LOSER

Jay Leno. Off the air and out of our consciousness. If you’re not in our eyes and ears every day you’re on your way to being forgotten. In other words, if you take a break don’t expect to come back with your fame intact.

LOSER

Samsung. The dream is over. Killed by Android more than the iPhone. Proving that a shiny exterior only goes so far, don’t be swayed by looks (and be sure to pay attention to this in your personal life!) Unable to distinguish itself from low-priced competitors, Samsung is being hammered from below. Furthermore, it is being hammered by Apple from above. Its highest-priced phone, the Galaxy S5, was outsold by the disappointment known as the iPhone 5C.

Apple’s ‘flop’ iPhone 5c outsold Galaxy S5 in its first month on sale in UK

In other words, all that marketing, all those dollars to Jay Z, all those famous people giveaways could not compete with the marketplace, wherein price speaks and Samsung tanked.

Android phones are a commodity. It’s a race to the bottom. Theoretically Samsung could have a chance with Tizen, but nah… We don’t need another smartphone OS. Never mind another app store.

Their watch/gear is DOA. The phones are overpriced.

Samsung, we hardly knew ye.

LOSER

Lady Gaga. You’re in the news, but not about your music. And you can never forgo your core competency. You could have cut a song for the summer, instead, you’re making dollars on the road… This time. Next time? Probably not.

WINNER

Madonna. Huh? She’s working with Avicii, every hip producer on the chart. And in an era where the sound is more important than the performer, she could actually come back. Sure, it will be on the shoulders of others, but isn’t that how she’s always triumphed?

You can be saddened, but don’t be surprised.

LOSER

U2. Trying to replicate Madonna’s paradigm. But whereas Madge was always a trend whore, Bono, et al, followed their own path. But now that there’s no rock on Top Forty, there’s nowhere to go. Trying to stay hip leaves the hard core fanbase squeamish. Their Super Bowl track tanked. They’ll do a ton of publicity, but the resulting album will be meaningless.

WINNER

Google. It’s not the Apple paradigm. It’s a scattershot approach. We launch stuff, some fails, so what, we’re rich! And they’re even in the VC/development field with Google Ventures. Google’s advantage is its brass is a couple of years younger than the Apple people, and the company is run by engineers. Tim Cook doesn’t know enough about engineering. Jony Ive is not an engineer. At the end of the day, tech companies live on new products that run efficiently. Can Craig Federighi be Apple’s secret weapon or is the Cupertino company gonna run on the past and then run out of steam?

WINNER

Jimmy Iovine. Not only for himself, but for Apple. He seems to be the secret sauce Apple needs, he’s the one to bring them out of the doldrums. Jimmy’s got his finger on the pulse of the younger generation, which drives the culture and ultimately dollars. Jimmy might have brought Yahoo back, Marissa Mayer cannot.

LOSER

Yahoo. Marissa Mayer has a flawed vision. She’s moving downmarket, trying to capture the eyeballs of those who don’t care while alienating the hard core that does. Make your homepage comprehensible. Weed out the fluff. Good for you promoting Katie Couric and Matt Bai, but the truth is their stardom is far eclipsed by that of David Pogue, who you bury. People don’t care about Katie, other than out-of-touch oldsters, but Pogue was one of the two most powerful people commenting about tech, and now you’ve marginalized him.

WINNER

Michael Rapino. Because he knows Ticketmaster/Live Nation is an e-commerce company, that it’s all about the hundreds of millions of transactions, concerts are just the fuel, and it won’t be long before booking is done by data, with few humans involved.

WINNER

Data. Gut reaction only counts in art. And then only so far. Data is eviscerating the mystery. You can predict a lot of the future, if you parse the data from the past.

WINNER

Scott Borchetta. Used to be it was only Taylor Swift, now it’s Florida Georgia Line, the Band Perry, Thomas Rhett, Brantley Gilbert… Borchetta is the most powerful man in music creation, even more powerful than Rick Rubin and the rest of those who get all the press. Borchetta knows how to pick winners and make them so. He’s a force of nature. You should beg to be on his label. Sure, he signed the antique Reba McEntire, but I’m waiting for some old rocker to wake up and make a deal. Borchetta’s putting out a country covers album of Motley Crue songs that in many instances are better than the originals. Borchetta grew up in the Valley and can talk hard rock forever. Old rockers need Scott, they just don’t know it yet. Borchetta’s success proves once again that it’s all about individuals. And in today’s world of breaking hits, Scott is number one.

WINNER

Pasquale Rotella. Because he realizes shows are not about the gross, but the experience. That’s why people come back. And if you’re rebuilding the world with every show, you’re screwed.

