1. Never ever respond.

That’s the hater’s goal. To entrap you. Draw you into a conversation. Wherein you have to justify your complete existence. You can never ever win, furthermore the hater’s friends will pile on. Read if you must, but never acknowledge you’ve done so.

2. Research the hater.

Especially on Twitter. See how many followers they have. Fewer than you, otherwise they wouldn’t bother to hate. Also, check their number of tweets. If someone’s tweet count is in the double digit thousands, laugh and move on. First of all, almost no one is going to see their hate. Second, the reason they’re hating is to justify their existence. They’re looking for attention. Who else would waste so much time blasting their thoughts into the wilderness.

3. Google the hater.

This usually makes you feel better. Because you find out the hater is a loser. Because winners don’t have time to hate, they’re too busy trying to win.

4. See it as a badge of honor.

If someone is hating you, you’ve made it.

5. Read it.

Anybody who says they don’t read the words of their critics is an optimistic pussy who is afraid of their shadow. As the cliche goes, you can’t embrace the good without the bad, you can’t acknowledge the love without the hate. The truth is we’re all equal. Even if you’re winning it’s only temporarily, on a scale that will cease to exist. You’ll die. Standards change. Do it because you love it. Know that criticism comes with the territory.

6. Don’t change who you are.

Then the terrorists have won. Oops, then the haters have won. I’m not saying you can’t learn anything from your critics, but the more successful you become, the more hating you’re subjected to, and the natural response is to pull back. Don’t do that. Then the essence of your art is eviscerated. People love you for that essence. Change for the haters and you’re disappointing the lovers.

7. Have a sense of humor.

We all have a tone of voice. We all have expressions we employ. We don’t like them to be pointed out, we don’t like to be reminded of them, but it’s the nature of society. If you can’t laugh at yourself, life is gonna be tough. Then again, there’s no need to fall upon your sword in the face of a tsunami of hate. Laugh, then have a backbone. Because your backbone is part of your appeal.

8. Understand the hater mentality.

They want to drag you down into the hole they’re in. If you succumb, they stop hating, they’ve made you irrelevant and go on to hating someone else. Hating is not about you, but a frustration embodied in the hater that he or she is not beautiful, successful, winning, whatever. That’s all they’ve got, their hate. You’ve got so much more.

9. Vitriol is no response.

If you must respond, and as #1 states above, you never should, so you’re breaking the number one rule, don’t use expletives and don’t shout. Twist your language and become sarcastic, stating that the hater is correct, ultimately neutralizing the hate. Or embrace the hate and acknowledge it, yes, I’m a worthless human being with no reason to exist, thanks for pointing that out. The hater is looking for a fight, if you’re not fighting, they move on to someone else.

10. Hate is invisible until you amplify it.

Not many people watch Jimmy Kimmel. Most were unaware of Kanye’s fashion comments. But by reaching out and responding to the “hate,” Kanye made everybody aware of his inane statements. It hurts when you see the hate, it’s personal, but it’s not personal to anyone else and almost everybody else ignores it. Yes, Google might tell you you’re an idiot, but who else is Googling your name?

11. Democracy doesn’t rule online.

Anyone can play, but that does not mean anyone can be heard. That’s the story of the past two years, how the winners have pulled away from the losers. And the losers don’t like it…that they just can’t place their stuff online and make it anymore. So who do they rail against? You, the winners!

12. Retweets might mean nothing.

Some people have clubs, not everybody, there are some lonely rogues. And they like nothing more than to slap each other on the back as they pile on. You see this in your Twitter feed and think the whole world is talking about you, but dig deeper and realize that it’s the three nerds from high school who suddenly have a voice, but just like in high school, no one is paying attention to them, no one is listening.

13. Haters are professionals.

Haters don’t hate once and then stop. They hate and hate and hate and hate, because what they’re looking for is acknowledgement. It’s unreasonable, but it’s fact. See it as their problem, not yours.

14. Few haters will say it to your face.

They love the anonymity of the web, especially in comment threads. Put them in front of the star and they’ll get all googly-eyed. Not all of them, some of them are so maladjusted that they will never stop hating until they win, big time, which they can’t, because they’ve got to see themselves as outside underdogs, and to win you have to learn how to be an insider. Winners have relationships, people who will aid them in their endeavors. Haters have no army, except for the silent loners afraid of their reflections. They’re on a subliminal trip to nowhere.

