She was GAS.

If you think sex should be performed under the covers, in the dark, this is not for you.

If you think oral is offensive, this is not for you.

If you think old, faded baseball players who have been to jail are not worth listening to, this is not for you.

But if you want to hear Lenny Dykstra prove he’s the best pussy-eater in the world…YOU’RE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

I didn’t care a whit about Dykstra. In the same way I don’t care about any athlete. The truth is they’re jocks, they may play well-rounded people on television, but the reality is they’re members of a subculture wherein physicality is everything and you’re constantly jockeying for position. If you haven’t been put down by an athlete, you’ve never spent time in the locker room.

But I did follow Nails’ career. That’s what they called him, because he was just that tough. Back when players had nicknames. Where are the Yogis, Mooses and Catfishes of today?

Nonexistent. Because the players want respect. Andy is now Andrew. Bob is now Robert. How do you know you’re talking to a baby boomer? He’s got a Y at the end of his name!

Anyway, Nails had to retire, his body gave out. He was doctor-shopping, looking for someone to give him a pass, but my orthopedic surgeon said no, Lenny had stenosis, he had to go.

Which he did, he retired and became a financial expert.

I know, I know, LENNY DYKSTRA?

But he had a private jet and they talked about him on CNBC and I don’t know, my father didn’t play the stock market, he believed in real estate, he worked too hard for his money, he was risk averse, and so am I.

But Lenny loves risk. It took him all the way to the bottom, to prison, where he lost all his teeth. And now he talks in this mealy-mouthed fashion in soft tones, he doesn’t come across as a braggart, but his stories are INSANE!

That’s what wannabes don’t understand. They keep imitating those who’ve made it, when the truth is we’re looking for originals. People so whacked and different that we can’t help but pay attention. Train wrecks like Lenny Dykstra.

So, promoting his book on Stern, back in the spring, Lenny told of his sexual exploits. And the truth about Lenny is no one believes him, they think he’s telling tall tales.

So the Stern team decided to put him to the test. They wanted names. And Lenny provided them. That’s right, Howard Stern had on two women who’d been eaten out by Lenny Dykstra.

I told you it was gonna get gross.

Assuming you’re squeamish with sex. Personally, I love to give oral. It’s a gift. The woman is appreciative. And when she comes!! She’s in her own private reverie, it’s astounding to watch. Like Lenny, I’d rather give than receive. Then again, this is not about my own apprehension with getting head. I guess…I feel I’m not worthy, and few know how to do it right. Then again, there was that time Alison blew me on the office floor…

So first Lenny catches Howard up on what has transpired since the publication of his book. Davey Johnson is friendly, they hung at a card show, despite Dykstra calling him a drunk. As for Mickey Rourke, Lenny wants a cage match, a fight to the death, Rourke owes him 30 grand and threatened him on TMZ but Dykstra doesn’t back down, he’s a man’s man, with a sense of theatre, hell, do it pay-per-view, it’ll get him out of his financial hole.

But that’s Lenny, if you cross him, it’s open season. He didn’t mind sharing his blow with DeNiro, but when Bobby ignored him…the tale had to be told.

And the tale today was about eating pussy.

Lenny hired a lesbian so he wouldn’t be tempted. She accompanied him on his book tour, but he couldn’t resist, he ate her out, repeatedly.

And then there was the comedian… The one who was “gas.”

That’s another thing about Lenny, he’s got that jock language, where they have code for everything. It’s fascinating to listen to, because you get the gist but you’ve never heard the words before, kinda like that movie “Heathers,” where they made up all the slang. “Gas” means “hot.”

He took her back to his bungalow…

And made her take a shower.

You see Lenny’s a clean freak.

Everybody’s got their neuroses. But nobody reveals them. Which is what makes Lenny so fascinating. He’s worried about coming. He can’t be in a bathroom at the same time as a woman. Under the skin everybody’s a freak, but you don’t know that until you’re intimate with them. Have you ever gotten a woman to fart in public? Good luck! You’ve got to be in a relationship for that.

So then Lenny starts talking about perfect pussy. How it can’t be “zyzyggy.” If it’s zyzyggy, you can’t shave. As for shaving, I don’t get it whatsoever, that’s part of the thrill for me, the hair. It’s like boobs without nipples, huh? But Lenny’s talking about a 90 degree pussy and I’m straining to visualize this and then Robin interrupts, he means 180 DEGREES! A straight slit! But rather than doubling-down on his mistake, Lenny admits fault, says he was never good at math, and that’s what makes him so lovable. Reveal your flaws, then you’ll be embraced.

