At a press conference in Bron-Y-Aur early this morning, Jimmy Page announced that to commemorate the sixtieth anniversary of Aleister Crowley’s death, Led Zeppelin will reunite.  Although reporters joked that a seance would be held to bring John Bonham back, Jimmy cracked nary a smile and said the drums would be handled by Zak Starkey.  Rumormongers believed Jason Bonham would sit behind the kit, but after attending a recent Who show, Jimmy determined the diminutive Mr. Starkey would invigorate the players most, and perform for less, since he had something to prove, his father still being alive.

There will be no agent.  No one was willing to work for the one percent Jimmy offered.   Instead, Jimmy has made a direct deal with AEG.  Turns out with Beckham injured, Philip Anschutz has some newly-freed up cash, and he jumped at the chance to ice Live Nation’s puck.

The initial gig will take place at the Oakland Coliseum, and the co-promoter will be Gregg Perloff’s Another Planet, as penance for the beating of Bill Graham’s employee back in 1977.  To insure there will be no fracas this time, there will be no custom signage, nothing for a member of Zeppelin’s entourage to covet.

Furthermore, as payback to the other city by the bay, tickets will be sold at 1977 prices.  Having seen the Red Sox break the curse, Jimmy figures by playing in this baseball stadium for ten bucks tops, all the bad karma associated with Zeppelin will be eviscerated.

This first gig will not be televised and it will not be Webcast.  However, taping will be allowed.  So break out your old Norelco decks, no MD recorders will get through the phalanx of security guards.  Furthermore, all recording will be done on Maxell XL cassettes, sold at the merch stand for $100 apiece.  It was believed that this inflated price was just another concert industry rip-off, but it turns out that there is no Maxell tape left, and after lengthy negotiations with the Japanese company, it has agreed to fire up the production line one more time.  Jimmy preferred to do a deal with TDK, but it turns out their machinery was scrapped.  As to whether this Maxell tape is of the same standard as the cassettes of yore, there’s no confirmation of the report by the BBC that they will be good for one play only, and thereafter will have to be baked for transfer to digital equipment.  So buyer beware.

Tickets for this initial gig will not be sold via TicketMaster.  Rather, vacant Tower Record stores have been commandeered for an initial sale date on June 21, the summer solstice.  CNN showed footage shortly thereafter of lineups, but it’s unclear whether those at the head of the line will be able to purchase ducats first, or whether the dreaded number system will be utilized, wherein Globe tickets are passed out and a random starting number is picked as a selling starting point.

This will not only be a no comp show, but a no VIP show.  That’s right, there will be no tickets held back for industry insiders and celebrities.  They’ll have to line up and buy tickets themselves if they want to go.  There will be no reselling, for all buyers will have two pictures taken with Polaroid SX-70’s upon purchase and the one they bring to the Coliseum with their ticket will have to match the one on file.  There were problems acquiring this old Polaroid equipment, but Tom Scholz uncovered a treasure trove of cameras in a bunker alongside Boston’s Route 128, and is refurbishing them as we speak.  So, if you want to go to this show, I’d advise getting in your car now.

But this will not be the only show.  The second gig will be in Seattle, where the band will play on a barge aside the Edgewater Inn.  This "Mud Shark" gig will be for boaters only.  Tickets will be controlled by Paul Allen, who will anchor his ship in the bay, and is charging others with yachts a million dollars apiece to float in the water and hear the band.  There will be no charity partner, all revenue will go to Zeppelin.  The goal is to have 200 boats, so that in this one gig Zeppelin will eclipse the grosses of both the Rolling Stones and U2, demonstrating once again that they’re the biggest band in the world.

But there will be a final gig.  At Madison Square Garden.  This will be a Bands Reunited Spectacular.  I kid you not, that’s the trademarked name.  Turns out as part of his exit deal with Viacom, Tom Freston got the Bands Reunited moniker from VH1.  Yes, the reason Tom has been quiet all these months is because he’s been working behind the scenes orchestrating this series of concerts.  Which will be aired live, on Fuse.

The first band to reunite will be the aforementioned Stones.  Ronnie Wood will be kicked out, and Mick Taylor will swoop in to resurrect the act’s reputation.  Mick will be doing it for a vastly reduced fee, since his presence will knock Keith Richards’ cred to a new, low level, demonstrating that the band hasn’t done anything great in three decades because Mick’s been absent.  Time may wait for no one, but Mick will play the stellar licks from that track, as well as those on "Can’t You Hear Me Knocking" and "Ventilator Blues".

