1. Britney’s toast.

I don’t care if YOU think the songs sucks, or she can no longer dance, or is too fat, point is EVERYBODY ELSE FEELS THIS WAY!

We live in a land of perception. Belief is Britney’s lost her way. This was just reinforced by the train-wreck performance Sunday night. No one’s going to run to her rescue except for those with a financial interest. She’s gonna be DIXIE-CHICKED!

Radio won’t play her music, TV will want nothing to do with her, unless she comes on and demonstrates bad behavior or makes fun of herself. And she’s not about to do the former, and probably not the latter either.

It was an ill-advised attempt at a comeback. Someone should have said no. It’s not about having product in the marketplace during the fourth quarter, it’s about saving the life of someone who grew up too fast and saw too much too soon. To prevent her from O.D.’ing or robbing 7-11s. But the machine doesn’t give a shit. Nobody from her manager to her label to MTV itself. They just want to get paid. If Britney falters, who gives a shit. Let’s try to wring some cash out of her while we can.

As for a real comeback… HUH? She didn’t write the tunes, she doesn’t sing well… She’s got very little talent! Only the talented can come back. Everybody else is just being given a shot by an endless corporate machine looking for bucks.

Furthermore, didn’t we learn appearances like this were supposed to be a SURPRISE?

2. MTV no longer knows the show it’s doing.

Highlight of the VMAs was the appearance of Miss South Carolina. Forget the Web features, forget the suite appearances, she was the only HIP feature in the whole damn show. This was a wink at the audience, illustrating just this once that MTV was on the same page they were. THESE are the moments we remember from VMAs past, THIS is why we tune in. To see Pee Wee Herman open the show. To see RuPaul battle Milton Berle.

Oh, don’t trumpet the ratings increase to me. We were watching for the train-wreck. We weren’t laughing WITH MTV, but AT IT! It’s like MTV itself is some TMZ-featured dimwit, who isn’t aware that most people hate them, and are only interested in their antics.

Where else could you get people only in it for the money too out of it to know that they look like jerks? One watched the VMAs and THANKED GOD THEY WERE NOT ONE OF THE STARS!

3. Clive Davis only has so much power.

Because if he really ruled, he wouldn’t have let Alicia Keys wear that OUTFIT!

We’ve all seen the pictures of the hair on her chest online. But, that’s now been eclipsed by the knowledge that she’s got thunder thighs and a big butt! Didn’t she ever read a women’s magazine? Learn how to flatter her assets and hide her detriments?

I bet you no one in her camp had the balls to tell her she looked bad. That’s the entertainment business for you. Land of dictators and sycophants. Sometimes, with the roles played by the same PEOPLE!

As for Ms. Keys herself. ENOUGH WITH THE HYPE! She’s not without talent, but she’s no Minnie Riperton and no Laura Nyro. And she ain’t that young anymore. Oh, it was interesting when she was barely an adult, but we don’t give a shit about Kenny Wayne Shepherd now that HE’S grown up.

But even though Clive couldn’t tell her what to wear, he got her the best presentation on the show. That’s what Clive does best, presentation.

4. Chris Brown

I don’t get it. You imitate Michael Jackson and you’re a hero?

Who gives a shit that you can dance. And last time I checked, you couldn’t HEAR dancing!

5. Dr. Dre

Are you running for Governor? Then why the fuck are you so PUMPED UP?

That was part of your appeal Dre, that you were a regular guy, not a ready for prime time cartoon.

6. Hype

If you take away NOTHING else from the VMAs, remember this. DO NOT DO ENDORSEMENTS! You have to make it on your music. Tie in with the man and you lose your believability. If you need a commercial to make it, then you’re just not that good. Certainly not that credible. The endless whoring out demonstrated on this show illustrated why the business is in the shitter. No one believes in MTV or VH1 or "Spider-Man". But they can believe in the words and music that come from one’s heart. But they’ve got to be honest, they’ve got to be undiluted, they’ve got to be UNCOMPROMISED!

Anybody telling you the opposite is taking a cut of the deal.

The label wants to sell records. The agent wants his 10%. The manager is sick of starving. But when you’re done, all your credibility drained, they’ll just find a new sucker to milk.

We need all new people in the business. Beholden to art as opposed to their BMW leases. Ones who will sacrifice dinner for music, JUST LIKE THE FANS!

7. TV Kills Acts

Did you watch the pre-game? Every act that talked to Sway (and what was he keeping under that hat anyway, a sandwich?) looked as ordinary as you and me. But, with too tight jeans and tattoos and piercings that will haunt them their whole lives. Which they won’t spend playing music, since they’re flavor of the moment at best. Not even George Clooney can appear on TV and save his charisma. What are the odds you, who barely speak coherently anyway, CAN?

A good manager knows it’s about illusion. Even if you’ve GOT talent. Be SCARCE, not AVAILABLE! Let people create an image of you in their mind. All those porno babes you jerk off to online? You wouldn’t want to fuck them if you actually heard their uneducated trashy voices. Same deal with musicians. They should sing, that is it. Preferably in recordings and live in concert.

