It’s about the awards, STUPID!

What kind of crazy, messed up world do we live in where the Golden Globes are better than the Oscars?

One in which the foreign press knows that its trophies are meaningless and does its best to focus on stars and faux pas. The Golden Globes is sold as a night with your favorite stars, down home and personal, if you can remember who won, you’re Pia Zadora’s progeny.

Last night’s Oscar telecast was riddled with so much irrelevance, so much tripe, so much FILLER that the only reason to watch it was to snark about it on Twitter.

The movie people just don’t get it… We’re making fun of you!

Movies, when done right, are larger than life. Music, when done right, is life itself.

Mmm… Let me think about this. I care about these actors because…

I DON’T!

Check the statistics. It’s musicians with the most Twitter followers. Because they’ve got something to say. From Jennifer Lawrence to Jennifer Aniston, from Robert DeNiro to Bradley Cooper, are we really interested in what any of these two-dimensional nitwits has to say? Are they the ones lighting up Twitter? OF COURSE NOT!

The Academy just doesn’t get it. That it’s now a target for our scorn, not our love.

1. Everybody Can’t Do Everything

Are these people really in show business? Because this is rule number one. Just because you won a gold medal, that does not mean you can host a morning television show. Just because you concocted a successful movie and a long-running animated TV series, that does not mean you’re any good at hosting an international television broadcast. GET A COMEDIAN! SOMEONE WHO DOES THIS EVERY NIGHT! WHO INTERACTS WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE! To see Seth MacFarlane read from the TelePrompTer was painful. I’m not saying I’d be any better, then again, I don’t do this and they’re not asking me!

2. The Intro Counts

The Grammys get Taylor Swift, the biggest star in America. The Oscars gets Seth MacFarlane endlessly blabbering in bad skits? It was like having to sit through your daughter’s Christmas play. You know you’re in trouble when you’re trumped by Captain Kirk. And let’s get this straight, “Star Trek” is a TV phenomenon, right? Isn’t this like having Francis Ford Coppola open the Emmys?

3. Don’t Try To Appeal To Everybody

No edge, no success. This show was consumable by eight year olds, who didn’t watch because the movies they like weren’t nominated. Listen to the Top Ten and then write the show. In a world where everybody knows the truth and says it, the Oscar telecast was hermetically sealed, beamed to us from the last century, as if we cared.

4. Production Numbers

If you thought the endless “Chicago” to “Les Miz” singing clusterf**k was good, you’re probably aspiring to Broadway and at dance class right now. The day of the movie musical is dead. The fact that every now and again one emerges to triumph does not mean most people are interested. This is like Metallica doing a singer-songwriter tribute in the middle of its show, with harmonies on “Fire and Rain” and a tribute to Dan Fogelberg’s “Leader Of The Band.” Huh? A tiny segment of the audience cares about this stuff. No one cares about it at this length.

5. Adele

Get a pro. The biggest star in the world. And bury her voice in overproduction and bad mixing. Next time hire the guy who won the Oscar for sound editing to do this job. Adele was the highlight of the night until everybody but the kitchen sink came in and drowned her out. What’s next, an audience sing-along with Celine Dion? If you’ve got a star, let her perform. Adele and a piano was enough. But in the world of movies, enough is never enough.

6. Shirley Bassey

Now THAT’S movie-making. “Goldfinger.” Wowing us in the theatre. What “Zero Dark Thirty” delivered and was killed by congresspeople and the media. Torture, shmorture. It’s about being riveted in the theatre. If you think movies are real, you probably believe Kim Kardashian hasn’t had plastic surgery. It’s about the experience. “Goldfinger” was one of the best. The new Bond doesn’t compare. And Shirley Bassey brought some of the glamour back. Sure, her voice was subpar, but she didn’t seem to know this.

7. Don’t Honor That Which You Don’t

Why a music theme for the show when music in movies is so bad they often can’t even get five nominees, when we haven’t heard of most of the songs? This is like the Grammys honoring classical. Hey, did you notice they no longer do that anymore on the Grammy telecast? Because it’s a big TUNE-OUT!

