1

I lost my voice. I don’t remember having laryngitis since the sixties.

It was illegal to be sick growing up in my house. You see my mother’s mother was a hypochondriac and as a result if we had a sniffle we went to school and we did not go to the doctor unless we were near death. Well, unless our symptoms were so bad immediate action was necessary.

Which is all to say I started getting sick ten days ago, on Sunday the 11th, and I tried to sleep it off, but otherwise I didn’t change my behavior. I’m a big believer in the healing power of sleep. I don’t know why people brag about little shut-eye, nor do I understand their need to brag about getting up early. True, the early bird does catch the worm, but are you eating worms? As for sleep… I hope you don’t work at the factory, or as a butcher, because the less alert you are, the greater the chance of injury. Also, clear-headed thinking is needed for creative work and also to make the best decisions. I don’t want a lawyer who was up all night, and I don’t want a mechanic or doctor either. I want someone who is fresh, alert, who can make decisions on the fly, who is sharp. That’s the scourge of America, dullness. People more interested in what they wear and how they appear than how they function cognitively.

Which is all to say that despite symptoms, I skied anyway. I see it as a job. This is what the 10,000 hours is all about. Doing it continuously, not just when you want to. It’s about refining the edge, making efforts instinctual. Sure there are days I don’t want to suit up and go out, but there always becomes a time when I’m out there that my mood changes and I’m thrilled to be there, in the great outdoors, usually by myself.

I’m in the process of getting a new pair of skis. That’s another thing about aging, you learn not to hold back. I mean how many more years am I going to be able to do this? My friend Jack Binion is still skiing every day in his eighties, but I know others who can barely walk at that age, or are already dead. My old 95s don’t hold on hard snow. I want something that does. So I’m demo’ing.

And first I tried the Stockli Stormrider 95s. Hand-built and four hundred dollars more than the competition. They’re silky smooth, and they’ll plow through anything, and there was a lot of crud. At first I said no way, I would never buy them, but by the end of the day I was at one with the skis. They gave me confidence. But they just weren’t that quick. I like a playful ski.

So the next day I demoed the Blizzard Bonafides. Notoriously a truck, I hated them the last time I skied on them. But Billy said they’d changed. Billy is my expert. He’s never steered me wrong on skis, and I’ve made a few mistakes. And lo and behold, the Bonafide had changed. It actually turned quicker than the Stockli, and the tail was a bit softer. I couldn’t get excited about the Bonafide, but it was better in the bumps than the Stockli, and I like to go into the bumps.

And then the weather turned.

2

Not only was it snowing, it was blowing. But even worse a cloud had descended on top of the mountain. Which meant there was no depth perception, you couldn’t see the bumps. It was the wild west, literally.

This is the weather I love. The more it blows and snows, the more alien it is, the more I enjoy it. By this point almost everybody had gone in. Yes, you can get out for first chair, but the snow is firm and if you’re chasing powder…you’re truly chasing it, it ceases to be fun, it’s a race. You get one untracked run and then you hunt the least tracked spaces and… Vail is vast, unlike the Utah resorts it does not get completely tracked out in an hour and a half. You can ski crud for days. But not on the main slopes, you’ve got to go into the trees and… My preference is storm days, when most people are gone and the snow is piling up and the snow was piling up on Thursday afternoon and it felt like winter, how great.

But then I had to go from the top of 3 to the top of 2. It’s a long ridge sans vegetation at the top of the mountain. And in these conditions they frequently put in lights, to guide the way. But not this day. There was a risk involved. That I’d ski over a bump and be thrown, maybe hurt, but I went slowly and eventually saw the top of 2 in the distance. And then I traversed over to Ledges and took one of my favorite last routes down. I’ve got a few. Ledges is like a ballroom, almost always empty, it’s fun…you don’t want to take the most challenging slope at the end of the day. That’s weekend warrior stuff, that’s how you get hurt. Ease into it.

So after hanging them up I eventually went to the shop for the Mindbender 99ti’s. Billy said it was one of the three, the Stockli, Blizzard or K2, even though in the abstract I had no interest in any of these brands, I haven’t skied a K2 since 1969, when I had two pairs of Comps that fell apart. I like French skis, not Austrian ones. As for German Volkls… The last pair I had, the only pair I had, were so stiff you could suspend them between two bumps, they wouldn’t bend in between.

So Dirk gave me a freshly-tuned pair of Mindbenders, I took them back to the condo and then…

3

Friday I woke up really sick. I thought maybe I shouldn’t have gone out on Thursday, but it was clear I couldn’t go out on Friday, no way.

So I stayed inside and worked. Wrote, told you about my radio show on Saturday and then…

That’s when my voice started to go. My throat was sore, speaking was hard. Yet, like in the circus, the show goes on. I planned to do my show.

But when I woke up Saturday, I could barely croak. I texted Billy, told him I hadn’t used the K2s, asked him if he wanted them back, he did, so I delivered them, and when I handed them over…to say I sounded like a frog would be charitable.

I came home and canceled the radio show. Harvey Fierstein sounded better. But even worse I couldn’t stop coughing. There was no choice. A rerun was necessary.

And then I got worse.

4

I’ve got antibodies. People ask me how I can leave the house, with my immune issues.

I won’t detail every element, but…

The vaccine didn’t work for me. Because of Rituxan, a drug that wipes out all my b-cells.

Then I got Regeneron in August of 2021, but it turned out those antibodies didn’t work for Omicron.

And then I got Evusheld and Omicron was rampant and my immunologist said to stay home anyway, until it died down, and then the government said I needed double the dose. And I couldn’t get it. So I flew to Vail and got it there, and skied 48 out of 50 days, March and April. You didn’t know that, today you can be anywhere. I was the only person wearing a mask on the hill. As for the two days off… Wind…one day all the lifts were closed, the other day half.

