A5
I came to Felice’s to play "Guitar Hero: Aerosmith". Solters dropped it by the other night, and I’m just DYING to fire it up and play. It’ll be great to perform songs that I know by heart… I wanna see if the motion capture did Tyler justice. But I made a mistake, I left my house too late.
I thought the gas crisis was lowering the number of cars on the road, reducing traffic, but I was wrong. Usually, you can’t venture onto the freeway after 3. I made that mistake today. Now I know why I rarely leave the house during business hours. And this road manager taught me a trick. Rather than getting on the 10 and merging with the 405, go on Pico until just before Sepulveda and get on the 10 there, you avoid the flying overpass. Today, figuring it was the summer, I didn’t heed his advice, I ultimately found myself on the flying overpass, gridlocked.
I read my BlackBerry. Hey, my excuse is we weren’t moving. But, I was stunned to see so many people talking on their cell phones, as if they hadn’t gotten the memo. Shit, they changed the law weeks ago, California’s gone HANDS FREE! Hell, let’s go cell phone free for a week and see if traffic starts to move…
But sitting gridlocked, listening to Stevie Winwood doing his cover of "Voodoo Chile" on Deep Tracks, I got to peruse the latest in automotive fashion. That new Accord? They didn’t quite get it right. But what truly stunned me was the middle-aged housewife driving the BMW X5 with the 4.8 engine. Her husband must be concerned about the size of his dick. We’re in the middle of a gas crisis, this is not his main car, but he’s putting his significant other in a V8 that gets 14 miles to the gallon, when he could have just as easily settled for a 3.0 V6, which would help save the planet, albeit not that much more. Furthermore, is it worth it to spend EIGHT GRAND more just for a bigger displacement? I’m telling you, in the future, you’re going to be attacked for your mileage offenses, for driving something that contributes to global warming. Because by driving such a machine, you’re saying I’M RICH, AND I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! But the public does, which is why so many people live in gated communities now, they’re afraid the hoi polloi is gonna attack them. I’m waiting for the revolution, it’s been far too long, as even the "Wall Street Journal", the right wing paper of record, said in regard to the financial crisis, WHERE’S THE OUTRAGE??
So, I’m crawling on the 405, and I see the prettiest ass ever. Not of a woman, but of an Audi. I can tell it’s an Audi by the four rings.
My mother had an Audi once, a five cylinder. What a piece of shit. Constructed with chewing gum. The engine needed to be rebuilt two years in and the whole thing eventually crapped out and had to be sold for pennies on the dollar. Then, Audis started killing people, and it looked like the brand was toast in America, another Fiat, Renault or Alfa Romeo.
But it wasn’t.
Furthermore, the cars weren’t killing people, it was unintended acceleration, stepping on the gas instead of the brake. But, how to get the word out? In a country where people believe Iraq was behind 9/11?
By building better cars and pricing them effectively.
The breakthrough came back in the last century, with the new A6, with the voluptuous body. More leather than a BMW and almost ten grand less. Ooh, the red lighting.
Then came the TT, and the S variants and then…the R8. Actually, I’ve only seen one. Ironically, also on the way to Felice’s, at the intersection with Mulholland. Have you seen the lights? They’re like LEDs. VERY cool. And the car is cheaper and more manageable than a Ferrari.
But the cool sedan of choice, of hipsters, has been the Mercedes coupes. The CL’s, the ones with the tiny windows, that look like chopped fifties vehicles, the kind that used to cruise Van Nuys Boulevard. But they don’t hold a candle to the A5.
The A5 is a dick. In the same way the XKE was. Soft, but not limp. Sensuous, but still muscular. It’s what you don’t expect, but have got to have.
Believe me, there were oodles of cars on the freeway. But I just couldn’t get enough of this A5, to the point where the driver started eyeing ME!
It’s an Audi, but the creases on the side reference its older sibling, the Bentley.
The A5 is the cream on top. The cementing of Audi’s comeback. They got the styling right, when BMW got it oh so wrong.
This is an amazing story. How Audi came back.
If Audi came back can the major labels?
No, because they’re not focusing on better products, IRRESISTIBLE products, but their margins and suing their customers. As Steve Jobs said during the last recession, Apple planned to INNOVATE itself out of the crisis. That when the chips were down, you’ve got to DOUBLE DOWN! The music industry could learn a lesson here.
P.S. The A5 I saw had a 3.2 V6. It’s 4 wheel drive and gets 18 MPG in the city. There is a 4.2 V8 variant, the S5, getting that same 14 MPG as the BMW 4.8, but that’s overkill.
