So did you catch Illeana Douglas on "Six Feet Under" last night?

God, HBO is in a funk.

First there’s that unwatchable Lisa Kudrow show.  I mean do you want to watch
Lisa Kudrow to BEGIN WITH?  I mean as part of an ensemble cast she’s a good
diversion, but all Lisa Kudrow all the time is like…being locked up with your
younger sister’s nerdy friend who means well but you just can’t get hard for
ALL AFTERNOON or Alyson Hannigan in "American Pie" (oh, wait a minute, I’ve
got a thing for Alyson, oh well).

And then there was "Carnivale".  TWO seasons?  What was there in the FIRST
season that made them think it would get any better, would become any more
WATCHABLE?  I mean I applaud sticking by artists, but sometimes you’ve just got to
put a show out of its misery.

And "Deadwood"…  I tried, I really did.  But that lead actor is one of the
coldest motherfuckers on the planet.  It’d be like fucking a mannequin.  As
good as Ian McShane is, he can’t make up for the fact that almost nothing
happens in this show, and I don’t mean that in a good way, like on "Seinfeld"…

Then there’s "Entourage".  Yup, that’s my idea of a show, give convicted
mayhem-maker Marky Mark creative control.  Actually, he’s not a bad actor, but
what’s his creative pedigree?  As good as Jeremy Piven can be as Ari Gold, the
show is essentially about lottery winners in search of pussy.  The kind of
people your parents warned you about, told you to study so you wouldn’t become, and you’ve now found out as an adult they were right.

Then there’s "The Wire".  I’ve heard people say they watch it, but I can’t. 
I liked that guy better when he was the cop on drugs on "Oz", which was
lowbrow, but at least it was GOOD lowbrow, in the beginning anyway.

Creativity doesn’t comport with complacency.  And that’s what HBO’s become,
complacent.  Thrilled with its success, it now thinks ANYTHING it produces will
be good.  I mean do you really want to watch a costume drama set in Rome? 
Could be good, but based on their track record I can’t say I’m looking forward
to it.  And every creative type who can’t get his show on network thinks it’s
just too edgy, that the suits don’t understand, that HBO will…  Really, WHO
greenlit that Kudrow show.  I mean is it the same audience, "The Sopranos" and
FRIENDS??  Do the people who watch HBO want to see Lisa Kudrow in ANYTHING?

And then comes "Six Feet Under".

You know HBO doesn’t believe in a show when they move it to Monday night.  I
mean isn’t that the MANTRA, Sunday night is HBO?

Not that I can blame them.  The show is just the same people in more bizarre
situations.  Makes you wince.  THIS is what I looked forward to?

And then we get Rico at the Catholic singles event.  He sees a Latina, with
the slightly plump body he’s attracted to, and it turns out to be his WIFE! 
Oh, Rico’s dying to get back together with her, but she’s making him PAY!  For
an indiscretion.  Even though one could argue quite strongly it was her see you
next Tuesday sister and her influence over their life that caused him to step
out.  But Vanessa seems to open up.  She tells Rico he can stop by to see the
kids tomorrow night (and maybe get some nookie, seems like it!)  BUT, Rico’s
got a funeral director’s meeting in Orange County.

Oh, it’s boring.  The speech about embalming.  The embalmed audience.  Until
Rico spots a leg.  A female leg, in hose, attached to…Illeana Douglas.

Illeana.  God, she’s not like one of the models, you don’t see her and think
of congress.  And she’s got that way of talking where you perceive bubbles, or
excess air is coming out of her mouth.  But, despite her pedigree, despite
her leg up in the business, Illeana can ACT!

Oh, to see her come on to Rico!!!

We don’t see these people on TV, in the movies.  REAL people.  They’re always
icons, women we want to be with who are either commanding the situation or
are tragically misunderstood.  What about NORMAL women.  Women who want to get laid too, and don’t see it as easy as winking and flipping their hair.

Well, like the cliche goes, a woman can get laid any night of the week, guys
are just that willing, but to be laid by someone you WANT!

She can’t get over how cute Rico is.  Even though he’s seemingly six inches
shorter than she is.  Even though he’s a funeral director.  She WANTS HIM!  And
sends the signals to achieve her goal.

She asks him his plans.  Is he going to the next seminar?

When she hears yes, she takes him by the arm and goes too.

Then, she invites herself to his room.  She says she wants to have ROOM
SERVICE!

This IS NOT a female looking to mooch off a male, it’s NOT about a free meal,
it’s about the FUN of room service, that’s her idea of a GOOD TIME!

But Rico isn’t staying at this hotel.  He’s down the street.  At the motel. 
Which features only a vending machine.

But this is okay by Illeana.  She just wants to be with HIM!

Oh, this is the relationship we men are looking for.  A woman we don’t have
to IMPRESS!

Then again, Illeana is positively downscale.  A fancy dinner would be wasted
on her.  She’s not a sophisticate, she’s just AVERAGE!!!  She brings nothing
exceptional to the party, not looks, not brains, but, she brings the one thing
necessary, a vagina, which she’s willing to USE!

And use it she does.  While they’re doing it she can’t stop going on how CUTE
Rico is, how lucky she is to be with him.  If you haven’t been here, then you
just haven’t fucked somebody beautiful.  Oh, they had no control over it,
they just won the genetic lottery, still, our whole SOCIETY is based on these
gorgeous people, if ONLY we could be with one.  And when we ARE, we just can’t
get over our good fortune, we just can’t stop smiling, we can’t wait to get home
and tell our BUDDIES!

She’s weird, but Rico’s willing to go for it.  But Illeana’s not willing to
jettison her boyfriend, who we didn’t even HEAR ABOUT until after her conquest.
 Oh, he’s a bit of a loser, but he’s HER loser.

I’d like to say the rest of the show was this good.  But we’ve seen Billy off
his meds, and we know that Claire’s misunderstood.

But maybe it’s all been set-up.  Because watching the following week’s
preview we can now see that Brenda is waking up to the fact that Nate might not be a good match, it’s clear that the surrogate is bizarre, it’s…life.  Where
you’re SOMEWHERE, but you think you should be ELSEWHERE!

Watching "Six Feet Under", however bad, reminds one of what great visual
entertainment is.  It takes you away, it educates you, it resonates with you, it
INSPIRES YOU!  Despite a dreary season so far, it appears that Alan Ball is
still trying to test the limits.

And testing the limits isn’t about spending money, it’s not about costumes,
it’s not about beauty, it’s about getting as close to humanity as possible,
exploring emotions, not explosions.

I hold little hope that HBO will return to its creative roots and will be
great again.  But thank god the outlet has inspired its competitors, and now
we’ve got "Huff" on Showtime, and other truly adult shows.

You see, contrary to conventional wisdom, playing to the lowest common
denominator does not always pay.  Otherwise, HBO never would have made it in the first place.