Universal Republic, to be exact.  Home of Chumbawamba as well as the distributor of Big Machine, home of Taylor Swift.

Actually, this is a joint venture between Republic and Big Machine.  In other words, Scott Borchetta is going to Taylorize Rebecca.

First move?

Rebecca’s gonna move into Scott Swift’s house.  Environment is everything.  Scott’s been there and done that, he knows how to get Rebecca on the right path.

Then there’s the credibility tour.  Taking a page out of Taylor’s book, Rebecca’s going to go on a radio station jaunt, just her and her guitar, proving to PDs that she can actually sing and play.

Meanwhile, the best songwriters known to man are concocting cuts that will truly catapult Rebecca into the stratosphere.

Dr. Luke has been saving a track for the right artist.  Ke$ha has already recorded backgrounds, she was the lead singer, but the track was too good for her marginal talent, Rebecca’s now got the slot.  And rumor has it Weezy is going to rap in the break.

Then there’s the duet with Lourdes.  Do you truly think Madonna’s progeny is going to be satisfied with being a fashion plate?  Lourdes is going to piggyback on Rebecca’s YouTube success and then branch into hosting a new version of TRL ("Total Request Live" for those too young to have a crush on Carson Daly).  The difference is TRL will now be a morning show.  MTV has decided to compete with "Today" and GMA, the youth network sees a huge opening here.  Meanwhile, Lourdes will be in NYC while her mother takes over a starring role in "Spider-Man".

No, Madonna, despite all her weight training, will not be taking over the male lead, she will play the love interest.  The Material Girl has brought Michael Cohl and Live Nation back together.  For the favor of saving his show, Cohl will now produce the fiftieth anniversary Stones tour in conjunction with Live Nation, profits to be split 50/50.  The real upside is in the ticket fees.  Kickback to the Stones is fifteen bucks a ticket, and along with platinum packages, Don Vaccaro and his TicketNetwork scalpers have been cut in on the ground floor.  Brokers have already paid up front for their tickets, allowing LN to bank the float.  In return, the brokers have gotten price protection, LN will make up any shortfall between face value and actual sale price if for some reason the tour is a stiff.  But insiders believe it’s a guaranteed sellout, because the shows will be opened by LCD Soundsystem.  Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen is in the wings if ducats don’t blow out instantly.

Meanwhile, with Live Nation artists U2 and Madonna invested in "Spider-Man", Nickelback has now decided to get in on the action.  Yes, Chad Kroeger is not only going to write three new songs for the production, he’s going to rewrite Bono and Edge’s material too.  It’s time to bring in a real hitmaker, a young person with a gift for hooks who truly knows the radio market.  And the cast album will be released before opening night.  The official one anyway, which has now been pushed back until Grammy weekend 2012.  Clive’s party will be held in the lobby of the theatre and the entire show will be broadcast live, in 3-D, on pay per view.  Meanwhile, said cast album will be produced by Robert John "Mutt" Lange.  There will be an extra CD of "inspired by" performances.  Shania Twain has been confirmed, as well as Seal.  The album will debut on Spotify and be given away free with 3-D TVs purchased at Wal-Mart.  Or, you can buy it at retail for $3.99.  Cohl and Live Nation realize, unlike the major labels, that it’s best to get product in the customers’ hands, that exposure will drive people to the show.  Furthermore, fresh off the closing of "American Idiot", Billie Joe Armstrong will also join the cast of "Spider-Man", and will be replaced by a rotating cast of blue chip rock musicians, a la "Rock Of Ages".  Dave Grohl is next, but rumors that a hologram of Kurt Cobain will grace the stage following the appearance of his once upon a time drummer are completely unfounded, however Courtney Love has tweeted she’s going to join the cast too.  But does anyone believe Courtney anymore?

But the big event before Grammy weekend will be Super Bowl 2012.  After having such great success with the Black Eyed Peas, Ms. Black will headline the halftime show.  Along with Willow Smith.  It’s a calculated effort to bring the youngsters to the NFL, to get them to bypass extreme sports and invest in the sport of their forefathers.

Of course, labor unrest may result in a canceled Super Bowl, but the best laid plans are always subject to the whims of reality.

Unlike Justin Bieber, Rebecca’s voice is not going to drop, there are no issues of puberty.  However she will not be getting breast implants immediately, they’re going to wait to see if she fills out before any plastic surgery is done. Britney Spears is Rebecca’s mentor.  Having made a full emotional recovery, Britney wants to insure that Rebecca doesn’t make the same mistakes she did.

But despite Scott Swift’s involvement, Taylor Swift wants no part of the Rebecca Black plan, other than a return on her investment.  Yes, Taylor is funding the whole thing.  Like Paul McCartney before her, who famously invested in music publishing, putting his money where his knowledge was, Taylor is going to silently invest in young talent, reaping the rewards of their hard work.  With recorded music income down, focus will be on merchandising, with each act getting a makeup and clothing deal with J.C. Penney, which is trying to brighten its image after the search engine optimization fiasco.  Target was the first choice, but GaGa burned that bridge.

As for Ark Music Factory?

That contract’s been voided.  Rebecca’s not eighteen and she was not represented by counsel and Patrice Wilson and his cronies are completely out.  Don Passman is pulling the strings.  Ms. Black’s mother bought his book on Amazon and decided to go with the Don, despite being descended upon by so many other barristers.

So for those who said Rebecca Black might be famous but hasn’t made any money, the joke’s on you.

Even if she never hits, the Republic Universal/Big Machine/Scott Swift/Taylor Swift engine has fully funded her college education, to the tune of $200,000.  If, for whatever reason, Rebecca does not continue to go to school, the money can be used by a relative.  However, it’s believed if Rebecca breaks, she’ll donate the money to charity, the same way Beyonce and Nelly Furtado and all the rest of the stars did after playing million dollar gigs for the Qaddafis.

It’s a veritable youthquake.  In other words, you’ve got to get traction before your period, you just can’t wait.  You must ignore the haters and follow your dream.  If you make great music there’s still tons of money left in the business, and anyone with ears knows that "Friday" is a hit, the biggest track of the year so far.  YouTube is the new SoundScan. Believe it.