentage that didn’t have the color right. Looked fine to me, I wouldn’t have complained.

And after removing the shrinkwrap with the Wal-Mart sticker, I turn the cardboard package over and see the TWENTY TRACKS ON 2 CDs!

And then I open my computer drawer and insert disc one…

I remember dropping the needle on "Hotel California". Buying the album the day it came out, before anything but "New Kid In Town" was on the radio. I did a double take as the sound came out of the speakers. The same thing JUST HAPPENED! Oh, the sweet SOUND! How could it sound THIS GOOD? NOTHING sounds this good. Everything’s squashed today. But this was just like 1976, I felt the group was living RIGHT INSIDE THE SPEAKERS.

The harmonies, this one certain change in "No More Walks In The Wood"… If you had that spirit back in 1969, you’ll get it.

The second cut is the single, "How Long". And then came "Busy Being Fabulous".

You remember "Life In The Fast Lane", don’t you? Surely make you lose your mind. A feeling we were all familiar with, a scene we knew, the Eagles nailed it, the phrase soon became part of the vernacular.

How come the EAGLES, thirty five years old, can skewer stardom, aligning with our sensibilities here in the cheap seats, and everybody on the hit parade, the rappers to the popsters, think we’re buying their shit, think we believe they’re fabulous?

When Henley starts to sing, you hear that voice from "The Long Run". It’s like it’s 1979 all over again.

I came home to an empty house and I found your little note:
‘Don’t wait up for me tonight’, and that was all she wrote
Do you think I don’t know that you’re out on the town with all of your high-rollin’ friends?
But, what do you do when you come up empty? Where do you go when the party ends?

You were just too busy being fabulous
Too busy to think about us
I don’t know what you were dreaming of
Somehow you forgot about love
And you were just too busy being fabulous, uh-huh

Famous does not make your life work. Might get you laid, but won’t get you in a relationship. You’ve got to be three-dimensional, you’ve got to be a human being, you’ve got to be trustworthy. But none of the youngsters singing seem to know this. This is why we loved our acts, THEIR TRUTH! Maybe Don sowed his wild oats, but he grew up. JUST LIKE US!

I’ve got no idea what the other seventeen tracks sound like. I couldn’t get that far, I couldn’t wait to e-mail you.

It’s not about digesting music, thinking about it. It’s about the VISCERAL RESPONSE! Ten minutes in and I’m suddenly linked to who I was back when. I feel like I’m not alone on this earth. I feel like I’m ALIVE!

It’s not about airplay, it’s not about sales numbers, it’s not even about Wal-Mart. It’s about music. How does the MUSIC make you feel. The music hasn’t been emphasized in such a long time. And, it doesn’t matter if you get off on what I do. We don’t all have the same crush, we’re not all in love with the same person. But, if you were ever an Eagles fan, when you drop the metaphorical needle on "Long Road Out Of Eden", your mind will be positively blown.