That was a mistake.

Because of sky high cholesterol, which is now being battled by Crestor, thank you very much, I see a nutritionist. We discovered that my cholesterol is mostly genetic, but we also discovered I’m insulin resistant. And I could explain the science to you, well, maybe I can’t, but the end result is if I eat carbs, not the good stuff, like lettuce and spinach, but the truly good stuff, like pasta and bread and processed sugars, I get high and then I crash and I end up waking hungover, like I am right now.

Oh, those were the days. When I drank all night and could barely get out of bed the next day. One of the great things about not drinking is not waking up feeling terrible the next day. Then again, maybe you’re the kind of person who can have one or two drinks. I never was. Don’t call me unless you’re ready to PARTY!

But around midnight last night, Jake got a hankering for something sweet. He wanted to go to Tim Hortons.

Donuts. Or should I say “doughnuts,” that’s what we used to call them before someone decided the people eating them could not comprehend the moniker. It’s kind of like Homer Simpson and beer. If you contemplate donuts and your stomach turns and you say ICK, you’re a supermodel who tries to convince us you never get hungry and this is just your god-given metabolism, even though you have an eating disorder and won’t admit it. Has anyone ever concocted something more pleasurable than fried dough? Mmm…

But being midnight, finding an emporium that was open was difficult. We were driving around town, until we found an enterprise out of an Edward Hopper painting that looked closed, but wasn’t.

Unfortunately, they were closing soon, so selection was slim.

What donut do you prefer?

For tasting purposes, I go with your standard glazed, the Krispy Kreme supreme. That’s what my dad used to buy us as kids. My mother never woke up until ten, but my father got up at the crack of dawn, and went out to do god knows what before he came home and woke us up for school. But oftentimes, on his journey, he’d purchase donuts, for our breakfast. Mmm… Glazed, from Dunkin’ Donuts, before the chain became famous for cheap coffee.

But left to my own devices, at this advanced age, my favorite donut is an apple fritter. Purchased from the Winchell’s at Pico and Sepulveda. I think it’s still a Winchell’s, there was a donut roll-up in L.A., the names changed, but the employees, and donuts, remained the same.

An apple fritter.

It does have apple bits.

But what I like most is it’s firm, almost burned, and laden with a frosting of glaze. It’s like injecting dope. It tastes good and I get instantly high.

But there were no apple fritters at Tim Hortons last night.

And no glazed.

And while I was contemplating my choice, Jake ordered a Canadian Maple.

Canadian Maple? I’d never go for that. I never go for gold on top of my donut. But I’m in Canada! What exactly is a Canadian Maple donut?

Maple on top, cream in the middle.

SOLD!

Along with a hole, which looked glazed but wasn’t, and I was informed by Jake is called a “Timbit.” How cute!

That Timbit was swallowed in one bite.

And then I went for the Canadian Maple.

Maple frosting… I’ve been missing out! And matched with the cream inside… A veritable mouth orgasm, a subtle one, but those are the ones that last longest, that you never forget, like a good spaghetti carbonara.

I could have eaten twelve. If I was still in college, I would have bought a bagful. I held back from getting more, but I wanted to!

And as we sat there sipping our hot chocolate, I saw myself in a long continuum of Canadian donut scarfers. In from the biting cold, enjoying a respite.

As for the hot chocolate…

Everything’s different in Canada. Well, that’s an overstatement, some very basic things are different, and they’re better.

When you go to the parking garage, you insert your credit card on the way in, there is no ticket, the system remembers you! Seems kind of obvious, doesn’t it? Saves paper, you never lose your ticket… But never forget, the USA is the greatest country in the world!

And then there are the pop-tops on Tim’s hot drinks. They fold back and snap into place, you don’t cut your lip as you drink.

And when you’re done, you roll up the rim.

Now that’s something I’ve done for eons, when bored, when conversation continues, but sustenance has run out.

But at Tim Hortons, you roll up the rim to see if you’ve won a prize.

But I will tell you this is quite an enterprise. I spilled the remnants of my hot chocolate upon attempting this feat, which I finally accomplished, however, I did not win a prize.

If you’re flummoxed, go here, it’ll tell you how to play:

Tim Hortons RRRoll Up the Rim to Win®!

