1

The lines were no longer straight on my computer.

I noticed it about five weeks ago. The right side of windows…there was a subtle curve in what I thought to be straight vertical lines.

I rebooted. That’s always the first resort, even on a Mac. But they remained.

I chalked it up to the age of my machine. My 27″ iMac 5k is vintage 2014. I waited for it to come out. I wanted that display. Which is superior to the HD display I purchased with my Mac Pro in 2006, which I now use as a second monitor.

And this iMac has served me well. You have no idea how much additional screen real estate helps. I don’t know how people work on small laptops, even my 15″ MacBook Pro…I miss stuff.

And I want to buy a new computer. I have to buy a new computer. Because Apple has stopped supporting this iMac. I’m stopped at Big Sur, there are no more security updates.

But damned if I’ll spend $4500 on an already obsolete Mac Studio.

When the Mac Studio was introduced in 2022 the complaint was the monitor, which costs $1500, was behind the times. That’s a lot of bread for an antique. But I didn’t need a new computer just then.

And by the following June, the cycle for this product, an introduction during the Worldwide Developers Conference, they’d certainly upgrade the monitor. They did put in new updated chips, M2s, but they didn’t do a thing to the monitor.

And then they stopped supporting my iMac in November 2023. And I decided to just hold on until the following June, and lay down my cash then. But during the WWDC this year they didn’t upgrade the Mac Studio and monitor at all, even the Mac Pro, which is overkill, is still running on an ancient chip.

No, I don’t want a MacBook Air. No I don’t want an external monitor for my laptop. MacBook Airs are good machines, but inherently hobbled, they’re for hobbyists, amateurs, you never know when you’re going to need more power. That app you never use, suddenly you do. I record on my MacBook Pro, thank god I maxed it out. And I even have 32 gigs of RAM in my iMac. Go for greatness, I say.

But then they introduced the M3 chip. And Mark Gurman, the Bloomberg guru who is the expert on Apple said they were going to jump all the way to the M4 for most products. New M4 MacBook Pros are supposed to be imminent. And they’re going to upgrade the iMac too, but the screen size is only 24″, and those three extra inches make a difference. Actually, Apple said they were never going to make another 27″ iMac, which is why I focused on the Mac Studio. But now Gurman says they’ve got one in development, for 2026!

As for the Mac Studio, that’s scheduled for an update in June.

I want to give Apple my money, can’t they give me a machine I can buy?

2

So this went on for a couple of weeks, and then I got on the plane to London and I noticed the exact same curve in the lines on my iPhone. Obviously it’s an Apple problem, I’d just never looked that closely before.

And that iPhone isn’t even a year old.

And my iPad Pro is pretty recent, and when I got back to the States I was lying on the couch reading the news and…

I saw that same damn curved line.

Obviously I had a problem.

Now I know you’re not supposed to Google your problem, but in truth I don’t agree with that. As long as you’re not a hypochondriac, as long as you’re not LOOKING for a problem, it’s incredibly useful.

And bingo, it came right up. Macular degeneration. There was a definitive test. You block one eye, look at a grid that’s the equivalent of graph paper, and if the lines curve…

Needless to say, mine did.

So now I’ve got to get in to see the doctor, who is notoriously booked. But if it’s a crisis, he’s always found time.

And I used to see an ophthalmologist, but now I see an optometrist, one of the best moves I’ve ever made. I ran into Robert Smith at the Troubadour and he didn’t recognize me and he blamed his eyes and I needed a new doctor and he recommended Dr. Silver.

What an experience.

Ophthalmologists don’t want to test your eyes, don’t want to prescribe glasses, they’re looking for serious problems, which few have. Silver works in both Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks and if you want a checkup, call now, you might have to wait a year.

Silver does contacts for the movies, but he’s not that guy, not a starf@cker, and those doctors are rampant in Los Angeles.

And he’s got all these machines, it’s totally up to date, stuff the ophthalmologist didn’t have.

But my schedule was hell. He wasn’t in the office on Monday and Tuesday I was booked solid and as a matter of fact, I couldn’t even make it in until 3:00 or later on Wednesday.

And when nothing came up, they told me to leave a phone message for Silver and he got right back to me, could I come in at 3:15 on Wednesday? ABSOLUTEY!

And that’s when I start feeling guilty. Is my problem big enough?

It was illegal to be sick in my house. You toughed it out. If you complained to my mother she told you to go to school and see how you felt. And this strategy has gotten me in trouble. I’m working on going to the doctor. AND THIS IS MY EYES!

3

So they run all these tests and then Silver gives me a heads-up on rods and cones, brings up the pictures and shows right below the dip of the cone, there’s a gray swath in the left eye. That’s a problem. He thinks it’s fluid, but he won’t go on record, he says I need to see the retina guy. WHO KNEW THERE WAS SUCH A THING!

So we go to the front desk where they call the office and ultimately I get an appointment eight days later, for today at 1:30.

Now Silver said it was a possibility I’d need an injection in my eyeball. That sounds like fun. And I’m strategizing when I could do this. You need a ride for this stuff, and they don’t let you use Uber.

