I thought it was a joke.

At this point the most famous rock writer was Jon Landau, before he saw God and went off to manage Bruce Springsteen. Lester Bangs was just another scribe, before his death and deification by Cameron Crowe, but his words in “Rolling Stone” were undeniable, he was testifying about a new Alice Cooper album called “Killer.”

Hmm… The guy who made two unlistenable albums with Frank Zappa, who was about threads and theatrics as opposed to music?

This was not long after the Masked Marauders. It’s hard to explain pranks to the younger generation. That’s something from the sixties, maybe started by Kesey’s Merry Pranksters themselves. The greatest goal was not to score bread, but to put one over on those so busy running the gauntlet of life that they’d left their sensibilities behind, they were not only unable to take a joke, they couldn’t see it.

The Masked Marauders was a hoax. A review of an album featuring every superstar of the day that was supposed to be released imminently but never was. Now it was two years later, and we were once bitten, twice shy, even though Ian Hunter had not yet written that song, never mind Great White covering it, and Bangs’s review was so over the top it couldn’t be true.

Or was it?

I decided to buy the album and find out.

Now at the time I was in college. In upstate Vermont. That’s another thing that’s difficult for the younger generation to comprehend, being out of touch. No only were there no mobile phones and no internet, but no television and no radio but the college station and no movies except for one theatre playing mainstream product downtown. We lived by our wits. Our ability to converse was paramount. And when I went to the metropolis I’d stock up on LPs, because it might be months before I could buy any again.

And this was over Christmas. I was a sophomore. I had my stereo on a table I’d built in seventh grade shop, with plastic tiles on top, and I placed the record on the Dual turntable and dropped the needle and…

Today everyone just bitches, says the odds are stacked against them. The problem is radio, or Spotify, or pirates, everybody but themselves. But you could not drop the needle on “Killer” without being immediately wowed.

The telephone is ringing
You got me on the run
I’m driving in my car now
Anticipating fun

The guitars are jerking back and forth, your head is in a pinball machine, and the lead singer is going on about having her under his wheels and you can’t stop cracking up at the metaphor, in car-crazy America, when everybody got their license at age 16, when music was serious, but this was not, yet it was.

And just when that finished, the music slowed down and an equally appealing number emanated from the speakers, “Be My Lover,” with the lyric:

She asked me why the singer’s name was Alice

Why was that? Were they trying to shock us, like Marilyn Manson decades later, or was it…

A joke?

No one has a sense of humor anymore. Come on, the vaunted techies? The bankers? And musicians are busy dissing each other. And the greatest sitcom is from someone of the same vintage, that’s right, Larry David and “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” but Alice Cooper is singing that dead babies could take care of themselves and instantly “Killer” was my favorite album.

Me and nobody else.

I went to college with nerds. Conservative people who thought life was all about following in the footsteps. Whereas I wanted to go off on my own path.

I put Cooper’s poster on my wall.

I went to see the band at Boston’s Music Hall.

And when my creative writing teacher told me my story on the show was good, unlike my previous crap, but it needed a twist, I gave up, didn’t write another thing for fourteen years. I asked him if he’d heard of Tom Wolfe, the New Journalism, which was already old at that point, there was no twist, THIS WAS THE ALICE COOPER SHOW!

Where the joke was on the audience. Where he threw money at his minions. Where he taunted and the band delivered and it was WONDERFUL!

We all need things to believe in, and I believed in music, it got me through. They didn’t print the top ten in the newspaper, it was a movement, outside of the mainstream, that infected us all.

Alice Cooper went on to write hits, the joke got even bigger. Then he was in the first issue of “People” playing golf and you couldn’t tell exactly who he was anymore.

But if you listen to Maron’s podcast you will.

Marc Maron’s shtick is he knows nothing. He interviews celebrities with no preparation. And this drives you crazy if you’re familiar with the act. It’d be like talking to Babe Ruth and asking him…so you play baseball? How does that work? Are you any good? Are you paid well? It’s excruciating.