8. Good Awards At The End

Why? So the east coast people can feel ripped off, after they’ve gone to bed?
Spread them throughout the show. To at least keep it interesting.

9. The Audience

Musicians thank their fans. Actors thank their agents. Who do you think keeps this business alive? All those people you’re thanking that no one knows… Lean into the mic and thank the people who bought the tickets!

10. Speeches

There wasn’t a memorable one last night. Not even Quentin Tarantino succeeded. Adele revealed some of her personality/magic, but in a world where people stand up and speak for a living, not one person could come up with something insightful to say?

11. “Singers sing, winners don’t get to talk.”

That’s a tweet from the “Washington Post.” That’s it in a nutshell. We want to see these nutcases. We don’t care about the show.

12. More Movies

More clips, more “In Memoriam,” more packages. It’s a TV show, make it interesting TV.

Wanna fix the Oscar telecast?

Make it irreverent. Make it a party. Make us feel like we’re seeing these stars in their natural habitat, as opposed to glammed-up for the tabloids.

Enough with the nitwits asking questions. Kristin Chenoweth should be shot at dawn. The pre-game was so inane, it was entirely laughable. If you can’t ask a pithy question, then don’t. Listening to one Howard Stern interview is better than anything I heard from the red carpet last night. Yup, make Howard the pre-game host. It’s a better fit for him than “America’s Got Talent.” Who are these people? How much money do they make? Who are they sleeping with? If Howard Stern can make Brandi Glanville fascinating, imagine what he can do for these movie stars.

Get a comedian to host. Every year. Just like Bob Hope. It’s not about being good, it’s about moving the show along. Get someone who knows failure, who can read an audience. Who plays for laughs as opposed to honoring those in attendance.

Focus on clips as opposed to reenactments.

Allow the winners to ramble.

Come down off the pedestal and face today’s reality, that we’re all in it together. That the stars are no better than us.

It’s like the Oscars never heard of the Internet.

How about a fan favorite Oscar? Voted for during the live telecast? That’ll get young ‘uns more interested than nominating nine movies instead of five.

And how about a live tweet crawl at the bottom of the screen.

Here are some gems from last night…

It's 11 p.m. and Barbara Streisand has taken the stage. Who else on the East Coast is going to bed? #Oscars.

— Ed O'Keefe (@edokeefe) February 25, 2013

Why work so hard to become famous and then make ur self unrecognizable?

— Bill Maher (@billmaher) February 25, 2013

Halle berry is 47. When are we gonna stop saying she looks great and start saying, "what the fuck is going on, this is terrifying."

— Jessi Klein (@jessirklein) February 25, 2013

Can't believe Adele didn't sing any of her songs from hairspray

— Chris Rock (@chrisrock) February 25, 2013

https://twitter.com/josephpettini/status/305905798373068800

And the piece de resistance…

https://twitter.com/KJTESTIN/status/305866733607063555

Yes, “Goldfinger” was fifty years ago. Before most of the Oscar viewers were born. But the producers and writers of this show think it was yesterday. And that’s fine if you don’t care about alienating your audience, but if you care…

The Grammys did a rethink. They realized it’s not your father’s music business anymore. That by nominating bad records by has-beens it was doing itself a disservice. The Grammys became a television show, because no one cares about the awards anyway.

That’s all we care about with the Oscars, who wins. But the victories are interspersed with so much detritus we at home can’t help but groan. It’s like watching a reenactment of the sinking of the Titanic.

Cars don’t look like they did fifty years ago. And they’re much safer and don’t break down. Why do we keep getting Grandpa’s Oscar show?

Damned if I know.

I was just driving in a rainstorm pushing the buttons on my XM receiver and I heard this.

Funny about music. There’s stuff that you get immediately, that’s so in the pocket you just want to sit in your car and marinate in it.

That’s what I did. Sat in my garage feeling that someone understood me.

