I’m going through something.

I thought it was my car.  Or my hearing.  Two ongoing troublesome areas.  But my shrink told me I was focusing on these two subjects because I could control them, there was an answer, that it was the outside that was scaring me, what was happening in my regular life, the exposure was frightening me, the expanding reach of my work and the attendant interactions.  I wanted to tell him about the bad, but he was more concerned with the good.  And I’ve kept this in mind.  As I’ve teetered on the edge.

Suddenly, my old life has come back to haunt me.  In my dreams.

I was on top of my law school girlfriend three nights back.  She was there with her husband and kids, but she had her top off, I was complimenting her on her breasts.  But then my ex-wife appeared.  To trash this old girlfriend.  She always thought I liked her better.

Then Kim made a reappearance the night before last.  Adam Sandler had borrowed my BMW, I was pissed that my little sister had lent it to him, I called her on the cell after I couldn’t get ahold of anybody else.  She answered whimsically.  There was no connection.  When I got off I felt like shit.  The shrink focused on Adam Sandler’s role.  Under the rubric of everybody in your dream being a reflection of yourself I guess.  But still, I was creeped out by the appearance of my ex.

And then there she was again.  Just now.  I was speaking at some local event and bumped into her.  I was acting cool.  I wanted to go deeper, but I didn’t think it was appropriate.  At least that’s what I told Tony Wilson.  When I ran into him by my apartment building.  He was staying in a hotel right next door.  We sat down at the wrought iron table outside.  And when Tony asked me what had transpired and I gave him so few details, so little information, and it seemed he was disappointed, I quoted the Marc Cohn song.  I told him he knew me.  That I hadn’t blinked.  It was the situation.  Because, as Marc sings, I want to dig down deep.

And then I woke up.

And it was so strange.  Since Tony Wilson’s supposed to be coming to L.A.  And he knows my life story.  And I know his.  It seemed real.  But it was a dream.  But I kept singing "Dig Down Deep" in my head.

Baby let’s go below the surface
See what we can find

Last Sunday night at the Kodak Theatre I asked Brad Goodman how he became Ian Anderson’s agent.  Since he obviously wasn’t old enough to have been around at the beginning.

Brad threw it to Ian’s wife, standing at the edge of the dressing room.  And after hearing about the demise of Premier Talent, I asked her how she met Ian.  And after hearing about the connection, and the rendezvous, after asking three questions, I posited one more.  And she quickly exclaimed "AND YOU ARE?"

I cringed.  I wanted to be anywhere but there.  I find people’s stories more interesting than any music.  I was just interested.  Especially since marrying a rock star…well, let’s just say to many it’s a dream.  You see I like to dig down deep.  Get the real story.  The true story.  And in this case I don’t know if she felt I was going to write something revealing or if it was English reticence or…

At this point Marc Cohn is famous for being shot.

Before that he was known for "Walking In Memphis".  A one hit wonder.  But this isn’t fair.  Marc’s debut album, released by Atlantic in 1991, isn’t quite a masterpiece, but it touches my soul.

The best track is the very last.  "True Companion".

Baby I’ve been searching like everybody else
Can’t say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I’m an angel
And sometimes I’m cruel
And when it comes to love
I’m just another fool

All the celebrities on TV are perfect.  All the movie stars are cool.  Nobody looks or acts like me.  Uptight sometimes, yet the straw that stirs the drink at others.  There’s nobody confused.  Everybody’s got it wired.  I don’t have it wired.  I tend to flail.  The only thing that resonates is music.  Songs like "True Companion".

But the song that truly touches my soul on Marc Cohn’s debut is "Dig Down Deep".

Last night at Village Books a relationship guru touted her new rules-oriented book.  She said women should not reveal themselves.  They should just elicit the personality and stories of their suitor.

I’d hate a woman like that.  If I can’t get your story, I don’t want to be with you.  Actually, what I like best is that night early in the relationship when we stay up all night and reveal our stories to each other.  That’s when you bond.

And I don’t wanna wait until tomorrow
‘Cause the fortune said that ‘The time is now’
It’s time to find out what we’re doing
What we’re doing anyhow
Let’s go out in the moonlight
And walk for awhile
Maybe stay up all night and we could
Talk for awhile

I don’t want to be reasonable.  I don’t want to play by the rules.  I don’t care if there’s work tomorrow.  If we’re feeling it, if we’re connecting, if we’re bonding, we’ve got to continue to go for it.  Even if it takes all night.

It’s a feeling in your heart
And a lump in the throat
It’s a strange and lovely ride
Wanna dig down deep inside

Tell me about your victories.  Your losses.  I never felt closer to Felice than two Fridays ago, after disconnection in the jacuzzi, sitting on the edge of the bed at way past three in the morning she told me the story of the fifth grade teacher who marked her down on her map because she believed she had traced it, hadn’t done it all by herself, but with help.  She’d spent HOURS on this drawing.  She was proud of it.  And not only had she not gotten kudos, she’d been PUT DOWN!  It had changed her life.

Oh I know those moments.  When you give it your best.  And you’re tingling inside, waiting for the response, and you’re put down and brushed off.  It shaves off a little bit of your soul.

Don’t give me a record that’s written by committee.  Don’t give me one that Clive Davis has rewritten.  Give me a composition straight from your soul.  Then I can resonate.  And it’s this resonance that is the foundation of this business.  Oh, there’s ongoing commerce.  Tunes are needed for background at restaurants, and for commercials.  But those slide right off of you.  They just don’t capture life experience.  And when done right, that’s what music does best.

I don’t want to go up to the mountain
I don’t need to go down to the sea
Gonna sit right here ’till we unravel
The mystery

I’m looking forward to going to Colorado.  I like hiking up in Will Rogers Park.  But it’s the trips in my head that are the most fulfilling.

I’m gonna e-mail this to you now and then drive up to Brentwood to the shrink’s office to try and figure this latest installment of my nocturnal life out.  We’re gonna dig down deep.