You’ve got a turntable, RIGHT?

Well, transfer this podcast to vinyl. Place it on your turntable and play it at 16 RPM! Because I’m talking so fucking fast, that if you play it at 33, you might MISS SOMETHING!

Go to: Podcast (MP3s) of 2007 Keynote Speeches Scroll down to the Saturday Keynote, where you’ll see my name. Click and listen.

If you want to download on a Mac, so you can import the podcast into iTunes for play on your iPod, click on the link as you hold down the Control key on your keyboard. Select "Download Linked File" from the pop-up menu.

There’s a lot of information here. And, if I gave you the decoder ring that provided all the words I skipped over, you’d probably be able to understand it all. But you can get the essence if you TURN IT UP!

Thank god the Eagles’ fans are not tech/web-savvy.

First lesson, OWN YOUR URL!

There’s a story here, as to why the URL is www.eaglesband.com/, not eagles.com, or theeagles.com (sure, the band hates the "the", but most people don’t know this). Yes, a search will turn up the right site, but will it turn up the right MySpace page?

No.

My Google search on "MySpace Eagles" didn’t turn up the band’s MySpace link on the first PAGE of results. I could go further, but who goes further?

But I know the band’s got a MySpace page, I was there once before. So I search on "MySpace Eagles band music". And the site comes up. It’s www.myspace.com/eaglesmusic. Now, that’s so far from intuitive, maybe that’s why the band’s new song "How Long" only has 33,333 plays, even though it’s been available for almost a week.

So, does this mean the URL sucks? Or that the target audience doesn’t know to go to MySpace to hear the song? Or that no one cares about a new Eagles record.

I think the target demo does care about the music, they’re just not hip to the fact that you can hear all bands’ new music on MySpace. But, I also believe plays are reduced because of the bad URL.

If you go to http://eagles.com/, you get a Network Solutions page. Was the name really unavailable? The Eagles couldn’t afford to buy it? Irving Azoff couldn’t INTIMIDATE someone into coughing it up? As for http://myspace.com/eagles, it’s owned by someone named "Jack". You couldn’t make him an offer?

I mean help yourself out. If you’re too stupid to own the URL of an almost forty year old band, at least come up with a URL that makes intuitive sense, and pay someone to make it come to the top of Google results if anyone puts appropriate search terms in.

But it gets worse. The Eagles site has POP-UPS! Which are blocked by Firefox! And, although they appear in Safari, the QuickTime movie never loads.

How did this happen? Isn’t anybody tech-savvy over at the management company? Didn’t anybody think about the pop-ups being blocked? Didn’t anybody test the site?

Utterly ridiculous.

If a boomer is too stupid to go to MySpace, or find the MySpace site, and can actually find the band’s homepage, they expect to hear the new record. But they don’t.

Don Henley is famously tech-averse. But he’s only hurting himself here.

I do believe boomers are the last audience into physical product. That many want the CD. But plenty have iPods. And they’ll pay for music at the iTunes Store. But "How Long" isn’t available there. What, are we living in 1973? How long does a track have to be in the marketplace before you can BUY IT?

Well, maybe you need to go to Wal-Mart’s site.

But if you go to the Wal-Mart page, if you’re savvy enough to know that the band has made a deal with the mega-retailer and it’s actually selling music online, you find pictures of everybody BUT the Eagles, and a site that’s ultimately incompatible with Macs. Couldn’t the band make a deal with Wal-Mart to sell this ONE track at the iTunes Store? Maybe cough up a few extra pennies to make it happen?

The band is trying to come back. But their digital strategy stinks.

As for the track itself… First time through, you’re disappointed. You’ve waited all these years for THIS? A lightweight trifle? The most famous Eagles cut is not "Take It Easy", but "Desperado". The Eagles can come with a ballad, hell, "Love Will Keep Us Alive" was the big hit off of "Hell Freezes Over", not "Get Over It".

"How Long" grows on you with multiple plays. But does one even GET multiple plays of a boomer act anymore? Too much second-guessing results in a mistake.

Or else they’re waiting for the second track for the killer ballad. Proving the band is living in the EIGHTIES!

