1

“Out on the road for forty days

Last night in Little Rock put me in a haze

Sweet sweet Connie was doin’ her act

She had the whole show and that’s a natural fact”

“We’re an American Band”

Grand Funk Railroad was an American band on the decline. Controlled by Terry Knight, an almost made it rock star himself, the band made it on hype more than ability/songs/records, but for a moment there, around 1970, they were a big deal.

It started with their debut album “On Time.” Reviled by critics, Knight put money into something most other managers didn’t bother with, radio advertising. Knight spoke of Grand Funk Railroad’s triumphs in every burg but your own, you had to see them.

Now today you just go online and find out the band sucks. Then again, there’s not a single act today as big as Grand Funk was yesterday. That’s the world we lived in, one of concentration, where it was hard to get into the game and if you got on the radio people knew your name.

But radio was still regional. FM rock was still new in the hinterlands. There were still kids going to their first concert. In hamlets many big acts didn’t bother to go to. That’s where Grand Funk Railroad focused its efforts, and it worked.

Right after August ’69’s “On Time” came “Grand Funk,” just four months later. They were feeding the machine.

And then just six months after “Grand Funk” came “Closer to Home,” which actually had a good track, the closer, “I’m Your Captain (Closer to Home),” so good that even New York City rock stations played it, whereas they’d played nothing by Grand Funk Railroad before.

And five months after “Closer to Home,” just in time for the Christmas season, Capitol released a double live album, creatively entitled “Live Album,” that became a joke, if you saw it in someone’s collection you realized they hadn’t gotten the memo, back in an era when your record collection stood for your identity.

But it was way too much too soon and Grand Funk started to fade from favor. Forget the RIAA certifications, those numbers were manipulated. “Survival” was laughable, and “E Pluribus Funk” and “Phoenix” were ignored in an era when Jethro Tull and Rod Stewart and other classic rock legends were breaking through.

And then came “We’re an American Band.”

Terry Knight was history. The band had a plan. They hired wunderkind Todd Rundgren to produce. They came into the studio with “We’re an American Band” already written. Todd cut it nearly instantly, knowing when you’ve got the goods you shouldn’t belabor a track, you’ll kill it. And then it came out and was all over the radio. Back in an era where most cars still did not have FM, and the game was to cross over. This is how Billy Joel started. Harry Chapin too.

So I’m driving over the Gap in my ’63 Chevy convertible, top down, hair blowing in the wind on a not quite crisp fall afternoon, and out of the dashboard comes the above lyrics.

And this was not SiriusXM. There was no readout. You oftentimes didn’t know who the act was. But I’d read about this record and now I heard it, it took only one listen, it was great. Yes, you’ve got to admit you love that which is discredited if it delivers. Think of all the rockers who came out of the woodwork and said they loved the Carpenters after Karen died.

But “We’re an American Band” didn’t sound quite like Grand Funk Railroad, which soon became just “Grand Funk,” because the song was not only written by Don Brewer instead of Mark Farner, it was sung by him too.

2

Ah, how to describe the concert scene fifty years ago.

Rock was still edgy and new. And the only place you could get that hit was at the show. At this point, there wasn’t even “In Concert,” never mind “Don Kirshner’s Rock Concert.” Information was scarce, and we hoovered it all up. Primarily in rock magazines, like “Rolling Stone.”

The San Francisco rock magazine did a cover story on groupies in February 1969. But this was before almost anybody subscribed, before the publication became the heartbeat of a generation read by everyone.

But realizing this, and knowing the titillation of the topic, Jann Wenner turned the article into a paperback book and sold that, just like he ultimately did with his John Lennon interview, although that came out in hardcover. And I immediately sent away for it.

By today’s standards I wouldn’t even call the book R-rated. This was not the era of Pornhub, where sex is just a click away, sex was still taboo, never mind the fact that the U.S. was and still is a puritanical nation. But the sexual revolution was beginning, as a result of the birth control pill, and it was in full blossom on the road. That’s one of the reasons you became a rock star, for the sexual peccadilloes. You can’t even sing about them anymore, in the #MeToo era that’s taboo, never mind smartphone cameras and AIDS. It was a golden era, and most of America was clueless, but not these groupies.

The first focus was on Frank Zappa’s troupe of groupies who made an album as the GTOs. But that was in Los Angeles, LaLa Land, where everything was ahead and different, quite free. But in the rest of America… Groupies? Who’d a thunk?

Well it turned out many. Women. Who used their wiles to get backstage and service the band. They wanted to get closer. To the music and the men who made it. Boys were excluded. They could not pass the barrier, no way. But girls? It was simple if you were free and easy, like Connie Hamzy.

Oh, that’s another thing about so many rock stars, they like ’em young. Maybe because their development is stunted and they don’t know how to talk to the opposite sex. Or maybe they’re predators, like Gary Glitter. But my point here is there was no age barrier to becoming a groupie. If you’d developed, and that’s one thing the rockers were into, breasts were king in this pre-implant era, you had the magic key. Musicians weren’t interested in your mind, all their focus was below the belt.

But it got even crazier. The bands came and went, but the groupies remained. And word got around, who was in each city. And there is a groupie in Little Rock?

