ANYTHING UNSOLICITED IS SPAM!

When was the last time you were THRILLED to get junk mail? Took ten minutes out of your day to slowly go through all the crap that clutters your mailbox. Looking for incredible offers. Discount vacations. Miracle products. 10% off at a retail establishment you’ve never been to but that keeps sending you their fucking coupon EVERY FUCKING WEEK!

NEVER!

I hate stores I’ve never been into. Because of their intrusion into my life.

But that’s in the physical sphere…

What kind of fucked up world do we live in where people RAIL about spam in their e-mail inbox, and then go out and spam OTHERS!

Oh, I get it. You think your product has value.

I’ll clue you into something, the spammer does too.

But what’s worse is we see your product JUST LIKE THAT OF THE SPAMMER!

People collect e-mail addresses. They see it as an easy way to get ahead, sending blasts to people who can’t even remember who they are, to tell them about their piece of crap recordings.

The best was this guy today who bought me a track from the iTunes Store. Why the fuck would I want THAT? When he could have e-mailed me to ASK me if I’d like to listen to his music, and if I’d said yes I could navigate to his MySpace site whereupon after listening if I wanted to be honest I’d tell him to KEEP HIS DAY JOB!

We live in a land of deranged lunatics. They think if only they can send you their CD, they’ll be on the road to riches.

I’m unlike most people… I just tell you not to fucking send it, to let me know where I can hear the songs on the Web. But most people don’t even listen to me. I had one fucker who I told I didn’t like his music e-mail me and ask if he could STILL send me his CD. And then when I ran into him at Musexpo, he accosted me and thrusted it upon me. I was so offended, I told him the truth. That I was going to THROW IT OUT! Because it was WORTHLESS!

I’ve got something to tell you. If you happen to be good, people will be CLAMORING FOR YOUR STUFF! You can post it for free on MySpace, believe me, if I or anybody else hears something we like, we tell EVERYBODY, because almost all the shit up there STINKS!

So, you’re operating with one hand tied behind your back, I realize. You’re trying to sell something nobody wants. Maybe not even your mother. But start with your mother, and your sister and brother. ASK THEM if you can send them your music. Ask your friends if they will listen to your music. If it’s any good, they’ll ask YOU how they can help you. But when you send a generic e-mail, to a BUNCH OF PEOPLE, we don’t even pay attention, we’re pissed off, just like we are when we have to throw out the junk mail every day. What kind of asshole clutters up our inbox without asking first?

The funny thing is the reasonable people rarely do the wrong thing. It’s only the blind idiots and sociopaths who foist their crap unwittingly upon people. They should be reading this, but they WON’T!

Who is one of the biggest bloggers in cyberspace? Perez Hilton. Have you ever gotten an e-mail from Perez Hilton? Telling you about his latest post, to stop by? Of course not, the BUZZ brings you to his site

PerezHilton.com

and if you like it, you go back, if not, you never or rarely return. Fine, but you don’t HATE Perez Hilton. Because it’s YOUR CHOICE!

That’s why you hate PARIS Hilton. Because she WORKED IT! She cluttered up your TV screen. She PISSED YOU OFF! What the fuck did she ever do to deserve your attention? What did you do in Pro Tools to make me want to have your shit shoved down my throat? Oh, you’re gonna e-mail me about the gig of your unknown band and do you really think I’m gonna sit here and say I THINK I’M GONNA GO?

This is not about me. We’re all bombarded with spam. If you want attention, if you want to grow, you’ve got to ask permission. Or do something so good, that people will be DRIVEN TO YOU!

For example, TMZ.com. I didn’t get e-mail from the site, I wasn’t bombarded. I started reading ELSEWHERE about the site, how it had the best celeb video. So now it’s my gossip site of choice. I don’t believe it when YOU hype me, only when OTHERS DO!

So stop skimming e-mail addresses of those you’re in contact with. Stop spamming them, and bitching, asking why you can’t get any traction. Establish a bond, ask people if they want to be on the list, and make your e-mail to them personal, so they’ll be attracted. Then you might have a fighting chance.