1. Avril Lavigne "Best Damn Thing"

Sales this week: 121,630
Cume: 408,509

The best damn thing is those not interested NEVER EVER HAVE TO HEAR IT!

The mainstream is now niche, it’s a sideshow.  Crossing over?  How are you going to reach people who are not paying attention?

In an era where you can customize your news at Yahoo, do you think people are going to be spoon-fed crap via bogus terrestrial radio and behind the times print?

I don’t think so…

2. Joe "Ain’t Nothing Like Me"

Sales this week: 98,090
Debut

Isn’t this the braggadocio that helped put the urban sound in the dumper?

Now there are retailers and label people following this act closely.

The rest of us, we just don’t care!

Joe, is that the same as Fat Joe?  Which Joe is this?

It all slides right by us in the endless menagerie of overhyped crap sold by baby boomers looking to maintain their lifestyles.

3. Nine Inch Nails "Year Zero"

Sales this week: 57,666
Cume: 245,929

Why it’s bad to be a label today.  Disc sales don’t count.  It’s about the TOUR!  And Trent’s "Year Zero" hype, driven by USB sticks and Web-hysteria, spoke to his core, which will all attend the show at a high price.  And his core will buy this album.  As for breaking through to the casual buyer?  Trent seems to be abandoning him.  With no TV play, and no terrestrial radio play, and fear that if he gets it it will alienate his core fan base, Trent is focusing JUST on his core fan base.  Trent knows it’s 2007.  Do you?

5. Daughtry

Sales this week: 48,505
Cume: 2,359,037

A phenomenon.

If you’re crowing about this, if you think this is important, then you’ve got a piece of this disc or are Daughtry himself.

Daughtry was the beneficiary of TV exposure.  He made a decent record as opposed to a Clive Davis bland pop concoction.  I think the point here is if you have decent songs, all that exposure can help you sell records.  IN THE TRADITIONAL SPHERE!

As for a hard core fan base, longevity…  That will elude this man.  He should save his money!

7. Arctic Monkeys "Favourite Worst Nightmare"

Sales this week: 44,149
Debut

Could that be the one wherein an overhyped English band gets no traction in America?

This is the album’s peak.  It’s down, down, down from here.

9. Martina McBride "Waking Up Laughing"

Sales this week: 37,116
Cume: 277,038

She’s laughing because she’s in the country world, where the ability to play and sing still count, where fan loyalty rivals that of the classic rock era.  Sure, disc sales are down, but there’s a tour, and she’s not starting over from ZERO on her next album!

11. Amy Winehouse "Back To Black"

Sales this week: 34,323
Cume: 297,112

Word of mouth and indie retail are selling this record.  And they’re more powerful than any publicist created conquer the world hype plan.  This record continues to sell as people get the word.  I wouldn’t want to hold tickets for a canceled show, but Amy’s a rock star of the old stripe.  Doing whatever she wants, fuck the system.  Getting drunk.  Speaking her mind.  As opposed to Jon Bon Jovi perfectly coiffed and loving everybody.  Make me puke.

14. Timbaland "Timbaland Presents Shock Value"

Sales this week: 31,179
Cume: 267,896

Guess he’s no Dr. Dre.

The man behind the hits gets his big solo chance and blows it.  Word on the street is this record is just not that good.  And the street buzz COUNTS!

16. Joss Stone "Introducing Joss Stone"

Sales this week: 28,910
Cume: 305,232

Toast.

Oh, don’t argue with me, don’t tell me you’d like a piece of the billing.  Point is after all the hype, all the ink, almost nobody cares.  She’s peaked.  Unless she releases a sex tape…

17. Justin Timberlake "Future Sex/Love Sounds"

Sales this week: 26,093
Cume: 3,174,997

If you’re salivating over this number, you’re in trouble.

Okay, you’re gonna get someone ubiquitous, hook them up with an established producer and make a record for the CLUB!