Funny society we live in. Everybody’s upbeat and at ’em and I feel this way sometimes but often I’m reflecting, sitting in front of the picture window, staring at the world outside, sitting in the seat of my Saabaru contemplating what’s on the other side of the windscreen… Feeling positively alone, yet part of something, much bigger than myself. The world. I’m just a speck of dust, here today, gone soon, but while I’m here I’m just as vital as anybody and anything, the President of the United States, the bird on the wire, the dust blowing on the prairie.

I couldn’t make out all of the words.

And for some reason the title was not displayed in my radio readout. The song before was, and the one after was, but not this one. Obviously it was Mark Knopfler. But what was the name of the song? Even though it wasn’t over, I needed to hear it again.

Mark Knopfler. He and his band Dire Straits had immediate impact with “Sultans Of Swing.” They were on Warner Brothers in America, which knew how to do this stuff. But outside the U.S. they were on PolyGram, which was a powerhouse overseas. As a result, Dire Straits became the biggest band in the world, playing stadia wherever they went. Yup, just a guy and his guitar with his mates, just music, no dancing, oh what a magical time it was.

But then it was too much. Mark broke it down, decided he was more interested in his muse than the fame. He went solo, and he’s never been as big. But there’s this one cut he did, more than half a decade back, that I positively loved. “This Is Us,” a duet with Emmylou Harris. And I played that album, 2006’s “All The Roadrunning,” but I loved nothing quite as much. I wanted to dig deeper, but I didn’t know how.

And now I’m in my automobile and there’s this song I’ve never heard that I think I’ve known my whole life. Like a secret brother, a long lost uncle.

Thank the deejay.

So I came inside and started doing research. I figured the track was from Mark’s new album, “Privateering.” But I sampled every cut on the album and didn’t find it.

I was going through every Knopfler track, every album in reverse order, from new to old, and I wasn’t finding it. Then serendipitously I got an e-mail from the deejay, Mike Marrone, and he revealed what I needed to know, the song was “Prairie Wedding,” from Mark’s 2000 album “Sailing To Philadelphia.” It might be thirteen years old, but it’s brand new to me. It’s like uncovering a Dead Sea Scroll. That’s what’s great about music, for all the focus on the brand new, everything’s a land mine, just waiting for your discovery. Right now, Led Zeppelin is new to somebody. Can you imagine that? Hearing “Whole Lotta Love” and then stumbling upon “Physical Graffiti”?

And what you hear on the radio so often is not as good when you’ve got the ability to hear it ad infinitum at home.

But that’s not the case with “Prairie Wedding.” I love it even more. Hearing it and reading the lyrics…I’m reminded of nothing so much as “McCabe & Mrs. Miller,” my favorite Robert Altman film. You remember, “If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass so much!” That’s what small time player Warren Beatty says during a card game, but you can barely hear it, because Altman recorded sound on multiple tracks and mixed them together to replicate real life. And in real life you miss stuff.

And you’re so used to Warren Beatty being an all-knowing winner. But not in this movie. And there’s Keith Carradine as the naive warm-hearted cowboy. And there’s Julie Christie and Leonard Cohen songs and a bunch of snow and I’d recommend the flick except it might be too much for those who like “Avengers” and the obvious stuff. Yes, there’s story in “McCabe & Mrs. Miller,” but it’s truly about the aforementioned feel. Just like in “Prairie Wedding.” There’s a story too, but you get the message from the feel.

Think you could love me Mary
Think we got a chance of a life
Do you think you could love me Mary
Now you are to be my wife

Imagine how lonely he was. How desperate she was. No social network, no Internet dating, just a business deal.

We finally headed out of the station
And we drove up the home trail
And when we came on the farm she laid a hand on my arm
I thought my resolution would fail

That’s the power of touch. I’m not good with it, never being touched growing up. I don’t trust it, but when I don’t recoil, when I get over my heebie-jeebies, it roots me, makes me feel so good.

And I froze as she stepped in the doorway
Stood there as still as could be
I said I know it ain’t much, it needs a woman’s touch
Lord, she turned around and looked at me

We all need a woman’s touch. We’re clueless without them.

