I am not going to write about your book.

Writing is a profession. What makes people who’ve run out of jobs and self-publish their story believe that people want to read what they have to say?

I don’t want to write this. I’m sick and tired of the attitude I’m displaying here. This is what happens when you interact with the public. And it’s hard to let it roll off your back all the time. As a matter of fact, Ellen DeGeneres has a new Netflix special all about this. And yes, she’s got a chip on her shoulder, yes she doth protest too much, but she’s a really good comedian, she’s got an identity, a viewpoint, never mind the rote skills of timing and delivery. Everybody thinks they can stand on stage and entertain people, but only a very few are good enough to break through. Ditto with writing. We can all put words into a computer, but do you have the skill to create a riveting story that people want to read?

Forget the details. Everybody’s got amazing events in their lives, everybody’s got a tale to tell. Just because you met a famous musician that doesn’t mean people want to pay to read your story.

But these people are relentless. One guy e-mails me every time I mention a book I read. EVERY TIME! Thinking that this perseverance is going to pay dividends. Like finally I’m going to break down and give him what he wants. NO! I’ve been ignoring him. God forbid I tell him the truth.

Do you know how long it takes to read a book? Hours and hours. And you want me to dedicate all that time to your primitive effort? For what? So I can not write about it and you’ll still be pissed at me?

Of course there are exceptions, like Kathy Valentine’s “All I Ever Wanted.” And there are some books written by professionals that are worth the time, but most biographies (and even rock autobiographies!) are not worth reading. I mean if you’re that dedicated a fan, go for it, but I’m not.

Then there are people who write entire books without a negative thing to say. They’re eighty and worried about pissing off…exactly who? That’s sad, you’re that old and you still can’t tell the truth.

And then there are the misspellings. No one ever proofreads these books. In addition to being unable to write exciting material, none of these people can spell. Ever hear of spellcheck? It’s built right into your word processor, right there in Word. Can you use it?

And if you mention famous names and misspell them…you look like an idiot, what do you think the reader thinks? I mean how hard is it to spell Jackson “Browne” instead of “Brown?” And then there are the books where there are multiple variations on the spelling of one name. Once again, spellcheck would point this out.

As for being unable to spell… That’s what most writers can do, spell. But they can’t do your job, hang with business people and negotiate. Why are you so sure you can do their job? I don’t think I can make hit records. But I could fire up GarageBand right now and make a track and e-mail you each and every day to listen to it. And believe me, I get those too. The barrier to entry is astoundingly low, as to be almost nonexistent. But what makes you think people want to pay attention, spend the time?

And then there’s the production. Ever think of making the type a bit bigger so people can read it? Ever think of choosing a readable font? This is what professionals focus on, amateurs don’t even think of this.

And pricing. Do you really think someone wants to pay thirty dollars for this dreck?

And there’s one book where the guy who wrote it can’t even get his own timeline right. I know more than he does. I mean it’s not hard if you’re paying attention. These are facts. You can look them up online. When an album came out, when the Vietnam War ended. It’s simple.

Yet you keep dunning me to read your book.

I tell people all the time, you can send it but just don’t bug me to read it and write about it. But people do anyway. Hey, you wrote about that famous writer’s book, why not mine?

And then there are those who write fiction. I can tell you about respected writers that can’t get narrative right. I read this Claire Messud book that had great descriptions and analogies but the plot was substandard, and she’s one of the most revered writers out there! But you think you can just lay it down and ring the bell? Come on!

I had this friend Johanan Vigoda. A legendary lawyer, he represented Stevie Wonder, even though he looked like a homeless person.

We were at lunch one time, and I was trolling… I hate to admit it, but I was. I didn’t come right out and say it, but if he would only do this for me, a minor effort, a connection.

And what Vigoda said to me, and I knew him, he was a friend, was…

“I AM NOT A TRAIN! I do not pick up people in one place and drop them off in another.”

And then there was Ken Kragen, who used to teach a class about management at UCLA Extension. He said it was all about connections. To make them. BUT HE WAS NOT THEIR CONNECTION!

I didn’t take that class, but a friend did and he told me this. And how did I meet that friend? At UCLA EXTENSION! We were both at the advent of our careers. What makes you think you’re immediately entitled to get in at the top?