LOSER

New festivals. There’s Coachella and Lollapalooza, they’re locks, their success is guaranteed. And then maybe ACL. Next comes Bonnaroo, but do you really want to camp in the rain and mud to hear old acts, it’s not a jam band festival anymore. After that…it’s a vast wasteland. We’re saturated. The festival experience has to be memorable, it has to have bragging rights, so unless your customers can see a badge of honor in attending, you’re screwed. Small festivals can burgeon, big ones…

WINNER

Streaming. Already won in market share, will soon rain down prodigious dollars. You can either join the future now, or be an object of ridicule in the future, when you sheepishly join in. Those complaining about streaming royalties don’t have enough fans listening to their music. Sure, songwriter royalties are a small part of the pot, but if you can’t see that streaming is a gold mine, please don’t pontificate about the future.

WINNER

Doug Morris. He single-handedly reinvigorated Sony Music. However, once he’s gone, it’s a disaster.

WINNER

Monte Lipman. If Sony were smart, they’d steal Monte to replace Doug. Because Monte is Doug’s number one student. Buy it, find a home for it on radio, and blow it up. If there’s no reaction, stop spending. If it only lasts momentarily, find something else.

WINNER

Steve Barnett. He willed Sam Smith to be a success. If you’ve got a work project, no one will dedicate himself to it more, Steve needs it. If only we could enlighten him re Spotify…

LOSER

Robin Thicke. The press is deafening, how his album has tanked:

“Robin Thicke’s album Paula sells fewer than 54 copies in Australia”

Furthermore, why was there an album? Thicke’s a singles artist. He should have sat in the studio with Pharrell as long as it took to make another hit.

If Chris Brown can come back, so can Robin Thicke. If he has a thicke hide, if he comes back with an undeniable single.

LOSER

Justin Bieber. Because he’s let the press get control of his narrative. Bieber’s got to regain his story, he’s got to explain where he’s coming from. But he’s young and immature and so is his manager. Bieber doesn’t need to apologize so much as explain.

WINNER

Jack White. Because he realized he’s selling souvenirs. Sure, he sold 40,000 vinyl records of his latest release the first week, but this is not a testimony to vinyl, but to Mr. White, who jacked up the price and added goodies. Proving once again, if people believe in you, they’ll spend all their money. Mr. White wasn’t selling music, he was selling a collectible!

TOSS-UP

Jay Z. Hey Jay, what about creating a hit single? You’ve been running on rep/fumes for far too long.

TOSS-UP

Garth Brooks. I’m sure your fourth quarter digital store will make some coin because the prices will be so low, but you’ve demonstrated your ignorance here, you’re way too late to the game. The reason people bought your low-priced multiple CD package at Wal-Mart was because they were already there! What’s going to drive people to your website to buy? And everybody has to enter their credit card number? As for new music… Shoot low, very low. Do it their way. Have your lyrics written by Dallas Davidson, then again, what kind of idiot agrees to be on a reality television show, and one must say the words Dallas uttered reinforce the cracker image of the south. But Dallas has his finger on the pulse of today’s country market. Yup, Garth. Make it about trucks and rims and have one big hit and then do it your way, because to today’s country audience you’re Frank Sinatra, an historical legend, you’re old, not new, play by their rules first. And you didn’t make a deal with Borchetta because..?

TOSS-UP

John Janick. No one can fill both of Jimmy’s shoes. Can he fill one?

I don’t get out much, at least not in my own hometown.

Traffic is too bad, and the choice is overwhelming. Used to be you could see every movie, go to every restaurant, now…it’s a full time job following just one scene and I’m a completist, I like to be an expert, I don’t like to sample, if I can’t grasp the entire oeuvre and render an opinion, I opt out.

But not last night, last night we went to Gjelina.

At first we were supposed to meet Bill in West Hollywood. But then he told us he was renting a place in Venice for the summer, so how about a restaurant on Abbot Kinney?

Yes, Venice has always been hip.

And full of crime.

Just south of Santa Monica, the area has been gentrified, but gangs and transients have not been weeded out. If you haven’t had a break-in, you haven’t lived there.

In the last century, is it different now?

Once upon a time it was a sleep artists’ enclave. It’s where Jim Morrison so famously resided.

But today, you just can’t get a parking place. And you can’t get a restaurant reservation either.

But Jay knew someone.

That’s what getting older is all about, the relationships, it’s more important than money, do you know who to call, text or e-mail who will get you not only through the velvet rope, but into the desirable location.

Which at Gjelina is the back patio. Because inside, you just can’t hear a thing.

That’s where I decided to go. I may not exit my house, but when I do I’m looking for a peak experience, and that’s what my Yelp surfing told me Gjelina would be. I pity those with poor Yelp ratings. Furthermore, good ones just reinforce themselves. That’s where people go. So I’ll venture to the establishment with many reviews even if the rating is a bit lower. As for the one star reviews…it always comes down to the same, some self-satisfied prick is pissed he or she was not treated like royalty. That’s right, throw out the low Yelp ratings. And know that the site can be inaccurate, but where else you gonna go in our data-driven world?

