GLADYS KNIGHT

Does everybody get to sing their new single?

Hell, didn’t you oldsters with no chance of getting on the radio get the memo that NOBODY CARES!

And why do the new numbers have to be so LOUSY?  What, is Diane Warren on vacation?  Did somebody lose Max Martin’s phone number?

TONY BENNETT

I heard " Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day" on XM last week.  Stevie Wonder killed even BEFORE "Talking Book".  Somehow, Tony has drained all the magic from Stevie’s song.

But that reaction shot of Paula, PRICELESS!  What planet does she live on?  One where the residents have Swiss cheese between their ears?

God, if only Stevie Wonder came on this show and killed, like Prince at the Super Bowl.  Hell, there’s still over an hour left!

THE ENCEPHALITIC TWIT AND HIS OBESE BUDDY

Who knew Howard Stern had a network show?

Are they laughing WITH you or AT you.

That’s not the society I want…  Wherein we make fun of the physically deformed.  So, they get a day in the sun, but we’re laughing at their expense.  This seems no different from the shenanigans at the Colosseum back in Rome.

MELINDA DOOLITTLE

The true winner.  Better voice than Gwen.

Did she lose because she was semi-pro to Blake and Jordin amateur?  Or could it be her lack of personality, smiling and snorting at everything?  Want people to love you, to vote for you, HAVE AN EDGE!

So far, she’s the best thing on this show.

Oh, except for Gladys Knight doing "Midnight Train To Georgia".

TIME AFTER TIME

You know things are fucked up when the music in the commercials is better than that on the show.  God, if only someone could cut a track as good as this Cyndi Lauper classic today.  It didn’t sound like anything else then, why does everything have to sound like what’s already on the radio NOW?

CARRIE UNDERWOOD

Knows her roots, wearing her jeans.  But haven’t we seen this get-up before, this act before, with FAITH HILL?

That’s your "American Idol" for you…  Originality is not part of the equation.

As for her rendition of the Pretenders song, Chrissie Hynde is probably having a panic attack.  A fiddle on "I’ll Stand By You"?

I’d like to say this slides off of me like an egg on teflon, but the rough edges catch, you remember the bad more than the good.

And she sports the Cameron Diaz factor…i.e. she doesn’t have a complexion made for HD.

CLIVE DAVIS

Was there a music business before Clive?  Really…

God, he’s promoting Taylor Hicks’ new single!  Shit, I haven’t seen such a shameless plug since Macy Gray wore that dress with her album drop date on the VMAs!

Oh, it’s getting worse.  He’s stroking the judges.  Is this a retirement dinner?  Are we at the Beverly Hilton?

Now he’s hyping the professional songwriter.  Hey Clive, THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE BUSINESS!  You ruined it.  Once people stopped writing and performing their own material, producing it sans label interference, the business went downhill.  We connect to what comes from inside, THAT’S why we pledged fealty to the artists, we RELATED TO THEM, where they were coming from.  Now they’re just two-dimensional vessels for hacks like you to sell evanescent crap.  Sorry Clive, I don’t buy your act.  Like that old Jim Carroll song says, I’m just a constant warning to take the other direction.

As for giving Carrie Underwood an award.  Don’t you get it?  This is the Grammy that she didn’t GET!

Nobody goes home award-less in America.  Hell, it’s like giving your kid who can’t kick the ball a trophy for sitting on the bench for his last place soccer team.

AFRICAN CHILDREN’S CHOIR

I’m flummoxed.  I don’t quite get the angle.

Is this a race thing?

No mention of AIDS in Africa?  No mention of the oppression and starvation on that continent?  Just a bunch of young kids, with more soul than the contestants, here to entertain us, like the African-Americans of yore?

SANJAYA

Howard Stern takes credit for something he had little to do with and proves he no longer matters by Sanjaya’s failure to get to the closing rounds.

As for Joe Perry…  He shows up and they play a KINKS song?

Oh, Ray Davies wouldn’t be recognizable enough.

But would Ray do it?

I’ve seen better performers at the JCC.

Joe Perry never would have done this if David Krebs were still his manager.  Can’t anybody say NO anymore?

And the wind machine.  What, is Sanjaya related to Cindy Crawford?

As for the crying girl…  She’s evidence of the true American religion…MANIPULATION!

GREEN DAY/WORKING CLASS HERO

I love that Billie Joe.  He’s so cute, you could eat him up!

But why the fuck are THEY on this show?  "American Idiot" didn’t sell enough?  They’re everything Linkin Park is not, why are they slumming?  And this song works because of the pain in John Lennon’s voice.  It’s not a standard, if you’re not willing to leave blood on the saddle, don’t sing this.

I’m disappointed in my little Billie Joe.

This is slowing the show down.  It’s not quite a drum solo, but HEY, what’s in the fridge?

This is one of the best things so far, but it’s a cheap shot.

Would John Lennon do this?  OF COURSE NOT!

God, they bled in John’s voice at the end…  So, I guess we’ve got to STILL hate Yoko.  Couldn’t Sean stop this?  Is John Lennon in danger of being forgotten?  Yup, the Beatles are fading away, Steve Jobs doesn’t want their music on iTunes…

Are Michelangelo’s relatives on Leno working his legacy?  Trying to get people to go to the Sistine Chapel?

Utter bullshit.

