Joyfull Parmesan Crisps

I’m sick of the food I’m eating. We get it all via Instacart, no grocery stores for me! And even though we buy most of our food from Gelson’s, after eighteen months at home I’m burned out on essentially everything they sell. I’ve eaten so many Siggi’s yogurt/skyr that I just can’t eat them right now. But even worse is the pre-made stuff. Can’t eat the mini-quiche anymore. Can’t eat the parmesan turkey meatballs. Can’t eat almost any of the chickens. I was thrilled by so many of these items back in 2020, now they turn my stomach. There are some alternatives at Bristol Farms, but not that many. And did I tell you certain items are completely unavailable?

Caffeine Free Diet Coke. There was a short window when you could get it, in both cans and plastic bottles, and then just plastic bottles, and now not at all. Siggi’s coffee? Completely unavailable, EVERYWHERE! Even Chobani Coffee and Cream. We can get it sometimes at Ralphs… Hell, even Costco is out of Vitamin Water Zero, and their own house brand equivalent, Vita Rain!

I know these shortages pale in comparison to those in the automotive world, where the lack of chips has customers paying sticker, if not more, for the few new cars that are available. And then there are all those bottlenecks at the ports… For decades we imitated the Japanese, with their just-in-time delivery/production methods. Automakers made little, they outsourced everything, and the manufacturer of the part had to store it until the day it was needed at the plant. But throw a spanner into the works and suddenly the whole system breaks down. We were worried about the communist domino effect in Vietnam? It turns out manmade war is nothing compared to Covid-19, wreaking havoc everywhere. There’s a shortage of one product which leads to the shortage of another and then there are not enough truckers to deliver it. It’s amazing America, never mind the world, works at all!

And then you add in the misinformation.

Mention anything about vaccines and the antivaxxer wankers come out in full force, quoting misinformation. Well, I’ve got some information for them!

“Vaccination advised even for survivors – Past infection may offer only short-term immunity, health experts say”:

That’s the headline in the newspaper, online it’s “Why do unvaccinated COVID survivors also need a vaccine?” But it all doesn’t matter. The antivaxxers are unreachable. For some reason they know better than the scientists. And I hear from them, as if by sending me information from unheard of sites, that an easy Google will reveal as being biased and laden with false information, I’ll be convinced to think otherwise.

But that’s the world we live in, where facts don’t matter and if you’re intelligent and educated you’re a pariah.

So what’s a poor boy to do? Certainly not play in a rock and roll band. That’s so sixties. How many young kids do you know playing in a rock and roll band? I don’t know any. Everybody’s in their house doing it on their own, spamming us to pay attention when we’re inundated with information and their work is subpar.

So, it’s the little things in life that satisfy, like Joyfull Bakery parmesan crisps.

We didn’t eat a lot of cheese growing up. I constantly hear that Americans love cheese, but we never got the memo. Oh, for parties my mother would serve Boursin… Remember that stuff? Soft and crumbly? At first you could only get it with a black pepper exterior, but now I see they’ve got brand extensions, but I haven’t seen Boursin served anywhere in years:

And then if you read the food pages, unfortunately more interesting than the music pages, because there’s a search for excellence, an embracing of the cutting edge that deserves attention, that people will like if they just eat the food product, there are the artisanal cheeses, made by individuals in the hinterlands, many of them goat milk cheeses.

But unless you make it a full time job, how do you get up to speed on cheese?

I mean I love going to parties where there’s a cornucopia of choices, but at home… I guess I need a sampler that comes with instructions, there’s a business for you, but it won’t generate billions so I guess no one will get into it.

Not that I never ate cheese. Of course we had pizza!

Funny how pizza has become the default food of choice. In the sixties it started out as the hot dog, then it became about the hamburger, and now it’s pizza. Who orders out for hamburgers? No one! But pizza! Pizza and tacos, even the white nationalists eat ’em! Yes, they’re both native to America, thank god they weren’t brought here by those pesky immigrants. Bagels too, by the Jews to boot! Who did I just read was refusing to release their new book in Israel… Imagine if any other nationality occupied that territory, there wouldn’t be this outcry. The Jews are not perfect, but they’re fighting for their country’s raw existence against terrorists. But let’s take the side of the terrorists. They lob bombs and then their people are killed in return. This is a no-win situation, which is why the Israelis are no longer worried about public opinion. And if you follow closely, you know they also no longer need foreign money to protect themselves. Then again, you can’t depend on the United States, where DEMOCRATS are refusing to fund the Iron Dome defense system.

