Is this a joke?

Athletes retire, their bodies give out and they can no longer compete at a world class level. If you can’t dance, they kick you out of the ballet company, if you can’t sing, maybe you should stop performing?

What I hate here is no one will speak the truth. “Tempest” has gotten glowing reviews. And I’m not deep into it enough to judge the material, although I’m awaiting the “New York Times” article wherein it’s revealed he stole the lyrics, hell, if they can bust Jonah Lehrer, they can bust anybody. But one thing’s for sure, the vocals are horrible. So bad, they sound like your grandpa just woke up and is clearing his throat. A grandpa who sounds like Frankie Pentangeli in “Godfather II.”

I’m a huge Dylan fan.

But I gave up going twenty years ago. I’ve got no problem with him rearranging his material, it keeps him interested, young and fresh, but that doesn’t mean I care. It’s like a bizarre crossword puzzle. You’re sitting there listening, trying to divine what song it is by deciphering a lyric or two. It’s kind of like opening the dictionary and trying to figure out which book was made out of the words…”Ulysses,” “Portnoy’s Complaint,” “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

And at this late date, the story’s not buried. But people go to the show like lemmings, to pay homage to what once was. Kind of like going to a baseball show to get Reggie Jackson’s autograph. Or maybe going to a “Star Trek” convention to meet Spock.

If Dylan didn’t have all those years ago hits, he wouldn’t even be playing clubs. He’d be playing Holiday Inns. And no newspaper would review his material. People would laugh.

But ain’t that America, wherein everybody knows the truth but no one can say it.

As for writing a song about the Titanic… Imagine Kanye doing this. Or even Don Henley. They’d be excoriated.

Give me a break.

And while I’ve got your attention, who did Cat Power blow to get all that publicity?

One thing I love about these records by critical darlings is they come and go in an instant. Anybody talking about Fiona Apple anymore? No, that was two months ago! And the only people talking about Cat Power’s album are members of the press corps. There’s no buzz, no virality, just old men manipulated by a sexual being and a cadre of women getting behind a bizarre form of girl power.

Come on, Cat Power got her chance. She failed. Is she really that different from Lana Del Rey?

Has-beens and alta kacher never-beens just can’t believe that the era has changed, that the past no longer rules. They make albums in an era of singles. They hype them upon release not knowing it’s about longevity as opposed to a singular impression. Hell, that’s what Spotify is all about, you get paid when people continue to listen to your music, not when someone buys it. How many albums have you purchased and played once or barely more? The company got just as much money from you as they did when you bought an album and played it ad infinitum. Is this the paradigm we want to prop up?

I’ve got no problem with Dylan and Power making albums. But I do have a huge problem with mainstream media fueled by ancient record companies and aged publicity people going on and on about stuff that is marginal and most people don’t care a whit about.

Hell, there’s more innovation in Psy’s “Gangnam Style” than in both of the above projects. He created something intriguing, that you can’t take your eyes off of, that is subversive.

Once upon a time, Bob Dylan was subversive. Now he’s just an old man who doesn’t know what to do with himself but go on tour. Maybe he should stay home and hang with his grandchildren, write about that, it’d be more interesting than any music he makes.

As for Cat Power…

With the barrier to entry so low, with anybody able to make a record, the concept of a critic’s darling, one who wasn’t that good to begin with, is passe.

Just like the critics themselves.

5 questions with Don McLean

Thursday night I was having dinner at good friends’ in the Palisades when their daughter called from her car in Fullerton. She wanted her dad to bring her home. Kind of like an air traffic controller to a jumbo jet, she wanted instruction, security, she’d man the controls, but someone else would do the thinking.

This blew my mind.

I know, I know, I have no kids.

But I do know it’s o.k. to let your progeny walk to and from school. Statistics tell us this. The odds of your child being stolen from the schoolyard are essentially nil, unless you’re in a custody dispute with your ex.

Now if the educational institution is miles away, by all means, give your kid a ride. But if not, maybe you should stop holding his or her hand, maybe you should let your kid experience a bit of risk. Since your goal is to have them grow up and be self-sufficient, not only pay the bills and put a roof over their head, but get along when you’re gone.

