We’ve been shooting reds and yellows all day…

The night before my first college vacation I went with my friend Larry to the Batts, to visit his girlfriend Karen, whom he’d met the second day of school.

It didn’t last.

But it went on a good long time. They turned out to be opposites. She an artist, he a social scientist. But at this point they didn’t know that. They had their attractiveness in common. Add in a dollop of niceness and you have a newly-minted relationship.

Which gave me entry into the aforementioned Batts, the colloquial name for "Battelle Hall", a sprawling two story edifice where each and every freshman girl resided. You might say "woman", but at age eighteen, you’re on the cusp of transition. Boys are horny, but they don’t know what to do with themselves other than show up in the right place and hope and pray.

And the Batts was the right place.

It’s hard being a hanger-on. You’ve got entry to the club, but no real status. You’ve got no room to move, to exhibit your personality, because if you commit a faux pas, you might be ejected. And that would hurt.

So we journey up to Karen’s room and there’s a cluster of girls, maybe four or five. And not a single guy in sight. And putting my best foot forward, which was not always easy for me to do, I spoke to Judy. Who spoke back. And I got that tingling inside. That this could be romance.

And I had forty minutes to contemplate it, because that’s how long it took us to listen to "Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers".

This was Firesign Theatre’s third album. The first two I only knew by title, "Waiting For The Electrician or Someone Like Him" and "How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere At All". The latter, in addition to having an eminently quotable title, featured a memorable cover, which you only had to see once. There was a row of revolutionaries, akin to the dictators in "Bananas", and they had their arms in the air hailing Lenin and Marx. Only, in this case, it was John Lennon and Groucho Marx.

Creativity. We marvel in its presence. How do people come up with this stuff?

And music was the bleeding edge. Whether it be the Beatles, Frank Zappa or this comedy group, if you were interested in seeing limits tested, you put on a vinyl record.

It’s so different from today. Where so-called "artists" are looking where to sell out. In the sixties and seventies, the Fortune 500 was afraid of the musicians. And the musicians had contempt for the businessmen, who were abusing the planet and marginalizing the proletariat.

You only had to listen to "Don’t Crush That Dwarf" once to remember the catch phrases. The adventures of the Tirebiters were just that fascinating.

And I’d like to tell you that when we returned from vacation, Judy was interested. But that would be a lie. All these years later I’m thinking her distance could have been about anxiety more than disinterest, guess I’ll never know.

But during that vacation I purchased "Don’t Crush That Dwarf". And I subsequently acquired the even further out there, "I Think We’re All Bozos On This Bus".

Follow the yellow rubber line…

This vinyl theatre penetrated the counterculture. The Grateful Dead embraced Bozoism. Today people think Bozo’s a clown, but if you were hip forty years ago, you knew bozos were more than that, you learned about them from the Firesign Theatre.

It was a club. Not so small, and its members could quote lines back and forth ad infinitum. We hung our culture upon them.

And if you’re under forty, you’ve got no idea what I’m speaking of.

Maybe if you’re under fifty.

Because very little lasts.

But that does not mean that which fades has no value.

But to understand the Firesign Theatre you’d have to have lived through Vietnam, experienced the absurdity of our politicians, you’d have to want to stay out more than buy in.

Maybe, with the inability to penetrate the upper class, we’ll see a burst of creativity in the arts. College graduates will be consumed with more than creating new investment vehicles.

Peter Bergman went to Yale. And he didn’t go to work for Goldman Sachs. He went into radio, not the Ryan Seacrest Clear Channel make me puke terrestrial of today, but the public airwaves of yesteryear. And while doing a show at KPFK, the Firesign Theatre was born.

I don’t need you to listen to the records.

But I do need you to understand the culture of days gone by. When Peter Bergman and his compatriots were counterculture heroes and affected society more than Ivy League dropouts desiring to clean up in Silicon Valley.

Peter Bergman didn’t O.D. He didn’t go out with a bang. He lived to the ripe old age of 72 before the cancer got him.

It’s gonna get all of us. Best to try and leave your mark before it does.

"I Love You Always Forever"
Donna Lewis

Some tracks you’re not supposed to like, but you LOVE THEM!

And this is one of them…

It’s that sound that begins at :39, like a synth running over the hills. It excites you, takes you out of this world and puts a smile on your face.

And the lyrics are such non sequiturs and so stupid that they work. Phrases are indelibly stuck in my brain…PALE AMBER ROSE?