But it didn’t bother Vince Furnier, aka Alice Cooper. Cooper gives it his all.

And tells you things you’ve never heard before.

About coming up in Phoenix. Miming a hit at pep rally, changing the chorus to fit the moment. Playing clubs. Starving in Los Angeles. Living in the basement of the Chambers Brothers’ house. Getting girlfriends to pay the rent.

Oh, that’s right, it’s politically incorrect. But this was almost FIFTY YEARS AGO! When music drove the culture and performers were gods.

Alice lives up to the image.

That was a game we used to play, which musician we’d like to have dinner with. Rock stars were inaccessible. If only you got the chance to hang.

Now everybody’s accessible.

But Cooper lived the life.

Hanging with John Lennon, who came to the office every day to hear the acetate of “Elected.”

Headlining over Led Zeppelin at the Whisky.

Headlining over Pink Floyd at the Cheetah.

Getting called by Groucho Marx at 2 AM to come over to watch movies, listening to Groucho riff on the actors.

This is what a rock star was. Not some money-grubbing asshole in an expensive suit who’s all about lifestyle. Hell, Cooper invested all his cash in his stage show for “Welcome To My Nightmare,” it had to work!

And then he studied records and realized all of the hits were written by Desmond Child so he called Child who ultimately concocted “Poison” which became Cooper’s biggest worldwide hit.

And yes, it was a band, but then Cooper went solo. And now, decades later, the band has gotten back together.

And sure, the tours today are a victory lap.

But if you were there back then…

I moved to Los Angeles. I drove to the Troubadour, because that’s where the magazines told me the action was.

Sitting in the corner of the bar were Alice Cooper and Keith Moon.

I told Coop, whose nickname was created by Frank Sinatra, I loved his new teeth. That I’d read about, maybe in “Creem,” which I bought a back issue of for his “Alcohol Cookbook,” that’s why I started drinking Golden Cadillacs.

And Coop smiled.

And Moon’s teeth were imperfect.

And I’ve been trying to get up close and personal ever since.

P.S. Through the magic of the internet, you can read Lester Bangs’s “Killer” review here:

Alice Cooper: Killer

P.S. If you’re not a fan of Maron’s, you can fast-forward to 13:45, when Cooper comes in

WTF – Alice Cooper

WTF with Marc Maron Podcast – Alice Cooper

IT’S RUBBISH!

Jack Douglas holds these dinners at Ago every month, it’s like a Mafia movie, there’s a private room and the maitre d’ picks appetizers and you choose your main and you b.s., like it was still the fifties, like you were a member of the Rat Pack.

I went last night.

Actually, I thought it was just gonna be the three of us, Jack, me and Geoff Emerick, but that was back before I found out this was a regular affair, I’d been invited previously, but was out of town, last night I was there.

Along with my frenemy Richard Lewis.

You see we had this altercation at McCabe’s, when we went to see Terry Reid. I was saving seats for us all, me, Jack and Richard and their wives, I got in early, knowing Lincoln, the majordomo at the joint. And then Richard took the seat I was sitting in when I stood up to find Jack in the crowd and therein ensued a moment. I’ll tell you when I see you, but it was straight out of “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” And Richard apologized in the green room after the show, he said at the time he didn’t realize who I was, but I was not looking forward to my next encounter, but I’m not gonna hold a grudge and when Jack e-mailed me yesterday to say Richard was coming too and he hoped that was okay, I said fine, all I could think of was BYGONES, from “Ally McBeal,” and when I arrived at the restaurant Richard bent over backwards to accept blame and make peace, which was cool with me. Then we talked music. You see Lewis knows all the rockers, he quizzed me on the band Robin Trower was in before Procol Harum, I had no idea, but that’s how deep Richard’s knowledge goes. Also, he told me not to be afraid to ask Geoff Beatles questions. Because you know, the first rule of famous people is not to acknowledge they’re famous, so that was good to know.

