“Poop In My Fingernails” is a hit!

Like I told you, I read the newspapers from cover to cover.

I start with the L.A. “Times,” because there’s so little in it. I check Calendar for the entertainment news, but so much of it is hype/fluff. Then the scores in Sports. The California section, to see if anything’s going on in the state, and then Business, which is oftentimes just a page or two. If you got the L.A. “Times,” you’d get the idea nothing is happening.

But I stop short of the front page. I don’t read that until I’m done with the “New York Times,” because it goes into so much more depth. I oftentimes read the same story twice, i.e. different takes in different papers, just to glean more info, and sometimes the spin is completely different! The NYT said car sales were burgeoning! The WSJ said they were in trouble! I follow this pretty closely, I know the WSJ is right. (Actually, I should be saying “SUV sales.” But, when the next energy crisis comes, will everybody start running to Honda and Mazda, which are getting creamed because they’re still focused on sedans?) So, I read the “New York Times” for the real news. Although I usually read from back to front. Or, what used to be back to front, now Business is second, I go for that first. (Yes, I still read the physical papers, you find stuff you won’t see online, although I am addicted to the apps, and it’s funny how they change the headlines.) I used to read Arts first, but that’s nearly a joke, not as bad as the LAT, but still… And to tell you the truth, one of the best sections of the week comes on Tuesday, Science is a killer, and I thought I didn’t even like science!

And when I’ve finished the hard news in the NYT, I switch to the “Wall Street Journal,” whose best paper is on Saturday. I start with Off Duty, which contains Dan Neil’s car reviews, he’s the best. And then I go to the front section and then to the second section, which they’ve now renamed “Exchange.” I think that’s where I read about the Toilet Bowl Cleaners. I had to call out to Alexa to hear their music immediately, I could not make it to the final section, Review, yet.

So this guy Jonathan Eig writes about driving with his family. Here’s the link, but it’s behind a paywall:

The Family Delights of Silly Poop Songs

Eig says he never relinquishes the dial, just like his dad.

It was different when my father was driving. If it was a family trip, he’d start out with beautiful music, or “Monitor,” but eventually we’d lobby for our tunes. He’d switch, and that would last anywhere from 30-45 minutes before he freaked out, uttered an obscenity, and then went back to his stations.

But Eig is feeling guilty so he asks his kids what they want to listen to…

POOP IN MY FINGERNAILS!

BUTT CHEEKS BUTT CHEEKS BUTT CHEEKS!

FECAL MATTER ON MY TOOTHBRUSH!

The kids said when you ask Alexa to play songs about poop, that’s what you get. I immediately tried it, I didn’t get the Toilet Bowl Cleaners, but then I asked for them directly and started cracking up!

Kids have a fascination with poop. And you probably do too, even though you won’t admit it. Come on, do you check out the size of your turds?

Well, it turns out that the Toilet Bowl Cleaners, aka Matt Farley, have a way with both words and changes. The vocal might not be radio-ready, but you get hooked!

So I started to research, I’d never heard of the guy.

So, Wikipedia tells us Matt made $23,000 from his songs back in 2013. I’m sure it’s only gone up from then, assuming these numbers are accurate, who knows? After all, “Poop In My Fingernails” only has 1,765,148 streams on Spotify as I write this. And there are only 523,287 views on YouTube. But it turns out the Toilet Bowl Cleaners isn’t Matt’s only act. He’s got one for food. Oftentimes each song features a different moniker! Oh, and Matt will write a custom song for a mere $65. Although a deluxe number, fully produced, costs $170.

So what we have here is a business. Matt is probably making more than the wannabe pop and hip-hop acts. Most people don’t know his name, but then again many people no longer know the names of those who go number one!

Now Eig had Farley write him a custom song. About armpit farts. I clicked through to hear it on YouTube. I was shocked to find out “Armpit Farts, A Love Song,” only had 2,333 views. That’s right, you think you get press and you’re home free! But most people don’t click through, if they read the news at all.

But the thing is…Matt Farley has talent, as well as a swell sense of humor. He’s got a better idea of what’s a hit than those trying to create one! He understands you’ve got to hook the listener immediately, that you want to be able to sing along, oftentimes before the track is even over, and he knows that changes are the key to creating a smash.

