Fix the teeth, make it shorter and lie about your age.

Is John Oliver breaking all the rules or is the truth there are no rules to begin with?

What we know is you’ve go to appeal to the younger generation, oldsters don’t switch products, advertisers are not interested, if you’re not shooting for tweens and teens, we don’t care.

And god help us be beautiful. Isn’t that the Fox News mantra? If you find a guy who doesn’t want to bang Megyn Kelly, he’s gay. If you’re gonna hire a lawyer, one who’s actually smart, why not get someone beautiful? Yup, no ugly people on TV.

And don’t you know that kids have a short attention span? I mean you’re gonna talk about income inequality for fourteen minutes? Everybody’s gonna tune out, no one cares, can’t you throw in some cute dogs or cats while you’re at it, and a feel good moment too?

But no, John Oliver is British. So he’s self-deprecating and can verbalize the truth everyone in America is afraid to utter. That’s right, the mayor of Los Angeles utters the F-word and it dominates the news for two weeks, as if no one over twenty ever swears.

And there’s the fiction that there are two reasonable sides to every story. As if every time someone’s bleeding to death, we should call in the Christian Scientists for their take.

No, the truth is everybody knows what’s real, and it’s beyond refreshing to have someone in a position of power utter it.

That’s what John Oliver is, a truth-sayer.

Who’s been doing his job for decades.

Wait a minute? Don’t we revere the barely pubescent, who haven’t even had their first kiss? Old means worthless in America, over the hill old man, we don’t want to hear your opinions. And the hilarious thing is the old people buy it, they diet down to nothing, wear their children’s clothing and imitate their lifestyle. Why else to get plastic surgery other than to evade the aging police. It’s like the whole country’s living “Logan’s Run,” but no one will admit it. And they also won’t admit that with age comes wisdom, which grows from experience. You live and you learn, but most people don’t learn to let the epithets of the youngsters slide off of them. They feel inadequate themselves, when the youngsters say they are they don’t own their identity, they change it.

The virality of John Oliver’s HBO program is astounding.

And it’s all because he’s firing on all cylinders. To watch Oliver’s show is to wait for the lull, the mediocre interlude, that permeates sitcoms, that’s dominates society. It’s like watching an acrobat, or a tightrope walker, we’re on the edge of our seats, just waiting for him to fall. But Oliver keeps cruising along at an insightful comedy altitude that’s jaw-dropping. Which is why everybody’s talking about him, e-mailing clips about him.

Yup, you’ve just got to be that good. I mean you watch Oliver and you damn near have a heart attack, it’s akin to watching the Beatles or Richard Pryor, if Richard Pryor did not only talk about race and his life, but politics. We’re drawn to excellence. But everybody who’s less than wants attention. Which means we wait to see what rises above. And John Oliver has risen above.

Income inequality. Even the Republicans now admit it’s a problem. But it’s a television third rail, because of “class warfare.” Huh? There’s already class warfare, why worry about the moniker? And Oliver addresses this too.

Now his fourteen minute diatribe on income inequality is not quite as good as his shorter evisceration of climate change deniers, but…

He starts with a joke, analogizing income inequality to whether you’re stealing or paying for HBO, while he’s on HBO! You won’t get a musician to disparage his label, to poke holes in its business model, to criticize it as being antique unless said musician wants off.

Then, like a roller coaster, there are popular culture references and history and a refusal to be all or nothing, as in stating that true equality is a pipe dream.

And then there’s the skewering of America’s inane optimism, wherein if you’re not a winner, or on your way to victory, you’re a base whiner who must be shouted down and removed from the debate, you’re a hater trotting out facts without concrete solutions so please get out of my way as I delusionally work twenty hours a day pursuing victory at a casino wherein the house always wins.

It’s like an album where all ten cuts are winners, where there’s no bait and switch, where when you’re done you want more.

It turns out that we’re not interested in exterior, but interior, that everything being told and sold to us is wrong. You don’t have to be beautiful, your father doesn’t have to be rich, but to triumph you’ve got to be smart, experienced and creative.