Now Bill Clinton is from Arkansas, but you’ve got to know fifty years ago the state was seen as a joke by anybody on the coast. Viewed as a backwater full of the uneducated and ignorant. The fact that there could be a groupie in Little Rock?

And it was much easier to be a groupie than a rock star. Men had to sweat and slave and be talented and persevere and get lucky to get up on stage and then be serviced by these women. But the women? Mostly they just had to be game.

And they got stories to tell. And stories are everything. Talk about EXPERIENCES! And they knew the rock stars. Sometimes they were even picked up and traveled with them. They were EXALTED!

3

So it’s the fall of 1973. “Houses of the Holy” had been out for months, “Stairway to Heaven” was already a radio staple, the number one song in the land, and the just released “Free Bird” was on its way to becoming number two. In other words, rock was now established and heavy and self-referential and… The thought that there was a real Sweet Connie in Little Rock who was just a teenager but a groupie to not only Grand Funk Railroad and others was unfathomable. Most figured she was just made up. The song seemed a fantasy.

And then “We’re an American Band” went to number one. And as a result, all the rock magazines which had pooh-poohed Grand Funk Railroad deigned to do a story about the band, and the hook was “Sweet Connie,” who turned out to be Connie Hamzy, who looked just like a regular suburban teenager. She’d crossed the line, she’d become famous. There were women like this all over America, WHERE DO I SIGN UP??

Yes, it turned out groupies were patently real. The hormones of young males spiked. They could get laid, if only they became rock stars.

4

Now Connie Hamzy and the original groupies faded away, except for Pamela Des Barres, who made a career on that identity. But then came “Almost Famous” and the internet and now everybody seemed to know about groupies, the two most famous being Connie Hamzy and Cynthia Plaster Caster, who made plaster casts of rock stars’ penises, and testified about it. And ultimately got into a fight with Frank Zappa’s original manager Herb Cohen over possession of said casts.

And occasionally TV would do a story on groupies. And Connie would get a mention. But then women flaunted their assets for free online and then turned them into a personal business. Why service the rock star when you can become a rock star yourself?

So, the groupies of yore became seen as quaint relics of a time gone by. Fading in the rearview mirror like the generation that was wowed by them to begin with.

And then on Saturday Connie Hamzy died.

Time is not kind. Look up the obits and you might be stunned that this was Connie Hamzy. In her sixties, after a life of hard living.

And she passed away nearly instantly, from a stomach pain that was suspected to be either liver or pancreas disease. There’s that hard living. And a probably untreated medical condition. Did Connie Hamzy have health insurance? Did she have any money? Was she afraid of going to the doctor, could she just not afford it?

Turns out Connie Hamzy was just an average American. Except for this one moment of fame. Which she traded on forevermore. It was the peak of her life, performing sexual favors for rock stars, when rock stars were the kings of the world, as wealthy as anybody, if not even more rich, doing what they wanted when they wanted. They were free, which we wanted to be. Their music inspired us, we felt if we could just get closer, we’d be complete.

Connie Hamzy did get closer. One can ask if the flame burned her. Then again, what would her life have been like without this flicker of fame?

5

Groupies shoot higher these days. They want to be trophy wives. For billionaires. Musicians come and go and the truth is rock is dead. As for rap, the women get no respect.

Then again, there’s a constant debate about the attire of women, what signal they’re sending.

But one thing about Connie and her compatriots, they were willing!

“Now these find ladies, they had a plan

They was out to meet the boys in the band

They said ‘Come on dudes, let’s get it on’

And we proceeded to tear that hotel down”

Grand Funk Railroad sang about groupies years after the scene was exposed, made famous, Frank Zappa had performed and recorded his mudshark routine years before. But now everybody was clued in. And prior to AIDS sex was the currency to get to acts like Def Leppard, who said they were serviced underneath the stage during the show!

But music no longer drives the culture. Stars may be brands, businesses, what they sing and what they have to say are secondary. Money is nice, but why bother to sing, just be a Kardashian!

But fifty years ago it was different. They might be dying dinosaurs today, but they roamed the earth back then. And if you had the right charm and willingness you could have an up close and personal experience. You gained access to the inner sanctum when almost no one else could, when it wasn’t about private islands and security gates, but the beefy bouncer checking to see if you had a backstage pass so you could go behind the curtain to meet the wizards.

But it was no dream. It was totally real.

If you were there you know. And today you’re sad. Because the most famous groupie of all time, a woman who lived for rock and roll, has passed away. Does the dream still live?

YOU BETCHA!

When you drop the needle on that record and turn it way up high and your body is shaking and your mind is cleared and you believe you’re a powerful member of the largest cult of your life…

YOU’RE AN AMERICAN FAN!

You’ve got gray hair, maybe not even any hair, but you still go to the show. Tickets are your most important asset. Live is the only place you can get that hit. You remember the way it used to be, the way you still want it to be, and like Connie Hamzy you’re forever a teenager, living on your memories.

But she got closer.

“Sweet Connie, Arkansas native that was subject of hit songs, dies at 66”: https://bit.ly/3881eCM

“Joan Rivers Sweet Sweet Connie”: https://bit.ly/3D4ao1o