I was stunned at all the people!

Go to dinner in Beverly Hills and you run into people you know. Happened to me just the other night in Santa Monica, I ran into Cameron Crowe. But here in Venice, I knew nobody!

And that’s so exciting. It throws you for a loop. It shows you know nothing. Which means life is worth living.

Who are all these people out on a Wednesday night? Lining the walls, hanging on the street?

But Gjelina is not about the atmosphere, it’s about the food.

It started with the olives and cheese. And the toasted raisin bread. I’m not much of a European, the cheese course rarely thrills me, but these items were so delectable they could have made a full meal. There was honeycomb and jelly and soft cheese and crumbly cheese and no highfalutin imprimatur, just good food.

Like the merguez, chimichurri and red onion.

Huh?

We had to ask too. It’s lamb sausage. And it came curled on the plate, and to say it was delectable would be an understatement.

Then there was the pork belly, with Anson Mills corn grits, greens and apple glaze. The key is to cook it like fish. With a crunchy exterior, but soft, not quite rubbery interior. This was as good I’ve had, if not better.

And then the grilled whole squid, with melon, red onion, arugula and salsa verde. MMM! Recently, this has become my go-to item. Used to be they cut it up, but now the thing is to serve it whole, one long tentacle in this case, you slice off a nub and pop it in your mouth and it’s chewy and tasty and you should not be put off by the appellation, you’ll love it.

I mean that’s what I told the assembled multitude. The wilder the better. If you’re not willing to experiment with your food, I hope you like being sentenced to the same damn thing for the rest of your life, I hope you like listening forever to the music you spun in high school.

And we had scallops and a salad, but I truly was not prepared for the dessert.

It was the butterscotch pot de creme, salted caramel & creme fraiche.

I know, doesn’t sound so hot, and I don’t even care that much for butterscotch, but it was like a pudding, with sharp flavor, and you couldn’t stop eating it.

We also ordered the nectarine galette and olive oil gelato, and the warm strawberry & rhubarb crisp with almond gelato, and they were extremely good, but not quite on the level of the butterscotch concoction, few things are.

If you’re looking for white tablecloths and elbow room, Gjelina is not the place. Gjelina is about the food. Sure, hipsters can hang in the bar, but that’s not what’s driving people here, it’s what goes in your mouth, not your eyes or ears.

And that’s utterly fascinating and refreshing in a world of trappings and hype.

And you wonder why food is the new rock and roll. Why MTV is dead and the Food Network is burgeoning.

Because we eat every day.

And restaurants exist in a land outside social media, outside the tech revolution. You can work it, but it doesn’t work. You’ve just got to serve great food and continue to do so, and then you develop patronage.

Of course there’s more to it than that. First and foremost the numbers. What is your rent? How much is food and how is it priced? It’s a game to put it all together.

Furthermore, in most cases you cannot get rich. Restaurants rarely scale. Sure, you can start a chain, but quality control is almost impossible. It’s usually about the one destination.

And it’s always about conversation, a great meal is comprised of many elements.

But it always starts with the food.

And Gjelina delivers.

Gjelina

kickstarter – Potato Salad by Zack Danger Brown

It’s all about art. And art is about conception. Not painting by numbers, but looking at the world in a skewed way and exercising your vision and titillating your audience.

In other words, Zack Danger Brown (I mean really, his middle name is “Danger”?) knew Kickstarter was not about money, that the way to get famous was to have a great idea.

It’s no different from Marcel Duchamp. Or Pablo Picasso for that matter. Or all the modern art you think you can replicate but could never come up with.

Or the Ramones… You didn’t think of breaking it down to the basics, never mind have the ability to write catchy tunes.

The potato salad Kickstarter is a joke. Unless Mr. Brown has some gigantic plan, which I doubt, or otherwise he’s delusional, this will be the end of his fame, his notoriety, no different from Napoleon XIV’s rendition of “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!”

And what I find fascinating is a complicit, brain dead press so starved for something to trumpet that they tell this story with no analysis, saying merely LOOK, THIS IS COOL!

And the people subjected to me-tooism on the Top Forty who are forwarding this to everyone they know, because it does titillate them, it does make them question their preconceptions.

And now you’ve got me writing about it.

I wasn’t gonna, but then I went to the page where you can literally see the counter change, happened twice while I wrote this, people donated.

Sure, it pays to be able to play your instrument. Sure, it pays to know the business. But if you want to be truly successful, both pale in comparison to the ability to look at the world and twist it, come up with something new and unexpected, that gets people talking.

In other words, Zack Danger Brown achieved what everybody desires to. He rose above. With tongue firmly in cheek.

If some band we’d never heard of had raised the same amount of money we wouldn’t be interested.

