How do they fuck?

I sat through the whole damn movie and that’s the one element that wasn’t
revealed.  Oh, I got the passing of the egg from male to female…but how did the
egg get fertilized to BEGIN WITH?

Do you think I wanted to see a damn PENGUIN MOVIE?  Some family pic rated G? 
Something for parents to take their kiddies to on a hot summer afternoon?

NO FUCKING WAY!

Hell, it didn’t even fly on my radar.  Until, unlike just about every other
movie released these days, it didn’t immediately disappear from theatres.

Oh, the press MARVELED!  That this DOCUMENTARY was drawing patrons week after week.  It was if they’d discovered the Beatles.  How could this BE?

Well, the public is into tons of shite, so it still rolled off my back until
Kate started waxing rhapsodic on Labor Day.

THAT’S what sells entertainment.  THAT’S what gets people interested.  WORD
OF MOUTH!

Oh, the record companies think their audience is radio.  And MTV.  And if
they just produce something just like what came before, what’s HAPPENING, then
these outlets will air their tune and RICHES will descend upon them.

Not that that’s enough.  The air-brained prima donnas have to appear on TV. 
Even Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones have to do endorsement deals.  TO
GET THE MESSAGE OUT!

Guess it didn’t work too well.  Despite ALL the hype, despite appearing with
AmeriQuest on television CONSTANTLY, "A  Bigger Bang" couldn’t even sell
150,000 measly copies.  YOU KNOW WHY?  Because people expect it to be shit, because that’s what the Stones have been releasing for YEARS!

The reason they go to the show is to relive their youth.  And they take their
young ‘uns along so they can testify that they saw the band before Jagger
died, kind of like seeing Michael Jordan when he was playing with the Washington
Wizards.

But to make something GOOD!  Something NEW AND DIFFERENT!  No, the major
labels can’t do that, it’s TOO RISKY!

The A&R guy only gets to sign a band a year.  He wants one that’s gonna HIT! 
Or at least have a fighting chance.  He wants one, if it DOES hit, that will
go on to sell five million copies.  Give me a rapper, who’s been shot a few
times.  I’ll put him together with a name producer.  We’ll have other rappers
from the label guest on the record.  It’s gonna be a SMASH!

That nobody cares about not only a YEAR after it comes out, but merely MONTHS!

The key is to find something good and have it sell FOREVER!  That’s how the
Stones and McCartney CAN tour.  All those great albums back when.  We don’t
WANT to buy the new records, we don’t want to be reminded how lame these acts
have become.

But the zeal in a friend’s eye.  That’s what gets me to watch a TV program. 
Like I care about the new season?  Like I’m gonna watch all those damn shows? 
Like the actors parading on late night TV are gonna CONVINCE ME?  But when my
TV addicted friends tell me about something…I tune in.  Happened with
"Huff".  And certainly with "Ally McBeal" back when.  As for Larry David, WHO
WOULDN’T watch something by the co-creator of "Seinfeld"?  Hell, that’s how we used to sell BANDS!  Their previous record was SO good you had to buy the new one WITHOUT EVEN HEARING IT FIRST!

Oh, but the major studios will complain that "March Of The Penguins" has only
made $70 million.  Chump change compared to their extravaganzas.  Well, the
ones that hit.  The ones that don’t…  Well, they’re $100 million disasters. 
Talk to a baseball team.  You can’t make it on home run hitters alone.  But
that’s what major labels believe.

Do I want to tell you this Penguin movie is good?  That you’ve GOT to see it?

Well, it’s just that it’s such a goddamn train-wreck.  These stupid birds
walking for seventy miles again and again and AGAIN!  It’s kind of like that Sam
Kinison routine…  You know, about the starving people in Africa.  Don’t send
them food, send them SUITCASES!  They need to move where the FOOD IS!

Couldn’t the emperor penguins go to Tierra Del Fuego?  Migrate a bit north? 
Have their chicks on firm land?  Not far from their feeding waters?

But NO!  They’ve got to waddle in subzero temperatures across a landscape so
barren that when you see the human beings who photographed the flick at the
end, they look like they’re near DEATH!

Oh, they’ve got TINY LITTLE FEET!  They waddle forward like a fat person. 
Their bellies leading the way.  And, when they get tired, they FALL DOWN ON
THESE BELLIES!  And push themselves along like little sleds.  As if they’re seven
year olds, out tobogganing on the golf course.

And the way they pass the egg.  The impulsive LOSE IT!

And that’s the end of the relationship.  Kind of like an abortion.  If you’re
not already married, that kills the connection.  They look at each other
dumbfounded.  Well, one is saying what a fucking idiot the other is.  And you know
it’s the female cursing the male, who didn’t catch the ball.  It’s always the
man’s fault.  Then they turn their backs to each other, never to speak again.

And it wasn’t exactly clear how they choose each other to BEGIN WITH!  It’s
kind of like Surf City.  There are two girls for every boy.  Well, not quite,
but the ratio’s a bit off, there aren’t enough dudes to go around.  And each
dude is MONOGAMOUS!  So, if you don’t get your hands on one early, you’re out of
luck for a whole YEAR!  God, Carrie Bradshaw should have seen THIS movie. 
You see you’ve got to SETTLE!

And then, when they’re paired up, they’re talking up a storm.  We can’t
understand what they’re saying, but I don’t think they’re discussing the movies. 
Then again, they COULD be marveling at the northern lights.

Oh, they’re yakking.  They’re necking.  Then, SUDDENLY, the female plops out
an egg.

Okay, HOW DID THEY DO IT??

Does the male penguin have a penis?  The female a vagina?

They say they’re birds.  How exactly do birds do it ANYWAY?

It’s like immaculate conception.  No wonder religious wankers love this
movie.  Children without SEX!

But I’m not five years old.  I can handle it.  Could you at least TELL ME how
they do it?

I mean you went all the way to Antarctica.  Like a modern day Dr. Doolittle
you hung with the animals.  And you missed this CRUCIAL ELEMENT?

Oh, I know.  You left it on the cutting room floor.  To insure a G rating. 
That’s the world we live in today.

But at least we don’t live down by the South Pole.

Yup, you want to see this movie.  There’s just something about it.  The
penguins take on the characteristics of people.  They’re down there, it’s cold,
they’re starving.

But there’s no traffic.  It’s BEAUTIFUL!

"March Of The Penguins" is SO left field.  SO different from the teenage boy
meets girl tripe populating the movie theatres that it ends up being a
revelation.  It makes you THINK!

And we haven’t had that spirit here in the film world since 1979.