And then there’s the line:

You’ve got the most unbelievable blue eyes…

Love is not something you see in magazines, it’s between two people when no one else is looking. You get close to another human being and marvel at their humanity, their uniqueness, their beauty.

And when the song explodes at 2:40…

Say you’ll love, love me forever
Never stop, never whatever
Near and far and always
And everywhere and everything

YOU’RE HOOKED!

As Donna Lewis sings this chorus again and again, the keyboard pounds, the electronic drums chirp, the vocals are doubled and tripled and you can’t help but smile and sing along.

And when it all breaks down, you realize you love this song always forever and need to play it again. And again.

"Just Another Day"
Jon Secada

By this time, we were sick of the SBK hit-making machine, infecting our brains with songs that were hooky but substandard, like "Ice Ice Baby" and "Pump Up The Jam".

But this is the best thing SBK ever released, except maybe for "Hold On" by Wilson Philips.

I, I don’t want to say it
I don’t want to find another way
Make it through the day without you

Whoa! That’s the most powerful pain in the universe, love lost. How do you get through? What distraction is gonna work, how can you trick your brain today, or should you just stay in bed and wallow in the pain?

I, I, I can’t resist
Trying to find exactly what I miss
It’s just another day without you

You keep turning it over in your mind. If only they’d come back and stop your brain from racing.

But they never do. You endure the pain until you find someone new.

"Smile A Little Smile For Me"
The Flying Machine

Sure, it’s sappy, almost bubble gum, but we’re all sentimental at heart. And this song has got a great singalong chorus. And even if you’re too self-conscious to sing along, you can’t help but nod your head.

Smile a little smile for me, Rose Marie

(And to be honest, I can’t help but think of the real Rose Marie, from "The Dick Van Dyke Show", every time I hear this track, both then and now.)

"The Letter"
The Arbors

It had already been a smash hit in the under two minute original by the Box Tops. But merely two years later this soft, psychedelicized version was a hit too.

Sure, it was toned down for the airwaves, but you could hear the drugs in the track. In an era where people wore flower shirts and everything was up for grabs, revolutionary was the norm. The spacy effect at the end is straight out of "Itchycoo Park", yet fully original.

"Some Kind Of Friend"
Barry Manilow

Once upon a time I hated everything he stood for. He started out with the Divine Miss M, but then he made it with endless bland numbers that were so saccharine, they gave listeners cavities.

But this one I liked…

Because of the reference to the Beachwood Cafe. Where I used to go for tuna melts and chocolate shakes. I didn’t think Barry could be that hip, I identified.

This could pass for the work of an English soft rocker.

It’s been completely forgotten, but it’s a magical record with none of the bombast Manilow was famous for.

"The Pied Piper"
Crispian St. Peters

We didn’t hate this back then, and we knew it, enduring all kinds of things waiting for the next Beatles song.

All these years later it brings back a ton of memories.

"I Love You"
The People

If it sounds like a Zombies record, it IS!

But the original was a bit too dark, a bit too left of center for American radio. We like our hits obvious and in the pocket, which the People version, released in ’68 as opposed to the original’s ’65, was.

The Zombies take is positively British. You see dark skies and skinny ties. Whereas the People version sounds like California. It’s made to be listened to in a windowless room by a group of people high on drugs.

The original was an exponent of the now faded British Invasion, the remake was made to fit into the canon of San Francisco.

But the Zombies take is better. It may be almost fifty years old, but it still sounds vital, as if the story the singer is telling just happened yesterday.

"Green Tambourine"
The Lemon Pipers

This was ersatz, straight people trying to be hip, but it was 1967, not 1969, and it contains so many hooks that it can’t be denied.

They say it’s the first bubble gum record. I’d argue it’s much more serious than that, not really lowest common denominator like the bubble gum crap, then again, I bought "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy". You can’t think about these things too long, you can’t be so proud you deny your instinct to jump up and dance when you hear these records. The lyrics might appear to be simple, but there are tons of changes, endearing vocals…if you’re too hip to like the records above you’re no friend of mine!

Spotify playlist

Previous Rhinofy playlists

My doctor’s a Republican. Seems hard to fathom until one contemplates how he got to his esteemed perch. Through a ton of hard work. He had to get good grades to get into a good college and had to repeat this process to get into a good medical school and become chief resident.

Still, despite now being chair of the department, he makes a small fraction of the salary of the man who runs the hospital.

But at least the race was defined. Becoming a doctor is a game. Difficult to play, but easy to define. Becoming a successful artist? That’s murky and we don’t need you. Everybody says they’re an artist, just listen to the track they created with GarageBand! And many are willing to play for free. And although we need health care, in a pinch, we could live without music.