When the sun’s going down on the prairie
And the gold in her hair is aflame
I say do you really love me Mary and
I hold her and I whisper her name

We’re all unsure. Do they love us or not? People are not like records. They can betray you, abandon you. Doesn’t matter if you live in the city or nowheresville. Then again, the more isolated you are, the more you fear being left. It’s just too painful.

Funny how these Englishmen are fascinated with the American West. Hell, Elton John’s best album is “Tumbleweed Connection.” They’re kind of like these mail-order brides. Unhappy where they are, dreaming of a better life in the new territory.

“Prairie Wedding” is the music for all those who hate the Top Forty. Who believe in subtlety as opposed to being banged on the head. It’s what you discover when you grow out of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber. When you need your music to be protein instead of sugar.

This gem’s been hiding in plain sight for over a decade.

Today I discovered it.

And I’ll never forget it.

Rhinofy-Prairie Wedding – Spotify

Previous Rhinofy playlists

It’s the ultimate in participation.

It all started with rap. You didn’t need training, you didn’t need to know anything about music or the music business. You just lifted a track and freestyled above it.

Then came reality television. Where suddenly people could be famous for nothing. Whether it be the denizens of the “Real World” house, Richard Hatch on “Survivor” or Kim Kardashian.

Now it’s “Harlem Shake.”

How did the prognosticators, how did the powers-that-be get it so wrong?

Hubris. Believing that they dictated culture, that they were in power, when nothing could be further from the truth. Credit the Internet, where the public’s power could suddenly be seen. Gatekeepers are passe. We live in an era of chaos. One in which not only TV producers and record labels are clueless, but so are political parties.

The hero of the 2012 election? A geek! Nate Silver! Who based his predictions on data and analysis, as opposed to bloviating and intimidation. When an entire party is beaten by one nerd and his laptop, you know things have changed.

And then there’s NBC, which recently descended to fifth place in the network race. Its mistake? Programming for an audience that doesn’t exist. Used to be network television was about blandly creating a big tent. Now the world is populated by a zillion niches. Whatever you’re interested in has a website, maybe dozens, with more depth and more edge than anything on the box. The film companies have punted. Believing that if they just bland their product out further, localize it not a bit, even remove most of the dialog, the whole world will come running. But in an era where Twitter and Facebook bring down dictators, are there truly that many unwashed and ignorant? China not only makes our electronics, it uses them too.

The movie business is having its wedding/coronation/celebration this weekend. Once upon a time, the Oscars mattered. Today they’re a dying enterprise. Because the younger generation can’t relate, the same way it passed on boxing for mixed martial arts. Oblivion is only a handful of years away, if you don’t constantly take the temperature of the populace and get down into the pit with your audience.

Yes, the tail is wagging the dog.

And nothing happens slowly anymore. “Harlem Shake” may have been released last May, but the phenomenon began only a few weeks ago. And if you think it’s got a future, you’re probably in business with PSY. Internet memes are now about coming together, providing commonality in a world with very little. This is how we connect, in an environment where we don’t watch the same television shows, don’t listen to the same music and only watch movies at home, on Netflix.

Call it democratization. Something the sold out government could not achieve. Yes, both political parties are beholden to money and lobbyists, yet the public is 100% uncontrollable. This is what the record labels can’t understand. They used to be in control…of radio, of distribution, now they’ve lost their power. Now it comes down to excellence and luck.

We’ve got no time for mediocre.

If you’re not the best, if you’re not a star, we’ve got no time for you. Whether it be a film, a TV show or music. All those flicks at Sundance? Most of them will never get distribution, most of them will never be seen. It’s the triumph of the few. In a world where everybody has access and nobody has any time.

Furthermore, barriers to success have been torn down. Used to be you needed the fat cat cigar-chomping impresario to make you a success. You had to grovel and sell out. Now you do it for yourself.

