If Howard Stern were not behind a pay wall, if he was a judge on "American Idol", if he could be easily and readily heard, he’d be the most influential man in America.

Huh?  Fartman?  The guy who spanks girls’ bottoms and gets them to show their titties?

I never listened to Howard when he was on terrestrial.  I didn’t get up that early.  Oh, I was familiar with his act.  They’d broadcast his show starting at 3 AM, if I couldn’t sleep, I tuned in.  I lied.  I occasionally listened.  But I wasn’t hooked.  I was not a fan.

Sure, he could be good.  But he was a tireless self-promoter.

That’s one good thing about being on SiriusXM.  Howard finally believes he’s arrived, he’s got nothing to prove, he’s just doing his act, the one no one else in America is willing to do…speak the truth.

I’d love to tell you I’m addicted to the music stations on the satellite.  But except for some old XM stalwarts like Deep Tracks, they too often piss me off.  They’re riddled with promotional cliches, and endless repeats.  But Howard?  I just can’t get enough.

Now that he’s on XM too, so I don’t have the dreaded dropouts of Sirius, I gravitate to him.  Well, I’m only driving on the freeway for twenty minutes, let’s see what Howard has to say.

And then I can’t turn him off.

Two nights ago, I sat in my parked car long past midnight, by the glow of the radio dial, listening to Howard talk about his parents.

How they go to the yogurt shop every day.  Drink lukewarm coffee and complain about it.  How Howard’s dad brings his own blueberries (from Chile!) in "a Tupperware" to put on the yogurt.  And he’s doing the voices.  That’s what thirty five years of radio will do for you, hone your chops.  To the point you’re so good, we can identify.

We’ve all got parents.  And Howard is not always so charitable towards his.  But today he told the backstory.  How they were Depression babies.  His father had to wear two left shoes, his mother wore the same pair of underwear every day.  And how hearing these stories ad infinitum makes Howard feel guilty, that he’s just not entitled to have anything.

Whew.

And there are the constant put-downs of Ellen DeGeneres.  Talking about how she’s nice on screen, but a bitch when the cameras aren’t rolling.  Hell, he even made that comment about the fat chick actress’ future career.

Huh?  Who are you talking about?

Gabourey Sidibe.  You already forgot?

Oprah’s on the Oscars waxing rhapsodic, about the girl’s bright future, we’re at home on the couch saying HUH?  An inexperienced obese black woman is going to be a big star?

Tell that to Heidi Pratt, who’s already a star, but felt so inadequate she got umpteen plastic surgeries in a day.

Hollywood doesn’t tolerate imperfection.  It pays lip service to everyman and parades beautiful twits to get you to watch, so you can fantasize about having sex with them.  Oh, don’t be aghast, admit it, if you don’t want to fuck someone on TV, you don’t turn on the set. You just don’t want your cover blown.

But that’s what Howard Stern does.  That’s why we’re drawn to him.

His only problem is he’s speaking to a tiny audience.  Distribution is killing Howard Stern.  Sure, he’s being well-paid.  But his impact is a fraction of what it once was, when he wasn’t even as good.  But no one with distribution will step up and make a deal.  They’re afraid of the Christian Right, the FCC, those people with a big voice but a tiny constituency.  If you’re dignified, wearing Armani and flying private, do you really want to associate yourself with Howard Stern?

Absolutely.  Because he’s you.  He’s me.

In a nation where elected officials are duplicitous and bankers are crooks and the poor people are hoodwinked, think they’ve actually got a chance, aren’t we ready for someone who’s honest, who’s willing to not only expose our underbelly, but the truth of the big issues?

Of course we are.

If Howard re-ups with SiriusXM it’ll be a crime.  Like the Beatles being on Vee-Jay.  Oh, that happened, and nothing happened, they needed to be on Capitol to make it.  Howard’s already made it, but to ascend to the throne he needs to be everywhere.  The more places he is, the more places people will demand him.

He’s the biggest star in America.  You just don’t know it yet.