15. Hate peters out.

Those websites, those fake Twitter accounts? They die. Because they’re one note jokes and you’re so much more than that. The hate might be clever, but clever never lasts, it’s one note for one time.

16. Hating is like spam.

It will never completely go away, but it will be minimized into irrelevance. Seemingly everybody uses Gmail these days, which employs the great Postini filter. Spam isn’t a thing of the past, but it’s now an occasional nuisance instead of a headache. Hate is peaking, because as the winners pull away from the losers online, everybody can see the haters for what they are, disgruntled people clamoring for attention who usually have nothing of value to say.

So I asked Anita Elberse what she says to the naysayers.

I’M THE YOUNGEST TENURED PROFESSOR AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL, WHO ARE YOU?

Whew!

And there you have it. The separation between the movers and shakers and the hoi polloi. Education.

Kristina from Ticketfly caused a brouhaha in Aspen when she suggested concert tickets be refundable.

The promoters went berserk. But that wasn’t the point. Kristina’s point was to be unemotional and see what you could do to drive adoption. That’s what she learned at Amazon, her prior job, after graduating from Cornell and getting a Stanford MBA.

Yes, it’s happening. Nerds are inheriting the earth. Like the man from Google, who went to MIT.

They’re pulling away from us. If you’re under the age of twenty forget competing for the “Voice,” you’re better off staying in school. Simon Cowell’s at the end of his career, Jeff Bezos is just beginning. Who do you want to hitch your star to?

Thinking outside the box, relying on data. That’s one thing the techies do well. What they don’t do well is emotions. That’s the essence of art, but we’ve squeezed all that out. We’re a pale imitation of the tech companies, trying to ring the Wall Street bell, with our clothing lines and our desire to sell out to the highest bidder. Wanna have a hit record? Go deeper. Into yourself. I mean I can listen to Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball,” but it doesn’t affect me. It’s kind of like an ice cream cone, tastes so good going down but when it’s done it’s forgotten.

Even worse, there’s a thin layer of successful people.

And everybody else sits around and bitches, trying to tear down those who have made it, like Ms. Elberse, not realizing no one is listening.

On Twitter all the rock critics are beating me up for saying that I’m happy with the R&RHOF inductees. I’m an idiot! Don’t I know that I should be championing the obscure? That anything successful is not worth paying attention to?

That’s so twentieth century. When we were one cohesive society. Now it’s every man for himself. And either you pop your head through or you’re irrelevant. Even worse, you can be famous and irrelevant. All that counts is the mainstream. If you’re not attempting to be known by everybody, if your goal is the niche, it’s almost like you don’t even exist.

There’s one Amazon, one Google, one Apple. But the ignoramuses at home think they can compete. Every day I get an e-mail saying the sender has a new company that will solve the music industry’s problems. Ever hear of LICENSING? That you can do nothing without the music? These people believe if their idea is good enough, the majors will capitulate. Kind of like those posting on SoundCloud.

But it don’t really happen that way at all.

The way it happens is you get into the game, forge relationships and try to win. And if you’re on the sidelines, decrying the game, your voice goes unheard. Once upon a time we had “Rolling Stone” and nothing else. Wenner’s book was the Bible. Now we’ve got so many online publications that only a few matter. Like Vice. Which published the year’s 50 worst albums. Isn’t it funny that “Yeezus” is on it. The sycophants have lauded it, but the public has yet to embrace it. Could the public be right?

The hipsters need the public to be wrong. To embellish their image. But no one’s paying attention to that image.

Furthermore, if you’re truly snarky and offensive, we can just Google your ass and find out you live in your parents’ basement and work at the library, or for the government, and those are honest pursuits, but if you think they entitle you to be heard, you’re dreaming.

So if you want to play the game?

Go to school!

And learn how to write.

And know the only thing that works today is mass. That the Long Tail is a fiction, and that most creative work goes unheard.

You’ve got to be in the game for eons. You’ve got to build a fan base and be very good. And even worse, chances are you’ve got to link up with a traditional marketer or get a huge cash infusion to make it.