As for money…

That’s one of the fascinating things about “Harlem Shake.” The money is in the imitations, not the real thing, all those YouTube videos created and watched. Think about this, this is what the labels’ said was going to ruin the world. If copyright was loosened, if YouTube gained power, if the artist wasn’t 100% in control of his art. But just the opposite has come true. If you loosen the strings, not only do you have a greater chance of success, but there’s a ton of money to be made.

Don’t fear the future, embrace it. Because the past is never coming back.

Innovate or die. Even though “Billboard” is on its last gasp, give the magazine credit for making YouTube part of its chart. It might piss off the old men, but they’re trying to reflect reality. Something every punter on the street knows, but no one in the corridors of power wants to admit.

You can still make it.

But you’ve got to be innovative, and different. That’s more important than talent or skill. Kind of like the era of classic rock. Conception is more important than execution. Can you titillate the audience? Can you inspire it?

They’re in control.

There’s no such thing as a turntable hit anymore. Not one that lasts more than a week, that’s propped up by mainstream media.

No, now, more than ever, success has underpinnings. Whether it be the awfulness of Rebecca Black or the quality of “The Walking Dead” and the rest of the cable dramas.

All those cable shows made it on word of mouth. Took them years to rise above the rabble-rousing, the hype of the mainstream product. That’s the modern world, it works both fast and slow, and there’s nothing in between. Either it takes years to reach critical mass, for everybody to tell everybody else, to anoint what was seen as off the grid as positively mainstream, or there’s a Vesuvius effect, and something bubbles over uncontrollably, going from percolation to explosion overnight.

It’s not your grandpa’s era. It’s not the twentieth century.

It’s a brand new world. Where the public is constantly communicating on those hand-held devices oldsters say is ruining humanity, and everybody’s got the tools of creation at their fingertips. All they need is putty. Starter. Something to grab on to. Then they’ll make it their own and turn it into a huge success.

Or not.

This movie is going to make Lisa Fischer a star. Just like Ry Cooder went to Cuba and brought the Buena Vista Social Club to prominence, the unheralded Fischer will get a victory lap she didn’t anticipate, and she deserves it, because she’s just that damn good.

I love going to the movies during the day. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, that I was put on this planet to resonate with art. Yes, in a life that moves so fast, it’s fun to slow down and play hooky in the middle of the day.

And I know this film was the last production of the late Gil Friesen.

And I know who most of the singers are.

But I wasn’t prepared for their stories. How despite being so talented, they hit a glass ceiling they could never break through.

Claudia Lennear? Who toured with the Stones and posed in “Playboy”?

She’s been teaching Spanish for over a decade. She just couldn’t handle the struggle, despite a deal with Warner Brothers, despite me and you and everybody who ever read the credits on a vinyl album knowing who she is.

Darlene Love?

She sang uncredited on so many Phil Spector hits. The lead! The Crystals were on the road when “her” record shot up the chart, but they got the credit. She finally escaped from Phil and signed with Gamble & Huff, who promptly sold her contract back to Phil and Darlene…gave up and cleaned houses.

That’s what they don’t tell you, the downside. You see someone on TV, hear them on the radio, and you think they’re rich and famous, leading a much better life than you. But frequently that’s not true.

And you’ve got to see Ike & Tina Turner, with the Ikettes. Unfortunately, they were before their time. Today, Ike & Tina Turner would be the biggest act in the world. Because of their live show. It used to be about the recordings, now it’s about the show. And you think you’re giving the audience what it expects by singing to tape, but that’s not what people want. They want humanity, they want to be touched, they don’t want to be entertained, they want to have their minds BLOWN!

Kind of like Merry Clayton…

RAPE! MURDER! IT’S JUST A SHOT AWAY!

If you’ve ever heard “Gimmie Shelter,” you know Merry Clayton’s part.

The Stones called her at 2 A.M. She was pregnant, she was in curlers, she was in bed. But she ambled on down to the studio and sang. And Mick asked her if she wanted to do one more.

And she said to herself…I’M GONNA BLOW THEM AWAY!

That’s the mark of a pro, that’s the mark of a star, someone so confident that all they need is a window to demonstrate their wares, they’ll deliver, just give them a chance.