As for the others in attendance, there was movie producer extraordinaire David Permut as well as playwright/filmmaker Mick Davis and actor Steven Bauer, it was a motley crew, but all had a pedigree.

And then DeNiro’s buddy came in to give everybody a personal hello and I wondered if I could live up to this room. Richard started cracking jokes and everybody was doubled-over in laughter and I was afraid to say a single word. But then we all engaged in private conversation and…

The hit of the night was Steven Bauer. He entranced Jack and me with the story of his emigration from Cuba to Miami. TWICE! Yup, his father took the family to Florida and then went back to get a gig as a pilot and I’ll leave the rest for Bauer’s book, which he says he’s gonna write.

Although I did quiz him on his three marriages. I forgot he was married to Melanie Griffith. That was back when she was in “Night Moves” and looked completely different. Everybody in Hollywood has a path. And although we hear chapter and verse about the superstars, we’re in the dark on so many others. And Bauer did not assume I knew everything about him and after admitting I did not watch “Ray Donovan” he proceeded to break into character, to do Avi, the Israeli, and the funny thing is Steven has a Jewish grandparent and he got the role in “Scarface” because he spoke Spanish and we just about closed the restaurant but much earlier, I asked Geoff Emerick what he thought about the “Sgt. Pepper” remix…

He didn’t want to talk about it. He scowled. I could tell he had negative feelings, which are inexpressible, since the hoi polloi uttered hosannas, but this was the guy who recorded and mixed the original!

And after telling him that this was the way I felt, that it was sacrilegious to remix the album, Geoff lit up and uttered the words at the top of this post.

He said the stereo mix was not an afterthought. That it took four days, three days a song. After all, it was all on four track. They discussed it with the band and then were left to do the work, this was not uncommon. And the mono mix did not take much longer.

And then Geoff got specific. He asked me if I knew “A Day In The Life.” He said in the remaster the maracas were as loud as the vocal. He started going deeper. You could tell he was really offended. As he should be! As Geoff told me, they spent a lot of time getting it just right and then people who weren’t even born yet were changing it?

Then Geoff told me he got a call from Paul saying the master tapes for “Tug Of War” were lost and they were gonna remix it. And Geoff said on the original they had three consoles when they mixed, the complete opposite of the “Sgt. Pepper” experience, he said there was a backward echo at the end of…and how in the hell could it be reproduced?

Hell, it pisses me off every time I hear “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” on Sirius, they always use the alternative take from the boxed set, that’s the one they played today, and if you don’t think the original can get lost in the shuffle, you don’t know the history of rock and roll. It would be a crime if this dash for cash remix of “Sgt. Pepper” became the standard.

And Geoff told me he likes to use the equipment he originally worked on. API board, tape when he can, and he talked about this Neumann cutting head for vinyl…

You see Geoff is still working, and still cares.

As does Richard Lewis. He’s going on the road imminently for five gigs. I asked Richard if “Curb” made a difference. ABSOLUTELY! Everywhere he goes people notice him now, business went up, and…

What I love about Richard is it’s all improvised. He told me he goes out with nothing these days. If the audience is hot, so is he, just like when he started riffing when we all sat down last night.

And Steven Bauer just did a cameo on “Queen of the South” during his “Ray Donovan” break.

And Jack has a cornucopia of projects. He’s the connector, he’s the straw that stirs the drink.

And I was gulping it all up last night.

Hot Summer Nights – Spotify

Hot Summer Nights – YouTube

Same as it ever was.

In case you’re focused on Harvey, and we all should be, you might be unaware we’re experiencing a record-setting heat wave in Southern California, and unlike in the rest of the country, so many of us don’t have air conditioning, we look forward to driving in our automobiles, none of which come without A/C, except for high-end racing models, and we used to go to the movies or the mall, when those were still a thing, but instead I’ve spent the last two days in front of the fan, schvitzing.