But parents are not listening. They believe if they don’t hold their kids’ hands, do their homework, pave the way, their children will be left behind.

But nothing could be further from the truth.

There was a fascinating story in Saturday’s “Wall Street Journal,” adapted from the book “How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character,” by Paul Tough. It posits that cognitive skill is not the key to success, but personality traits…persistence, self-control, curiosity, conscientiousness, grit and self-confidence. In other words, character.

This rings so true.

I experience persistence every day. People who e-mail me their MP3s again and again, looking for a ride to the top that I cannot give them, even if I want to. But they lack the remaining personality traits. The e-mails are always the same, “This is who I am, this is what I’ve done, promote me!” And when I don’t, they double down… “I’ve e-mailed you before, here’s my YouTube clip, it’s getting a lot of traction.” And you click through and it’s got 27 views, or even 27,000… That’s far from a million. Yup, you haven’t gone viral until you’re in seven or eight digits.

These people are one-dimensional, they want success, but there’s no thinking involved.

Curiosity… That’s an interesting one. Can you analyze why the Kindle Fire will have a hard time competing with the iPad, or do you just look at price, believe what you read in the newspaper? Are you curious how Bryan Ferry made double digit millions making music so far from the mainstream? Do you find it interesting that Bruce Springsteen no longer sells out, but continues to overplay in arenas too large and refuses to address his foundering career?

Someone with knee-jerk intelligence, like an agent, will point to the gross. Someone who’s curious will come to a conclusion after blending in all the elements, from new music to frequency of shows to ticket price to…

And no one likes those who are inconsiderate. That’s what so many of the people wanting to make it in the entertainment industry are today, inconsiderate. And they don’t do well with rejection and frustration. They freak, like the daughter of my friends.

So if you think lining up trophies, diplomas from the best schools and your parents’ network of friends, is the key to success, you’re sorely mistaken.

It all comes down to you.

Those people you hate in the music industry. They’ve got those characteristics above, that’s how they got those jobs.

Lucian Grainge is all about grit. As is Doug Morris, hell, he got blown out of Warner Music and rebuilt his power base from scratch, first at Rising Tide, long before he took the reins at Universal.

Irving Azoff is impossibly charming.

As are so many of the rock stars topping the chart. Spend a few minutes with them and you’ll be mesmerized. Sure, their music is good, but they’ve got a way of drawing you to them, of getting you to do their work for them. These are the keys to success, much more than practicing.

In other words, rehearse for 10,000 hours and you probably won’t make it.

Have a three-dimensional life, know how to negotiate personal relationships, and you might.

That’s why so few of the music industry titans have college degrees. They couldn’t play the game. They thought it was stupid. Sure, you need a law degree to practice law and a medical degree to practice medicine, but in entertainment there are no obvious steps, you fly by the seat of your pants. You’ve got to have the gift of gab and grit.

The research was done with by studying the GED, the high school equivalency test. Yes, it turns out that the people passing the GED were as smart as those who went to high school, but they had a mere fraction of the success. Because you learn something in school. How to navigate the system, how to make friends, endure hardship, get along. That’s the negative to home schooling. You might get a great education from your mom, but that doesn’t mean you’ll become a success. Just like online courses will not replace the college experience. Because most of what you learn is outside the classroom.

We’ve got a country of empty vessels. Stuart Smalleys. Who believe if they’re relentlessly persistent, success is their due.

But that turns out to be untrue.

Success is about you more than what you’re selling.

Instead of spending all that time holed up with your instrument, become inspired by reading about subjects foreign to success, whether it be the Galapagos or economic policy or polling. That’s where you’ll get your inspiration, not from watching hours of “X Factor.”

There’s a reason they call it the boob tube.

Sure, there’s good stuff on TV, but you’re not gonna make it if you’re a boob.

“Opting Out of the ‘Rug Rat Race’: For success in the long run, brain power helps, but what our kids really need to learn is grit”

“Bruce Springsteen tickets discounted at LivingSocial”

“Demi Lovato gets owned by an X Factor candidate”

(via Scott Perry)

And while I’m cluttering your inbox…

Hi Bob,

I got a hearty laugh from Clearmountain’s quote. Both of my kids were conceived to Avalon. That album must be aural Viagra!

Chris Washkau