We decided to keep the PS3. Turns out that the Wii, although not hell, like the old Pat Benatar song, is for children. We wanted Hi-Def. I guess I’m just the kind of guy who has to have the best. And that begs the question, what do you purchase, "Guitar Hero" or "Rock Band"?

"Guitar Hero" was the progenitor. But "Rock Band" was made by the team that created "Guitar Hero". You go with the talent, not the brand, right?

Well, who knows?

I checked them out at Best Buy in the Valley. I saw the giant "Rock Band" boxes… Did they work with all three platforms? The clerk said yes…then I wondered, did they come with a disc for each console…or was there a box for each gaming system…think of the inventory costs!

They had an extra guitar for "Guitar Hero"…but it was manufactured by a third party… Were they trying to cash in? Would we be better off with "Rock Band", which came with two guitars included in its almost astronomical price of nearly $170?

Yes, yes, I know… "Rock Band" only comes with one guitar. We found that out when we cracked the box. Still, we could sing and drum…

I was eager to get gaming. So, yesterday afternoon we stopped at another Best Buy, this time in West L.A. The clerk there wore the same yellow shirt, but he was completely different, he was knowledgeable, he was INTO IT!

A dork. I thought he was your typical low-paid clerk. But when he started talking about the games on the PS3, he emitted an inner glow. I realized he was not of this world, he’d been transported from Gameland down to Earth, to educate us, to clue us in.

You want to know what he was like? The record store clerks of old. Back before Tower employees started insulting you, big boxes were staffed with ignoramuses and too many of the indie stores were peopled with holier-than-thou museum attendants.

Oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist. You know what’s wrong with music? THE EXPLOITATION! It’s all over the fucking tube, in advertisements, we don’t own music anymore, the establishment does. And the pricks playing it are working for the man, not us. And those not enthralled with this bogus system are making music so arcane that the majority of the public has tuned out. The indie acts are akin to shitty video games. I mean someone might be interested, but most people just don’t care.

You see gaming is a secret society. Akin to music before MTV. Well, not completely. Gaming is now in its seventies phase, it’s gone aboveboard, the media is aware of it, it just doesn’t know what to DO with it! "Guitar Hero" is gaming’s Led Zeppelin, something the hipsters hate, but the public loves. At some point in the future, when today’s young ‘uns take over the establishment, the same way the boomers took over the establishment, gaming will permeate the culture, it will be sans soul, just like with MUSIC!

So we went with "Rock Band" because they didn’t have an extra "Guitar Hero" guitar at this particular Best Buy and I wanted to sing. My nephew had told me all about singing during his college vacation. Lisa’s sister had played "Rock Band" with Conan all during the strike. I picked up the giant box and we checked out.

Good luck setting the fucking thing up.

I felt like my mother and her computer. I was so FRUSTRATED! Forget plugging everything into the wall and the TV, that was easy. Just try to set up the SYSTEM!

Japanese companies have the worst instruction booklets. Howard Stringer should hire someone from Apple, to make these little booklets readable and usable! There are a zillion buttons on the fucking controller…how do you enter names? And when you do, how do you get the system to ACCEPT THEM!

But eventually I got it up and running.

But "Rock Band" was almost equally daunting in set-up. Try figuring out how to get two people to play simultaneously. Who’d think of using the discarded wireless controller…especially after running the game off the guitar itself!

So is it like playing an instrument?

Lukather is right…with all the time spent figuring out how to play this damn game, you could learn to play an actual instrument. But you get riveted, you feel a certain excitement.

But you get pissed. Why is it a COVER version of "(Don’t Fear) The Reaper"? Why are the lyrics to so many of the songs SO BAD?

The Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ "Maps"… The words are so stupid, so laughable, they make Don Henley look like Walt Whitman. Maybe that’ll be a side effect of "Rock Band", acts will be inspired to write better lyrics.

As for Clive Davis and his handpicked Top Forty songs… Some of these tracks have endless intros. And solos! That’s why the game is so much fun to play! As I told Felice, it’s not called "Top Forty Music", but ROCK BAND!

There’s something happening here. And it’s cooler than any terrestrial radio station, even cooler than satellite. Funny how a fucking video game company realizes its fun to play as a group, to socially network, and the listener is excluded on XM. There’s no CLUB!

Whereas gaming is all about the club. That your parents don’t understand, that they don’t belong to, that they pooh-pooh. You know it’s got to be good if so many people are against it. Shit, Obama should release a song for gaming systems instead of aligning himself with the lame will.i.am. Maybe get Rob Halford of Judas Priest to sing the lyrics. Slash to play the guitar.

People want to rock out. They want to believe. "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band" might be stupid conceptually, but they’re all about the music, they don’t work without the music. Those aren’t rock bands on MTV or the Grammys, those are company whores. The relationship needs no middle man, no TV network, not even a Live Nation. It’s directly from the act to the audience.

License each and every song to not only "Guitar Hero" and "Rock Band", but to any other entity trying something new, testing limits. The problem with this business is it’s run by old farts like Doug Morris, as bad as our dads in the Spiro Agnew era, telling us how it has to be, based on history. Says WHO?

This shit is expensive. But people pay for it. Because it delivers the visceral thrills we USED to get with music. When bands made a ton of bread because they were unsullied, spoke from their hearts and never sold out.

Listen to your CAA agent. Put your music in that car ad. Make that sponsorship deal. Whore yourself out. Make yourself irrelevant. We’re still dedicated to the REAL rock stars. Who made it on talent. Who weren’t mini-corporations, but MUSICIANS!