Until I went to dinner last night at Ago.

But that’s another story.

And what astounded me as I was driving down the 10, onto La Cienega, was it got dark, this is the first time this summer this has happened. Even last weekend, when I drove downtown to see Tony Hawk and his film, it was still light out, but the seasons are changing, fall is imminent.

But not yet in SoCal.

In SoCal it’s blistering. And it’s different from the east coast. It’s not humid, it’s more akin to the desert. It’s a dry heat with a soft wind and it’s almost exotic, if it weren’t so damn hot. But late at night, around midnight, the temp drops a bit and it’s quiet, L.A.’s an early town, and this song started going through my head. And I immediately went inside and fired up my phone to hear Walter Egan’s “Hot Summer Nights.”

The hit was “Magnet and Steel,” but my favorite was always the closing cut, “Hot Summer Nights.”

There was a time not too far gone
When I was changed by just a song

Like driving down the avenue today and hearing classics on Sixties on 6. We were all addicted to the radio, we were all in it together, and the irony is that paradigm continued into the seventies, only it switched to the FM dial. Ignore the “Billboard” charts, they don’t reflect reality, the culture. An extended number one today is not like one from yesteryear, when the records moved faster and everybody knew them.

So in 1978, AOR ruled, disco was a sideshow, it wasn’t until a year later that both crashed, that the record business tanked. The Stones were playing stadiums and the biggest American bands were the Eagles and Fleetwood Mac.

And isn’t it funny that those are the two biggest bands of the seventies still. And you see Lindsey Buckingham produced Walter Egan’s album “Not Shy,” from which the two songs above emanate.

On the radio, in the car
The pounding electric guitars

I miss that era. When gatekeepers exposed us to what was worthy and we knew it. Now there are no gatekeepers and no ads but utter chaos. I love hearing great new music, but oftentimes when I do I wonder if I’m the only one listening. But back then, we all were.

Now today all the rappers work together and the old farts excoriate them, saying that’s not music. But it wasn’t much different way back when. Hell, Lindsey and Stevie performed the same trick for John Stewart the next year when “Gold” became Stewart’s only solo hit.

Now “Hot Summer Nights” is positively Egan. But it’s the subtle Fleetwood Mac overtones that put it over the top.

First and foremost, there’s the mood, it’s dark. Kinda like being at the lake skinny-dipping in the dark, something we used to do way back when, before there were cameras everywhere, when if you were nekkid only you and your friends knew. And the night has a different vibe. Your body turns off and your brain turns on and you feel strangely alive.

Return with me to when times were best
We were friends who could pass any test
We shared our hopes, our dreams and our goals
And the Fundamental Roll

That’s a reference. To Egan’s prior album, entitled “Fundamental Roll.” But the past is full of these moments, that only mean something to those who were there, you reflect back and smile, wonder if those times will ever come again, and your brain is turned on by the record.

As we sang in the hot, dark rooms
Happy just to play our tunes

Club music. Before deejays. When you had to get out of the house, when there was no action at home. You went to the bar to get loose, to get lucky, and there was always music in the background, sometimes records, oftentimes a band, and you envied them, because they were doing what they loved and making money at it.

It felt good when we did it right
It felt good on a hot summer night

Listen for Stevie Nicks’s backup vocals.

But you’re enraptured by Lindsey Buckingham’s guitar-playing right away. Hell, I looked for my vinyl, I can’t find it, but it’s somewhere, so I’m not absolutely sure without credits that Lindsey is playing the intro, but it’s his style, and then there are the accents that could only be him, it’s a Fleetwood Mac track today’s generation has never heard.

And then comes the solo.

“Hot Summer Nights” is infectious.