P.S. After Jake was honored by the MMF, we celebrated at the Soho House. Where I ran into more people than I thought I knew in Toronto. Well, not really, but one person I ran into was Jian Ghomeshi. I first met Jian outside the Troubadour, where his band, Moxy Fruvous, was opening for…I don’t remember. And I’m thinking to myself there’s already one Canadian comedy, art rock band, Barenaked Ladies, is there room for another? Turns out there wasn’t, at least not south of the border. So Jian created a radio interview show, and now it’s not only the most powerful way to sell musical artists in Canada, it’s syndicated in the U.S. Furthermore, Jian’s gonna do a live show in New York City, 800 tickets were sold at $35 a pop. So there is life after rock and roll. If you hit a wall, don’t be afraid to do a 180. If you’re truly that creative and inspired, there are other opportunities.

Jian Ghomeshi – Wikipedia

He didn’t say a thing.

Well, that’s not completely true, but he held his cards very close to his vest, and really didn’t show any.

What did we learn?

That he learned from the Sullivans you can charge venues to play there, as opposed to the reverse.

First and foremost, Michael Cohl looks like a homeless person. Well, not exactly, but if he were flying commercial, people would look at him askance. With a weak chin covered by a full beard, and casual clothing, Michael Cohl is everything the rock stars once were, driven by the beat of their own drummer, beholden to nobody. Yup, the rock stars are all now endorsed by clothing companies. But richer than almost any of them, Michael Cohl gets to wear what he wants, knowing it’s what’s inside that counts.

So how did Cohl become who he is?

Bottom line, I bet most people reading this are clueless as to who Michael Cohl is.

Michael Cohl invented the modern touring system. A worldwide venture where you pay the act a lump sum, and you figure out how to make a profit.

Does this involve scalping tickets and other shenanigans?

Larry LeBlanc didn’t ask that question. But how did Michael Cohl put the Jacksons’ Victory tour in the black, when it was running solidly in the red?

He didn’t say.

All he said was he netted $300,000 at a gig and the Sullivans agreed to put him in charge.

Mmm…

But there were a few adventures before that, like when he called up Donald Tarlton, his competitor, and opened the conversation with “Hi, partner.”

Yup, the Bee Gees’ agent was playing them against each other. So Cohl decided to join forces with Donald to not only drive prices down, but gain territory. Hell, they ended up operating across the nation, putting Norman Perry in Vancouver under the banner of Perryscope, and it was years until people uncovered the ruse.

That’s a concert promoter. Someone who flies by the seat of their pants.

After Bill Graham abused his people, and Cohl vowed to never work with them again, he called Steve O’Rourke for Prince Rupert Loewenstein’s number, he had an offer for the Stones. $40 million for forty gigs.

He closed that deal. And that’s when everybody paying attention realized there was a new boss in town.

When you read in the press that U2 or the Police or whatever major star is inking a triple digit worldwide tour deal? Michael Cohl invented that paradigm. Along with selling his company five times. Being a kingpin at Live Nation. And then being blown out and saving “Spider-Man.”

Huh?

Yup, Bono called him. It was Cohl who decided to fire Julie Taymor, it just took a few weeks for him to convince Bono and Edge. Because if they hadn’t come up with an end to the play by now, they were never going to.

A strategist. A power broker. A money man.

But ultimately a cipher.

Used to be guys like Cohl ran record companies. Before they were all bought by conglomerates and the employees had no skin in the game. Lose a few of your own bucks, and you never forget the lesson. Cohl overpaid for Buck Owens, he learned the hard way.

Cohl’s explanation?

The charts were manipulated. Everybody lies. There were not as many Owens fans as appeared on paper.

Whew!

You think you know what’s going on, but until you get your hands dirty and know the players, you’re clueless. Business is not a game played in a vacuum.

Cohl made it on his wits.

Is it any wonder promoters are now more powerful than labels? All the promoters started out as entrepreneurs, unable to sleep at night, worried about losing their shirts. They know where every dollar is buried. Find an A&R guy who knows the same thing…

Still, I didn’t learn much about Cohl.

But he did tell a story that explains everything.

It was 1987 and Pink Floyd was reuniting, without Roger Waters, and fear was rampant, promoters weren’t sure they could sell any tickets. Cohl convinced the aforementioned O’Rourke, the band’s manager, to let him put up one date for sale. If tickets moved, the tour was on. If they didn’t, David Gilmour would suddenly get sick.

