Rhinofy-And The Cradle Will Rock…
It’s my favorite Van Halen song.
Once upon a time, I had a free subscription to AOL when you had to pay by the hour. As a result, I checked out every nook and cranny of the service, from the chat rooms to the dating boards. And after lurking for a while, I decided to play, and e-mailed a woman for a date.
She never responded.
But two months later, finding myself on Love@AOL once again, I saw her picture and decided to take a second chance. This time she responded, this time she said yes, she said she’d held off at first because I had the same name as her ex. Huh?
Anyway, after talking on the phone I agreed to drive out to the 805 area code for a date at a sushi bar in Thousand Oaks. This was long before Internet geographical undesirability, this was back when we were still intrigued by our newfangled online connectedness and believed, just maybe, our heart’s desire was out there and now we could find them.
Now I’m not saying I’m a slow mover, but from the moment this woman entered the restaurant, not looking as good as her picture, it was clear this wasn’t an informal get-together, but that we were ALREADY TOGETHER!
She’d decided I was the one. She was talking about our relationship to the other patrons. She was touching me. Sounds horrifying and gratifying all at the same time, I know.
And I was trying to play along, but I was slowly becoming speechless. I mean we all want sex, but we’re all reluctant to enter the bizzaro world.
And when we were done, we drove in my car to Music Plus, so I could advise her on records to buy. Shopping together is always intimate.
And when we were done, we got back into my automobile and I put on “And The Cradle Will Rock…”
Maybe subconsciously I was testing her.
You’ve got to know, I believe in world class car stereo systems. With a zillion speakers and powerful amplifiers. Not the kind you hear from the mini-truck next door to you at a light, but a variation on what you experience at the high end audio shop, back when they used to have those.
I fired up the Alpine head unit. It spoke to the CD changer in the trunk. The ADS amps came to life and the plethora of ADS speakers started emanating this spectacular sound.
Come on, you know the record…
It begins with a glorious noise that sounds like Eddie Van Halen is landing a jet on an aircraft carrier, and then Alex starts to pound, Michael Anthony holds down the bottom, and David Lee Roth implores us to GET UP!
You can just picture it, you’ve been there. Cocooned in your automobile as you’re enveloped in this wondrous noise.
Well, they say it’s kinda frightnin’
How this younger generation swings
Yes it is. This woman was horrified. It’s like an invisible force field immediately surrounded her as she put her hands over her ears and exclaimed…TAKE ME TO MY CAR!
And when some local kid gets down
They try and drum him outta town
I immediately turned it down. But it was already too late. She was no longer speaking to me. I drove across the vast parking lot to her automobile, whereupon I tried to rescue the evening, suggesting we go to her house for some follow-up.
But she wanted nothing to do with me, we were done.
And that, my friends, is the power of rock and roll.
