She’s selling the essence, not the penumbra.

A couple of years back I had dinner with John Dick, majordomo of the research company CivicScience. He puts out a weekly newsletter everybody loves, you can sign up here:

http://www2.civicscience.com/l/165381/2019-08-30/bjv6tb

CivicScience consults Fortune 500 companies and John was struggling with writing the newsletter, it was a chore. I told him to make it personal.

Then everything instantly changed. The story about his daughter saying “I love Dick!” was priceless. Also the one where he talked about a family tragedy. You see it’s about people. First and foremost. Want to have success, especially in the arts, MAKE IT PERSONAL!

Everybody can relate, everybody is imperfect, has warts. Once you testify everybody else does too, they’re just waiting for the signal to open up, especially guys.

A few years back I went on the Summit Series cruise. You can research it. And although Brad Gerstner of Altimeter Partners told me I had the best presentation of the weekend at a subsequent Summit event in Utah, the hit of the cruise was Esther Perel.

Everybody knows who Esther Perel is today. Because of her podcast and publications and… She’s the relationship guru. Trained relationship guru.

But this was before all that.

I had to go see her, she had to do a bonus talk because people were turned away from the scheduled one. Esther was relatable, she wasn’t dictatorial, she told it how it was, and it was very interesting.

This morning in the “New York Times” I saw a story about Logan Ury:

“Logan Ury Says You’re Dating All Wrong – From her Oakland commune, a dating coach has made a big business out of her data-driven approach to modern romance.: https://nyti.ms/3tsZpLI

A COMMUNE? You mean hippies in Oregon wearing overalls? Takes balls to live in a commune in the twenty first century. This I had to read.

And that’s when I found out Logan went to Harvard. Yes, growing up on the east coast that still means something to me. A person can go to Harvard and be socially awkward, have no practical sense, but they’ve got to be book smart, they’ve got to be able to read, understand and write. Those are the necessary criteria for admission. So was this the average dating coach?

Absolutely not.

She’s not the usual charlatan. You know, the person who hangs up a shingle whose main goal is to get rich. Like the clairvoyants preying on the hopeful. You see Logan’s approach is based on data, science. And she’s got a degree in psychology. This ticks a few boxes.

As for the commune, Ury says “Research shows that people are happiest when they live in groups.”

Now I’m not sure I want to join a kibbutz, but one thing is for sure, I’m happiest when I’m in a group, especially when the pretexts of society are stripped away, when it’s just people. Where you went to school, how much money you have…take away the bragging and it turns out people are more alike than different, you can relate to anybody. Well, there is Gene Simmons…

Ury doesn’t believe in soul mates. If you’re not settling, you’re not doing it right. Think someone is a perfect match? All you’ve got to do is live with them. Logan is being practical, and so many of the unmarried are not. Reminding me of those great Jackson Browne lines:

“Without dreaming of the perfect love

And holding it so far above

That if you stumbled on to someone real you’d never know”

People don’t want to hear the truth. Not only from Jack Nicholson, but almost anybody. They’d rather hew to their delusional viewpoint.

And Ury’s research says “A recent one (survey) found that 88 percent of the app’s users would prefer to date someone who’s in therapy.”

There you have it! If you want to have a relationship you’ve got to have insight into yourself, otherwise how can you have insight into someone else? Going to therapy is hard for most people, they don’t want to admit to themselves that they’re imperfect, that they can’t do it all by themselves. The truth is you can’t, I’ll just leave it at that.

Now Ury is building a business on relationship coaching. I don’t know the woman, for all I know she could be motivated by money. But one thing I do know is people are looking for answers, especially when it comes to love.

So I decided to dig deeper, to go online.

And that’s when I realized that Logan Ury’s publicist deserves a bonus. Ury is everywhere, the “New York Times” is just the cherry on top. But it’s where I saw the story.

And not only are there stories, there’s Instagram and videos and…

I decided to check out Ury’s Instagram, “loganury.”

It’s all advice. It’s detailed. She’s on a mission. And she’s not obscuring it. Too many people are worried about their image. Who has got time for that? If you’re on Instagram you want Logan’s essence. And what is that?

One of her posts says your profile should be accurate, not aspirational. If you lie, what are the odds you’re going to get what you want?

“Look for a partner, not a project.”

People don’t change. Not that much. So if they tick a lot of boxes, they look great and they’re good in bed, that does not trump the fact that they cannot hold down a job, or are untrustworthy.

There’s a cool video, “How to deal with a ZQ (Zero Questions) dater.” She’s got a lot of good advice, but it’s the most practical thing that stood out… If you’re wary of dates with no questions, no back and forth, PUT IT IN YOUR PROFILE! Yes, put in your profile that you love being asked questions. Brilliant!

Now the truth is all of this is not about finding the perfect partner, but getting your skills up, so if you do bump into someone at the grocery store, or meet someone at a party, you don’t freeze up, you use the tools you’ve been taught to interact. There’s a good chance you’ll meet your love off an app, but there’s also a good chance that you won’t meet anybody if you never go on the apps.

As Logan says:

“‘I’m not presenting myself as a guru,’ Ms. Ury said. ‘I tell people: I will create a system that helps you tackle your blind spots and change your decisions.'”

And Ury’s story is relatable:

“…she was pining over a guy whom she referred to in her book as Brian. She’d made out with him during one of her six trips to Burning Man and had glommed onto him; he rebuffed her. He sent her occasional texts, and she sobbed about his dismissiveness. It was the kind of dynamic she sees her clients repeat again and again, clinging to the illusion of a connection.”

Oh, you’ve been there, the unrequited crush. Eventually you get over it, but you can be hung up on these people FOR YEARS!

And finally, Ury appealed to me because:

“‘I’ve done online dating. I’ve ghosted, I’ve been ghosted, I’ve gone on 8.5 dates in one week,’ she said. ‘I feel like I’m the perfect level of attractiveness — it’s not like I’m so beautiful where it’s like, “Oh, dating was so easy.” You have to be someone people can relate to.'”

Ury knows who she is, that she’s not so desirable that she’s beating men off with a stick. Like most of us. And if you only focus on the exterior, you’re gonna miss a lot of great people.

I’m not in the dating market, and I hope to never be again, but I am absolutely fascinated by relationships. Who people are, what brings them together. I can listen to these stories forever. (However I cannot listen to the same damn story told by the same damn person who never takes action.) Which is why I read this article and Googled Logan.

That’s all there is, people. Your toys won’t keep you warm at night. Some of those billionaires are the loneliest people you’ll ever meet. They can’t trust anyone, and they can’t climb down from the totem pole. Yes, in relationships everybody can be a 10. You’ve just got to stop being aspirational and accept yourself. And know that everybody’s idea of a 10 is different.

If you’re in the market, you should check Logan out, just to get your brain going if nothing else. There’s so much to see, so much to learn.

GO FOR IT!