And so it lives and it always will
The songs we’ve sung are in us still
Ringing out with all their might
In the heart of a hot summer night

So it’s forty years later. But I’ve never forgotten the song. And when I fired it up on my phone I felt this warmth spread through my body, reminding me of the power of music, what it means to me, a whole era started to spool through my brain, what I was doing, who I was with…

On a hot summer night.

1. DRAKE

Not only does he dominate upon release, he’s constantly stretching the form. His late winter mixtape was a revelation. Forget the Meek Mill beef, that’s just a sideshow, where there’s a hit there’s a writ, and when you’re on top others try to take you down. But Drake keeps lifting others up! He’s the quintessential artist of today, leading, testing limits, but still part of a scene, helping others. Furthermore, Drake knows it’s not about the album, but a steady stream of material, to satiate the audience. Monetization comes last. There’s enough money if people are listening, via streaming, sponsorship and live gigs.

2. KENDRICK LAMAR

Because he’s got hearts and minds. It’s music first, business second. People believe in Kendrick, and he’s not batting us over the head to pay attention, he’s just doing the work. You read about him plenty, but it doesn’t look like hype, you don’t get the idea he’s behind the promotion.

3. JUSTIN BIEBER

That’s what’s great about life, it surprises you. Bieber should have been done, like every other teenybopper act before him, but now he’s bigger than ever. It’s Bieber who takes artistic chances, and no one in the marketplace this often hits home runs so frequently. One smash after another. Bieber made the hit “Despacito” ubiquitous. In an era where that’s nearly impossible. People will remember “Despacito” long after “Look What You Made Me Do” is gone. “Despacito” will be played at weddings and bar mitzvahs… And before that was the collaboration with DJ Snake, “Let Me Love You,” and before that “Cold Water” with Major Lazer and before that his hits “What Do You Mean?,” “Sorry” and “Love Yourself.” You only think you hate Bieber, but listen to these songs and if they don’t appeal to you, you’re just a contrarian with no friends, believe me, the little girls are right on this, they understand.

4. ADELE

She makes records, and live is an afterthought, so the 150 gigs she did were a mistake, the manager and agent should be shot, just because the most money is on the road that does not mean you should gig ad infinitum. Furthermore, her third album was nowhere near as good as the second. She’s wiped out from touring but she should be back in the studio. She’s got enough money, she should stop thinking about cash. Rather she should put out ONE song right now, a top caliber item that will gain press and attendant streams. She’s been too rearguard, she now needs to be up-to-date, like other twentysomethings. It would be great to see her atop the Spotify Top 50, the only chart that means anything today. Just one song. About anything. But if it was about the world situation, she’d have a victory lap heretofore unseen, eclipsing that of Michael Jackson, because she lets the music do the talking, and when she does talk, it’s not phony I love everybody crap, but patently real.

5. TAYLOR SWIFT

It’s all about her. She’s positively Trumpian. Blowing back with falsehood when attacked. Hell, the ticket boosting scam is about neutralizing scalpers? Come on. She’s too old to do “Aw, shucks” and I don’t see any of those purported “friends” coming out of the woodwork to defend her now. She’s got an audience. But Taylor doesn’t stop telling us how successful she is. Her UPS stunt is almost as offensive as U2’s deal with Apple. But that’s hit artists, they think they’re singing about real life but they’re completely disconnected.

6. ED SHEERAN

They turn on you. Too much success and the public revolts. But Sheeran knows it’s about melody and creates singable songs in an era of beats. He paid his dues and collaborates/gives away songs to others, your hatred is misplaced.

7. CHANCE THE RAPPER

Because he illustrated you don’t have to do it their way. For the entire century labels and artists have been bitching about the internet and cash. But Chance makes no deal, gives his music away for free, and then sells out stadiums. Never forget, infrastructure is secondary to the customer. Think about the customer first and then you’ll be all right.