You don’t even get a second track most times today. You lead with your best. And, if "How Long" is their best, we’ve waited a long time for nothing.

What if MTV just doesn’t count anymore.

MTV is like a band. Which instead of worrying about its integrity, pursued the flavor of the moment, did what was expedient, to garner cash now. If only Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam ran MTV, then it might mean something.

Kind of laughable if you think about it. In this sold-out era, MTV has sold itself out, and is left with a meaningless carcass. MTV promoting a music service is like a whore promoting abstinence. It’s a disconnect.

Oh, don’t tell me about the VMAs. The VMAs are a meaningless trainwreck equivalent to a TMZ broadcast. If you think it’s about music, then you don’t listen to music. Really, it’s about advertising. MTV will do whatever it can to sell advertising. Leaving a hail of bullets and used up reputations in its wake. How about an update on all those who’ve appeared on MTV. Not only the rappers, but the reality "stars". I’d say MTV ruins lives. But, it did this after it helped ruin music.

Yup, MTV ruined music. Through OVEREXPOSURE! Acts take time to develop. Put them on TV right away, and you kill them, they never get to "Sticky Fingers", but are stuck at "Tell Me" and "Not Fade Away". Decent tracks, but the Stones would be a footnote if they hadn’t developed over a series of albums.

And that’s the Vedder/Pearl Jam point. They know the axiom isn’t true. All publicity isn’t good publicity. It just makes you a joke. Pearl Jam can sell out arenas. Vanilla Ice? All the one hit wonders broken on MTV? They can’t even sell out clubs.

So, this channel, which has failed online, with not only its own site but Urge, is suddenly going to be successful in the Net music sphere?

Make me laugh.

First and foremost, MTV has to explain rental/subscription. That’s too complicated for the idiots both steering and populating the channel. They can display boob jobs. And conspicuous consumption. But the intellectual quotient of MTV is equivalent to that of a Twinkie. Nonexistent.

Funny how in an era where it’s all about respect, and that’s what Facebook has, respect for its audience, MTV is about appealing to a lowest common denominator, it has CONTEMPT for its audience. To watch MTV isn’t to be a member of the club, but to laugh at the idiots on the channel. THIS is going to sell a music service? ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?

I can’t blame Rob Glaser/Real/Rhapsody. They need to pull a rabbit out of the hat, they need some momentum. This will give them the advertising they can’t afford, but it won’t turn the service into a powerhouse.

Rhapsody is a great concept. Unfortunately, if it’s not the Antichrist, it’s the anti-Apple. Why is Apple successful? USABILITY!

I consider myself a geek, and I like Rhapsody, but damned if I can figure out how to use it. The interface is so complicated, that "intuitive" never comes into the picture. You’ve got to search on album or act or title, there’s not one global search like in iTunes. There are different clicks for seemingly every performance option. And I STILL can’t figure out how to play one track continuously, and I’ve been using the site for YEARS!

So suddenly, all those MTV watchers are gonna sign up and love it?

There were MP3 players before the iPod. But they had no traction. Software stunk, and file transfer was slow. This MTV/Rhapsody alliance is no threat to the Cupertino company.

For another reason too. The Real Rhapsody Sansa player is the best advertisement for the iPod ever made. Transfer can take forever. It’s got the durability of a Pez dispenser. And, once again, it’s so counterintuitive you want to throw it against the wall out of frustration.

Conceptually, Rhapsody plus Sansa is great. As a practical matter? It’s not in the league of iTunes plus iPod. Hell, if Steve Jobs created a subscription service, he’d kill Rhapsody in an hour. But Steve says he doesn’t want to do this. Steve’s about as trustworthy as Alberto Gonzalez, but if what he says is true, rental subscription will continue to be a nonstarter.

As for selling non-DRM tracks at Wal-Mart. Did you read Jobs’ diatribe? iPod owners buy almost NO tracks at the iTunes Store.

You want to know what sold the iPod? And continues to sell it?

Word of mouth. Oh, don’t tell me about expense and battery problems, iPod owners are the equivalent of Moonies. They wear those white earbuds, even though they sound like shit, so everybody will know how with-it they are. And they rave about their devices. And buy Macs to go with them. Apple is affordable BMW/Ferrari. Not only do their products LOOK cool, they work INCREDIBLY!

