Imagine you’re stranded on a desert island and you stumble upon a member of the opposite sex.  You’re thrilled!  You’re gonna have someone to talk to, you’re gonna make love until the Coast Guard finally figures out your ship sank and rescues you.

And this person may not be a beauty queen, but hey, he or she is all right.  At least that’s what you think at first.  Maybe you even have sex and forget your plight for a moment or two.  But then, even though you’re exhausted, your partner just won’t give up.  Insists on having sex every hour, being coddled, all the while telling you how fucking hot they are.  It would almost be enough to get you to jump back into the water and swim to your death.

That’s what listening to Gene Simmons is like.

He’s not a dumb dude.  But it’s a full time commercial.  And why?  Doesn’t he have enough money?  Isn’t this like an ex-President buying time on television to give us his opinion on the budget?  Running for an office he can’t be elected to?  Hey Gene, you were a star once, can you let it go?  Can you stop trying to convince us that not only is your music great, but that KISS is the biggest act in the world?

I mean if we really want to get down to it, don’t we have to give credit to Bob Ezrin?  The producer of "Destroyer", containing the KISS klassics "Detroit Rock City", "Shout It Out Loud" and the band’s biggest hit, "Beth"?  Not only did Ezrin produce those tracks, HE CO-WROTE THEM!  I’m thinking without Ezrin, KISS is a footnote.

Ezrin went on to further greatness, producing one of the biggest albums of all time, Pink Floyd’s "The Wall", as well as the critically lauded debut of Peter Gabriel.  KISS?  They took the makeup off and put it back on, reunited with the original members, kicked them out again and kept dunning us with endless product promotions.

And that’s what this "keynote" address at CMW was.  A product promotion, for the latest iteration of Simmons Records.

Just because you’re a big musical act, that doesn’t mean  you’re a decent executive, that you can run a record company.  That’s like saying a great football coach has to have been a star quarterback.  They’re different skills.  One that Mr. Simmons has yet to master.  Sure, he made that demo tape with Van Halen, but the band ended up on WARNER BROTHERS!

Truly, it was relentless.  Gene with that bizarre hairdo sponsored by Brillo maintaining that 360 deals are good for artists and that Canada can be the new Ireland.  U2 came from Ireland, what does that country possess that Canada does not?  Isn’t that like saying Mutt Lange came from Rhodesia, therefore Lithuania should be able to produce the best record producer on the planet?

Really, it didn’t have to be 2009, it could have been 1009.  With a huckster up on stage, trying to convince us to buy from him.  Sure, there’s salesmanship involved in becoming a successful musical act, but that’s not ninety percent of the equation.  But with KISS, it is!  The music is just the vehicle to make money.  I don’t excoriate this, I just don’t REVERE IT!

Gene showed a five minute promotional film that was such an assault, the guy in front of me put his hands over his ears.  Didn’t Pete Townshend sing "A Little Is Enough"?  Obviously, Gene’s never heard that track, otherwise he would stop telling us how great he is and let us come to our own conclusion.

It was sad.  Although Gene paid lip service to the Internet, it was like he wanted to jet back to the seventies, when the label was king, when record companies were flush with cash that they’d blow on a bunch of new acts.  Those days are through.  Shit, imagine trying to get money from Simmons’ company.  That’d be like sucking quarters from a parking meter.  Gene’s notorious for not parting with his own money.  Shit, I’m stunned he doesn’t require new acts to pay HIM to be signed!

I only went because the last couple of times Gene’s spoken he has said some truly heinous things, blasting the audience, that he told us today to respect, for stealing his music.  I figured he’d come out with a few clunkers that would crack you up.

But all I got was a damn advertisement.

I know Gene loves that I’m writing this.  Almost to the point where I considered not writing about his speech at all.  But I’ve got to.  Because in order for music to ascend to its rightful position at the top of popular culture’s leader board, it’s got to be more about its intrinsic value than the sell.  It’s got to be more about music than showmanship.  It’s got to be more about creativity than expediency.

KISS had a gimmick.  It’s served the band well.  A gimmick can get you noticed, but soon thereafter it becomes about the music.  KISS took off its makeup and few cared.  The Beatles gave up their suits, messed with their hair, even gave up playing live and the band got bigger and bigger.

The problem is, Gene Simmons thinks there’s a handbook.  Listening to him is like watching a bad version of "Glengarry Glen Ross".  It’s like going to a training session for Kirby vacuum salesmen.  It’s always interesting to hear how another person made it, but if you want to be successful in the future, you’re better off ignoring everything Gene Simmons has to say.  Unless, of course, you love money more than music.

But since you’re reading this, I doubt that…

It’s snowing!