8. MAX MARTIN

Oh, he’s an artist, and the consumer knows his name, despite Max doing almost no press. His work speaks for itself. Max is first and foremost a musician. Second, he changes with the times, he cannot only do one thing. And he knows a song is worthless unless it’s a hit. That’s right, a track has to grab you immediately and stay in your head, you cannot help but play it again, like eating potato chips. Too many people confuse themselves by denying the rules of hits, they satisfy themselves and a few acolytes and then bitch that they’re not bigger. Now, with radio so limited and behind the times, anything will work on streaming services, nothing is holding you back if you make irresistible music. You should beg your fans to subscribe. So if you do something great, the listens will accumulate.

9. KENNY CHESNEY

There are nearly as many happening country artists as rappers. It’s positively astounding. But Chesney sustains, sells out stadiums and has hits. But never forget Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, Thomas Rhett and Florida Georgia Line. You may think they’re irrelevant, but they can sell tickets up the wazoo. Zac Brown Band too! Right now there are no female artists at this level, which has something to do with radio exclusion (radio still counts in country) and women unsure whether to play the boys’ game or their own. You can rock hard, like Miranda Lambert did a few years back with “Gunpowder & Lead,” or you can be sensitive, but in between is death, chart-wise anyway. Then again, Miranda’s pretty big and so is Carrie Underwood, even though Ms. Underwood is a two-dimensional voice. In country, whether you wrote the music or not, we want to believe you did.

10. CALVIN HARRIS

Because he transcended his relationship with Taylor, because he came back with more hits, unlike Avicii, who stumbled. Electronic music is not quite at the peak it was a few years ago, but to deny its influence is to be wrongheaded. DJs have morphed into producers. And if you don’t think computers are the future of music, you haven’t checked Gibson’s sales.

BUBBLING UNDER

Pharrell

You’re supposed to be done quick in pop, but Pharrell sustains. He seems to have a handle on what is a hit. Sure, it’s a youth business, but by pop standards Pharrell is OLD! You can never count him out.

Sia

Built her career in the internet era, without the benefit of video play on MTV or VH1. Her secret sauce is the ability to write songs, never count anybody out who can. She does minimal publicity, but the audience knows who she is, this is a triumph.

Phish

Because of impact. No, the Vermont band is nowhere near as big as anybody on this list, but their audience is more rabid than any other act’s. You’d think Madison Square Garden held two million people, based on the buzz their Baker’s Dozen shows created. They’re a niche. Which is not gonna get much bigger. But the band has impact, since it keeps changing it up and taking risks when everybody else seems to pray at the altar of the producer, overthinking their work as if world peace was involved.

Coldplay

They should have been done. Who’da thunk Chris Martin would have outlasted Gwyneth Paltrow? Can nice guys finish first? Got to give Martin credit, he makes it all about the music.

Metallica

Metal isn’t as big as it was, but to those who live for the sound, James, et al, are their Beatles. They put out a double album themselves, which did quite well on Spotify, they sold out stadiums, Metallica may be off YOUR radar, but not the target audience’s.

John Mayer

How can he sell so many tickets without a hit? To tell you the truth, I don’t know. He blew up his career, but then went to work with the Dead and stopped boasting and somehow it all works, I guess we do need a guitar hero.

Eric Church

Between projects, but no one embodies the rock and roll ethos in country more than Church, and he seems to be able to write one hit after another and can sell a ton of tickets to boot.

A Ton Of Rappers

There are too many to mention. And it’s unclear who will last. Is Khaled just for today? And maybe it was a mistake to leave Jay Z off the above list, but he messed up by going Tidal only and his songs don’t dominate the chart but hip-hop does, so Jay Z won, as did his compatriots. You see they know they’ve got to reinvent the wheel each day, can’t rest on their laurels, and music is a team sport where you need support and collaboration can pay dividends and you must embrace new technology to succeed not only today, but in the future. You can make music on your laptop and distribute it yourself. And in between there are a ton of choices, but it’s undeniable that music is an on demand item which is portable. If you don’t think streaming won, you haven’t seen the usage and the paychecks.