And it takes the woman a long time to come, No one ever owns up to this. But Lenny doesn’t get tired. Does he use his fingers? Of course not, that spoils it! Does he ever penetrate?

Yes, but only missionary, he doesn’t do doggy. I mean come on, who can’t love a guy who’s boasting about sex and then says he doesn’t do everything! Like two women at once, it’s a no-go, he can’t focus.

Also, he needs the twenty minutes for the kangaroo to kick in. “Kangaroo”??? What’s that? It’s his personal Viagra, an off-brand item, but when he peeled and revealed, SHE LAUGHED!

“Peeled and revealed,” how does he come up with this stuff? Lenny’s full of catch phrases, and unlike a comedian it doesn’t seem rehearsed. You’re getting a window into a new world, that you can’t stop paying attention to!

You see Lenny Dykstra is good entertainment. Proving, once again, that being yourself is the best road to riches. Hell, in his book Lenny doesn’t say to be like him, unlike Megyn Kelly, writing her tome to inspire others. Hogwash. First and foremost you’re an entertainer. And if you say you’d rather spend time with Megyn as opposed to Lenny…you think you can get into Megyn’s pants, and I doubt that.

So last year at this time, the Stern Show was all about stunting, an endless procession of household names hyping their work. Gets kind of repetitive, not because the star stories are uninteresting, but because their products are. They come and go instantly. But this holiday season, Howard has returned to the hijinks. He may not have strippers on Sybians, but there’s the curious underbelly of life, revealed for all to see.

We all have sex. We all have our preferences, our quirks.

But we never ever talk about it. Not unless we’re bragging. Demonstrate insecurity and you’re punted to the back.

But listening to Lenny Dykstra on Stern was strangely riveting, entering an alternative universe that in some ways was just like your own. That’s the goal of art, to express humanity, to get us to identify. Which is why music and movies are in the dumper, they’re fantasies we can’t relate to.

But human beings, warts and all?

Sign us up for that!

“Lenny Dykstra’s Bedroom Talents Confirmed By Two Women Who Found Out Firsthand Just How Good He Is: Jessica And Jasmine Give Howard All The Details On What Makes Lenny Such A Skillful Lover”

I drove the Mars rover!

Used to be you wanted to be on the lot. Back when movies drove the culture and Hollywood was still dreamland, back before the means of production were at our fingertips and Silicon Valley pushed the envelope and usurped L.A.’s power.

Kind of sad if you think about it. All the religious shrines have been devalued or disappeared, remember when the record store was iconic and you couldn’t even get a job there? It just wasn’t a retail location, it was the epicenter of a movement, ground zero for soul sustenance.

Which is all a long explanation to say that my heart did not go pitter-patter as I drove onto the Fox lot today. Movies are a sideshow, dumbed-down to play all over the world.

But when I got out of the structure and set foot on the campus…

I felt it.

Access is everything these days. You’ve either got it or want it. We all want to get somewhere we can’t. Like backstage. And no amount of money will get you on the Fox lot, but if your name is on the list…

Do you get anxious, wondering if your name will be there?

I do. I feel an impostor, like I’m pulling one over on somebody. And at first I thought the clerk couldn’t find my name, but in truth he was executing security protocols. He not only wanted my name, but the building I was going to and my ID. Because nowhere is safe anymore, or at least we don’t think so. That’s what’s changed. You can view the world from your couch, but if you actually want to get up and go you’re going to pass through many checkpoints. There are cameras everywhere, but still…bad actors abound.

Now I didn’t want to ask for directions. I’m fearful of appearing a newbie, and I don’t want to give the cops any reason to exclude me, to hold me back.

But I found Building 58 right away, it was right next to the parking structure.

And after taking a pee in the women’s room, don’t worry, it was single user and I had to go, I wandered through the building looking for Room 128. Act like you belong, even if you don’t, it goes a long way.

I was early.

L.A.’s weird, everybody’s late. But then you are and you feel awful.

But the rest of my group showed up soon.

There was the head of post production.

That’s a big job folks, one of the biggest. And I always wonder how someone gets from there to here. They make it sound easy, but it never is, even if you’re connected, and Ted Gagliano was not. He started off working for Frank Mancuso, was at Paramount for a long while, and…

The more this dude is talking the more I realize he’s a huge deal, and is the President of Post Production really taking time out of his day to talk to me?

Do we cut to the chase or can I investigate?

Ted went to Princeton. Not that you’d know it by looking at him, he was wearing his jeans. The biggest jobs are done by those who don’t advertise via their exterior. Rock was biggest when the players wore their street clothes. I’ll argue music went downhill when Tommy Mottola and the Sony brass started wearing suits. Give Lucian Grainge credit, he rarely shows up in one.