Oliver fights with facts, wrapped up in a presentation so good that it doesn’t rely on said facts. It’s like Eric Clapton not needing to whip out a lick because the song is so good, his guitar playing is secondary.

So when you gonna wake up?

That’s right, once upon a time we relied on Bob Dylan and other musicians to speak the truth. But that no longer happens. Instead we must watch cartoons and comedians. You’ll get more honesty on “South Park” than you will on the nightly news. And it’s lucrative too, just check out “Book Of Mormon.”

So keep telling yourself the game has changed, that the old values are out the window, that everybody’s got a short attention span and we live in a hit and run society wherein Britney Spears is already too old and we need someone much younger to replace her.

You need no money to speak your mind. You need no money to be good. But if you pay your dues, those supposedly against you will embrace you, HBO will pay John Oliver to skewer the establishment. And the end result will be of such high quality that the unwashed masses will lift you above and beyond, you will become a superstar with credibility. Which is a far cry from what we’re featuring on today’s hit parade.

There is hope.

 

“Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Wealth Gap”

 

“Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Climate Change Debate”

Ariana Grande – Problem ft. Iggy Azalea – YouTube

I’m sick and fucking tired of armchair quarterbacks e-mailing me what they think is a hit, adjudicating while knowing nothing. Want to know what’s a hit? ARIANA GRANDE’S PROBLEM!

Huh?

That’s right, welcome to today, where you’ve got a bunch of pontificating blowhards angry the world doesn’t conform to their desires when the truth is they don’t want to spend or play, they just want to bitch!

So, you used to be addicted to the free format FM station. So, you used to watch MTV incessantly. I’ve got news for you, the world CHANGED! You’re no longer a teenager, you don’t spend all day in front of YouTube, you haven’t bought a concert ticket in eons unless it’s from Goldstar, and you say the best music is made by people in clubs that you don’t go to, even if there’s no cover charge.

It all comes down to money, people vote with their wallets. And today, time is also currency. Are you willing to watch the YouTube clip again and again? Because then the artist will get paid. The reason your fave is broke is because nobody is watching, nobody is streaming. Forget about sales, the revenue may be great per unit, but there’s no guarantee anybody listens, and not that many buy. But can you get tens of millions of people to stream on YouTube or Spotify? Do this and you’ll no longer bitch about dough. Ariana Grande is turning down opportunities every day while you’re crying in your beer.

She bought insurance, sure she had a hand in writing the song, but so did Max Martin, today’s number one songwriter, has been for eons. It’d be like you being produced by Mutt Lange, at least in his heyday, he could turn just about anybody into a worldwide superstar, like Shania Twain, without him she’s nothing, other than her rep, which he’s responsible for.

But Max Martin doesn’t want to work with you, because you don’t want to compromise and you don’t have a good voice and you don’t want to make hits, and today either you’re creating a hit or you’re shit. Yup, you can post it online, but that does not mean anybody is listening to it. You think you’re entitled to success, but you’re not, even if you once had a hit in rotation on the aforementioned MTV.

The problem is you’re not creating alternative hits, something with as many hooks as “Problem” which sounds different. You’ve got a lousy voice, it takes forever to get to the chorus, and no one ever needs to hear the song ever again.

Repeatability… If I don’t want to put your track on endless repeat, it’s a stiff. I don’t have enough time, I’ve got endless episodes of “Breaking Bad,” John Oliver and “Vice” to watch, do you really think I want to waste time with something that’s not superior?

I’m with you on one thing, “Problem” breaks no new ground, it’s somewhat disposable. But the truth is your brethren, the greedy boomer businessmen, helped make it so. They didn’t want to invest in the alternative, and as a result today’s younger generation knows not of what you speak. That’s right, they didn’t spend all night glued to their transistor listening to underground FM radio, bonding with the deejay, they’ve just been exposed to Ryan Seacrest, and they keep pushing NEXT, because they don’t want to waste any time and they’ve got incredible shit detectors.