But potato salad?

Can potato salad be art?

Yes, when it’s wrapped in a fundraising campaign that makes no sense.

P.S. He only asked for ten bucks. Instead of saying my dream can’t come true without your help, Zack is saying I can do this without you, but it’s so much more fun with your involvement.

P.P.S. The updates keep the same attitude, the same ridiculous self-congratulatory Kickstarter attitude all the worthless fundraisers employ. We did it, couldn’t have done it without you! In other words, Zack didn’t break character, he didn’t say LOOK AT ME, I WON THE PRESS LOTTERY! Although he did ultimately link to news about his campaign, which I would have advised against. Hell, if I’m already at your site, why do you have to bang me over the head with your success?

P.P.P.S. And the real loser here is Kickstarter, which allowed its site to be hijacked. That’s what Zack Danger Brown is doing here, poking fun at the fundraising site. And once you become the punch line… Kickstarter never should have let that happen. Or should immediately put out a tongue-in-cheek publicity release, salivating for the product, with puns and jokes. Because if someone is ridiculing you, the best thing to do is to co-opt it and own it.

P.P.P.P.S. The best things in life are simple. A kiss. The three minute single. And mama’s homemade food. Nail any of these and it’s much more satisfying than any possession. Because life is about experiences and the memory thereof.

The problem is you’re not paying.

Every day I’m spammed by bands. Acts that want my attention. That are bitching how the system is unfair and they can’t get paid by Spotify.

But the truth is in the past they’d have to pay to play. I’m not talking at the gig, but in terms of publicity.

Now that publicity is free, it doesn’t mean much. The fact that you can send a zillion e-mails does not mean anybody will care. Because all your competitors can send said e-mails too. Everybody on the receiving end is overwhelmed. Art may still be king, but money is second.

What does money buy you? A push from people with a reputation, one consumers and tastemakers will pay attention to. In other words, when you get that TV slot I’m impressed you did. Anybody can have a YouTube clip, not anybody can get on television.

Not everybody is signed to a major label. They pay you and then they spend. And not only does this spend get people to pay attention, it has the imprimatur of quality, because the major label does not take a shotgun approach, it releases very little, less than before, because without the push, nothing gets noticed.

Which is why we know Coachella and not your band that went on at noon. Coachella is spending a ton of dough, lost a ton before it became profitable. The investment was in the festival name, not your band.

In a world where everybody’s equal, with overwhelming noise, he who can rise above triumphs. And now, more than ever, that involves money. Not only in art, but politics and business.

Used to be everybody sat at home and consumed, didn’t play. They may have had a fantasy of becoming a rock star, but they knew it wouldn’t happen. The road was long and hard and fraught with pitfalls. But today, everyone believes that gap has shrunk, that they can hop right over it. But the truth is with all the lemmings hopping, it’s the pros, with money, who triumph.

You lament that no one wants to come see you live.

Because money is tight and they only want to see proven acts. Furthermore, in the old days you could play in the local bar at best. And now that bar’s switched to canned music or deejays. Because it’s cheaper and it makes them more money.

Just because you made it, that does not mean anybody wants to listen to it, that anybody cares.

The music game is harder than ever before, just like life. The winners are rolling in dough and everybody else is worrying about buying a hamburger.

Even the middle level acts, who don’t have a label anymore, the one that used to get them on the radio when very few had that privilege, which got them to rise above.

Used to be if your major label release didn’t get on the radio, you knew you had a hard slog, as we entered the eighties, it oftentimes meant that your career was dead on arrival. Make money? You were already looking for a day job.

But today people with no radio airplay and no major label effort keep complaining that they’re not making enough dough. As if the game didn’t change, as if they had risen above and the rug was pulled out from under them.

But the truth is no one’s got time for these acts except their fans, everybody else doesn’t care. If you don’t have a hit, not only do you have no money, you’ve got few fans. But somehow it’s not your fault.

So if you want to win at the music game know that it requires not only time and effort, but money. You’ve got to do what most other people won’t. And that does not mean a publicity stunt. You’ve got to legitimize yourself.

The truth is EVERYBODY deletes the spam e-mails about the unknown bands. The musicians feel good sending them, but there’s absolutely no impact, zero. Because everybody knows that you did it for free.

Most YouTube clips are barely watched.

Most music is barely listened to.

But somehow, as opposed to yesteryear, everybody believes they’re entitled to attention and riches.

The truth is Google and Facebook are so damn rich they can provide all these spamming services for free. E-mail is free. Everything is free, including your music!

How can you complain your music is free when you’re taking advantage of all the free services to make it and spread the word about it?

The truth is the money is elsewhere.

And it’s always about the money.

If you’re making none, it’s your fault. Stick around, get really good, tweak your act and get someone to invest in it and then maybe you’ll have a chance.

Otherwise, stay in school.