I don’t expect the Toilet Bowl Cleaners/Matt Farley to become household names. However, they play live, they have a festival, in the minds of their fans, they’re somebodies! (And never forget the success of “Baby Shark”!)

By starting from the bottom up, by not trying to reach everybody, by employing the new tools to create and distribute, Matt Farley has created a business. This is the cottage industry the internet affords.

And I’d rather listen to Matt Farley than much of what’s in the Spotify Top 50…IT’S POOP!

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That’s right, the hoi polloi, the supposed flyover people, the peanut gallery…WE RULE!

And we have contempt for you if you step out of your lane. We may even have contempt for you if you stay in your lane!

That’s what the billionaire backlash is all about.

Stoking the starmaker machinery
Behind the popular song

No one is a free man in Paris anymore. Everybody’s findable. Just like you! Jeffrey Katzenberg used to say if you don’t bother to come in on Saturday, don’t even think about coming in on Sunday, at least that’s the legend. Today, if you don’t answer your e-mail on the weekend, if you don’t get back to people right away, you’re gonna lose your job. That’s what separates today’s winners from the losers. Those willing to work 24/7 and those who are not.

Oh, don’t give me all this wellness crap. That’s just liberal b.s. to deal with future shock. This is the world we live in and we like it! We like the adrenaline hit of our phones buzzing, that means someone cares about us, someone needs us, WE’RE IMPORTANT!

So right now they’re televising the Golden Globes. I remember when movie stars were heroes, larger than life. Now they’re just actors, propped up by a hype-industrial complex that believes nothing has changed…you know, you hire a publicist to get you into the paper and you’ve got gravitas. Only today you don’t. Because stars aren’t made in the papers. As for the print ones, ask the reporters, they’re all on Twitter, not wanting to miss a beat.

So there used to be idolmakers. They even made a movie about it. You find someone, even if they’re two-dimensional, without talent, and you turn them into a star, you’ve got all the relationships, you push the button and it happens, at least often enough. But now terrestrial radio is calcified, stars are made on streaming services, the traditional outlets come last. And hell, even Ricky Gervais made a joke about the power of Netflix…yup, I caught that in the news online…do you really think I’m going to sit through all those commercials?

Of course there are young nitwits looking up to pop stars. But that’s also why the pop stars have gotten so young. Billie Eilish is their contemporary, not Zach de la Rocha. The young ‘uns aren’t into the oldsters and the oldsters…they don’t know what the hell is up.

So if you raise your head above the fray, if you think you’re important…

You’re gonna be knocked down.

If you haven’t experienced this, you’re just not popular enough. That’s right, save the planet, create world peace, there are still gonna be haters online giving you grief. They’ve got power, they’ve got a microphone, they want you to know if they just got off their asses, they could do it too. And some of them do! Which is why we’re inundated with entertainment product online. Remember when the usual suspects bitched that piracy would ruin creativity, that no one would bother to create if they couldn’t get paid? Turns out creativity abhors a vacuum. While the oldsters were bitching about recorded music payments the rappers were giving it away for free online and they’re now the ones getting paid on streaming services, proving once again if you don’t go with the flow, it buries you.

Pete Buttigieg? Getting money from the fat cats? Money can’t buy you love. We all believe we’re entitled to access, that we’re in this together, and if you leave us outside…either we don’t care about you or you’re gonna pay the price. There was an article in the L.A. “Times” about crashing the Golden Globes. Why? Who cares?

It’s kinda like the movie industry doesn’t understand we live in an on demand economy, and unless we can have it when we want it, we probably don’t need it. I saw “Marriage Story” because it was on Netflix. The rest of the Oscar contenders? Do you expect me to waste that much time, to drive to the theatre, park, endure the trailers and the talk just to see a flick that’s probably not that great anyway?

Yup, that’s the movie industry, they want to get rid of Rotten Tomatoes! They think it’s unfair! Believe me, the public loves it, I live by it, I check the ratings before I watch anything, I don’t want to waste my time, I don’t want to be duped.

We all know everything. Yup, we’re privy to the same information as the fat cats. And if the fat cats want to pull one over on us, we rebel. Which is why the stars with the most dedicated fan bases are those on the so-called periphery, jam bands, Americana, they’re accessible to their audience, they don’t talk down to them.