The second act confirmed is the original Rod Stewart band.  You didn’t think Tom would leave Woody out, do you?  They will be playing the "Gasoline Alley" album from start to finish.  There has been one report that while on stage Rod Stewart will return his J gold records and denounce Clive Davis as the antichrist, but this report came from Lonn Friend, so its trustworthiness is in question.

It was believed that three acts would be sufficient, in tribute to Bill Graham’s bills at the old Fillmores, but Live Nation threatened to sue for business practice infringement, and even though Mr. Freston believed its claim was unenforceable, he has decided to add a fourth act, to avoid any similarity.  This will be the Who.  Jimmy protested, fearful that Townshend and company would blow Zeppelin off the stage, but Mr. Freston convinced him it was fair play for stealing their drummer.  And yes, Jason Bonham will pound the skins for the Who.

This will be a week-long stand.  Each evening Zeppelin will play a different album, and on the night they play "Houses Of The Holy", a little over two hundred thousand dollars will be placed in the Drake Hotel safe, where it will be stolen by the following morning.  But Zeppelin will not fly home that day, they will continue to play.

Now some might note that there are only seven days in a week, and there are ten Zeppelin albums.

Well, Jimmy has always decried the sound of the live album, so that’s out.  And, of course, since they’re playing live, it’s superfluous.

"Coda" doesn’t count.  Furthermore, after these Madison Square Garden gigs, it will be deleted from the Atlantic catalog forevermore.  Yes, you will be able to purchase it for thousands on eBay, but why would you want to?

Still, that leaves us with eight records.

Jimmy at first lobbied for only six days in the week.  But Freston said that no one in the music business had that close a relationship with God.  Yes, Jimmy wanted to stop with "Physical Graffiti", like reasonable fans.  But there will be one more album/show.  Latest reports have it as "In Through The Out Door", but that’s not set in stone.

Now on the fourth day, after the "Zoso" album is played, "Stairway To Heaven" will be retired from radio.  It will thereafter be illegal to spin it.  Like the guitar shop in "Wayne’s World", all classic rock stations will be required to have a "No Stairway" sign in their studios.  "Kashmir" will be left alone.  However, in order to stay in business, all classic rock stations will be required to donate ten percent of their revenues to Led Zeppelin.  The band believes the format was built on its back, and once Vince McMahon threatened to blow the whistle on their illegal practices in Congress, they acceded.

But Vince is not the only wrestler involved.  The final smackdown, er, evening, will be MC’ed by Hulk Hogan.  He doesn’t look like Peter Grant, but he’s the most famous wrestler ever, so he got the gig.

There will be a soundtrack recording.  Available only through iTunes.  Howard Schultz bid the price up high, but Jimmy said that he didn’t want those pricks who frequent Starbucks getting first crack at his music.  Yes, Howard wanted an exclusive.

There will be a special Apple package.  But unlike U2, it won’t be an iPod, but a whole computer.  Yes, the Zeppelin Mac will be a black desktop computer, with the Zoso insignia instead of the Apple logo in silver on all of the equipment.  Dell has cried foul, but with their present financial problems they were in no position to put up a fight.  As for Microsoft…  Supposedly there will be Zune festival two weeks later in Kansas City, starring Journey with Steve Augeri and his replacement, what’s his name, but most people think that show will have no impact, for it will be broadcast with Windows Media DRM.  Most analysts believe these Zeppelin shows will be the final nail in Microsoft’s coffin, after this Mac OS X will rule.  Steve Jobs tried to get Zeppelin to move up the concert date, to coincide with the release of OS X Leopard, but Jimmy said there wasn’t enough rehearsal time, so that plan was scotched.

After the live recording goes on sale, Warner Music will quit the new music business and only sell catalog.  However, there is no truth to the story that thereafter the company will be known as Rhino Records.

As for Zeppelin itself…

John Paul Jones gets no say, he’s just happy to be playing.

Robert?  Robert is letting Jimmy have his way.  And when the shows are over, he will tour with a three piece blues band.  Which will make no records, and will play in the Mississippi delta exclusively.

As for Jimmy…  Now that Chris Robinson has broken up with Kate Hudson, the Black Crowes are available.  But most people believe Jimmy will just hang it up and rest on his laurels.  With the legacy as the guitarist and producer of the biggest and best band ever.  Then again, rumor has it that David Gilmour and Roger Waters are talking about reuniting Pink Floyd and playing stadiums in 2008…