So the Innovation Lab is preparing Fox for the future. It’s coming, you know that, right? Everything changes, you do your best to survive.

Or you don’t and get plowed under, like all the musicians wondering who moved their cheese.

So then Ted Schilowitz showed up. He’s the hands-on guy.

And Ted S. is telling me how kids are hamstrung by society and can’t wait to get home, shut the door and make decisions, interact online and with video games. Whereas oldsters are overburdened with life and by time they get home they just want to relax, sit in front of the screen and shut down.

But screens it is.

Ted S. said we’re in front of one all day long. And that’s true. We wake up and look at our smartphone, we go to work and sit in front of a monitor, we come home and sit in front of the TV. What’s on these screens is important!

And both Teds agreed we wanted to interact.

Now virtual reality has gotten a bad rap. Kinda like 3-D TV, the techies keep raving about it and the public can’t see the fruits.

And the messaging is all screwed up. All this hogwash about VR and live entertainment. Er, no. You go to live entertainment to interact with the crowd, to feel it, seeing is only a small component.

And then you have the geeks with their gaming.

The problem with gaming is…

It’s trickery. There are no instructions and tons of dead ends and the frustration factor is through the roof! So many people check out.

But the truth is, VR is about the EXPERIENCE!

It’s not about the window to the world, but INHABITING that world.

And the techies just cannot convey this.

But when I was on Mars today…

Fox spent millions to repurpose the film “The Martian” as a VR experience.

But first I put on the Oculus Rift headset, the one with all the buzz, the one that got a boost from Kickstarter and was ultimately bought by Facebook. Fox tried to buy it, but the company was too late. If you want to surf the crest of the future, you’ve got to COMMIT!

And the truth is some of the effects I saw were cool, especially standing on the parapet of a New York building and watching the New Year’s Eve ball come down, but I was constantly afraid of FALLING DOWN! I’d just seen the doctor this morning, I didn’t want to mess up my arm. They kept imploring me to turn, but I wasn’t gonna. Especially after they told me people had fallen already.

But then I strapped on the HTC headset, with hand controllers, and jetted off to Mars.

It felt different, it felt like Mars. Lonely and red, dusty…

But then I had to take control, I had to throw switches, open doors, I was INVOLVED!

But the coolest part was getting behind the wheel of the rover. I intentionally drove it into the rocks. My seat shaked. The game was smart.

I could have driven that rover all afternoon, feeling the bumps, scanning the landscape. It was kind of like skiing, it took all my energy and concentration, I felt removed from the real world, and that’s a thrill.

And you can buy the Mars excursion right now. But there are even better things coming. Narratives, but with more options.

The truth is we love narrative, we’re addicted to stories. As for short attention spans, if that’s the case, if kids can’t concentrate, then why are they doing marathons on Netflix?

We’re gonna have so much time on our hands. Machines are gonna do the work, we’re not even gonna DRIVE!

So what fills the hole?

Entertainment!

Video games already outstrip movies in revenue. There’s something on the horizon, more immersive. The price of the hardware has to come down, and it will, as it simultaneously gets better, but it’s about a breakout hit, software.

Don’t depend on the techies. These were the same people who told us to buy computers to store our recipes. Huh? The breakthrough app was AOL, interactivity, we wanted to connect. And I’m sure there will be a VR environment like “World of Warcraft” coming.

“Myst” broke open computer gaming. We just need the app everyone’s got to own.

Few owned computers, even fewer had modems, then AOL drove everybody to the store, they wanted to play.

People are thinking about the future. It’s not quite here, and it won’t be what people say it will be, but we’re on the hunt for titillation, and we go where we find it.

And the stunning thing was the two Teds were consumed by this. Conversation in music is rarely about that, it’s all about the business, the money, the penumbra. But in Room 128 today we were freestyling about story, about technology, this is what you come to Hollywood for, to escape the grind of the bank, to avoid a life of drudgery.

So maybe the dream factory is ready for a rebirth. A true hyperspace that is not dependent upon “Star Wars” remakes.

One thing’s for sure, I’M SITTING DOWN FOR IT!

It’s over.

The media can’t get over the fact that no one is paying attention to it. That the “New York Times” is an echo chamber, Fox News too. These baby boomers and Gen-X’ers are functioning in a different era, when one could reach everybody.

You can’t reach everybody anymore.

The Police started this paradigm in music. Stewart Copeland’s dad was a spook who’d been stationed in out of the way places and Stewart and his brother, the band’s manager Ian, decided to take the act to the hinterlands, after all, people are people, you can make fans everywhere.