So we were waiting for my b-cells to repopulate. It was supposed to take six months since my last Rituxan infusion, but now it was almost eighteen. I got the vaccine again the first day of June, 2022. Worked a bit. As for the second dose… Impossible to get, no one would give it to me. I told them the first two shots hadn’t worked, that I needed two new full shots. But all I could get was a booster.

Which carried me through to the bivalent booster in September, which I got three days after it became available. I was tested. I have antibodies. I’d give you the numbers, but… Here’s the bottom line, many people have more, but both my immunologist and my internist say I’m covered. As for t-cells… They can test those, they just don’t know how many you have and what it means. But, the Rituxan does not affect t-cell production, so I’m now up to snuff on those and…

I can’t believe you haven’t gotten the new booster. You want to live, don’t you?

Maybe not.

The news article that struck me most this week was this:

“Can politics kill you? Research says the answer increasingly is yes.”: https://wapo.st/3G7NjP0

Yes, that’s the “Washington Post” folks, which means almost half the country won’t read it, never mind believe it, but you should:

“The study, published this month in the Lancet Regional Health-Americas, found that the more conservative the voting records of members of Congress and state legislators, the higher the age-adjusted covid mortality rates — even after taking into account the racial, education and income characteristics of each congressional district along with vaccination rates.

“Covid death rates were 11 percent higher in states with Republican-controlled governments and 26 percent higher in areas where voters lean conservative. Similar results emerged about hospital ICU capacity when the concentration of political power in a state was conservative.”

This is a nonpartisan study.

I don’t want to die. You have the personal responsibility to do so, but why? To prove you’re a member of the team? As for being anti-vaccine… I won’t even bother to address that issue, except to say that that’s the world we now live in, where everything is up for grabs and nothing is true. And unless something can be proven 100% it is not to be banked on, never mind believed.

But this isn’t about you, but me.

I got too isolated. I’m still not fully integrated yet. I spent two and a half years out of touch, at home. And you need socialization to survive. I hear from more people every day than anybody I know, but it’s not like the real thing.

As for my immune condition… Once again, I take Rituxan for my pemphigus, that causes my immune condition. I do not have an underlying immune condition. But the Rituxan is a miracle drug for me. As the doctor told me when she diagnosed me…don’t Google pemphigus foliaceus.

So really, I need another Rituxan infusion. But I don’t want the cycle to repeat. So the doctor says to get three series of IVIG infusions. Which will wipe out the bad, pemphigus cells, which have returned, there’s a test. Took them three weeks to get all the approvals and then it was going to cost me $7,000. I’d have paid, but who wants to? And then I was told that if I got the infusions at the hospital they’d be essentially free. Two months later, I’m finally scheduled. My symptoms have returned a bit, but… At least I’m better off than my friend Barry, who’s got Parkinson’s. You’re gonna get something, be prepared, and you want to be able to throw everything you can at it. And the dirty little secret is many people can’t afford this treatment, never mind not knowing how to navigate the corridors of the health system. This is where everybody is a Republican, you’re on your own, it’s all about personal responsibility, and that’s a damn shame.

5

And my nose was running like a faucet. I went through box after box of kleenex. And my throat was so sore. And the only way I could sleep at night was by taking Tylenol. Yes, if your nose is running, it helps. Two extra strength tablets every two hours.

Covid?

I tested myself twice. My symptoms didn’t align, I had no fever. My fatigue was minimal. But you never ever know.

And it’s probably a virus, and I don’t want to treat viruses with antibiotics, I don’t want to be part of the problem, but I scrounged through my old kit bag and found a Z-pak. It expired in 2009, but in truth most of these drugs barely fade, never mind away.

You see I was getting scared. That’s the flip side of my upbringing. You ignore the symptoms and then when they’re too intense to do so you start catastrophizing.

And I’m sitting on the couch and you know how it is… You’re thinking about breathing, and you never want to think about breathing, it should come naturally.

And the funny thing about illness is just when you think you can’t tolerate it anymore, when you can’t stand another sleepless night, the tide turns. Happened to me yesterday. My nose is not running 24/7. And when I cough it doesn’t feel like I’m ripping out my insides. I’m on the road back. Could I have skied today? No way. This is the first day my head is somewhat clear, but there’s still that feeling in my chest and my voice still has that sandpaper, anybody would notice, ask me what was going on.

6

So, that’s what’s happening. Your mileage may differ. If you’re reading the news you know there’s a bomb cyclone, in not only weather, but health! I got my flu shot, I hope you got yours. That’s another thing I can’t understand passing on. I got the flu once back in the nineties and I haven’t missed a shot since.

And it pisses me off to miss all these ski days.

But they just closed Blue Sky Basin and the Bowls. Must be the wind.

And tomorrow is supposed to be atrocious.

And I want to get back out there, but like in that Clash song “The Call Up,” I don’t want to die.

And it’s my decision. No one knows how you feel inside. It’s a razor’s edge I tell you, engaging with life. You can stay home, see nobody, take no risks, but how fulfilling is that? Never mind depressing. Or you can venture out your front door, into the unknown, where the stimulation and rewards are.

I wish there was someone who could tell me what do to in every circumstance. I’m not talking about false prophets, but gods. But they don’t exist. You’ve got to take your internal temperature and make your own decisions, on the fly.

Which is why you want to get a good night’s sleep.

And why you don’t want to be a sheep.

Do what’s right for you.

But let me tell you, it’s a full time job. Pay attention, don’t follow leaders and be sure to watch the parking meters.

As for your health being everything… Either you know this already or will learn this. It’s life. You live, you die, but you don’t want to do so prematurely.

Out.