LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT

Why?  What’s the backstory here?  We need context.

LEA MICHELE AND THE PACKER

Just creepy.

Like this Lady Antebellum performance.  Teddy Pendergrass is rolling over in his grave.  That’s what I think of when I think soul music, middle class white country singers.

What’s the meaning of the term "American Honey" again?

Meanwhile, everybody tells me "Need You Now" is about a booty call.  I thought it was just about lost love, I guess I’m a hopeless romantic.  And ignorant.

MILEY AND THE KINGS

Are they gonna do drugs together?

GWYNETH PALTROW

The movie stiffed, can we stop seeing her on music awards shows?

CEE-LO

Outfit of the night, he’s channeling Elton.

Love the Muppets!

Meanwhile, Gwyneth’s not terrible, but isn’t this really Christina’s role?  This calls for belting, and didn’t she just get a divorce?

Give Cee-Lo credit, he’s having fun, and that’s what it’s supposed to be all about.  People will remember this performance more than who won, and I already know Cee-Lo did not.

Old man can make fun of himself, Justin Bieber’s got to take himself seriously.  Bieber should have sung with the Muppets. Has Kermit ever won a lifetime achievement award?

KATY PERRY

HD is not her friend.

Pop.  Here today, gone tomorrow, dependent upon hits.

Is this the new single?  Otherwise why would she lead with such a lame ballad?  Don’t tell me I should know, I’m not paying attention.

Is that real footage from her wedding?  That’s a cheap shot.  Is nothing sacred?  Is everything grist for the mill?  Meanwhile, she’s singing like Madonna, from somewhere down in her chest.

Okay, now she’s doing the hit.  The track is overwhelming her.  And I think she needs a new hairstylist.

I wish she weren’t trying so hard.  Trying to cover up a certain lack of talent, a feeling of inadequacy.

No "California Gurls".  That’s what I love about the Grammys, it’s not about the music, but commercialism.  Ever hear of giving the people what they want?

MAYER, JONES, URBAN

A new Crosby, Stills & Nash?

The vocals are overwhelming the guitars, and this music is rooted in that acoustic sound.

Did Dolly Parton die?  Then why are they singing "Jolene"?  Is she gonna come out and surprise us?

I’d love to hear these three cover a seventies country rock classic.  Maybe a whole album, cut in two days.

SONG OF THE YEAR

If Arcade Fire can win Album Of The Year, couldn’t Ray LaMontagne win this category?

Is Lady Antebellum really the only act to thank God so far?

Meanwhile, they thanked Gary Borman.  He deserves an award, because he’s done this more than once.  He built not only Lady Antebellum, but Keith Urban and Faith Hill and…  That’s the mark of a great manager, someone who can do it more than once.  Which means if you’re a developing act, you’re better off with Gary Borman than Paul McGuinness.

SETH ROGEN

Didn’t he lose all his credibility with "The Green Hornet"?  What, does he have a new show on CBS?

ADAM LEVINE

Does the stiff of Maroon 5’s new album prove for good that James Diener has not invented a new paradigm, that nothing has changed and it still comes down to hit songs?

EMINEM

I know this is working live, you’re feeling the energy, it’s a Marshallthon, but at home it’s just not working.

Meanwhile, next year can NARAS simulcast the Grammys on HBO, or at least the hip-hop performances, so we can hear the swear words, so half of the songs are not cut out?

GLENN FREY

"Boycott the Grammys until they change the name to the ouncies."

ESPERANZA SPALDING

This is what eviscerates the credibility of NARAS.  Is it a mainstream clusterfuck or an insider circle jerk?

NEIL PORTNOW

Please explain again how you make more money than almost everybody on stage?

Why don’t they play HIM off?

DAVID GEFFEN

You’ve got to stop with the plastic surgery dude.

Just because you’re a billionaire, that doesn’t mean you get a good result.

IN MEMORIAM

Why do the jazzbos come first?

MICK JAGGER

Wow, I can’t believe it, he’s GOOD!

Good song selection, let this be a lesson to so many others.

But I can’t stop thinking about his small dick.

This is the music that was embedded on 45s that we lost our virginity to at house parties.  We were infected by the music, needed to get closer to it, made us feel positively alive.  Too much modern music pushes us away.

Wow, he’s working the dynamics like it’s 1969.

He’s killing it, he hasn’t been this good in decades.  Put tickets on sale for the 50th anniversary tour tomorrow!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

I understand the casting, but he can barely get it out.
But he did write those classic songs that are still paying his bills decades later.  As for today’s new artists?

BARBRA STREISAND

Wait a second, it’s 1965 all over again!  Want to know what the Grammys were like prior to Mike Greene’s modernization, watch this.

RIHANNA AND DRAKE

It’s TRIBAL COUNCIL!

Isn’t this taking cross-promotion a bit too far?  Or are they both on the next season of "Survivor"?

RECORD OF THE YEAR

I got e-mail about this hours ago.  It was a hit song.  But a minor composition.  Evidence how vapid the scene is.  Or how lame NARAS is.

ARCADE FIRE

A great surprise…  IF IT WAS A SURPRISE!

CBS refuses to live in the Internet age.

Meanwhile, is there anybody in America who would refuse to sell out like these Canadians, who would refuse the major label money and go their own way?

Yes, more people will now know their music, but the vaunted Grammy bounce evaporated with the change of centuries and the democratization of music distribution by Napster and ultimately iTunes.

Arcade Fire is a beacon, that you can do it your own way and survive.

As for winning…  If you think that matters you’re still living in the nineties.

Okay, we’re done, on to March Madness!