I think they should call it INACCUWEATHER!  Yup, that’s the weather service that is accessible online, but also feeds the widget on your Mac as well as giving you the weather on your iPhone and iPod Touch.  Like the Monkees, I used to be a believer, but I’ve now seen Accuweather be inaccurate a bunch of times.  It’s snowing like it does in Utah, big frosty flakes, the kind that makes you want to be a tiger and hit the slopes.  Alas, I’m stuck here in the flatlands.

Was checking my BlackBerry at LAX, getting on the plane yesterday, and I see a story by Ethan Smith in the "Wall Street Journal" about acts scalping their own tickets.  Let the games begin.  No one would give a quote…  That’s the mark of a true weasel, when you won’t even confront your accusers.  I mean I expect it of Celine Dion, can she even UNDERSTAND scalping?  But Mr. Nice Guy, Jon Bon Jovi… You’ve been ripping off your fans for years, all in the name of "sell-out" shows and high grosses.  Glad the wool’s been pulled from the public’s eyes.  You’re just another money hungry has-been, living on the fruits of a twenty year old album made with a dead genius.  Yes, if you think Bon Jovi has done anything great since "Slippery When Wet", you’re probably a fan club member…

Anyway, irrelevant of whether Ticketmaster merges with Live Nation, the smoke has cleared.  The real guilty party is the acts.  Read the story here:

Concert Tickets Get Set Aside, Marked Up by Artists, Managers

Flight was uneventful, except for the woman dressed in a religious get-up who stuck her smelly feet right up next to me.  I remember my father putting on a shirt and tie to fly, I’m stunned people today even wear shoes on the plane!  And when this woman got up, there were enough crumbs on the carpet to provide evidence a three year old had been present.  But she was not, the babies were in the row in front.

And rushing to immigration, I wasn’t stopped by the officer after stating I was going to Canadian Music Week.  Last year, they took me into a special room and investigated further.  But when I was just about to be set free, into the great wide open to be whisked away by my buddy Jake Gold, at the final collection depot, where they stack the immigration cards, I was directed to the Group W bench.

Do you remember the Group W bench?  It’s where Arlo Guthrie had to go for littering.  My crime?  I brought food to Canada.  Jerky and trail mix in case I needed sustenance for a day of panels.  I even checked online to see if it was legal.  Stunningly, it was.  But then I made the mistake of noting on the immigration card that I was importing this food.  Which the first level of security said was fine.  But now I was shuttled to a dark hall, full of human beings that God-fearing people in the U.S.A. could only see as terrorists.  Yes, I was the only white person in the bunch.  Talk about racial profiling…  The gestapo were ripping apart suitcases.  Each interview was not perfunctory.  I’m stunned I’m still not in line.

And I’m getting nervous, even though I think I’ve done nothing wrong.  I’m on their turf now.  Is anybody truly innocent?  Would they find…soap in my baggage?  I must be breaking the law somehow!

And I’m getting more nervous.  And I decide to be proactive.  Which goes against my father’s policy, wherein you lay down and let yourself get stomped by authority.  I told the customs officer I was there for jerky and trail mix.  I showed it to her before she could even ask me about it.  And I sailed right through.  I felt like I’d been sprung from Rikers, I had a newfound sense of freedom as I entered the great hall of human beings looking for their loved ones.

But my plane had been early and Jake was circling.  Where to meet him?

He told me to tell him what POLE I was at!  Yes, they number the poles outside the terminal, so people know where to pick you up.  They say the United States is the greatest country in the world, but if people just left it, they’d realize it isn’t perfect, that the rest of the world isn’t an envious backwater.  Genius idea.  Cost?  A few buckets of paint.

We eventually ended up at the Manager’s Forum dinner honoring Ray Danniels, who guides the career of Rush.  They say Rush gets no respect, that the mainstream press doesn’t cover the threesome and it’s not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  IT DOESN’T MATTER!  I get more e-mail about Rush than almost any other act.  People telling me about their exploits, how Neil Peart is the best drummer in the world. It’s all about fans, and Rush has them.  And Geddy was there, about seven feet away.  Do you still get a rush when you’re in the vicinity of rock stars?  I do.  With his granny glasses, wisp of hair on his chin and that seen it all, but humorous expression, it was unmistakably the guy who knows today’s Tom Sawyer.  Cool!

And Ray financed the act’s first album, which got picked up by WMMS in Cleveland.  And then the band broke.  Randy Lennox joked that the 5,000 copies sold independently was once again a significant figure.  Got a laugh.  But when it was lamented that the old system was broken, I laughed.  Good riddance!  To major labels and radio!  A great band like Rush can break without them.  But there are very few great bands, and the road is longer, a heavier slog than ever before.