I didn’t write the rules, I’m just reporting them.

“Vice’s Worst 50 Albums Of 2013” (via Jason Hirschhorn’s MediaRedefined, Jason’s working 24/7 to be a player in the new world, seemingly everybody in Hollywood subscribes, oh, that’s right, Hollywood’s for wankers and pussies)

I just had a long conversation with someone who didn’t remember he’d met me.

I’m not good with names, but I’m great with faces. I remember conversations. And it’s always so creepy, especially with girls…do I let on that we have history or do I just play…dumb.

Happens all the time. I run into an old schoolmate, someone I shared dinner with, and they’ve got no idea what transpired.

I used to explain the connection. But that never worked, it never brought us closer together. I told the story, they’d nod their head, and then we’d be further apart than before.

And after tonight’s encounter a song started to go through my brain, the Records’ “I Don’t Remember Your Name.”

There I was in the middle of a crowd
At a party I didn’t want to go to

This actually happened. In the heart of the San Fernando Valley. It was the night I met my ex-wife. We’d been at a party at the house of Martha Davis of the Motels, and we stopped by at this other party to see our friend Jeff who never arrived. And when I whipped up all my gumption to speak with a woman who instantly rejected me, the Searchers’ version of “Hearts In Her Eyes” played on the stereo.

The Searchers never could come back. Even though the album got a good review.

But the original, on the Records’ “Crashes”…I played that incessantly in the interim between breaking up with my law school girlfriend and cohabiting with the woman who ultimately became my wife.

This was a different era. There was no YouTube, you had to buy it to hear it. And when I found the well-reviewed “Crashes” in the promo bin of my favorite store in Westwood, I bought it, and fell in love with it.

“Hearts In Her Eyes” was the opener. But the follow-up, “Girl In Golden Disc” was better.

Save your heart
All for the girl in the golden disc

That’s what all we music nerds have in common, unrequited love. We see a girl and we become fixated. It happens just that fast. They become ours. And they don’t even know it.

And then there was “Hearts Will Be Broken”:

I’m in no doubt
From your plans I’ve been excluded

Does this still happen anymore? In this hyper-connected world where every kid in the class is invited to the birthday party? Some of us are born to be included, others fear being left out. Gets to the point where we believe we’re behind a glass wall, wherein we can see them but they can’t see us, we’re observers, we just can’t participate. And no one seems to know but us.

I don’t remember your name
I think it’s best that I level with you
I don’t remember your name
I know the face, won’t you give me a clue
I don’t remember your name
And I’ll opine you don’t remember mine

But we never say this. We just fumble along.

And songs play in our head. Especially ones that radiate intelligence, that only we seem to know.

And we wander the universe looking for people to get the references. And when we find them, they become our best friends. At least it was this way back before everybody was a winner, when records were not merely hits or stiffs, when music was more about sitting alone in your home dreaming as opposed to bumping butts in the club.

Spotify playlist

P.S. You should play these tracks. You’re going to be stunned by the thin vocals. But if you give them a shot, the lyrics and the changes will enrapture you.

P.P.S. The Records actually had a hit. Entitled “Starry Eyes.” A breezy composition that ran up the chart in the pub rock/power pop era of 1978 England.

Who’s got the time?

Beyonce may have delivered a video album that’s got the media and the punters bloviating, but very little of the discussion is about the music, because it’s become secondary to the game.

That’s what music is today. I’m surprised Parker Brothers doesn’t have a label.

Actually, there are multiple games involved.

The game of the executive is to get paid. So when you scratch your head and question short-term thinking, know that you literally have not walked a mile in their shoes. It’s about the contract, not the music. Since most of these companies are owned by the public, not individuals. Come on, who in their right mind would start a record label? Only a delusional young fart, wet behind the ears and too stupid to go to business school. Starting a record label today is akin to going into competition with automakers, in Europe, where sales have tanked.

So the game of the indie label is to bitch.

That’s the story of the year. Not Ylvis’s Fox video or Katy Perry or Lady Gaga, but how Spotify has become the whipping boy. They’re screeching from their smart phones, beginning Kickstarter campaigns, utilizing all the new technology to complain that the old business model wherein you sold ten tracks for more than ten bucks has been eviscerated. I’m actually chuckling as I write this. Yes, you want to go back to the old days when it was expensive to record and concert tickets were five bucks. Good luck with that.