So what happens now?

Ratings for awards shows continue to tank. Hell, it’s easier just to go online and look up who won rather than endure hours of b.s.

But the truth is all network TV, all real-time TV, is in a bind. That’s just not how we live our lives anymore.

And it affects all media.

Despite raising e-book prices to the point they’re oftentimes more expensive than hard copies, the truth is e-books are burgeoning at libraries! Just think, you don’t have to even leave your home! You look up what’s available online and you get it immediately, or queue up for when it becomes available. And the publishers are pissed! They’re changing the terms libraries acquire these books at. Then again, they could have gone along with Amazon to begin with, and priced e-books so low people wouldn’t bother with the library. If you try and protect your old turf…you lose.

Make America Great Again?

Only by embracing the future. Globalization. People of color.

We’re not going backwards baby. You’re addicted to your cheap flat screen. Hell, manufacturing is going down in the U.S., despite Trump saying he’s going to bring it back.

It’s like we’re in a giant high school!

And the real stars of the young are not the people they’re fed by the machine, but those who make it all on their lonesome, online. Yup, the YouTube stars, the influencers…they’re seen as more real, they’re accessible.

Sure, the stars of yore still have pull, that’s the essence of classic rock.

But they don’t make ’em like that anymore. The classic rock stars benefited from the scarcity of product. You were addicted to the radio and you could only buy a few albums. Today? It’s a smorgasbord of product, everyone’s sampling and if they don’t like something they don’t play it until they do, they move on!

This is what populism is about. A reaction to the libs who think they know better.

This is what Bernie and Elizabeth are about. They appeal to the young and those left out. And the establishment hates it! The establishment likes to maintain control!

Give the Republicans credit, they rallied around Trump after he won, it’s the only way they could maintain power. Yup, it’s positively tribal out there, but it’s not only Democrat and Republican, it’s metal and the rest of the genres. Sure, people graze…but chances are you haven’t listened to a metal record in years. It’s not the metal of yesterday, you need a secret decoder ring to understand it, and that’s just the way that tribe likes it.

So you can build it…

But they may not come.

You may triumph…

And then immediately lose.

Today, if you’re not in it for the long haul, don’t even bother, just get a straight job and stay out of entertainment. The road is harder than ever. Despite everybody being able to play at little or no cost, it’s nearly impossible to gain adherents, i.e. fans. But if you pay your dues and treat your audience right you can gain a living.

Look at the Coachella lineup. The reason most of these acts are not stars is because there’s not room for them in today’s landscape, and there are so many other options. There can only be a few people we all know. Then again, other than Billie Eilish, who in truth has been in development for years, who else has broken through in the past year? Drake, the rest of today’s stars…they made it years ago. And every year is different, change is rampant. And chances are if you’re not down in the niche, you’ve got no idea what’s happening in it.

That’s another feature of the modern era, you can’t get a hold on everything…you can barely get a hold on anything! It’s all about your own little life, baby. You’re the star of your own movie. Literally! Posting on Instagram and YouTube!

Every year the landscape flattens more. And if you want to jump genres, from one success to another? Good luck! People resent you using your money and relationships to try and do this. That’s what people have against Bloomberg, irrelevant of his beliefs, they feel manipulated!

And the only way to be a true star today is to maintain your credibility…don’t blow with the wind, don’t play for dictators, don’t change your beliefs willy-nilly. People still need people to believe in, but today you’ve got to have a CV, and you must not leave your channel and tell us you know better, BECAUSE YOU DON’T!

No one knows who anybody is anymore!

My e-mail has been buzzing with the Coachella lineup. Who are these acts? Can they really draw fans, is their audience that big?

Now Rage Against the Machine… They’re headliners, their reunion is news, but are forty and fiftysomethings going to Coachella? I don’t think so, unless they’re insiders with passes.

Travis Scott is a big deal, as is Frank Ocean. But read the second line of the lineup (www.coachella.com) Do you know who each of these acts is? Have you even heard their names? Read below that and it’s gobbledygook, some names stick out, but most are unknown!