8. Lip-Synching

When did this become acceptable? You know it’s not music because nobody sings and plays. And those that do..? Did you hear ANY music from the suites that entranced you? It was like being at a corner bar, hearing wannabes.

9. Kanye

He might have had a good time bouncing around the suite in his white-rimmed glasses, but to those of us at home, it looked like a bad house party. Where was the real act? The one that knew how to sing, that would knock our socks off? It reminded me of nothing so much as that old rap hit about jumping around.

10. Fall Out Boy

The guy in the hat? Isn’t he the chubby kid who lives next door?

If this is a rock star, no wonder we’re in trouble.

As for Pete Wentz… Get rid of the haircut and remove the tattoos and he’s that weird kid in fifth grade that no one wants anything to do with.

This is a royal scam.

11. Foo Fighters

Second-rate rock by a likable guy. If this is your idea of a hit act, you’ve got no idea what a hit act is. A hit act makes original music that you couldn’t even think of that you want to hear over and over again. Smiling Dave just paints by numbers.

12. Paris Hilton

Jumped the shark.

13. Justin Timberlake

I’ll credit Rob Sheffield for this one. He demonstrated how OLD he is by challenging MTV to play more videos. Isn’t that like asking Microsoft to revert to DOS? Or all major league pitchers to go the distance? Times have CHANGED dork, and now you’ve demonstrated you’ve lost touch, you’re officially old. Certainly older than the MTV target demo.

14. Heidi and Lauren

Bigger stars than the "musicians". At least people WATCH their show.

And despite MTV protesting it’s refocusing on music, this was not in evidence in the coming attractions. Just endless reality shows. Now having to do with beauty pageants and prom. What next? Summer camp dating? Spin the bottle? Why don’t they just make it "Fast Times" all the time. Just put cameras in high schools and let them ROLL!

15. Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner

You had to hype your movie. Oh, good for you. You’re the studio’s lackeys. Beholden to fat cats who know nothing about art. How about a VMAs with NO hype? Wasn’t the turning point when Macy Gray painted her dress with her album drop date? After that, not only did Macy’s album and career tank, but so did the VMAs.

16. Stars are vapid.

If the number one thing you wanted to look forward to was Britney, then there isn’t much to look forward to.

17. Tommy Lee

Why do you get to go ANYWAY?

18. Pamela Anderson

If she gets to appear, can’t Aerosmith? Can’t some real band, even if old, hit the boards and show everybody what real music is, blowing people away?

19. Sarah Silverman

Shock isn’t everything. You’ve also got to be funny.
She went on so long you’d think she was the host.
For a minute there, I thought this was a Comedy Central roast.

20. Timbaland

Stay behind the board.

21. Mark Ronson

Might have raised your profile, but not your cred. Yup, you too looked like a dork.

22. Nicole whatshername

If this is what Jimmy’s into, he’s relevant no more.

23. John Norris

You can no longer be on the program unless there’s an act older than you.

And no matter how you comb it, no matter what color you dye it, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU’RE GOING BALD! OWN IT DUDE!

24. The guy with the English accent.

Was he a ringer? Or is he a "veejay"?

If so, the fact that no one knows who he is proves the point, THAT NO ONE WATCHES MTV!

25. The post-game.

Couldn’t they have said it sucked? Showed a little rock and roll attitude? Fawning is for network. MTV is supposed to be edgy and honest, right?

But you can’t break the rules. You’re in bed with your boss, and he’s in bed with the Fortune 500. Truth has got NO PLACE!

Not even in the music you’re airing.

It’s like watching an alternative universe. Completely different from the music world on the Web, or in the live venues. Where people actually play their instruments, after practicing for YEARS!

I’ll admit culture has changed. That young kids want to go to the club and bump bodies, with the hope of getting laid. But this has about as much to do with music as music has to do with MySpace. The music is just the grease. A lubricant for sex.

Real music is something that hits your mind as well as your body. And the VMAs were so mindless as to make one believe that missing the show in the future will be no great loss.

The VMAs used to be our Oscars. Sure, we didn’t care who won the awards, but WE were in attendance. On this show WE ruled.

If this is WE, I want no part. And most other people don’t either.

The VMAs are just another wreck on the side of the freeway, that we slow down to look at as we drive to our ultimate destination, somewhere else!

Anybody trumpeting the success of this show, anyone who doesn’t see that it was a disaster signaling the end of the franchise, needs to listen to a little more Bob Dylan. Who so famously said "There’s something happening here, but you don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?"

Mr. Jones was a "Time" reporter.

For a moment there, in the nineties, hipdom and the mainstream merged. But that ended in the twenty first century. When the Net took hold and the powers-that-be, mainstream media, held on ever tighter to the old paradigm, which is about selling shit. "Good" didn’t come into the equation, DEAL was all that mattered.

And there are some young performers who want to suck at this tit. But they’re now the minority, a veritable sideshow. The musicians who count have abandoned the old game, don’t give a shit about MTV or the major labels, never mind corporate radio. They’re forging ahead by themselves. Riding an idea in pursuit of excellence. Oh, many of these new acts on the Web suck. But the good ones…they want no part of the machine. And these new ones are going to rule.