This story started burning up the Internet yesterday.  And has now even made it to hitsdailydouble.com.  At first I laughed it off, but thinking about it last night, I wondered, how would the launch of U2’s album have played out differently if the band had aligned with Apple?

Letterman doesn’t reach 5 million people a night.  And it tends to be the same few million people every evening.  "Good Morning America" reaches more, but I wouldn’t call that broadcasting.  To think there’s cross-pollination of these two audiences is to believe that Miley Cyrus is going to start dating Mickey Rourke.  It’s hard to reach everybody these days.  And incredibly difficult on a sustained basis.  Who can get your message across?  Apple.

You see Bono’s got so much money that he’s got to diversify.  He aligned himself with Elevation Partners, and its Marshmallow Boy, full of shit hypester Roger McNamee.  To watch Mr. McNamee foam at the mouth about the Palm Pre is akin to watching a long-haired Donald Trump proclaim himself to be the world’s greatest businessman.  But worse.  McNamee is the geek who couldn’t get a date in high school trying to eke out his revenge because he’s in tech and he’s rich.  As for the long hair…  You know middle-aged people with long locks weren’t testing the limits in high school, they were short-haired geeks poring over their calculus tomes. Furthermore, in today’s world, it’s not about money, but soul.  And Roger McNamee’s got no soul.

And yes, Mr. McNamee and Bono are backing the Palm Pre.  Something techies say is wonderful but has yet to launch on its designated carrier, the fading Sprint. Furthermore, Apple has warned that Palm, on life support, should be ready for a lawsuit if there’s any copying of the iPhone.

Then again, you can copy the iPhone, but can you duplicate it?  Not only its interface, but the App Store?  Highly doubtful.  In tech, being first is crucial.

But now that Bono is aligned with Palm, can his band U2 do Apple commercials? Come on, you know the 2009 version of the launch of 2004’s "How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb" featured a special U2 iPhone/iPod Touch app.  Which came with a free single and delivered all kinds of crazy content.  Furthermore, imagine the hype of a special-edition U2 iPhone.  In red.  They would have been snapped up like chocolate chip cookies in kindergarten.

But all this was left on the table.  Because U2 followed the money.

Bono has not only invested in the Pre through Elevation Partners, now the band has made a deal with RIM to promote its tour.  How many people even know what RIM is?  For the uninitiated, the Canadian company makes the BlackBerry.  I love my BlackBerry.  Even I don’t have an iPhone.  But the devices are built like shit, there’s no physical store and there’s still no App Store.  In other words, RIM has got no buzz. It’s like making a deal with Buick as opposed to BMW.  Very few people WANT to drive a Buick.  Oh, it’ll get you there, but not in style, not like arriving in a BMW.

You don’t have to listen to me, you’ve just got to read the surveys.  Apple is the coolest brand out there.  Even cooler than U2 (and you know every band considers itself a brand these days).  Instead of Fortune 500 corporations paying acts a fortune to hitch up with them, acts die to be aligned with the Cupertino company, they want some of that glow, they want some of that buzz.  Apple ads are ubiquitous.  Not only on TV, where the song plays in the background, but on billboards.  A band of the stature of U2 can extract concessions starting acts can’t.  U2 was even IN an iPod TV ad.  If Feist can build a whole career, can have a hit single and tour the world based solely on having her music play in the background of an iPod commercial, imagine the benefit to U2!

But alas, that benefit has not come to pass.  Going independent, chasing the big money, U2 has left all these opportunities on the cutting room floor.  They had an opportunity for metaphorical price and positioning, for being the album people see first when they come into the store, that’s what iPod ads do, on steroids, but they passed it up for short term cash.

Paul McGuinness has been trotting around the world saying it would be tragic if U2 was good at music but bad at business, but the band was certainly bad here.  Career first, cash second.  You’ve got to play the long term game.  Maybe that aforementioned iTunes app came with a live broadcast of the first five gigs of the new tour.  Maybe it came with a live show that was broadcast nowhere!  With a big spread on the iTunes Store, the number one music retailer.

If U2 wants to be the biggest band in the world, and you know that’s their desire, you don’t hook up with Claude Kirschner, but Ringling Brothers!  You go to where the action is.  Steve Jobs and Bono is a summit meeting.  Equivalent to Obama meeting Putin.  Bono and BlackBerry is barely newsworthy.  And if you don’t think the Storm is a failure, either you don’t read or you don’t have one.

At some point in the future, Apple will not be the big kahuna.  Presently it is.  Don’t try to teach the computer company a lesson.  Align with it, take advantage of its identity, let it polish your image.  No one can reach the target demo, music fans, like Apple. Apple brings everyone together in a world of narrow silos.  Use the company to your advantage.

U2/Apple Relationship Sours?