So I love to read. And I’m sitting there with a stack of self-published books, the biographies of some executive, or someone who was involved in a scene, and I can spend five or six hours reading their tome… Or I can pick up the new Rachel Kushner book. What do you think I’m going to do?

Want to get ahead in this world? Do something great.

Even Malcolm Gladwell has come out and said 10,000 hours of practice doesn’t mean you’ll be world class. The science says 10,000 hours of HARD PRACTICE!

Hell, you might write a good book if you’ve been writing since you’ve been a teen. Have seven unpublished novels in your drawer.

But no, you’ve come to a career standstill, don’t know what to do with yourself, have run out of options and say, I know what I’ll do, WRITE A BOOK!

Don’t even bother. Unless it’s your number one passion. Do something else with the limited time you have left on this planet.

Do I read the books of people I do podcasts with?

Yes.

But the odds of me doing a podcast based on a self-published book… That hasn’t happened yet. And I’m inundated with major publisher books that I don’t have time to read, and some I do and still don’t write about them.

But you’re entitled.

I get it, you were a radio promotion guy. You bugged radio stations over and over, until they delivered what you wanted.

But that was traditional business. An exchange of favors.

I DON’T PLAY THAT GAME! Even though people still think I do.

I’ve got no stock in Spotify, nor Live Nation. I’ve never taken a penny to write about a record or a book or a company. NEVER!

But I should do it for you.

Furthermore, what have you done for me?

I’ve built this platform. Do you know what I had to do to do it?

Oh, you don’t really care.

But I guarantee you I’ve lived on a level you can’t even comprehend. Writing a bad check for the rent with less than twenty dollars to my name, with no idea where the next check was coming from.

I survived. But if I want to tell you the truth, I just about fell off the edge. It was nearly terminal.

But now that I’ve built whatever I have, whoever I am, I’m beholden to you.

And then there are the people who keep criticizing what I write and how I write. They’re not paying a penny and they can unsubscribe instantly, it’s a link on the bottom of every missive.

But they’re entitled.

I do my best to avoid their input. It goes with the territory.

But I don’t like the person I become when I’m reacting to all this b.s. that my readers aren’t even aware of.

Now I’m making you aware of it.

All you newbie ex-exec writers out there…

Do me a favor. Ask the friend of a friend to read your book. Someone you don’t know at all, who’s got no investment in your work, and have them respond. I bet you most people won’t even finish your book. And when questioned by their mutual friend they’ll say negative stuff.

But you’re delusional.

That’s not one of the tools in the rock star playbook. Sure, self-belief, but not delusion. Some people just don’t have it. And chances are they’re you. Bob Dylan sings “Each of us has his own special gift.” You do. Find out what it is. I doubt it’s writing.

And bugging people ad infinitum for attention is not a gift, even a baby can do that.

So if you’re thinking of sending me a book… I might say yes, but the odds of me reading it are almost nil. I may check it out.

But if you’re a major publisher it’s different. But they’re smart enough to know that if you send someone a book that doesn’t mean they’ll read it or write about it. Imagine calling everybody on the record company mailing list of yore, every week, to ask whether they’ve listened to your record and whether they’re going to take action, play it or write about it. These lists had thousands of people on them, how many people took action? They say one percent is a good return.

The problem here is I’m going to scare off the reasonable people, the talented ones.

And while I’m at it, for the umpteenth time… You’re reading me, you know what I’m into, can you think about that and recommend what might interest me? I just wrote about three fiction books, but you’re telling me I must read a rock autobiography, or a business book? Sure, there’s a small possibility I’ll like that, but very small. You’ll have to make a very strong case. And you send me records outside my area of interest that I’m never ever going to like, even though others will. Good for them, but not me.

This is how it works today. Everybody can play, but not everybody can win.

Let me push the button. Most of the people complaining loudly about Spotify and Live Nation payments don’t make music that anybody other than their family wants to hear, if them. But somehow they’re entitled to a living making music?

You took the time to write a book, good for you.

But don’t expect me to read it.

I’ve got better things to do.

I only have one life.

And so do you.

I’m choosing all the time. There’s more I want to consume than I can. But I should spend hours on your crappy book instead?

FUHGEDDABOUDIT!