And encapsulated there is everything you need to know about the music business. Don’t believe what you read. Bluster and fear go hand in hand.

As for the show?

Sold out instantly, two more dates, which were on hold, went just as fast. The tour was a monster.

But without Michael Cohl, the whole thing was a no-go.

Someone’s got to take a risk, someone’s got to lay down the cash.

And that’s the promoter.

Just don’t ask him how he did it.

Never send the B team.

There’s a reason why Pandora is so successful. Tim Westergren. The company’s tireless leader is not only willing to show up everywhere, he’s impassioned, he’s a believer, hell, I’ve always said Westergren’s selling a religion, not a radio service.

And that’s how I felt about Benji Rogers of PledgeMusic yesterday.

Crowdfunding. Is it forever? If you haven’t gotten e-mail from disgruntled pledgers, pissed that the project they donated to didn’t come through, you’re not…ME! That’s the number one challenge facing the sphere. People who pony up cash and end up with nothing.

PledgeMusic gives them their money back.

Furthermore, after a project is funded, Pledge holds the hands of the creators and updates the donors, keeping the relationship alive.

Do Kickstarter and Indiegogo do this? From what I can understand, no. They certainly don’t give money back, as for a continuing relationship with the creators…

I need someone to look me in the eye and tell me the truth. I need to know I’m getting it straight from the horse’s mouth. Otherwise I’m left with questions, and I hate uncertainty.

Now that’s not the only problem confronting crowdfunding sites, there’s also the issue of veracity. People manipulating the platforms to their own ends. In other words, did “Veronica Mars” really need the money, or was the whole campaign a marketing manipulation?

I got e-mail to that effect.

But I also got e-mail from a tech entrepreneur that many would know telling me his next project was already funded, but he was going to put it up on Kickstarter for the marketing boost.

Hmm… Will this alienate donors?

And then there was that guy from Protest The Hero on the panel. He raised a lot of money, the most successful item being a pizza party at the donor’s house, but did he gain any new fans? He got a ton of publicity, but did it grow his audience?

Maybe an itty-bitty bit.

Then again, all these companies are now promoting themselves as kind of a social network. A way to round up your fans and bond yourself to them. But it always worries me when a company changes focus. As we say in the music business, it’s not about the money…IT’S ABOUT THE MONEY!

That’s why crowdfunding is successful!

And too many in attendance, even on the panel, were ignorant to the fact that a benefit of crowdfunding is you end up with ownership, i.e. copyright. And if you don’t think that’s key in the music business, please read Don Passman’s book.

As for musicians… That’s all PledgeMusic does.

But Pledge charges more. 15%. That includes credit card fees. Whereas Kickstarter and Indiegogo are about one third of that, before credit card fees.

Then again, I’m always someone who wants to pay extra for the best. Which brings us to the science of pricing, some people raise the price just for this effect.

But doing only music, Pledge can hold your hand, all the sites counsel you as to what will sell, but Pledge can tell you what a signed CD should go for and how much vinyl costs to ship and I want my questions answered, I want someone who’s done it, I want no surprises. And Benji Rogers of Pledge Music told me they’re funding two to three records a day. That they’ve even got a recommendation engine.

Yup, Benji’s a salesman.

But he sold me.

The grapevine says that on Pledge you don’t have to reach your goal to get the money. Benji says this is untrue, they’ve got a super secret insider formula that they don’t reveal to the public. I think that’s good for the public, but for insiders…where’s the truth here?

Then again, founders are mostly enthusiastic. If you use Slacker, you’ll give up Pandora. Spotify is something completely different (although it does have a radio service now.) Misinformation rules. The way you triumph is by getting ahead of your customers with your version of the truth.

And the best person to sell the story is the man or woman himself.

I wish Yancey Strickler was on yesterday’s panel. I don’t know who actually runs Indiegogo.

But yesterday, Benji Rogers won the competition, first and foremost by being there.

Steve Lillywhite said Brian May is overlooked as a guitar great, that Clapton and Beck had impeccable technique, but May had an incredible sound!

I may be too old for this. Despite all the hype that fifty is the new forty and sixty is the new fifty, if not forty five, despite all the press about Botox and facelifts, the dirty little secret is we were not made to last forever. And as you age, physical problems arise. If you’re a baby boomer and you don’t have aches and pains, you’re lying.

Once upon a time we were young. We felt we would live forever.