And this is how the music business has operated ever since. You cut an album every three, four or five years and then go knocking on doors all over the world, trying to drum up interest and convert people. But if you’re doing that today the joke is on you, the cycle moves too fast, new product comes every hour, never mind every day, and if you’re not busy creating you’re being left behind.

But that’s just to stay in the game.

Winning the game?

Lower your expectations.

In a world where even the NFL’s ratings are taking a hit, where vaunted TV shows don’t crack double digit millions in viewers, the truth is attention is scattered and you just can’t gain it.

Now you can rebel against this, to no effect. This is what the oldster musicians have been doing for a decade and a half. Their main message is who let the dogs out? Not only the public expecting all the music for one low price, if not free, but the other acts they’re now competing against. With the barrier to entry essentially nonexistent, new acts are climbing the wall and invading. And the same thing is happening in news. Everybody’s a reporter. And the old guard just can’t understand why consumers don’t drop all the newbies and pay attention to THEM!

Hmm…

How does it all work out?

I DON’T KNOW!

But the biggest act of the year was the election. The debates garnered audiences unheard of previously, the numbers were especially staggering seeing how bad most entertainment products do these days. Let that be a lesson to you, when it’s about life and death, about your future, people care. And fakery’s got no place in the game. If you’re DOING it for ratings, if you’re DOING it for the money, you’ve missed the plot. That was one of the Donald’s hooks, he was funding his campaign HIMSELF!

This is important. Because as Bob Dylan said, to live outside the law you have to be honest.

Which is why the techies triumphed. Their products were based on 0’s and 1’s. There was little human emotion involved. And they created items that everybody needed. Which is why techies became the new rock stars. Everybody had a Facebook page, everybody had an opinion on the service. And now there’s Snapchat and…

The truth is this tech thing is long in the tooth. It’s hair bands about to be replaced by hip-hop and grunge. But the lesson still stands, in order to dominate today you’ve got to deliver what people NEED! And just telling them they’ll need it won’t get you there. It’s about virality, word of mouth, heat.

And the product must be palatable to most.

Which is why Adele’s “21” was such a hit. Everyone’s got a soft spot for artistry. We like good voices, hooks, melodies. “21” outsold everything else by a huge multiple. Then she and her team shot themselves in the foot by refusing to put “25” on streaming services and making an album that just wasn’t good enough.

You want your stuff to be everywhere. The techies wrote this rule. Acceptance is key, monetization comes thereafter. But the entertainment business is a greedy, street one, it focuses on money first and leaves too much cash on the table.

But the truth is we’re only interested in great. It’s a world of 9’s and 10’s only. Sure, you might be able to gain an audience for a 7 or 8, but you can’t grow it significantly, because people are overwhelmed, they don’t have time for mediocre.

So you’ve got to lower your sights. Most people and their endeavors will not reach critical mass. And a few will triumph, but then comes the question, WHAT WILL THE REST DO?

Driverless vehicles are going to decimate the ranks of professional drivers overnight, millions of truck drivers are going to lose their jobs, and they’re never coming back.

And the internet has made it so only a few musicians are wealthy.

And only a few news outlets are profitable.

So if you’re in it for the long haul, climb to quality.

But know that it’s almost impossible to reach critical mass.

Everybody likes something different, everybody’s got a different opinion.

Fake news didn’t get Donald Trump elected, angry, disenfranchised voters did. And it’s hard for the media to accept this, believing it is an all powerful ruler. Just like the music business believed it could corral consumers into buying overpriced CDs.

Most people don’t know Taylor Swift’s music.

Most people have never heard of Drake.

Most people don’t read the “New York Times.”

AND MOST PEOPLE DON’T CARE!

Manchester By The Sea – Trailer

Life is about loss.

It starts off all sunny and sweet, with your first grade teacher telling you you can become President, and then you wake up one day filled with grief, wondering what happened, soldiering on like a zombie, if you can put one foot in front of the other at all.

“You Can Count On Me” is my favorite film of the twenty first century. It’s hiding in plain sight, you can see it, but almost no one does, I haven’t heard anybody reference it in years.

And while you’re at it, looking up ancient gems, try 2011’s “A Separation,” which won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film, deservedly so, but Americans can’t like anything about Iran, never mind a movie with subtitles.

Film used to be art.

Now it’s a genre. Inhabited by superheroes. A place where you go to be abused. Today at the AMC they had thirty minutes of previews. Just because I’m a captive audience doesn’t mean you can insult me, especially after I’ve paid. But that’s the America we live in, where it’s so hard to garner eyeballs that we force you to pay attention, even if you don’t want to. Because the United States is about sales. Convincing people to buy what they do not need via subterfuge, so the purveyor can put food on the table, a roof over his head and…

Not everybody’s a winner.