So I hope it makes you feel good to sit at home and e-mail me that my taste sucks and you know best. But I’ve never heard of you, and I have heard of Ariana Grande, never mind Max Martin, because they make music that appeals to many, and you can’t. And you can only make bank by appealing to many, that’s why they call it broadcasting, that’s why they call it mass media.

Yup, this cut is formula, and even hearkens back to C&C Music Factory, never mind having the obligatory rapper. But at least it succeeds on its own level, it hits the target. Chris Martin may be a whipping boy, boy, but at least his music is pleasant to hear.

That’s what’s wrong with music, all the know-it-all naysayers. Who suddenly have a voice because of the Internet. Father might know best, but not about music. Music is a living, breathing thing, it keeps changing, and mutating. I guarantee you four years from now what’s on the hit parade won’t sound like “Problem,” but will it be comprised of what you produce, of your favorites, unlikely, because you don’t know what’s a hit. And it’s all about hits, never forget that.

Yes had “Roundabout.”

Led Zeppelin had “Whole Lotta Love.”

James Taylor had “You’ve Got A Friend.”

Sure, the rest of their albums had mellifluous, challenging cuts, but they hooked everybody with their hits. There’s got to be an entry point. You keep bitching about the Eagles, but I’d like to see you burst on the scene with a song as enrapturing as “Take It Easy,” but Henley, et al, are whipping boys because they figured out the game and played it at a professional level.

But you’re an amateur.

I hope you’re satisfied with your highfalutin, worthless opinions, because that’s all you’ve got!

P.S. Come on, do you even get the reference to “99 Problems”? I’m sure our President does, but he’s probably hipper than you, he knows to ignore the naysayers, whose only goal is to tear others down and put themselves in power.

P.P.S. You may think the clip only has 77,000,000 views, but the truth is the lyric video has another 52,000,000. And you’ve got 1,300 or 13,000 and wondering why you’re not rich, HA!

Ed Sheeran – Bloodstream – YouTube

Ed Sheeran – Bloodstream – Spotify

This makes me want to see Ed Sheeran live. And I already have!

At the Hotel Cafe Ed was trying to close us, he was willing himself into our hearts, he was performing, but “Bloodstream” is something different, it’s interior, listening to it I’m on the outside and I want in. And I know so many go to the show to be with others, be part of the giant party, but I go to bond with the artist, to experience live what I’ve experienced over and over alone, in my house, with the headphones on, to connect with the person who makes the music that saves my life.

I listened to the Top 50 most popular tracks in the U.K. on Spotify. You should check out George Ezra’s “Budapest,” it sounds so different from everything else, it stands out, you find yourself dancing in place, you wonder if something like this can hit in the USA. Because the truth is all the music on Top Forty sounds alike, and some of it’s hooky, but it ultimately becomes oppressive and depressive, that everybody’s imitating each other, that they’re inbreeding, and then you hear something like “Bloodstream.”

Yes, Ed Sheeran is a star, his record entered the chart at number one, whatever that means. Many won’t get past the singles, which have to fit the format. But then you hear something like “Bloodstream.”

You know what it’s like to wake up in your sleeping bag, with mist still upon the landscape, smelling the world?

You know what it’s like to come home, throw your keys on the table and realize you’re totally alone?

You know how your brain stops working, you’ve got so much to say, but the words can’t come out, never mind that no one’s listening?

That’s what “Bloodstream” sounds like.

Sure, you can do the web research and learn that the lyrics are about taking MDMA at a friend’s wedding in Ibiza, but to take the lyrics so literally is to make a mistake. The truth is most lyrics are just a jumping off point, you twist and turn them and make them your own.

Tell me when it kicks in

That’s what we’re all waiting for, for the hypodermic of life to kick in. To meet our significant other. To have the peak experience. We want the chemicals to burn in our bloodstream, we want to feel fully alive.

And although it’s fun to be exuberant, most of life is more reflective. Where’s the music for that?

Used to be there was a ton. Before business trumped art. Before the goal was to be happy and sell out to corporations, as if everybody could be a 24/7 winner.

