Would you like to hit that? Tap that ass?

Not me.

But it might be fascinating to watch a girl who’ll do ANYTHING for fame cavort on television, as I laugh along.

That’s what’s wrong with MTV. We’re laughing AT IT! Remember the days of wanting to be Martha Quinn’s boyfriend? Wanting to win John Mellencamp’s house? Now it’s all about getting into the Palms to watch the girls take off their tops. And last time I checked, that’s got NOTHING to do with rock and roll. Unless some hot English guitarist who can barely speak does it in the confines of his hotel room and you hear about it from a buddy who says he knows someone who knows someone as opposed to reading about it on TMZ or seeing it on the Internet.

Maybe someone at MTV should listen to Joni Mitchell’s old song "Woodstock" and realize they’ve got to get back to the garden. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN as opposed to the one surrounding the pool at the Palms. Want everybody to watch? Want to regain MTV’s credibility? BOOK LED ZEPPELIN!

Yup, dig into the coffers. Hell, get your advertisers to pony up for the privilege of not only placing spots in the show, but sitting up front. All in one, you’ve got an event, you cut across all demos, and you REGAIN YOUR CREDIBILITY!

Yes, once upon a time, MTV was the most credible channel on television. There was even a sense of danger. It was our outlet. It took up the reins when AOR punted. But now GOOGLE has more credibility than MTV. And that’s a SEARCH ENGINE!

MTV got so in bed with advertisers that it forgot its success depended on fans. It’s great that you can charge a lot for spots, but if there are umpteen an hour, and if what’s in between them is WORSE than the commercials, you’ve got a problem.

Fuck Christine Norman. You want to fix MTV? HIRE RICK RUBIN!

Want to save music Rick? Don’t go to work for a label, don’t scour the planet for unsigned acts you can slowly build into stars. Make the whole music world your sandbox. Yup, big, bearded Rick gets on MTV and smashes Britney CDs (she’s a joke, don’t you KNOW?) And then Justin’s too.

For one week, there will only be videos of bands that WRITE THEIR OWN MATERIAL!

A NO-DANCING WEEK!

It’s not about stars as much as ATTITUDE! There’s no attitude on MTV anymore, certainly not the one at the heart of rock and roll greatness. You’ve got to start with the ‘tude, and then find acts that fit the bill. People will tune in just to be members of the club, to partake in the authenticity, to BELONG!

Want to know the biggest problem facing music today? THE LACK OF A FILTER!

MTV decided what was good. It didn’t have to fit an existing format. It MADE Duran Duran. As well as Fat Boy Slim. It needs to be a filter AGAIN!

Where’s the innovative thinking? Where’s the understanding of the marketplace? Who’s got his finger on the PULSE!

Tom Freston wouldn’t have stood for this. A great hands-off manager, Tom had INSTINCTS! He understood the big picture. MTV has veered so far off course, it may NEVER be able to regain ANY of its greatness.

But it’s on all those cable systems. It’s in all those households.

Fuck dating shows on TV. Why doesn’t MTV.com have dating? Never mind Match.com, but a free, advertiser-supported site like Plentyoffish? And a dash of Craigslist. You want to hook up with friends at a show? Go to MTV.com.

MTV.com isn’t an extension of the cable channel…it’s a WHOLE NEW THING!

But they fried that brand.

Maybe try again with iMTV.com. Get in a lawsuit with Apple. Hell, get in bed with Apple as opposed to Real. Wasn’t MTV always about aligning itself with winners as opposed to wannabes?

Not only is there no danger, there’s no risk.

Las Vegas is a mind-set unto itself. Music has glommed on to it, not vice versa. Used to be music was the most powerful medium in the world. Until MTV and its subservient labels whored it out.

Place the VMAs in the unpopulated desert. Make it more akin to Burning Man than a Spice Girls show. Do something different. Do something cool as opposed to lowest common denominator. Now is not the time for train-wreck, but SUBSTANCE!

MTV Greenlights Tila Tequila Dating Show, Debuts Oct. 9
(And be sure to read the comments at the bottom of the page…)