This is not a negative reflection on Coachella itself, it shows the power of the festival, that it doesn’t really matter who is on stage, it’s an event built for today, when the audience is just as important as those on stage, if not more. And one thing’s for sure, Boomers and Gen-X’ers don’t want to stand in a field to see their favorites. But really, you’ve got to ask, WHO ARE THESE ACTS?

In case you think you’re out of it, I draw your attention to this article:

“We Asked You to Name These Athletes, Politicians and Celebrities. Here’s How You Did.”

Actually, before you delve into the article, take the quiz yourself:

Quiz: Can You Identify These Politicians, Athletes and Celebrities? Most Americans Can’t.

There are 52 faces, hang in there. I got 40 right, which put me at 79% of “New York Times” readers. In other words, 21% did better than me. And two I knew and the names just would not come to me, Steve Bullock and Stacey Abrams, but there were some who baffled me, I had no idea.

Then read the analysis. (Actually, you can skip the quiz and scroll right down to the analysis.)

You know who was recognized most in the U.S?

Oprah Winfrey.

Then came Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

The fifth most recognized person in the quiz? Bernie Sanders! 67% of Americans recognized him.

Only 56% of Americans recognized Joe Biden. And this is fascinating, because 92% of “Times” readers did (Bernie was at 91%), so you can see where the bias originates. “Times” readers and writers are in a bubble. They think Biden is known best!

But it gets even more fascinating when you scroll down to the generations…

Gen Z, age 13-22? About 50% knew Bernie Sanders. Only about 21% recognized Joe Biden.

When it came to Millennials, 23-38? About 65% could pick out Sanders, about 45% could pick out Biden.

Gen-X, 39-54? About 70% recognized Sanders, about 10% less recognized Biden.

Boomers, 55-73? Bernie was recognized by 75%, Biden was just a bit higher.

Then you’ve got to look at the total picture, of all 52 faces. Only 32% of Gen Z recognized Tom Brady. And they say football is our national pastime and will dominate forever! Obviously a lot of kids aren’t interested.

48% of Gen Z recognized Bernie Sanders, only 12% recognized Elizabeth Warren.

Now I’ll let you go deeper, and you should, even if you abhor the “Times.” Because the research demonstrates that even if you’re a household name…you may not be. Only 66% of Gen Z could recognize Kim Kardashian? Yes, 81% of Millennials could, but it shows that Kim K. is just a product of her generation, and will be forgotten like everybody before her.

So, despite being Vice President for eight years, Biden is not as well known as Sanders.

You’d think this would be impossible, with all the press, the debates…but the truth is a lot of people are not watching, are not paying attention to the news. That’s how hard it is to reach people today. That’s why Trump got such a big bump being on TV every week.

What did the Firesign Theatre say…”Everything you know is wrong?”

What you think is popular probably isn’t. You think everybody knows, but they don’t.

And you wonder why there’s chaos in the world.

I’ll pull up a Spotify playlist and wonder…am I the only person who has ever heard this track? There’s no context, no groove to fall into. At least with TV there are fewer shows. But society is just overwhelming!

So, all that press, that buzz you see and read about new and established acts?

It isn’t having that much of an effect. It’s mostly an echo chamber. Especially because you have to click over to Spotify or YouTube to check out their music, and that’s just too much effort. You’re overwhelmed, you’ve got no time, you’re waiting to hear from your friends, your trusted sources, whether it’s worth the investment.

And the “Billboard” sales numbers are anemic.

And the Spotify streams… They may be in the millions, but is that just the same teens playing the same songs on 24/7 repeat?

It’s not only Facebook and social media that have lost control, where the platform has moved beyond the grasp of its handlers. What do all those streams on Spotify and YouTube mean? How many unique individuals are listening, how much? And since the money is in the data, very little of it falls down to the hoi polloi, and Facebook, YouTube and Spotify’s are all about the money, the underlying culture is secondary, if not irrelevant.

We’re living on a Tower of Babel planet and all the old sources are telling us we’re not, that life is cohesive, understandable, if we just place faith in them and their impaired outlook.

We are not at the beginning and we are not at the end.

For twenty years we were wowed by technical innovation.

Now, for the next twenty years, we’re gonna try to make sense of it.