Kind of like Tata Vega, who was passed by by Stevie Wonder, and then sat down at the piano and sang, to get noticed, to make him come back, and he did.

And yes, so many of these vocalists did not become stars.

But they had a hell of a good time.

The blacks took over from the whites. The English rock stars liberated them. Told them not to sing the charts, not to get it right, but to demonstrate how they FEEL!

Let loose, they conquered mountains, wormed their way into our hearts.

The point is made that we at home, in our cars, don’t sing along with the stars, but the background singers. They’re doing our part.

But even more startling is how damn good these singers are. In our business-centric society, it’s believed that everybody’s fungible. That if you disappeared, you could be replaced. Not so with artists. One singer, one artist, can make a difference.

And it’s a gift. Not everybody can sing.

But we all want to.

If this movie doesn’t make you want to move to Hollywood and pursue your dream in the music business, you were born to be an accountant. How much fun, to sing every day. To be coached by Luther Vandross, to sing backup for David Bowie, to pal around with Mick Jagger.

And Jagger’s fascinating, because he’s CHEEKY!

That’s what we’ve forgotten about our stars. They were individuals. Marching to the beat of a drummer only they could hear. That’s why we pursued them, imitated them, because they cared not a whit about society, about everybody else. Make a deal with BlackBerry? Only if you don’t use my name!

Yes, ponder that. The old stars liked money. But they knew how to manage their careers. They knew they were in bed with the audience, not the U.S. Mint.

And Sting talks about the process, how you can win a TV talent contest but you won’t last, because you haven’t paid your dues, you didn’t take the journey.

As for the applause… If you need that every night, you’re in trouble.

Which brings us back to Ms. Fischer.

She had a successful album. She won a Grammy. But that shows how much that trophy is worth, very little. It won’t keep you warm at night and most people don’t know you’ve won it. You’ve got to keep on earning your bread every day and night. Her solo career flailing, Ms. Fischer takes a job singing backup with the Stones. Watch her performances in this movie and your jaw will drop. How can someone be that f___ing good?

But they all are.

It’s an elite group.

Not of hundreds, but a handful.

You think everybody can do it.

But only a few are qualified.

And qualification is just a start. Especially if you’re a singer… Want to be a star? Then you’ve got to have first class material, a great arranger, and an executive who believes in you. And it’s hard to put all that together.

But those days are through.

Just like the days of expensive sessions, paid for by rich record companies.

Now you record in your basement. Alone. A whole class of professionals has been wiped out. But one door closes, and another one opens up.

Now, more than ever, if you’ve got it, and you’re willing to put in the work, you can make it.

Because we live in a phony, sold-out, duplicitous culture. And honest art cuts through all that crap. People are hungry for truth. And vocalizing is truth.

Anybody can rap, but not everybody can sing, certainly not well.

Get on stage and open your pipes and you can gain an instant audience. People will be spreading the word, tweeting before you even finish your performance. Because we’re all hungry for something good, and it’s human nature to share the experience.

Once upon a time this was the essence of life, the essence of society. If you don’t think music drove the culture in the sixties and seventies, you weren’t there. You listened to the radio to know which way the wind blew. We listened to musicians, not politicians or businessmen.

And the “artists” have abdicated their power. They’ve done what’s expedient. They’re pursuing money and fame, not music.

But there’s power in music.

Just watch this documentary.

It’ll stop you in your tracks.

You’ll marvel that via sheer will and wits and perseverance, a cadre of performers not only had fun, but changed the world.

If you’re not up to the task, go to graduate school, weave a safety net.

Because in art the only thing below you is the floor. And if you don’t fight to stay vertical, you’ll fall flat on your face.

But there’s always room for someone who stands tall. Who’s willing to take the stage, walk up to the microphone and remind us that it’s art that drives the world, not cash, that the power resides in those who dig down deep and reveal themselves to the rest of us, delivering truth and inspiring us, just by being human. No tricks no machines, no money, no sour grapes.

If you’re that good, we’re ready.

Always.

TwentyFeetFromStardom – facebook