ARETHA TRIBUTE

Enough to put Aretha six feet under.

Note to Christina…  SUBTLETY!  And just because you’re in the public eye that doesn’t mean anybody wants to pay to see you.  What planet are you living on?  AND LOSE THE HAND!

As to why Florence and Martina were there…can you say DEMOGRAPHICS?

At least Jennifer Hudson can sing, even if she does look like a completely different person.

PATRICK MONAHAN

What’s up with the hair?

Funny that a faceless band is interested in image.

(It’s the dude from Train, in case you didn’t know…)

LADY GAGA

The "60 Minutes" intro did her no favors.  She just looked uneducated and flavor of the moment.

Meanwhile, if you need to hold your hat on with your hand maybe you need to reconsider your outfit.

Not only did she steal Madonna’s song, she stole her whole act!

Didn’t anybody on her team realize this was "Express Yourself"?  Everybody online seemed to know instantly.  Madonna could sue her.  And maybe even win.  There’s no doubt about access.  As for substantial similarity?  I rest my case.

Meanwhile, didn’t anybody tell GaGa it was television?  You overdo it on Broadway, live in an arena, but looking like you’re on uppers does not work on TV.

WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

Sacrilegious, but at least someone still cares forty years on.  What was the name of that Lady GaGa song again?

8:35 PM

My inbox is filled with east coast viewers and attendees telling me who won the big awards.  Suspense?

MIRANDA LAMBERT

Look at those heels!  You might as well be wearing stilts!
So you’re short, is that a crime?  And it’s TV, we can’t tell!

LENNY KRAVITZ

Who’d he blow to get on this show?

MUSE

Wow, they’ve got their own stage set!  The three towers!  Not that it works on TV.

Never forget television robs rock of its magic.  Which is why when MTV found its stride it became about how you looked and special effects/creativity in videos, neither of which have anything to do with music.

Meanwhile, do we need the runners/dancers?

Forty years ago the BBC shoots the Eagles standing stock still, but now the music is no longer enough.  We’re going backwards.

BRUNO MARS, ET AL

It’s for the kids!

But I thought the rap in the middle actually worked against it.

Someone like Bruno Mars could never win on "American Idol", and ain’t that point.  It’s not about playing to America, but bringing America to you.

Bruno is closing me.

Now I’m bored.

It would be great to sweat to in the club but it’s hard to keep watching this, keep watching just about any music on TV.  Then again, remember that 9/11 tribute, with everybody from the Boss to Enrique Iglesias?  Then music was enough.  No backdrops, no dancing.

Janelle Monae…  If only she weren’t singing to tape, then maybe the song could breathe.

As for the crowd-surfing…  I thought the whites were supposed to rip off the blacks, not vice versa!

Your best chance to close people is with subtlety.  Just try throwing yourself at a love interest…  Get it?

ZAC BROWN

What’s up with the beanie?  At least put a cowboy hat on top, like Billy Gibbons.

Meanwhile, Jewel is nominated for a Grammy?  Could that be due to name recognition?

MOSH PIT

Why not make the entire floor GA?  That’s what the promoters in the audience would do, to sell more tickets, even though they say they only let in the same number of people as when there are seats…what b.s.

I mean maybe some real excitement instead of the industry stiffs. With a bar in the back.

EVA LONGORIA

Felice: "What does she have to do with music?"

JUSTIN BIEBER

They should have led with that 2007 clip.  At the top of the show.  Because the Grammys are about the latest, the greatest, the evanescent crap.  And nothing fits the equation like the Bieb.

Meanwhile, whenever I see this kid play an instrument I’m reminded of pre-teens in the basement.  So he can strum a guitar, who at that age can’t?

NINJAS IN THE HOUSE!  POUNDING DRUMS!

Give credit to Muse, at least they sang while the dancers performed.

The Bieb is so FAUX!  In leather, singing/dancing to beats, imitating every music video he’s ever seen.  He’s a mirror star!

Meanwhile, it’s not a bad song.  But performed at a level of sub-NKOTB amateurishness.

They used to say the Kennedys were America’s royalty  Now it appears to be the Smiths.

Meanwhile, shouldn’t the Black Eyed Peas be able to crash Usher’s set?  Isn’t turnabout fair play?

Felice: "It’s not music it’s entertainment."

Okay kiddies, it’s over.  Drink your milk, eat your cookies and go to bed.

MUSE

Best rock album of the year, I’ve got no problem with that.  They were the biggest SELLER!  It’s hard to have a winner which few have even heard.  I mean you can give honorary awards to the oldsters, but let’s not allow them to win for subpar new music.  If there’s gonna be any future in rock and roll the oldsters either have to lead or get out of the way.

LADY GAGA

You don’t play the biggest star of the night off.

Meanwhile, she must have cursed because the sound cut out.

TOP TEN

Academy President finally explains difference between "Record Of The Year" and "Song Of The Year".

That’s what we all want to know.  That’s everybody except those on the inside.

MUMFORD & SONS

Wow, it’s coming across as authentic.  Maybe it’s the warm visual tones that complement the music.  This is a career-making moment.  They’re gonna get a bigger bounce than anybody else on the show so far.  People know all the other acts, they don’t know Mumford, who are killing it, playing something anybody would definitely call music.

Energy, passion, authenticity.  Those are the keys to musical success, never forget it!

The performance is not perfect, which is why it works so well.  Play to tape at your peril.  Hard drives are for pussies.

AVETT BROTHERS

Wrong song for television.  Start off with energy.  Slow and meaningful only works when the audience is in a dark theatre and is forced to focus on you.

Now the song has sped up and revealed that…it’s just not good enough.

Good exposure, but no home run.

DYLAN

Funny, everybody in America is willing to work on Maggie’s Farm.  Yup, the plantation of the rich elite who pay ever fewer taxes as they oppress the rest of us.  I wonder why there’s no revolt here.

Meanwhile, the "Wall Street Journal" had it right, Dylan can no longer sing, he should hang it up.  Greatest songwriter of the rock generation (well, maybe that’s Joni Mitchell, and the Beatles are in their own category, but when it comes to lyrics…), but this endless victory lap has got to stop.  Embarrassing.

P.S.

I already know who won.  The show is running out of steam, like me, and half of my audience is already asleep.