Country is a state of mind. It’s about family and hearth, boozing and telling your story. Oh, it’s not only the pretty faces singing the songs of writers for hire, the tent is bigger than that, it’s got room for the authenticity of Steve Earle and all the players in Austin. But it’s not about corporate America first, Madison Avenue and the big bucks. It’s about a scene, that doesn’t garner enough respect. If I lived in Nashville, if I was in the country music business, I’d freeze Bon Jovi out, labeling them as the carpetbaggers they truly are.

Bon Jovi made one spectacular album, the best hair metal record of all time, and they’ve been coasting on their laurels ever since. You can chalk up "Slippery When Wet"’s success to two people, and they’re not Jon Bon Jovi or Richie Sambora, but Desmond Child and Bruce Fairbairn. Desmond provided the tunes, and Bruce turned them into anthems.

Oh, they tried to repeat the formula with "New Jersey", but this effort was as futile as AC/DC trying to follow up "Back In Black" with "For Those About To Rock We Salute You". Bon Jovi stumbled into a formula, and like the cold, calculating businessman he truly is, Jon Bon Jovi tried to repeat it, seemingly note for note. Hell, that’s what he did with his movie theme. I love "Blaze Of Glory", but he could sue himself for PLAGIARISM!

But then Bon Jovi, believing they truly had the talent, stopped working with the mastermind Fairbairn, and except for the two cuts cowritten with Mr. Child on "Keep The Faith" (the title cut and "I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead"), the album was forgettable. Hell, Bon Jovi has never done anything great since.

But all those boys and girls lost their virginity to "Livin’ On A Prayer". "Slippery When Wet" was the soundtrack to their high school years. They want to pay inflated prices to go see the band live, to remember when they still had hair, before babies ruined their figures.

Oh, Bon Jovi works it. The man with no heart makes deals with the NFL, he keeps himself in the public eye. He and his band just can’t get any significant radio action, no traction where the new fans reside, no purchase on the consciousness of America at large, and this must drive Jon NUTS!

So, rather than accepting his fate, rather than making better music, rather than biting the hand that feeds him, railing against not only rock radio, but Top Forty, Bon Jovi’s left for greener pastures. The country world. Where guitars are still welcome.

Jon whoops it up before the verse even begins, like he’s a cowboy at a rodeo. And affects an arena rock voice that he tempers down seemingly for intimacy, even though it’s straightforward honesty that works in the country world. But it gets worse, is that a fucking BANJO I HEAR IN THE BACKGROUND?

This is akin to blackface. Jon and his crew have just embraced the TRAPPINGS of country, to try and move in and make a buck.

Of course they couldn’t write the song themselves. But rather than employing a Nashvilleite, they’ve got John Shanks cowriting here. As if the heart of country was HOLLYWOOD!

"Lost Highway" is so calculated, such a dash for cash, that if one weren’t so deeply offended, one would LAUGH!

But this is bigger than Bon Jovi. Why is it that these rockers have to cross the line and adjust their sound for country radio? What’s wrong with rock music that traditional stations won’t play it?

Rock on the radio? Well, it’s basically classic. Or shit so hard your head is gonna explode. If you’re three chords and a guitar, you’re fucked, you’d better get a day job. The sound you play, the sound of America, THERE’S NO ROOM FOR IT!

It’s like some bizarre political story. Country sans natural resource invades its mineral rich neighbor to take what it needs. Bon Jovi doesn’t WANT to go country, but they need to stay big, need to be an arena act, be all over the media, and if that means they’ve got to invade a completely different radio format SO BE IT!

Now I’m not saying you can’t be country if you’re from New Jersey. Country’s a state of mind. But if you’ve been hanging at the Power Station strumming your Les Paul in a wall of sound chances are you’ve got NO INTEREST in picking up an acoustic and picking it as you tell tales of pickup trucks in the barren flatlands. Don’t you remember? Tommy used to work on the DOCKS! There’s no water in Nashville, no place they’re unloading cargo from far far away.

Rockers see country radio like fat girls. Think they’re both easy. Well, I’ll tell you, fat girls are people too. They’ve got their dignity. They won’t spread their legs for just ANYBODY! Hell, there’s a fat girl SCENE, just like there’s a country music SCENE! If you want to fuck a fat girl, you’ve got to respect her. And if you want to play country, you’ve got to respect the medium. There’s no respect here. Just a wink and a smile as the Nashville world is used for Bon Jovi’s ends.

If I lived in Nashville, if I worked in country music, if I was a country music fan, I’d only have two words for Bon Jovi: FUCK YOU!