You don’t want to look cheap.

It’s one thing if it’s a straight transaction for a physical object, no service being involved other than ringing up the cash register. But if I’m at a restaurant, I’m not gonna use a coupon.

First and foremost, when do you whip it out?

You’re afraid if you wait until the last minute you’re gonna get a finger-wagging and a no. After all, the restaurant doesn’t want to give you a deal, they’re probably losing money on you, hoping that you’ll come back.

But I’m never gonna come back. In an era where food is sexier than music and restaurants are plentiful, why would I go to a substandard place? Why wouldn’t I spend a bit more, or a little less at a hole in the wall featured on Triple-D, to get something truly great…there’s nothing worse than a mediocre meal.

And it’s always mediocre if they’re offering a coupon. Because otherwise, there’d be a line outside the door. Go to some of those Triple-D places, you can’t get near them.

So you’ve got someone running a failing business who figures if they just cut the price you’ll be interested. This is like lame musical artists believing if they undercut superstars on CD prices, people will flock to them. Some things aren’t about the money. We want quality. And I especially want quality when the cash outlay is low, like with toilet paper and chocolate chip cookies, why not get the best?

And if it’s expensive, I want the best. Kind of like concert tickets. Speak with a promoter, the tickets up front go first, that’s what the rabid fans want. Coupon-users would think that it’s the cheap seats that go first, but they’re usually the last to go. Hell, Live Nation wants to drive the price of these distant ducats down even further, because no one wants to sit there. As for Goldstar… If the show were that hot there wouldn’t be any extra seats to sell at a discount. I’d gladly sit in the way back for a Zeppelin reunion, and people are thrilled just to be in the building with Gaga, but you expect me to lay down my hard-earned cash to see a mediocre act? I don’t even want to go, I don’t want to waste my time.

But I guess the same people using Goldstar are the same ones using Groupon at restaurants. They’re all about the deal, they’re losing out on life. If you’re counting pennies, you’re missing out on the big money. Kind of like music. If you want to charge people per track and sell fifty instead of letting thousands hear it for free and build a business, you’re shortsighted. Then again, no one wants what sucks.

So back to the eating establishment. Since they’re losing money, they’ve got to do their best to claw some of it back. They make you eat an entree instead of ordering something cheaper. They’re upselling you food at a discount that you don’t even want. It’s like desiring a pizza and being forced to order the steak to get the deal.

And then there’s the alcohol… It’s not like they’re throwing in Dom Perignon. If you don’t know the difference, you probably think Deadmau5 sounds like Madonna.

Meanwhile, it’s not like it’s self-serve. Your waitress/waiter sizes you up as soon as you proffer the coupon. These are people who are going to screw me. They’re going to tip on the amount of the bill, not on the amount it would be before the discount. And sure, you might be smart enough not to do this, but you’ve got legions of people before you ruining your reputation. Furthermore, I’ve never seen a heavy tipper use a coupon.

And what kind of message does this send to your friends and prospective significant others? I’m so tight, so worried about my coins that I’ve got to go to a restaurant I wouldn’t go to otherwise and eat food I don’t want that’s mediocre just to feel like I’ve beaten the system?

Rich people and bankers are beating the system. They’re just throwing you coupons so you won’t realize they’re writing off their multi-thousand dollar meals with rare wines at places with unlisted phone numbers that you can’t get into while you’re self-satisfiedly eating crap.

Sure, everybody likes a deal. But if it’s at the expense of my reputation, if it causes me to consume what I want no part of, I’m out.