But this is untrue.

Just like our parents lionized the big bands, and Frank Sinatra, we were enamored of the Beatles and the Stones and even U2 and all of those acts are so long in the tooth that the younger generation really doesn’t care. Lillywhite was incredibly dynamic on stage, telling inside stories of producing some of the best bands in history, and the audience sat there…like zombies.

It’s 2013. “I Will Follow” is more than thirty years old. Edge may wear hats, but we know he’s bald. And the odds of U2 having another hit are nonexistent. Because Top Forty radio doesn’t play the kind of music they make. And if they contemporize their sound, add beats, it will just be creepy.

Rock and roll drove our world. It was the most important thing in our lives.

It’s not the most important thing in a young person’s life. It can matter, but it’s turned into entertainment, a way of making money, it doesn’t change the world, it’s a follower medium. Lillywhite referenced being blown away by Beatle songs, because each and every one of them sounded different. Today we live in a land of imitation. Admit it, when was the last time a record blew your mind?

Probably in the heyday of the rap era. Yes, those in attendance would be more interested in hearing from Dr. Dre, one of the rap producers, than Lillywhite. Because rock is dead.

It didn’t used to be.

Tonight I went to an awards show. And TPOH played.

TPOH, you remember, The Pursuit Of Happiness!

And “I’m An Adult Now” was not their first song this evening. But only moments after Moe Berg stepped to the mic, it was clear, this is a star.

A star is not born, he’s not prepackaged and made, a star is developed. Over years. You learn to present your material and win over the audience. And to do it right, to ring the bell, you need to have a hit record, and “I’m An Adult Now” was.

I can’t even look at young girls anymore
People will think I’m some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people can get away with murder

“Pervert.” Bring that to your record company today and they’ll say to remove it, because radio won’t play it. There’s a disconnect between the filter and the audience. You can’t talk about drugs and friends with benefits in country music, even though those are core elements of the audience that’s listening. Phoniness and self-righteousness rule. Used to be music cut through that, not anymore. People just want to know where and how to sell out.

Speaking of hearing, I can’t take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don’t like the racket
Noise, but I can’t hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy is screaming in a leather jacket

That’s how I feel. Its not the amplification that bothers me, but the fact that everything’s an affectation. You’re wearing a leather jacket… Didn’t Elvis do that fifty years ago? You think you’re rebelling, but you’re conforming. Remember David Byrne, not the irrelevant pontificator of today, but the rock star of yore? Did you see anybody else in a big suit before Byrne? Did you hear anybody yelp just like him? When you listened to Al Green’s “Take Me To The River,” could you imagine the Talking Heads’ take?

OF COURSE NOT!

Our business has become one of self-congratulation while in the background everybody’s fighting for scraps. It mirrors America at large. Where the winners take all and the losers have no idea what hit them. And just like bankers, the music business creates nothing. Come on, where’s the great catalog of the last twenty years.

It’s been a long day. I wasn’t in such a melancholy mood earlier. I hosted a crowdfunding panel where Benji Rogers from PledgeMusic was so passionate, I truly got excited.

Passion. That’s what it’s about.

Calculation?

That’s cold. And hard to relate to. Math is imperfect. But art is messy.

So if you’re looking for the answer, I can’t provide one.

All I know is I’m looking to be blown away. Like with Brian May.

Have you ever heard “Keep Yourself Alive”? From the initial Queen LP?

Yup, it was a vinyl album. There were no cassettes. It probably didn’t even come out on 8-track, there was little demand. But when you dropped the needle on “Keep Yourself Alive,” you encountered a band that was gonna grab you by the throat, lift you off the floor, and not let you go until you admitted they were the best thing you ever heard.

And maybe at that point they weren’t.

But on the fourth album, they were. Sure, “A Night At The Opera” had “Bohemian Rhapsody,” but it also had the almost California sounding “You’re My Best Friend,” and the positively screeching “I’m In Love With My Car.”

And what did Queen do next?

Hell, after writing the sports anthems of the century, “We Will Rock You” and “We Are The Champions,” they came up with the acoustic, almost rockabilly “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and the thumping, bass-heavy “Another One Bites The Dust.”

You bought your Queen albums not to get more of what came before, but to be wowed by something you’d never heard before.

That’s what we’re looking for.

And if anybody tells you otherwise, they’re lying.