1. Why do the slowest drivers drive in the fast lane?

I was rushing to UCLA hospital…

Now that sounds like I was in a crisis. But that is untrue. I was going for a routine scan, they’re checking my kidney stones, of which I’ve got a plethora… And you never know how long it’s gonna take, because they’re doing construction on the freeway. And on this particular day, today, I gauged it wrong, traffic was heavier than usual, and when I finally got on the 405 I was confronted with the question…fast lane or slow?

Felice has taught me the slow lane is oftentimes the fastest. You know, the one to the right. But because of said construction, traffic tends to be backed up at Sunset, and I was going all the way to Wilshire, so I decided to get in the fast lane. What a mistake!

First and foremost I’m behind an old Dodge van, so I can’t see a damn thing. But then everybody around me starts to speed up, and I’m confronted with that age old question, should I change lanes?

Finally I did.

And after doing this I noticed a huge gap in front of said Dodge. The driver wasn’t on the phone, he was just taking his sweet time. And it wasn’t an issue of acceleration/power, he maintained about a ten car gap between himself and the driver in front…

We live in a lawless country. In so many states, California included, it’s illegal to drive with a cell phone to your ear. But I see it all the time. Especially in the expensive cars driven by the people who believe they’re immune, that the laws don’t apply to them. Hell, why should they? They just pay off the politicians to go free and easy, and there aren’t enough cops to stop them.

And I know the days of three freeway lanes, slow, medium and fast, are behind us. Hell, there are already five lanes on the 405 and they’re adding a sixth, but didn’t these people learn in driver’s ed that slower traffic stays to the right?

2. Toilet paper rolls…

Actually, yesterday’s doctor, another routine check-up, at the House Ear Clinic, an appointment that’s almost impossible to get, you’ve got to make it months in advance, Steven Tyler called me Monday to go hear the new Aerosmith album and I said no, because I wouldn’t be able to hear the next morning for the test and I didn’t want to reschedule and wait until fall to see the doctor again, told me a great aphorism he heard from a friend in Tennessee…

"Life is like a roll of toilet paper, when you get to the end, it goes really fast!"

Ain’t that the truth. The doctor was remarking that it didn’t seem like a year since he’d seen me last, which is the same thing Felice said when I left the house.

And speaking of toilet paper, at UCLA this morning I went to the john and I noticed… The toilet paper had a tiny core.

Let me try to explain this…

Ever notice that toilet paper rolls have this huge, inch and a half or two (I’ve never measured it…) hole in the middle? Why? Is it an issue of leverage/torque, are they fearful we won’t be able to pull out the initial sheets?

Or is it just a scam. Manufacturers wanting us to believe we’re getting more than we are.

But at the hospital, the hole in the middle was positively tiny. The paper went right down to the middle.

This is a breakthrough we need at home.

3. Foreign language

I don’t hear that well. So when the people giving me the tests don’t speak the language that well, it spooks me.

Yesterday, the woman was Spanish. I don’t mean Latina, from Mexico, I mean she grew up overseas. And she’s giving me the hearing test and I can’t understand her. And when I try to tell her this, she can’t understand what I’m saying! And I want to make sure the test is right, and it’s a subjective one, unlike the ultrasound today…

And today, the woman was from Korea. And she was telling me to do things that seemed impossible… "Hold your breath and stick out your stomach…" Huh? Don’t we usually hold our breath and HOLD IN our stomachs? Was it an issue of communication? Was it a language barrier or…

And do you get a bad result if you don’t hold your breath during an ultrasound? Do I have to be uptight about this, or can I be cavalier? Does a powerful person talk on the cell phone during an ultrasound?

These are the questions that went through my mind today.