“The clerk is a jerk.”
That’s what Jeff Garlin told Marc Maron.
Actually, that’s what Jeff Garlin’s mother told Jeff. That you want to talk to the MANAGER!
Maybe it’s a Jewish shtick, but my father was full of these aphorisms. Like you need to see the BIG DOCTOR! Especially in L.A., where they’re available. You want an opinion from the expert, someone with experience who sees what you’ve got every day. As my father put it, “Schnooks get shat on.” If you’re just being nice to everybody and fielding what’s coming along you’re gonna lose out.
Or are you?
My prescription changed.
I no longer see the ophthalmologist, I now see the optometrist. I know, this is a crime. But it turns out ophthalmologists only care about surgery, big problems, and if you just want new contacts…
I saw an ophthalmologist in the Palisades who prescribed lenses that made my eyes burn. And I’ve been wearing contacts since I was sixteen. And I have a high threshold of pain. And then a friend told me about Dr. Richard Silver…
He doesn’t need my endorsement. He doesn’t need more patients. As it is, you can wait months to see him, in either Santa Monica or the Valley, but this guy is a contact lens EXPERT! And he’s got you sitting in front of so many machines, testing your vision, that no ophthalmologist ever did with me, that I’m a believer. See him.
And I did see him, last week. And for the first time in a decade, my reading glasses prescription changed.
That’s right, by wearing rigid gas permeable lenses, the ones almost no one does, I not only get the best vision, they act as a retainer, and your eyes don’t change. But in this case they did, a little, tiny bit. My prescription went from +1.25 to +1.50.
I know, you’re laughing. You’re in the 3’s or 4’s.
But by being nearsighted and wearing the rigid gas permeable lenses I’ve got baby reading glasses, but I need them.
And I buy this Microvision product:
Listen up people, especially you guys. You don’t want to go to the restaurant and be unable to see the menu. But you don’t want to bring your glasses, with no place to put them so you lose them. But if you buy the folding glasses, which fit in a tiny little case, you’ll always be able to bring them with you.
These are the ones I buy:
And if you go to that page, you’ll see you can order them with +1.50 lenses, so problem solved, right?
Wrong. You need the prescription lenses. That’s what I’ve always been told.
So I go to the eyeglass counter…
Let’s start at the beginning. I go at 12:15. Can you go anywhere at 12:15? Isn’t that when everybody takes lunch?
Those are the thoughts that go through my head, I have OCD.
And when I get there the only person working is a woman I’ve never seen before.
Mmm… I want a pro. The regular guy. Who I’ve been using for a decade. Should I come back?
NO! That’s not only too OCD, it’s discriminatory. Am I really not going to use the woman? That’s OFFENSIVE!
So I sit down, and she can’t find the number. She’s looking all over the frames, I figure she’s scanning for the brand name, which I know, Microvision, but she says she needs a number.
And when she doesn’t find one she whips out a ruler.
And my anxiety starts to rise. Is she being exact? I’m gonna wear these each and every day!
And then she wants to know if I need anti-reflective coating and polycarbonate lenses.
I don’t know. But I need the best. So I ask her.
And she tells me to do NOTHING!
That’s right. The glasses came with +1.50 lenses, I should wear them for a week, see if I like them. After all, she’s just gonna put in the same lenses herself!
Yup, Microvision used plastic, she’s gonna use plastic.
Well, maybe the width between my eyeballs.
So she measures me. And says she’s gonna measure the lenses already in the glasses.
And I’m thinking I’ve got such bad OCD and I need everything perfect and this woman is gonna save me money and the stock lenses are o.k. and then she comes back and asks…DO YOU READ A LOT?
Do I read a lot, that’s all I DO!
Well, if that’s so, then Robert says you want the prescription lenses.
LET ME SPEAK TO ROBERT!
And I hear my father’s voice echoing in my brain. Why did I waste time with this jerk. I need the EXPERT!
And Robert comes in and measures the difference between my eyeballs and it’s DIFFERENT from the measurement the girl got.
Furthermore, he tests the already installed lenses and discovers the center point on each is different, by a wide margin.
So I was right to begin with. Not only did I need prescription lenses, I needed the big guy, the manager.
Life’s such a hassle. Do I have to struggle over everything?
I guess I do!