But I’m not. My mind twists and turns into places I should not let it go. Who’s going to go for that ride with me, keep me company in the depths and lift me back up? Certainly not the dancing fools with their fake drums uttering bland statements I cannot relate to. But I can relate to “Bloodstream,” the sound and the music.

I’m telling you when it kicks in. Right now.

You remember when music could be introspective, before MTV. You remember when you didn’t believe you could be the artist, but just worshiped at their feet, when you merged with their bloodstream?

“Bloodstream” is the anti-Top Forty. So much of Ed Sheeran’s album is quiet and simple when everything else is noisy and loaded up. In a complicated world we yearn for simple. That which goes directly from one heart to another.

This is what the classic rockers were selling. Back when all music didn’t sound the same. When it was the highest art form and not only did you not need to sound like everybody else, there was honor in testing your own limits.

“Bloodstream” will give you hope for the future, listen.

“Budapest”-YouTube

“Budapest”-Spotify

STARTING

We’ve all got to start somewhere, just don’t delude yourself that because you’ve started you deserve to be successful.

There are a number of routes to take, some of which can be combined.

Skills cannot be emphasized enough. Knowing how to play your instrument, sing or deejay, gives you a floor upon which you can build. But, once again, talented people are a dime a dozen.

Furthermore, creativity is king at this level. What can you do that both sounds professional and sounds different? When you’re starting at the bottom you jump to the top by creating that which can get instant airplay, instant success. Managers and labels are not looking for me-too. They can get that from “Idol” and the “Voice.” They’re looking for unique.

MUSIC

You need a finished product. Best to learn how to make it yourself, whether it be on GarageBand, Pro Tools, Logic or…

Today you’re both the creator and the producer. And so many producers are creators. The roles have merged. Knowing how to work the equipment and get what you want, and experience happy accidents, pays dividends down the road.

Rather than pay a name producer to cut demos, you should do them yourself.

The truth is, no pro the labels are really interested in is gonna do your demo, they’re inundated with offers from true talents/famous people. Rather, you’ll get someone over the hill or who never quite made it. That does not mean they’re not talented, just that working with them won’t give you much of a jump. Every week someone e-mails me that they cut demos with a name, which, unfortunately, I’ve usually never heard of. Yes, there are many who will take your money despite having no real c.v. So what you end up with in most cases is a polished turd.

No one said the music business was easy. In order to move forward on the board you’ve got to capture the zeitgeist, which is damn near impossible.

DISTRIBUTION

Don’t talk about money, don’t talk about streaming royalties, just place your music where everybody can hear it. Jason Flom found Lorde’s “Royals” from an online posting. If your music is not available, you’ll never make it. The way the music business works is you get screwed first, sometimes a few times, and then you make the money. I’m not saying to sign a bad deal, I’m just saying if you’re thinking about getting paid from the get-go, you’re on the wrong track.

BIFURCATION

Huh?

The road splits, you take one way or the other.

Let’s say you make Top Forty music, the kind you hear on the radio. Then the most important thing is to have the track and an online presence, that’s how labels judge your success. How many followers you have, how many likes, how many YouTube plays. Yes, if you’re going the Top Forty route, you should have a video, which features you, yourself, in all your glory. Either you’ve got to be beautiful or demonstrate charisma or both. That’s what sells today, your looks and personality, it’s key to major companies investing in you.

Or, you don’t make Top Forty music…

Then you’ve got to penetrate deeper into the scene you’re in. Make friends with traction, get them to allow you to open. Sure, you can do it yourself, but it’s much easier with friends. Which is where you truly start, if the people you know and can reach easily are not rabid, no one else will be, don’t delude yourself. The people you know would love to spread the word on you if you’re good. Don’t get caught up in hater/jealousy mind games. If you’ve got no virality, even at the tiny friend level in your own hometown, no one else will care.

TOP FORTY ACTS

You’re building your resume. You’re selling to the tippity-top most level, because to make it in radio you need bucks behind you, and only the major label has these. Oh, you also need relationships. So even if a billionaire will fund you, that’s irrelevant, he can’t get you on the radio.