And I was thinking they’d put me out if they had to do it, but what would the recovery be like?

So I got there early, even though most doctors notoriously run late. But I wanted to give respect. Which also came into my sartorial choices. Of course I showered, even though I’d done so the night before, to have B.O. at a doctor’s office…I just can’t imagine it. And I shaved. But could I wear my shorts?

It’s a club. Boomers in L.A. It’s a style. You wear your shorts. It’s a middle finger to the system.

Now I haven’t lived on the east coast for a long time, but back then there were restaurants that not only required a jacket, but a tie. If you were doing business, you had to look sharp. But L.A. is a laid back culture.

But it wasn’t really hot out. Actually, they said it might rain in the next few days, before the temperature soars on Sunday.

Okay, I’ll wear long pants. But what about shoes? I mean I’m going to wear “trainers,” but do I find my cleanest pair, one of the ones they sent me from Brooks? The New Balance Fresh Foams… I got the first edition for walking, in the second edition they changed the soles to black, but on mine they’re white, and they’re not dingy, but they’re not the cleanest.

I decided they were all right.

You see there’s a whole strategy in going to the doctor. One is to dress to the nines. Show that you’re a big swinging dick, have places to go and people to see, that time is tight. My plan is different. I try to appear educated, smart, show that I’m not the average bear. Also, give them more information than necessary. I hate when someone comes back from the doctor and gives you a report and when you quiz them about something that was bothering them on the way in, the person says I DIDN’T ASK!

You’ve got to ask. And the more you talk…

You want a relationship. Assuming they’ll have one with you. If they don’t take insurance, like most top-notch doctors in L.A., they give you time, use it, let them know who you are. Doctors are dealing with boring patients all day long. Get them to look forward to having you in, be a breath of fresh air.

But with some top-notch specialists… They only deal with crises, and therefore they take insurance. There aren’t enough patients to forgo insurance.

And speaking of insurance… Dr. Silver didn’t even charge me! I asked at the desk what I owed and they said nothing. I was there for forty five minutes, had tests on multiple machines, that’s testimony to a relationship right there. Not that a regular appointment with Silver is cheap. But, like everything in life, you get what you pay for. And when it comes to my health, I WANT THE BEST!

4

So I’m filling out the forms. Everybody’s uptight about privacy. But I wish there was a central database of what drugs I’m taking, what surgeries I’ve had. Now if you’re in the UCLA system, it can be accessed by their doctors. And actually, Cedars doctors can access this too. I once went for a second opinion at UCLA and when I went back to the Cedars doctor she started off by saying… “So you saw ___________.” Freaked me right out. But a good doctor doesn’t mind if you get a second opinion, they encourage it. And in truth, this Cedars doctor was more on the ball than the UCLA one. Actually, she left the Cedars system. They overwork you. She’s now independent and she charges…whatever she wants to. But she sees me for an hour. And I can get ahold of her right away in text or e-mail. Doesn’t sound like a big deal, but get older and…

I felt like my grandmother. I remember my mother taking her to doctors, it was a full time job. I pooh-poohed it.

And then there are those who believe they’re immune. They don’t need no stinking doctors! You may feel fine, you may look fine, you may even have plastic surgery to try and look younger, but your insides don’t know that. I know too many people who’ve avoided the doctor and dropped dead. I know too many people who have a history of disease in their family, don’t go to the specialist, and die of the same damn thing. Truly.

But this getting old thing… Everybody tells you that life goes by in the blink of an eye, that they feel young. But that’s not even close to describing it.

You’re just wandering through life. And believe me, even though I’ve had more than a few surgeries, I feel young and alive, I skied 89 days last year, I hike regularly in the mountains, but nobody lives forever. I mean just J.D! And Christine McVie didn’t even make it to eighty. You reach a point where not only are their fewer years in front of you, BUT YOU CAN SEE THE END!

And you don’t want to live to a hundred, because all your friends are dead.

It’s a conundrum.

And most of my civilian contemporaries have retired. Many counting their dollars. On the cusp of the early bird special. I’m still working, I want to work, but how much runway do I have left?

But if I eat right, exercise, see the doctors, take the pills…it’ll all work out, RIGHT?

Wrong.

I see friends who eat KFC. Onion rings. Sure, in our teens and twenties we ate everything, but have you had a scan recently? No one’s arteries are clean. Then again, you can avoid the scan and live in ignorance.

Of course there are smokers who live to a hundred, but the odds are against you. I don’t want to be dumb. My models are David Letterman and Bill Clinton, they had heart issues and wised right up. They eat healthy, they’re thin, they want to LIVE! DO YOU?

5

Now looking at the printout before I left the house it said to schedule two hours, and have someone drive you.

Well they didn’t say anything about driving in the text messages… Don’t you love texts and e-mails? My goal is to talk to no one. It’s never wrong in text. But when you’re spelling your name over the phone, or giving your address, GOOD LUCK!

And since these jobs pay so poorly, they’re not staffed by the brightest people. Be glad you’re dealing with a machine.

