I’m categorically against self-checkout.

I mean I’m already doing all the work. But it’s even worse, the machines are so theft-avoidant that you’ve got to follow a specific routine, not only scanning the item, but placing it on a platform to register its weight, grocery shopping is frustrating enough already.

And every time I’m forced into using self-checkout there’s a snafu, and I have to wait for a clerk to come along to reset the machine and…

It’s my own personal protest. And as a matter of fact, many retail stores are eliminating self-checkout because of the shrinkage problem.

Which means I have to wait in line and…

I need to plan to go to Costco. It’s an adventure, not a ramble around the block. I’ve got to find a parking space, navigate the people and their carts and hope what I want is in stock and wait to check out, but…

I needed more Vitarain Zero. There’s nothing worse than running out of a staple. Like Chobani coffee yogurt.

I’ve got a formula, encompassing Chobani and a skyr not to be named, it’s hard enough to find as it is. As a matter of fact, I bought in excess of twenty when I went to Gelson’s last Saturday. But they had no Chobani, never mind blueberries. Is there another blueberry shortage? There was one a couple of years back.

So instead of driving home I went to Ralphs.

But I’ve got to ask you, how long can refrigerated items sit in your car, especially during the summer? I was contemplating this, but then I remembered Ralphs’s parking is in a covered garage, so I drove further away from home and they were overloaded with Chobani coffee, I ended up buying sixteen. And they had blueberries too!

But I won’t buy VitaminWater Zero there, it’s too much of a rip-off. Funny how I’ll spend so much money on a restaurant meal and then haggle over a few dollars, but I hate being ripped-off, it’s an insult. I’ll pay full price for what I want, but don’t f*ck me in the ass.

So I calculated my Vitarain Zero stock and my coming obligations and realized today was the day, I had to go to Costco.

Now I thought of getting gas there. Aren’t the prices dropping? But the cars were stacked six or seven deep, it wasn’t worth the wait.

But I went into the store and…

I told myself only to buy that which I needed, to not dilly-dally, but I had to look at the TVs.

They’re selling an 83″ Samsung OLED for $3999. EIGHTY THREE INCHES! And you wonder why people don’t want to go to the movie theatre.

And I found my Vitarain Zero and couldn’t resist the chopped fruit, it’s summer after all, and then, lo and behold, they had Grillo’s pickles! So I bought a bucket of them.

And then it was off to the poke. They make this sriracha ahi… And it’s very hot. In reality, I should not be eating it, I pay the price afterward, but it’s so damn good! It’s rare that you can find store bought stuff with enough heat.

And they had a salmon mango ceviche too…

And a spicy tuna ahi salad…

But how much fresh fish could I buy?

I contemplated this question and then decided on just the sriracha ahi and the salmon mango ceviche and then…

After sampling a few things that did not float my boat, I had to strategize my exit.

Like I said, I refuse to use self-checkout. If for no other reason than the other people tend to get flummoxed and not be so fast.

So…

I’ve analyzed the checkout at this store. And my plan is to go to the lane closest to the entrance. You see most people tour the store in a U, and end up on the opposite side. But I’ve had good luck going back crosstown in the store and using the far left lane.

And I’m racing a guy with liquor. Did you know you don’t need to be a member to buy liquor in a California Costco?

And when I get to the registers, each one has four people ahead of me.

Oh well…

I decide I’m going to time my exit. It’s 12:27. How long is it going to take me?

Turns out Costco has in-store wifi, so I fire that up and am just starting to peruse Instagram Reels when a woman comes up to me with a handheld scanner. What’s up? I’m way back in line.

She asks me for my membership card.

I guess they’re rooting out fraud.

But then she starts scanning all the items in my cart. What exactly is going on? Why is she doing this?

And then she walks away, to do the same in the next line over.

So I leave my basket and go over to her and ask what is going on.

She said just to show my Costco card at checkout.

Huh?

Yup, she already scanned all my items, they were in the system, and when the clerk scanned my membership card the bill would come right up and I could pay, no extra scanning necessary.

Now I was confused when the clerk scanned my card and then started checking out the items in my cart. So I asked him why he was doing this. He was counting the merchandise, to make sure there was no stealing involved.

And then I scanned my ATM card, got ahold of my cart and checked my phone.

It was 12:29!!!! I’d been checked out in two minutes!

And now I’m starting to smile, feeling so good. Like I’ll come back more often on smaller runs.

But what I really felt good about was Costco. They were doing every little thing to enhance the consumer experience.

At Ralphs, it was like the clerk was stoned. Going through the motions, seemingly wanting to be anywhere but there.

It was like she was encased in molasses while she was bagging my stuff. There was no separate bagger, that would cost too much!

But at Costco? They know me and want to keep me as a customer. They just don’t see it as a store, but a religion. I believe in Costco like I used to believe in bands, because they’re not doing it the same way as everybody else, they’re not resting on their laurels, they’re constantly innovating.

And when I get to my car…

Those flats of Vitarain Zero are heavy, so I want to get as close to my machine as possible.

However, not too close. I remember my 2002 getting a scratch in the door from an errant grocery cart, it always bugged me.

And the cart looked steady, but just when I was done loading my car, I saw it resting against the rear bumper.

Oh no… The bumper is plastic, but still…

So I leaned in close to investigate.

Turns out the Costco carts have rubber bumpers, for this express reason, so they don’t damage your automobile!

Now maybe they have these bumpers at other grocery stores, but I’ve never encountered them.

So this is where we are today. We’re enamored of brands more than people. Because they understand the relationship is everything.

Apple… You pay a fortune, but it looks good and it just works. And you have recourse if it doesn’t, you can call or go to an Apple store.

Of course there are Android fanatics, but I read in today’s “Wall Street Journal” that the iPhone has more than 60% market share in the U.S., and it’s the most expensive handset, except for a few rivals. And Apple has four of the five best selling smartphones worldwide, and over sixty percent of the profits.

We’ve got a relationship with Apple. You may not, but many do. And when we see that dreaded green bubble, we wonder why that user didn’t get the memo.

Costco doesn’t complain.

That’s what today’s entertainers are doing constantly, complaining. About not making enough money, getting ripped-off, getting dissed. But Costco is above it all, just preaching to the choir, its choir, which is not everybody, but a hell of a lot of people.

Costco is thinking about ME!

As for Apple and its prices… No one is forcing you to buy an iPhone, and none of them are cheap. Where else do we see this? With concert tickets! But in that sphere the acts won’t own the value of a ticket to their show, there’s endless finger-pointing, someone is at fault. But the bottom line is people are lining up to pay, they’re dying to go to the show and they’re willing to pay for it!

But all we’ve got is ill will.

Ain’t that America, someone is at fault, someone is holding you back, ripping you off.

But not at Costco.