IF YOU SEND A HOLIDAY E-CARD

Nothing says you’re cheap and out of date more than sending a holiday e-card, especially if there’s no personalization involved. If it’s just to me, and there’s more than a signature, then you get a pass. Otherwise, you look like someone tech retarded who doesn’t realize fads come and go and you’ve just dated yourself back to 1999 or are a scammer trying to be all chummy with those you’re not really friendly with. I mean if I don’t know you, should I really be on your Christmas card list? And if so, do I get a gift?

I thought not.

That would cost money, as opposed to sending an e-card designed by your child or assistant that makes you look like you care when you really don’t.

Not everything is replaced by tech. Some things are better in the real world. If you really care, send a physical card. And personalization always counts.

As for those long stories about what happened to your family this year… You can only send them if we actually know everybody involved, otherwise, these updates are best left unsent. If you want to be creative and give out some holiday wisdom, that’s welcome. Then again, that would require an effort, and too many sending e-cards don’t want to make one.

IF YOU SEND AN E-MAIL SAYING YOU LOVE MY BLOG

And you’re not even on my list.

That’s one thing bad about the Internet. Spam makes it so you think you can reach bigwigs, but you really can’t, because they’ve all got super secret private e-mail addresses that only true friends and business colleagues possess. So you can send an e-mail to the black hole generic e-mail address, or try to find out the real address. But be sure, no one wants to hear from someone they don’t know, unless to find out they’ve won the lottery or a prize, but scammers have made it so no one believes those e-mails either.

Did you see that article in the “New York Times” saying music blogs were passe? Seems the wannabes didn’t read that, they were too busy sending boatloads of missives to people they think care, who don’t. Oftentimes with detailed graphics and MP3s attached. This is no different than all that crap you get every day in your real mailbox. And did you notice the Post Office is fiscally challenged? That’s what happens when you rely on spam for your business model. Then again, everyone in America (and the rest of the world!) thinks if you’ve got an inbox, they might as well fill it. Figuring they could get lucky. Yeah, as if I showed up at Staples Center and Mike D’Antoni told me to suit up.

YOU SEND SOMETHING “FASCINATING” YOU’VE FOUND TO PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW

Why is it everybody thinks they’re a curator. Especially those who’ve got no idea what bcc means. You earn trust. And it’s easy to dissipate. Send too much stuff people don’t want and they never want to hear from you again. I know, they sign off my mailing list daily!

IF YOU THINK I WANT TO CONNECT ON LINKEDIN

I set my Postini filter to get rid of all these invites. But what fascinates me is the people who believe I’d want to hook up on the business networking service. I might recognize your name, but I’ve never met you. If you’re inviting me to be your LinkedIn friend, you’ve lost any chance of becoming mine.

And while we’re on LinkedIn, the longer the listing, the more bogus it is. If you don’t think we can see through your faux resume…

Everybody looks above average on LinkedIn. Yes, I realize people get gigs as a result of the service, but I still think one thing never changes, it’s who you know…in real life, in person. That’s how you get a job. Because people only want to hire those they trust. More than your skills they want to know if you can get along, if you’re gonna quit or steal or alienate customers. Most people can be trained to do the gig, but if their parents failed to instill them with manners…they’re going to have a very hard time in this world.

IF YOU SEND A FACEBOOK INVITE

Actually, everybody who send one of those Facebook invites is a spammer. Actually, Facebook itself is built on spam. Giving you more information than you need to know to live your life. If you spend even an hour a day on Facebook, your career ain’t going so well.

IF YOU SEND A PRESS RELEASE

Who and what is this mysterious press you think is salivating for this information, eager to distribute it around the world to individuals whose lives will be changed when they receive it. Your work is your press release. Its virality will depend on its quality.

IF YOU SAY TO CHECK OUT YOUR VIDEO ON TWITTER

That’s right, spam seeps into all new platforms. That’s what I want to do, check out the work of someone I don’t know just because they knocked on my digital door.

CONCLUSION

If you want to succeed you should not be a spammer. It doesn’t matter how creative your stunt is, what your pitch may be, all that matters is the underlying product.

We pull in today’s world. And we hate push.

Show me someone who loves commercials and I’ll show you someone who works for a TV network.

Access has become essentially impossible in the digital world. You might send it out there, but no one is listening or checking it out. That’s why kids rely on text, they can control their network.

Furthermore, when you tell these people to stop cluttering your inbox they’re offended! Believing they’re helping you out, clueing you in, making your life better by hipping you to their production.

Ain’t that a laugh.