So I enter the office and… I won’t say it’s empty, but close, which is a good sign.

And after filling out the forms, which I print on, I’m afraid to use script, my handwriting is so bad, no one could read it, even though I think no one’s reading it anyway. I mean does an eye doctor need to know about a hernia operation?

And then they call me into a room where they ask me more questions and start giving me eye tests.

Eye tests, hearing tests… Are you doing well or poorly? And are the results accurate?

And I’m feeling unentitled. I mean my problems aren’t that bad.

And then the tech puts in numbing drops and checks me for glaucoma and puts in dilation drops and then brings me to another waiting room.

Now I realized I really did need two hours.

Then they took me in another room to take pictures. Actually, the two machines they used Silver had too, but…

The tech at Silver… She’d tell me when to keep my eye open. This woman did not. I figured it didn’t matter. But then I asked her and she said…GOOD QUESTION!

Whoa! This usually spikes my anxiety sky high. I’m taking this seriously, I need more than competence, I need THE EXPERT!

But she says the pictures are good…everything’s digital and instant these days.

And then another tech comes along and hovers… At first I thought she wanted to ask a question. But she didn’t interrupt and didn’t leave, that’s when I realized she was supervising. And the original tech was screwing stuff up and when we were finished, another tech came in and said to stop using the trainee, the waiting room was backed up!

So I went with the trainer to the next machine and it turned out the first tech didn’t even enter my name, but it got worked out, I was brought to another room, and then there was a new tech to interact with! The doctor’s direct tech.

And then he came in.

He was in his thirties. Which is not what you expect, but Silver handpicked this guy. And he’s wearing scrubs and his Nikes…which are far more dirty and worn out than mine.

And he’s studying all the pictures and he says I don’t have macular degeneration. Whew, great!

And then he starts looking into my eyes. With the regular contraption and then this headgear he wears. And when he’s got the headgear on he’s telling me how to move my eyes. In forty five degree increments. And I feel good that I can immediately tell left from right, because you’d be surprised how many people cannot. I did not want him to judge me negatively.

And when it’s all done..

I have macular degeneration.

Wait a second, I thought at the advent you said I did not!

He said he was responding to the note Silver sent, to check for wet macular degeneration, I’ve got dry.

Okay…

And then he says “This is now your baseline.”

I’ve heard that before. That means they’re not going to do anything.

Now wait a second, what is going on here?

Well, wet macular degeneration is a blood bleed, they address that. But dry macular degeneration? THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO!

It’s going to get worse and…

The yin is I don’t have to have surgery. But the yang is I’m going to see this damn curve in lines every day for the rest of my life! And once I noticed it, I see it on the TV, on the edges of walls, it’s EVERYWHERE!

Mostly in the left eye, but the right eye was not spared.

And what caused this?

AGE!

And I’m thinking about that “Twilight Zone” episode. You know, it’s the end of the world and the old guy is thrilled that he can go to the library and read…and then his glasses fall off his nose and break on the concrete and…Rod Serling comes back in.

I’m doing everything right. I’m going for annual checkups. Isn’t there anything you can do?

NO!

So I don’t have to endure surgery. I’ve just got to monitor it, they gave me a grid to look at every day, and take this over the counter pill that’s supposed to slow down the process.

Oh, don’t give me sh*t, if you’ve even gotten this far. The real story is everybody’s got something, they’re just not talking about it. Because if they did, you might judge them. See them as old. Like the people who lie about their age. Who do you think you’re kidding? And really, you’re lying to yourself.

But I was convinced there’d be some treatment, that eyeball injection, and it would be scary, but I’d be back to normal.

No way.

This is my new life.

Now let’s be clear, it’s subtle. But it’s there.

Is this the way this is going to go? Am I slowly going to start falling apart?

Once again, my contemporaries won’t admit it. But I’m telling you now, and Freddie Garrity himself died back in 2006, he was 79. He took ill on vacation and…that was all she wrote.

Now in terms of perspective, this really isn’t that big a thing.

But this is ME! I like everything to run at 100%. My car may be nineteen years old, but other than the cruise control, it runs like a champ, just like the day it came off the assembly line. Regular maintenance, baby.

And when it comes to skis…

I ain’t putting a hundred days on them. They start going downhill after about fifteen or twenty. Sometime after fifty, they’re not the same. And then, as they get up in age…

Why sacrifice? Just buy a new pair! Why have your enjoyment reduced by a pair of skis that don’t hold that well on the ice.

I like things to work right. And I’ve always paid for them, but now I’m trying not to think twice. Compared to my dental bills, a new pair of skis is NOTHING!

I didn’t expect an implant to get infected and need to be redone. I didn’t think I’d need a root canal. I didn’t think another tooth would break in half. And I’m worried about the price of ski equipment?

I mean I’m all in. And if I told you how many pairs of skis I have… And other than two pairs, none are more than two years old.

But skiing is important to me. One of the most important things to me.

But there will be a time when they’ll no longer see me in the shop.

Everybody dies.

But I thought it would happen all at once, or not until I was eighty five or so.

But it’s starting.