I’m positively stunned at the movie grosses.  It appears that during the recession, people want cheap, escapist entertainment.  But the best movie doesn’t compare with live music.  Which is why we in the music industry are going to steal the movie business’ thunder, we’re going to unite and show the public the power of live music.

We’re gonna start with one night.  A weeknight.  A relatively dark night.  A Monday or a Tuesday.  On said weekday in every venue in every city there’s going to be talent, performing live, for the exact same price of a movie.  Ten bucks.  Paid in cash.  No ticketing fees, no facility fees, no bullshit.  Ten bucks.

And who is going to perform?

Let’s start in L.A.  Stevie Wonder is gonna play Staples.  Prince is gonna play the Hollywood Bowl.  My buddy Billy Gibbons and his band ZZ Top are going to play the Nokia.  Kanye West is going to play the Palladium.  AND THEY’RE GOING TO DONATE THEIR SERVICES!  To a good cause, the industry that pays their bills.

If you want to get rich, be an athlete.  Except for a few superstars, musicians are now the itinerant troubadours they’ve been for ages.  Getting off on the good times, the sex and the dope.  The reward is playing.  The NFL might get everybody to tune into the Super Bowl, but no musical act can get that kind of coverage, that number of eyeballs, no matter how the deck is stacked.  There’s endless music, and everybody’s got his own favorite, which is why we’re going to have a multitude of bands playing.  But this benefit is for the business itself, to keep it alive.  It’s time for this industry to do a benefit for ITSELF!

Don’t tell me about the lines, about people camping overnight, about those who can’t get in.  THIS IS WHAT WE WANT!  This is how you generate publicity.  This is the story the press wants to cover.  Much more than the endless I’m sitting in front of my computer and can’t get good seats from Ticketmaster.

Think of the heat, think of the ink, think of the publicity!

This is a big tent.  We’re going to let everybody in.  With the only agenda being to promote music.  The Grammy Museum will be free.  Mitch Bainwol will answer questions in a club.  We’ve got to be accessible.  If Jimmy Iovine, Lyor Cohen and Doug Morris get so much ink, how come they can’t come down and greet the people?  Maybe a festival at UCLA, like the Festival of Books at the end of April, where you can meet and greet every industry player known to man.  Kind of a Bonnaroo for the business.  A Fan Fair.

But our primary mission is to grow live music.  Plain and simple.

Concerts are too expensive.  Too many shows are about choreography rather than musical excellence.  We want to illustrate the sheer joy of music, naked and unadorned.

Then, every Monday night thereafter, there are going to be ten dollar concerts.  Hopefully in all of these same venues.  The following Monday, Van Halen plays L.A. and Metallica plays San Francisco.  Maybe each act has their Guitar Hero games on display for fans to test out.  We want to INCLUDE people.  This business has become about EXCLUDING people.  You can’t get a ticket unless you want to pay a fortune and you still can’t get up close and personal.  That’s got to go.

We’re starting with stars.  I know you wannabes/starting bands want a chance, you want to make it.  But it’s important that we put our best foot forward.  Name musicians live in every metropolis.  From Miami to Minneapolis, from Detroit to Denver, Boston to Austin to New Orleans.  I’m not asking much of you acts.  Just get in your car and drive downtown.  Better than staying home and watching television.  Sure, you won’t get paid your usual fee.  But do you want to make money in the future?  Then you’ve got to help save the business.  Music must be as accessible as movies.  A whim of a decision instead of something you plan a year in advance.

In ensuing weeks, Ticketmaster issues the tickets sans surcharges.  Concession prices can remain the same.  T-shirts can even be an exorbitant thirty five bucks, but the music, the music itself must be CHEAP!

Can’t we all come together?  At least once a month?  Leaving the petty agendas and the politics out?  Can’t we put the music first?  Consider it charity for yourself.  Rather than donating to a foundation, turn on the lights in your building that evening.

Our only agenda is showing the greatness of music.  The public gets to attend the shows of their choice.  But truly, the highest price that can be charged is fifteen bucks.  Like going to the ArcLight.  And every show across America must be the same damn price.  And all those acts in "retirement" have to come out too.  Everybody from Fats Domino to Simon & Garfunkel before their next cleanup tour begins.

Come on!  Only Gene Simmons got into this business for the money.  The rest of you were enraptured by the music.  Can’t you get the public on the same page?  Can’t you turn everybody into a club rat?  Can’t we get everybody to go out and see live music on a regular basis?  Or do we have to wait until the labels fail, independent promoters are broken and every ticket is sold on TicketsNow and StubHub?

Don Henley and the Eagles too.  Don’t go to D.C. and play for the Washingtonians, give back to the public.  We’ve got endless riches of acts.  It’s time for everybody to come out of the woodwork and come back.  In an organized fashion.  So the public is overwhelmed.