What did Ann Coulter say, you don’t attack down, you attack up?

When I got the e-mail from the reporter asking me if Taylor Swift’s new record was really about me, my temperature didn’t even rise.  Because I don’t think I’m that big a guy.  Howard Stern read my post on his radio show yesterday and claimed that he’d never even heard of me.  And if the King Of All Media doesn’t know who I am, how big can I be?

That’s the weird thing about fame.  You don’t know you’re famous.  At least I don’t think I’m famous.  Maybe Joe Walsh put it better, "Everybody’s so different, I haven’t changed".

So I’m not gonna go to iTunes and buy the damn track, which Google tells me is available today.  And I go to YouTube and all I get is this publicity clip with a short snippet of the song. And then I Google harder and find the complete track and the lyrics.

And lo and behold, I’m wondering if that’s me in a Taylor Swift song.

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You, knock me off my feet again, got me feeling like a nothing
You, with your words like nails on a chalk board, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, picking on the weaker man
Well you can take me down with just one single blow but you don’t know what you don’t know

Doesn’t sound like me.  Sounds like the famous guy all the online pundits are speculating about, John Mayer or…

But it could be me, I do work with words…

Then again, the chorus references some high school hick bully.  And I’m old enough to be Taylor Swift’s father:

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city and all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me and all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

Then:

You, with your switching sides and your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You, pointing out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them

Boyfriends don’t switch sides.  And Taylor writes about boyfriends, not the high school maelstrom at large.  And I did go on praising Taylor Swift despite being inundated with e-mail from insiders that she couldn’t sing and then ultimately realized they were right and said so, but…

And you can read the rest of the lyrics.  And there are some that are clearly not me and some that could be and songs are always written in code with obscuring phrases to protect the guilty and…

Then again, didn’t I ultimately lead the charge about her vocal flaws after her Grammy appearance?:

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing but all you are is mean

And:

But nobody’s listening, washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

The number one way people describe my writings is "ranting".  So…
So…  Where does this leave us?

Well "Mean" isn’t quite "You’re So Vain" and I’m not quite Warren Beatty, not by a long shot. Then again, people thought the song was about Mick Jagger, when everybody on the inside knew that was wrong, hell, he even sang on it.  And only insiders would know who I am.

So here I am giving Taylor Swift the publicity she desires.  She won.

But she still can’t sing and isn’t it time to start acting like an adult?  To cast off the high school persona and fly as a woman instead of darting around like a little girl?  That’s what’s got everybody’s eyes rolling, her aw shucks/ohmygod! look when she strides onto the stage to earsplitting applause.

Taylor got to live out her adolescent fantasy.  Can she now be a woman singing about womanly issues?

I mean Joni Mitchell ultimately sang about the human condition, contemplating suicide in "Song For Sharon", is Taylor Swift gonna grow or keep on fighting these petty wars?

I get e-mail every day telling me I’m an asshole.  As a matter of fact, the same guy e-mails me every day to tell me I’m a shithead.  Let me see, he’s e-mailed me 295 times so far.  It goes with the territory.  Stick out your neck and people will bite it.  And just like Obama doesn’t waste time fighting the petty ignoramuses, I’m surprised that Taylor Swift would stoop to this level.

We don’t like to see celebrities bitch. They’re tearing Jennifer Aniston a new asshole every day online.  Does she complain?  No, she puts on a smile and ignores the carping.

Or let me put it differently.  Kenny Wayne Shepherd was cool when he was a teenager, same deal with Jonny Lang, but you ultimately grow up and either succeed as an adult, on adult terms, or you’re forgotten.

Taylor Swift captured the teen zeitgeist better than anyone in this century.  And the hooks in her songs made them catchy.  Her material was sincere and honest.

But she still can’t sing.

And if this song is really about me, I wish it were better.

The song:

Taylor Swift’s “Mean” Track & Lyrics are Released

The lyrics:

Mean Lyrics