And then there’s the audience. Which is looking for cool. And is overloaded and has no time to waste listening to anything that’s not superior.

Anybody trumpeting the sales of Beyonce’s album has missed the point. The rules have changed. Forever. Now it’s whether someone has LISTENED to your album!

Come on, how many CDs did you buy before Napster that went unplayed except for the hit.

I’ll give you two. I own them. That Alicia Keys debut, with the irresistible “Fallin'”. The rest of that album was garbage, I know, I played it. Ditto on Britney Spears’s debut. Other than “…Baby One More Time” I can’t even name another track. But since those albums sold millions, we were told music was burgeoning, that all was right in the world, even though most of what was sold went unheard.

This isn’t about piracy, this is about a correction.

The bundle’s been broken. People only want what they want. Make ten incredible tracks and they want all of ’em, but if you’ve only got one, that’s all they need.

That’s the game the audience is playing.

And the media is all about the horse race, just like in politics. It doesn’t matter what the music sounds like, just whether the act won, i.e. sold a ton. Actually, the two fields are not that different. You’ve got to be good-looking, with a ton of money and spinmeisters. Yup, the same way you’ve ignored politics is the same way people are ignoring music, because it’s not about music anymore.

Come on. Art is about inspiration. How much inspiration is there in records made by committee? It’s all formula, all the time.

And there are those trumpeting the diversity of hip-hop, and the cred of indie rockers, but they don’t realize that most of us are not paying attention. Because these genres have become caricatures of what they once were.

But you can’t speak this truth in the music business, oh no, because that’s undercutting the game!

Wherein we all make a lot of money, party all night and slap each other on the back. And if you don’t agree, you’re part of the problem.

And the problem, once again, is not piracy, but indifference.

There, I said it. We’ve got a whole system that most people just don’t pay attention to. Music is like curling at the Winter Olympics. People drive by once a year to watch the Grammys, they buy a track or two, but really they’ve got better things to do with their time.

So how do we solve this problem?

1. Admit that everybody can’t be rich and famous. Just because you made it, that doesn’t mean we’re interested.

2. Acknowledge that the audience only cares about great. Microsoft can’t sell Windows phones and we’re telling people Selena Gomez is worth paying attention to. We’re wasting bandwidth, and people only have so much.

3. Forget the trappings. The fashion, the money, the lifestyle, they’re obscuring the essence. The Beatles put out an album with a blank cover, the music spoke for itself, today it’s all about imaging and promotion and the music comes last.

4. Forget about radio. It’s calcified. It’s beholden to advertisers. It doesn’t serve the public. Only Top Forty gets any real traction, and any music in new genres is ignored. Music discovery must move online. The so-called “curation.” Labels don’t want this. They like radio, because they control it, it’s a closed shop. But if you want to gain power in today’s musical world, be the person who tells people what to listen to. And don’t give them tons of choice, because people don’t have tons of time, they just get overwhelmed. Just a few tracks please.

5. Stop bitching about streaming. If you’re fighting piracy and streaming you’re embracing the CD and decrying smartphones. Streaming is the best thing that ever happened to the music business. Because it delivers what the audience wants, everything at its fingertips. If that means some people make less, I want you to bring back record stores, expensive CDs, vinyl… Yup, the old game is through, even if you’re playing your LPs, you’re no different from a Civil War reenactor. Please get your head out of your butt and look forward.

6. Know that trumpeting sales figures and marketing success takes away from the music. Yup, you there at home, please name one track from the new Beyonce album that’s all over the news. But you can name “Royals.”

It’s as if the music business has turned into Procter & Gamble, a marketing machine purveying unexciting wares, only in the case of music, none of it’s necessary.

Yes, that’s the truth. We don’t need music. We need food and water. We like music.

But only the best music.

So the rich will get richer and the poor will bitch.

At least at this point the public is eating the popcorn and rendering an opinion. But if we keep focusing on rote tunes sold by orchestrated campaigns we risk people tuning out.

Yup, the game is better that the music.

You think everybody cares.

But they don’t.