Keep working it and being innovative, trying to get to the point where the label will find you! Followers are not enough, there must be substance. YouTube stars are a dime a dozen, but all they’ve got is their will to be famous and a willingness to do anything. Everything revolves around your music. If you don’t have a good or unique voice, find another career. Because Top Forty is a massaged medium. They’ll find someone else to write the hits, the only thing they can’t change is you, what you sound like and look like.

ROAD ACTS

Yup, you’re sweating it out on the boards. It’s less about a digital presence/social networking, than finding places to play and building your fan base.

You want to build up your mailing list. Yes, that may sound antique, but it’s the only thing that’s real. You want to be able to reach your people and motivate them, e-mail is the best way.

You can spam everybody else, but no one will care.

You can send tracks to Pitchfork and other sites, but unless they’re one listen smashes, you will get no traction.

You’re building your fan base live and figuring out your act, you’re getting onstage experience, discovering yourself off the grid.

MAKING IT

Top Forty

In both Top Forty and road act paradigms, it pays to know someone, because they can gain you access. But they’ll only provide this if they think it’s of benefit, they don’t want to abuse their relationships, everyone’s overwhelmed, no one’s got any time.

So when you’ve got something that’s already ready for Top Forty radio, that might need only a few tweaks, then you press the button and get it to the decision-maker, not a moment before. It’s a business, they want to make money, can you make them some?

So you’re one step away from success, but it’s a huge chasm, most people never cross it. And now, more than ever before, the majors take fewer chances, they want to know you’re gonna succeed, they just don’t want to throw it against the wall. Are you Beyonce, Rihanna? If not, you probably won’t get an investment.

Road Act

Keep building your fan base, and once you get traction sell them something, merch, vinyl, t-shirts…

A road act has to constantly put out new material, their hard core fans demand it. And if you grow bigger, you can get an indie label deal, oftentimes through someone you know who knows…

What the indie will do is get you a little publicity/notoriety. Indies are legendary for disappointing, not doing what they say they will and not paying either. But the more major ones, like Merge, mean something to tastemakers, if you’re on their label, people pay attention. But you must deliver, you don’t get endless chances.

MANAGER

Every great act has one. One can argue that the manager is more important than the act, never mind the label. The manager believes in you and promotes you. It doesn’t matter if the manager is famous if they’re not committed to you. Furthermore, a scrappy young person will pay further dividends, they’re banking their progress/career on you.

ATTORNEYS

Don’t sign anything without one. Especially a management or label deal. And not just any attorney, one who specializes in music. There are a ton in New York and L.A. without famous names who want to rise with you. Do your research. If you’re unsure about signing a deal with a manager or label, don’t. They can always find another act, your career might be hamstrung forever.

SUCCESS 1

With a Top Forty act it means you’re on the radio. Congratulations, you’ve made it.

With a road act it means you can sell a thousand tickets all by your lonesome, almost anywhere.

But neither of the above mean you will sustain, that you will get rich, they’re really just a start. Now the truly hard work begins. Going from someone some people have heard of to someone everybody has heard of. It’s hard work and it cannot be done alone. Align yourself with the best team and good luck.

SUCCESS 2

You’re making a living, you’ve not only given up your day job, you’re being inundated with offers, everybody wants to be in business with you.

If you don’t think you’ve got shelf life, if you want to go to graduate school, sign everything, take all the bucks.

If you want to last, pick very carefully. Everything’s got a cost. Your one asset is your fan base, don’t do anything to alienate those who believe in you and sustain you.

CONCLUSION

It’s not that complicated, but it depends on the music, creativity and hard work.

The music is the question mark. Good is no longer good enough. Your tunes have to resonate, people must be clamoring to hear them again, your inbox must be blowing up or you’re not there yet.

And you’ve got no idea of the amount of work involved. As Shep Gordon so famously said, if the manager does his job right, it’ll probably kill you!