I’m reading a book about the founder of DHL, Larry Hillblom.

He came from central California, farm country. He got good grades to get into a good law school, Boalt Hall, and to pay his bills, he became a courier.

Yup, he’d fly from the Bay Area to L.A., sleep in the airport and return the next day in time for class. As for his abode, he oftentimes didn’t have one, he slept in his car or crashed at a friend’s house.

And after graduating, while studying for the bar exam, Larry realized he could do it for himself, he could start his own courier business.

But he needed contacts. He went into partnership with a salesman from the old company. As for money… They started with nothing. And never got a big bank loan, never got a fat cat to invest. Finances were sketchy.

But nowhere near as sketchy as the development of their business.

Because once DHL achieved success (and in case you don’t know what DHL is, consider it to be a foreign Federal Express, before FedEx existed, never mind got into the overseas business), a competitor tried to put it out of business. Yes, Loomis, the armored car company.

But it gets worse. Loomis was tied into the government. They used their juice in Nixon’s administration to hobble DHL.

So what did DHL do?

It sued.

Well, it appealed. After losing in court and given months to remain in business.

But that’s an oversimplification. The government required a license as a freight forwarder that DHL did not need. This was the Loomis pressure. And the government told Hillblom to get rid of his foreign subsidiaries.

In other words, the government wanted to ruin his business.

And reading this, one does wonder if regulations are put in place to protect those already entrenched. It’s just like copyright law, where Disney got it extended seemingly forever and now you’ve got no right to mash-up Mickey Mouse in one of your projects.

But the point is there’s a fantasy that your career is going to be clear sailing. That you’re gonna get a VC or a record label to invest in you and make you happen.

WRONG!

The greatest successes come from those working the fringes, with ideas the mainstream can’t comprehend. And if you think it’s as simple as launching and you’re in the black… If you’re lucky, clients will clamor, but if they do, the big boys will want to put you out of business.

This is the story of Napster.

You might think it’s as simple as copyright infringement, but the truth is the labels have unclean hands. And want no progress. And just want to protect their monopoly.

Napster lost. But so did the labels.

Believing they’d triumphed, they rested on their laurels and then were eviscerated by not only YouTube, but Tunecore and iTunes, which allowed anybody to get their music distributed. You don’t see the majors suing Tunecore, they’ve got no case!

Becoming a winner is not a decision. You don’t look in the mirror and say "I’m smart enough, I want it enough, I deserve it."

That’s hogwash for pussies.

First and foremost you must prepare.

You don’t have to know how to read music to be successful, but it certainly helps. Larry Hillblom did not have to be a lawyer to make DHL a success, but the fact that he was one gave him insight into the process, and allowed him to chart a path to success.

And once you’re in the game, expect to be beaten down.

Sure, there’s the occasional artists who’s led a charmed life.

But most of them can tell stories of not only being ripped off, but pushed off. Lady Gaga lost her label deal. If you don’t know how disheartening that is, you’re still living in your mommy’s house and on her payroll. And then there are acts that despite the big push, don’t break through.

But there’s a certain sect of acts who just won’t give up.

If you think you’re good now, if you think you know everything, I’m laughing.

All those prepubescent acts. It’s got little to do with their talent and all to do with the machine. From Miley Cyrus to Justin Bieber to Willow Smith. Once the machine gives up on them, once they’re no longer a cash cow, they’re done. Can you say Leif Garrett?

You think it’s about your lucky break.

No, it’s about a series of breaks, and you can’t predict in advance which one is the one that will make a difference.

But even more than breaks, it’s about losses.

So, if you want to be a winner in this world, stay in school, play the game as hard as you can. Then you possibly can have the status of the M.D. above.

If you want to win in art, know that the odds of success are infinitesimal. And what you learn off the stage is just as important as what you learn on.

It takes a lot to make it. Outsiders may not be able to see the bruises, but they’re there. And they fade, but they’re never forgotten.

I believe in a safety net.

But despite the hoopla about welfare queens, no one living on the dole is doing well.

If you want to do well, in today’s winner take all society, you’ve got to do the work. When no one is paying attention, when no one cares. If you haven’t thought of giving up, you just haven’t tried hard enough. If you believe you should make it because everybody believes in you, you’re delusional.

If you realize music is a lonely pursuit and only the most dogged and talented have a chance of a lifelong career…you’ve got a chance.