I know that’s heresy, but it’s the truth. Not everybody is college material. Not everybody can be rich.

And “Manchester By The Sea” is about these people. It was written and directed by Kenneth Lonergan, the same man who did “You Can Count On Me,” that’s why I went, never underestimate your credibility, while most are whoring themselves out to the highest bidder, believing the corporation is their daddy, there are some who are still seeking truth, who have an audience, however silent, bonded to them. And “Manchester By The Sea” will never gross a hundred million dollars, probably won’t win Best Picture, but for those hungry for a peek at real life, this is where you can get it.

Certain things happened in my life that I just can’t get over. I didn’t see them coming, and all I can do is push them down inside and march forward, but I feel like I’m the only one, when I know so many others are hurting too. I want to tell them they’re not alone, because loneliness kills, deadens you inside, you can work with others every day but still feel alienated, still feel unknown, still feel like if you disappeared right now…you wouldn’t be missed.

Lee Chandler made a mistake.

We all do. But the movers and shakers, those we look up to, deny it. How are you supposed to accept the fact that you screwed up?

You get into a car accident because you were fiddling with the radio, or looking at a girl or guy on the sidewalk… But no one says that, they blame another driver, a sunspot, but deep inside…they feel awful.

And sometimes your mistakes are so major there’s no coming back from them. A line is drawn.

Sometimes it’s something you say. I’ve been in relationships where my significant other has said something that I know there’s no turning back from, that we’ll be together a bit more but it’s all downhill from here, it’s just a matter of time before it’s over, because I can’t ever get past what they said.

Sometimes it’s something you do.

Lee did something. He’s admits it, he’s apologetic, but it’s not enough, he won’t be forgiven, by others or himself.

So he leaves.

But then more loss occurs and he’s forced to return to Manchester By The Sea, where his original mistake took place.

And the photography in this film is brilliant. If you’ve ever lived in New England, especially during the winter, you’ll marvel at the vibe, the snow, the cold… TV has taken the reins from film but it’s all about story, there’s no focus on atmosphere, which doesn’t work so well on the small screen anyway.

And when Lee returns he’s a marked man.

His mistake is as fresh as yesterday. And he just can’t cope with it.

And speaking of coping…

Gretchen Mol, the It Girl of yesterday, plays an alcoholic mother. We’re brought up to believe looks are the golden ticket, that if you’re beautiful life works out. But that’s not true. Some people are incapable of doing the right thing, Gretchen Mol’s Elise is one of them.

And then there’s the son, Patrick, who is surrounded by friends and has two girlfriends. Illustrating not only that people are everything, it’s all about community, but that high school truly is the peak of many people’s lives. Those who are ultimately left behind.

And live long enough and you find out doing the right thing is just not enough. It takes two to make a marriage work. You might not want a divorce, but she does. But does love ever fade?

When Lee gets a phone call from his ex it’s everything he wants and nothing that he can handle. We lie awake at night dreaming of things going right but then when the opportunity presents itself we realize there’s no turning back.

I’m not recommending “Manchester By The Sea.” Most people don’t want to see depressing movies about losers.

But I do.

And some others do too.

Because we know under the skin we’re all the same. That we win and we lose and half the time we’ve got no clue what’s really going on, we just get up every day and do what we’re supposed to and hope that the good times come.

Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t.

And then you realize so much time has passed that doors have closed. Not only will you never play for the Yankees, but you won’t have children, you won’t be rich, you’ll be lucky if you’ve got enough money to get you through, and enough laughs to accompany you on your journey.

It’s just a matter of time before things go bad.

I remember stumbling through the nineties being coddled by couples in the Palisades.

Now every one of those couples is divorced.

I remember being the first in my group to get the Big C, and now friends of mine have died.

I remember telling my story over and over again to people who didn’t want to hear it to the point I no longer tell it, but the truth is…

I’ve still got those feelings inside, the chapters of my life are written in stone and they still don’t make sense.

But when I see “Manchester By The Sea” I feel that someone else gets it too, has been there, knows how I feel, and this allows me to move forward, however gingerly, with so many fits and starts.

I don’t know how art became about winning, about sunniness, about anything but the human condition. It used to soothe me, now it bounces off of me.

But there are some people working who are still trying to get it right, trying to illuminate life so we all can relate.

Kenneth Lonergan did this in “Manchester By The Sea.”

And if you’re someone who feels misunderstood, who is more internal than external, who wonders how you got here, how life didn’t work out as planned…

This is the film for you.