But everybody loves the Italians, except when they’re making fun of them privately.

That’s the John Gruden story. The NFL runs on Black people and you’re making racist slurs? Gays can be married but you’re expressing homophobia regularly?

But it gets even worse:

“Hundreds of Police Officers Have Died From Covid. Vaccines remain a Hard Sell. Far more law enforcement officers in the U.S. have died from Covid-19 than from any other work-related cause in 2020 and 2021. Even so, police unions are fighting vaccine mandates”:

Even worse is the Riverside sheriff who was a member of the Oath Keepers:

And Gabe Kapler, manager of the San Francisco Giants, is Jewish and when he played for the Red Sox he was the only Democrat on the team, the twenty four others were Republicans.

In other words, toxic masculinity knows no bounds. And if you think the police are going to defend you in the coming civil war, you’re sorely mistaken, they’re on THEIR SIDE! And their side is just like Hamas… They don’t only want to win, they want to eradicate the Democrats, they see them as a threat to humanity. They’ve got all those guns, check in with the rhetoric.

But food is apolitical.

Then again, what passes for food in the red states may not be what is eaten in the northern states. Southern cooking is amazing, but not always heart healthy. As for Michelin stars, fine dining, that’s anathema to the rabble-rousers who want to bring back “the real America.” Or as John Gruden would probably say, “that’s for pussies.”

Then again, we keep hearing there is no problem. There’s no racism, opportunity is equal and if anything, the whites are getting the short end of the stick. Meanwhile, comedian Al Franken must be banned from the Senate yet sex criminal Matt Gaetz holds his seat unfettered. Depressed yet? I certainly am.

So every once in a while Felice makes these parmesan crisps. But they’re relatively small. Excellent, but she doesn’t make them too often. Oh, did I tell you we don’t cook? TAKES TOO MUCH TIME! That’s what I don’t have enough of. Even during the pandemic, I couldn’t get everything done. I don’t have time to waste, it’s running out.

And then, just the other week, Felice got these parmesan crisps from Gelson’s… Oh, she also got dates too. Have you had a date shake out in the desert? You’ve got to go to Shields: The movie? Utterly laughable. It’s like the print hasn’t been updated since the fifties. But the date shakes? How do they almost taste like chocolate, how can they be so thick?

So I tasted one of the Joyfull parmesan crisps and…

I had to have another. They’re like potato chips, but a hell of a lot more healthy. And I can scoop up tuna fish with them and I’ve discovered a whole new food that’s getting me through. And we just got a delivery from Gelson’s and Felice ordered TWO CONTAINERS! And even though I’d eaten yogurt, I could not hold back, I ate half of a crisp, it was broken anyway. But then I got up and ate the other half. And then twenty minutes later another half and then shortly thereafter the rest.

Now are you going to be able to buy Joyfull parmesan crisps across the country? NO! May you find an equivalent? Maybe, who knows. But this is the America we yearn to return. We want the eradication of homogenization. Sure, a McDonald’s burger tastes the same all over the world, but is that really the burger you want to eat? No, you’re looking for something that tickles the taste buds, that isn’t just food but a peak experience, like Joyfull parmesan crisps.

And I’m sure I’ll burn out on them soon. And then what, I don’t know. It used to be people were constantly shuffling through L.A., dinners were rampant. Now most people with real power, who are all in the aged Covid demo, are afraid. Yes, the touring business is run by oldsters. And now, even the major labels are run by oldsters! A youth business controlled by cynical old people, chew on that one! Not that those in the touring business are so cynical, but they are bottom line oriented. That’s where the rubber meets the road. Sure, you want to play, BUT CAN YOU SELL ANY TICKETS! You create your own opportunities in modern day America, and that’s what the Joyfull bakery has done, and having just finished my second parmesan crisp…I’M JOYFUL!

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