"King Larry: The Life and Ruins of a Billionaire Genius"

Apple is the Beatles of tech.

Once upon a time, the youth of America looked forward to the new releases of their favorite bands. Now they look forward to the latest from Apple.

Why is this?

1. Apple Surprises Us

A band would make the iPod and give up. Tour incessantly on the fumes of a ten year old device, charging us up the yin-yang for the privilege of reliving our youth.

The iPod is dead. It’s barely advertised. Like a band in the seventies, Apple’s playing its new album live, with only nodding reference to the hits. Why is it tech fans are interested in the new when you can’t get them to sit through anything they don’t know live? Furthermore, we’ve trained them not to want it live, to have it canned, so it’s perfect. Tablets are inherently messy devices. You install apps, you customize them, you get frustrated, you make them your own. Whereas every show of the major act is the same whether you see it in Detroit or San Diego, Tampa or Seattle. In a land where it’s all about having it your way, in music, the customer has no control.

2. Apple Innovates

The Beatles analogy fits because the band never repeated itself. We could not foresee "Sgt. Pepper" after "Revolver". Great artists take chances. No one takes chances in music anymore, they just repeat what they’ve done successfully, endlessly.

3. Bean Counters Come Last

Tim Cook may be an efficiency expert, but he knows he’s subservient to designer Jonny Ive and the engineers. It’s all about new products and risk. Whereas it’s all about the money in music. Every member of the infrastructure, from label to manager to agent, focuses on cash first. Do that endorsement! Take that sponsorship! Play in the biggest hall you can! Musicians are playing for their handlers as opposed to vice versa. Somehow, Clive Davis and Jimmy Iovine became bigger than the acts. Innovation is scary. Only creative people are willing to make the jump. To believe the suits will endorse your exploits is like believing your mother will be fine with you dropping out of college and hitchhiking to find yourself. But it’s when you’ve got your thumb stuck out, with the wind in your hair, that you learn, that you become inspired.

4. The Money Is Secondary To The Products

What I mean is everyone talks about the value of Apple stock, but it’s AFTER they speak about the products. Most people know about U2’s tour grosses, but they couldn’t care less about the band’s new music. Bruce Springsteen puts out a new album that’s dead on arrival. Our favorites have ceased to amaze us for so long, most of us have stopped paying attention. It’s like being excited over a new HP release, or caring about a new BlackBerry. Our trust has been eroded, we’ve given up on the past, we’re interested in the new.

Sure, everyone uses Apple products, red state and blue, rich and relatively poor, young and old. But once upon a time, everyone knew who the Beatles were, and were aware of both the Stones and Louis Armstrong. And you can credit the Top Forty radio of yore, but still the acts have abdicated their power. They got in bed with MTV, they became beholden to the labels, they bitched about people stealing their music, they completely marginalized themselves.

As for the newbies yelling loudly without talent… We see that game in tech all the time. We’ve started to tune the pronouncements out. Just like we won’t give your music a listen. We only have time for great, do you sell great?

And we want cool. Features we could not foresee. Like the ability to find your lost iPhone, iPad and Mac online. Apple didn’t need to include this feature, nor did they need to provide free iCloud services, but the company wanted to blow our minds, keep us paying attention and in the fold. Whereas all we hear from musicians is who they slept with and where they went on vacation.

The acts have to give up on the money. They lost that battle. Until America realigns, no musician can make the kind of money Tim Cook does, never mind Lloyd Blankfein. But instead of complaining about this, musicians should realize that power is not merely money based. Music has more power than any amount of cash. But it must be honest and true and new.

Lady Gaga marketed her second album better than she made it. Imagine if it had been an improvement upon what came before. If we didn’t hear Madonna’s "Express Yourself" in the single, but something that was completely unfamiliar.

But Gaga didn’t do this. And despite all the hoopla, most of America just doesn’t care about her. She’s the biggest of the marginal. Like the endlessly repeating himself Jay-Z. Kanye takes a few risks, but he’s such a narcissist, we’re turned off.

As for the rock acts… They’re repeating a formula, growing their hair to look the part. Huh? We’ve seen that movie before, we don’t care.

As for country… It’s just bad rock and roll. Country music sales dropped precipitously when the audience got computers and the sphere will be hugely impacted when terrestrial country radio tanks, which it will.

The Apple iPad announcement is bigger than any album this year. Bigger than Van Halen, Springsteen or… People were waiting for it, salivating. They talked about it. Anticipation was palpable.

This is the way it used to be in music.