HELL’S KITCHEN PROMO

Well, everybody’s got to eat.  Reality TV thrives because of the drama.  But the more they manipulate it, the more they threaten the franchise.

TAYLOR HICKS

How did he win?

But at least his single is better than Kelly Clarkson’s.  But it too is not a smash.  Clive, you hyped it, how come it’s not a winner?

And on a live show, he’s singing to tape…  He’s not making any fans here.

But I love the "Green Onions" keyboard!

I’m starting to get the feeling Daughtry is not gonna appear on this show.  Isn’t it funny that the only Idol with any credibility, having had a hand in composing his material, refuses to show up.  How could he get it so right, and Green Day so WRONG?

RUBEN STUDDARD

At least he can SING!

I’m sure it’s ONE HELL of a service at the church he broke out of!

He and Jordin are doing a good version of this old Peaches & Herb number, it’s got more soul than Green Day’s John Lennon cover.  Gold star for whomever picked this song.

Wait a second, they’re getting a little Donny & Marie…  Enough googly-eyes and tiny dance steps!

And speaking of dance steps, why is Paula standing?  It’s not a METALLICA SHOW!

GIRL IN AXE AD

More starpower than Jordin.  She’d eat Blake ALIVE!  Hell, I’d tune in for that…  Pay Per View, next week!

BETTE MIDLER

A sappy song for a sappy show.  "Wind Beneath My Wings" is the sappiest hit she ever had.  Couldn’t she have raved it up with "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy"?

This is her territory, she started in the Continental Baths, she knows camp…so why isn’t she camping it up HERE?  She looks like she’s going to a college mixer circa 1969, or attending parents’ weekend at her kid’s school.  Other than the leather skirt…she’s positively MOM-LIKE!

Bette’s more about performance than voice.  She’s not coming across great here.

I just realized what this show is missing…SIMON!  We need more  Simon.  Enough with Ryan Seacrest, the human equivalent of cardboard.

SGT. PEPPER MEDLEY

Didn’t the movie stiff?

"Sgt. Pepper" was a breakthrough, this is a run around the track.  That’s what Kelly’s doing, right?  Running in place, getting in shape for her tour?

Doesn’t she do anything other than belt?  Last time I listened, "Sgt. Pepper" had moments of subtlety…

Taylor Hicks…  I’m blown away, he not only doesn’t suck, he’s actually selling this.  "A Day In The Life" of Taylor Hicks, a hick nobody from nowhere who got a victory lap in front of the whole country, a good ride before he goes back home to sell cars.  Oh, shit, he’s starting to belt, he’s out of tune…  Why does everybody have to show ALL their chops in EVERY song?

Carrie Underwood…  "She’s Leaving Home" is not a country number, sung by someone who believes in hearth and family, it’s a tale of no understanding, a young girl leaving home for a better life in a faraway place like San Francisco.  That’s when there was hope, forty years ago, in 1967.  Irrelevant of what life was truly like in the city by the bay, San Francisco was a beacon, it pointed the rest of us towards a better life, where we weren’t sheep, but fully realized human beings following our own paths.  Oh, now she’s belting.  That girl SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE!  She didn’t stand at the foot of the stairs, belting her story out so her parents would come down in their PJs and do a dance number before she left.

Ruben…  You can’t hate him, but something is wrong here.  Wrong key?  He’s singing this straight, not realizing back in the day we were wondering, was "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" really about LSD/a drug trip?  Now they’re ALL into it!  Have everybody participate in "Yellow Submarine", not "Lucy In  The Sky".

"With A Little Help From My Friends".  Makes Ringo look like a genius.  His offhanded way of singing this, with his less than magical voice.  That’s what we’re looking for in our stars.  We don’t want perfect confections, but imperfect artists speaking truth that we can CONNECT WITH!

You don’t tackle "Sgt. Pepper".  What next, "The Wall"?  Better some Michael Jackson album…

WORLD RECORD VOTE

Wait a second, who are they competing with?  Don’t they own the record?

So Jordin wins…  Wasn’t this predictable?  When we got down to the final two anyway?

So now Jordin is the American Idol…

Who won "Survivor"?  Hell, who won the Oscar for Best Actress?  The World Series, the Super Bowl?  It’s all about the competition, not the winner, we forget the winner..

Well, usually.  But we’re going to be subjected to Jordin hype for the better part of a year.  You’d think she actually had some talent, but she doesn’t.  She’s just another high school singer.

Our country has so little to rally around, so little to unite us, so little we can debate.  We’ve stopped going to the movies, listening to mainstream music.  Now we belong by watching manufactured TV competitions.  It’s how we relate to our coworkers.  By discussing the nuances.  Fox and 19 are doing us a favor, adding soul to our lives.  But if only the rallying point had more substance, if only we revered true talent, innovation, creativity, intellectual ability.  Instead, we celebrate mediocrity, people with pretty faces who we’d like to have over for dinner.  Danger’s for those in Iraq, not us coddled babies back here in the States.

With so much poverty, so much depression, so much struggle, why are these not acknowledged in the mainstream media?  The classic acts of the past spoke from their hearts, unrestricted by convention, we not only loved their work, and still do, but saw them as role models, of human development.  We felt if we only got closer to them, our lives would work.

Anybody who thinks getting closer to Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan will make their life work is a putz.

Creativity, talent, originality…they’re now at the bottom of the barrel.  But the populace is yearning for them to come back.