“Roll the Calls: A Memoir”: https://bit.ly/4dl125e

I read this whole damn book and I still don’t know who Ari Emanuel is.

What we’ve got here is a package deal, as in Ari agented his own book. In other words, he hired J.R. Moehringer to write it. Moehringer is famous for writing the legendary Andre Agassi autobiography, wherein Andre revealed his inner truth, busting myths of the sport of tennis, never mind his personal identity, it is still considered the paragon of the form. Before that Moehringer wrote the autobiographical “Tender Bar,” one of the best books of 2005. So Ari obviously thought if he got the best writer, he’d end up with the best book, but nothing could be further from the truth.

You start reading the book and there are just brief notes, mere paragraphs, before a break and another set of paragraphs. You think this is just the intro, but IT’S THE WHOLE DAMN BOOK! There’s never a consistent narrative. I’ve got to believe Moehringer got overwhelmed by Ari, and this was the best he could do. Because if Ari gave up control, the result wouldn’t be this book.

What we’ve got here is a timeline, a veritable syllabus, of Ari Emanuel’s career. First I did this and then I did that. And it’s not long before the reader decides he wants no part of Ari’s world, hustlers fighting for power and money… And then they die, and they’re forgotten. There’s a scene with Warren Littlefield, one of the most-liked men in television, whose name I haven’t heard in years, I truly thought he was dead until I just Googled him… If you want to be remembered, don’t be an agent, don’t be a BUSINESSMAN!

Used to be people read these books for an inside view of Hollywood. Because Hollywood was the dream factory, running the world. That’s far from the case today, for decades the focus has been on tech. Movies don’t change the world, TV can…and that’s where Ari starts out and…

He keeps telling us he’s dyslexic, he’s got a chip on his shoulder. But this comes up over and over again. WE GET IT ARI! But we don’t completely buy it, because whatever is going on you ended up very successful, it couldn’t have held you back that much.

And we’ve got people like Michael Ovitz. If you weren’t around during his heyday, you’ve got no idea who he is. Kind of like Johnny Carson… A king in his era, barely a footnote in the future.

And Michael Eisner… All these men, and they are almost all men, making deals, screwing each other, doesn’t make you envious at all, makes them look like losers who don’t know themselves.

Because if Ari let Moehringer write the real story of his life… Ari keeps talking about going to his shrink, but it doesn’t seem to have worked, because Ari doesn’t grow, he doesn’t gain insight into his abrasive personality, and all you really have to know is Ari makes his shrink break up with his girlfriend. That’s an inherent weakness, a character flaw, never mind a shrink who doesn’t know where the boundaries are.

So Ari goes on and on about his rage. Gives example after example and… What are we to take from this? That oftentimes he gets his way? This entire book is about settling a score, getting more than even, elbowing the people who were in his way and justifying his ultimate success. After all, he bought the UFC and WWE!

Ain’t that the height of respectable entertainment. What next, cage fights? Oh, that’s right, the UFC IS cage fights! Ari says that some people pooh-pooh the UFC, but since it makes money, how can you criticize it?

And then he buys IMG, squeezes out Patrick Whitesell by comparing report cards, what Ari did and Patrick did not, and then he wants us to acknowledge that he’s worthy.

Meanwhile, he calls people ad infinitum to get his way. Okay, that evidences perseverance. But the ultimate woman he marries tells him again and again he’s too old for her, but he browbeats her into caving. You see Ari needs someone who he can control, not an equal. Arm candy to impress his friends.

So he’s running all over town and then the world making deals. WHOO-HOO! You’re rich and have famous friends, but to a great degree you missed your life, you were so busy doing that you were not in touch with your emotions and what it all means.

So, Ari can’t really be the guy in this book. Because this guy is completely unlikable. And no one could be successful and be this unlikable. He must have some redeeming characteristics, but they’re not in this book. Otherwise, none of the talent would sign with him. You’ve got to connect, be empathetic, and I’m sure Ari has that talent, but it’s nowhere in evidence.

And Ari lives in a scorched earth world, believing if he gets all high and mighty, rages enough, not only will he get his way, but people will be afraid of him, to his advantage.

God, there are very few negative reviews of this book, because people are sucking at the tit of whatever they’re calling it this week, Endeavor, WME… It’s like Trump in miniature, you don’t mess with the king.

You’ve got to be worried that Ari will write you out of his life, that you’ll be dead to him. That would probably be a badge of honor, you’ve got to stand up to bull-headed people like this, show them you won’t take any of their crap. But Ari keeps telling us everybody is inferior to him. He’s working around the clock, he’s reading even though he can’t, everybody else is a loser… It’s just a matter of when Ari is going to turn on you, because it’s Ari’s way or the highway, he doesn’t want to hear anything conflicting, you’re either with him or against him. Ari has a hair trigger, god, it’s like he’s never heard the words “can we all get along”?

So he gets married in the south of France. I’m supposed to be impressed? He absconds from medical treatment to make deals. He will never shut the phone off. This is “What Makes Sammy Run” on steroids, and at the end of it all, Ari is still not fulfilled, he’s still unhappy. He’s constantly trying to make everybody else happy, that’s his number one question, whether you’re happy, but he seems to have no understanding of personal happiness whatsoever.

Ari wants us to be impressed, he’s a big swinging dick! But you’ll squirm and laugh at him.

What will you learn?

Maybe if you didn’t live through the agency wars and know none of this you’ll learn a bit of history. But in reality, this book could be about the changing landscape of entertainment, the future, but all Ari does is say he knows, pisses on those who do not, and moves on.

And as you read you realize there are always people bigger than Ari. so he’s the majordomo of this entertainment complex… But ultimately, he’s beholden to the billionaires, some bankers, some just plainly rich. Seems like Ari had more freedom when he was just a mere talent agent.

As for lessons… Don’t read this book for those, even though you can divine a few. That would be a useful book, but that is not this book.

Or a self-examination, a coming clean, a tale of misperceptions and inner life. But that’s not this book either.

We’ve just got one business deal after another. Sure, Ari is sometimes in pain, but it always comes down to the same damn thing, HE’S WORKING TOO HARD! If he wants sympathy, I don’t know who would give it to him.

So “Roll the Calls” is a megalomaniacal victory lap. It is not unreadable, but at times you want to stop, because it’s only “I did this and then I did that,” over and over and over again.

I don’t care how much money you’ve got Ari, how many famous friends, reading this book I can only come to one conclusion…

YOUR’E A LOSER!