Sale by track is death. If you doubt me, look at the statistics.

People aren’t buying iPods to download from the iTunes Store. They’re buying them to fill with their ripped CDs, their friends’ ripped CDs and tracks stolen P2P. That’s a fact. No amount of advertising on MTV is gonna change this behavior.

That’s what’s wrong with major media. It misses the point.

The days of push advertising are done. Now it’s about quality products. That people pull, that sell themselves. That’s Apple. Deal.

If you want to compete with the behemoth, don’t try to convince people to buy what they don’t want, create a usable product, which is cheaper and better.

Let’s see… Who has failed so far? Not only Creative, but Dell. Apple’s CLEANING UP! They’ve got well-designed machines that anybody can use. And they win because what the press said was their Achilles heel, the ownership/control of both hardware and software, is their silver lining.

Don’t believe the hype. Rhapsody America won’t make a dent.

And MTV no longer matters.

Rhapsody itself is a great service, but it’s more beta than final draft. And when the public experiences it, it’s gonna reject it, and the iPod/iTunes monolith will grow ever stronger.

Well, not really. It’s just that the line from the Little River Band song has been going through my head all day…

Twelve thousand miles is such a long way

In this case, the singer is referencing the distance between Vegas and Sydney. But it works in reverse too. Australia is FAR! And although they speak English, different. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be an Australian dreaming of success in the music business. First you’ve got to make it in your own country, then you’ve got to translate in a country so far away, everything’s in reverse.

Sydney is not like L.A. It’s a real city. With high rises. It’s cosmopolitan. And friendly. The ticket-seller at the quay didn’t run out of patience when I asked him about the details of a trip to Manly. Whereas in New York, you wouldn’t get ANY information, never mind the correct details.

Yes, we took the ferry to Manly. We crossed the gap where the ocean rolls in. And roll the ferry did. I’m not that great on the water to begin with. I held on tight as the captain instructed us to. Out there, was the…South Pole?

And after walking the Corso from the dock we encountered the ocean. Forbidding on this grey day. But the surfers, they were out in force in the fading light.

Earlier in the day, we journeyed to the Powerhouse Museum in the pouring rain. I’d like to say it’s the equal of those in London. Alas, it’s not. But, there was a space exhibit, detailing the achievements of not only the astronauts, but the cosmonauts. What a different era the sixties were. Sure, we consumed. But we were riveted by the space race. Imagine men walking on the moon today. Seems impossible.

After lunch in the Customs House, I sneaked into the men’s bathroom to lighten my load before our trip over the water. Got to tell you, I still don’t have the urinals figured out. Do you pee THROUGH the grate, or do you STAND on the grate and pee against the wall?

At first I was sure you shot from terra firma, the tile, that the grate was decorative. But on my numerous journeys to the loo I’ve encountered Australians STANDING on the grate. So, today I decided to follow suit. Only one problem, not everybody could make the wall. The bars of the grate were spotted with droplets. I’m not going to stand in urine. Is everybody else?

Tomorrow we take that big bird home. Arriving about the same time we left. I’ve liked being one day ahead, I’m about to be one day behind again.

Tonight we’re going to dinner on the wharf, at the Quay restaurant. We’ll look through the glass at the bridge. And the opera house. It will be bittersweet, but it will all feel normal and real. But when we get home on Tuesday, the aching will begin. We’ll encounter true normal. And that will be disappointing.

In the upcoming weeks, you can see the Little River Band in the U.S. But it’s the band in name only. The original members have lost the right to use that moniker. That’s rock and roll. Or rock and roll managers. But the men who wrote and performed those hits all those years ago are playing Down Under tonight in Brisbane. And Friday in Sydney. I won’t be here. But I’ll continue to listen to "Home On Monday" and the opus that hooked me to begin with, "It’s A Long Way There".

Now I know how long it truly is. The fact that anybody can make it from a country so small in population and so far away is truly stunning. But cut a record good enough, and it will take you on a trip around the world.

It’s a long way there. But, like the record says, you’ve got to keep on trying.

Keep on keepin’ on.