Have you ever been to a club?  IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MUSIC!  It’s about touching other people, it’s about TRYING TO GET LAID!

You know we’re in trouble when music is the special sauce and not the burger.

Indies realize you can’t shoot for the moon.  It leaves too many people out.  The majors are shooting for an ever-smaller green surrounded by water.  We all want a hole-in-one, but isn’t that a lucky shot (and I’ve had one!)

This record is meaningless.  Toast the cash generated, count the babies born, but there’s no viable blueprint here, not for going forward.

18. Nickelback "All The Right Reasons"

Sales this week: 26,012
Cume: 5,278,400

Funny, there’s no straight ahead rock record above this one on the chart.  And it’s been on for over 82 weeks.  Longer than anything else in the Top 50!

Is Nickelback unique?  Are they working a new paradigm?  Is there nothing to be learned?

No, Nickelback is a straight ahead rock band with catchy tunes.  An impossible formula to duplicate?  No!  So then how come almost nobody else IS!

Fuck the pretty faces.  Find a band, that doesn’t even have to look good.  Let them play their own guitars, let them rock.  You just might end up with a career.

This is how it was done in the seventies.  Find rock band, develop their career ("How You Remind Me" was not on Nickelback’s first record).  And then reap the rewards for years as the fan base grows.  Nickelback is the most important record on this chart.  But most people working at major labels don’t know it.  They’d rather sell something more obvious, something that they have more control over.

22. Neil Sedaka "Definitive Collection"

Sales this week: 24,152
Debut

Either you read the "Wall Street Journal" or you don’t.

Yup, the business paper of record had the story.  These were almost all sold on QVC!

Razor & Tie is a more savvy label than the majors.  They realize if you want to sell discs, you’ve got to sell them very fast, via TV exposure.  Real records have a lifespan, project records, concept records, records made for MONEY, have a brief shelf life, based on mania.

They created the mania here.  The point you’re not aware of it PROVES the point.  It’s not about a self-congratulatory ad in "Billboard", it’s not about Top Forty airplay, it’s about figuring out new, innovative ways to SELL MUSIC!

23. Rascal Flatts "Me and My Gang"

Sales this week: 23,871
Cume: 3,976,472

There’s just a little bit of magic in that country music they’re singing…

25. Corinne Bailey Rae

Sales this week: 22,171
Cume: 1,450,568

If this is a star, I’m resigning from the music club.

Music made for men without dicks and women who wince when they hear four letter words.  Spin it at your cocktail party, but take it off when I arrive.  It’s gonna put me to sleep.  Music should make your dick hard, whether it’s Mozart or Metallica.  This doesn’t.

39. Modest Mouse "We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Sales this week: 14,871
Cume: 267,405

You most certainly were.  Yup, your label ran you up the flagpole.  They thought they established a base.  But you’re still an indie act, minus some cred.

You can be all over TV, but you’re probably just flavor of the moment.

40. Pink "I’m Not Dead"

Sales this week: 14,766
Cume: 714,235

Number one at Top Forty radio and not even 15,000 people buy this disc?  In other words, Top Forty radio just doesn’t mean that much.  Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

44. Bright Eyes "Cassadaga"

Sales this week: 13,607
Cume: 92,540

What’s wrong with music today.

The lyrics are positively sophomoric.  The music is far from memorable.  But the media heralds him as the new white singer-songwriter hope.

Just imagine that you like that music.  And you buy this disc.  YOU MAY NEVER BUY ANOTHER CD AGAIN!

And it’s not like his fan base is even that big.  He’s not even at 100,000?

And he’s nearing thirty.  He’s no longer a boy genius.

God, at least hype me on something good.  Otherwise I’m going back to my Jackson Browne albums.

45. John Mayer "Continuum"

Sales this week: 13,473
Cume: 1,636,475

He’s overexposed, he’s fucking a nimrod, but he still sells records because he’s got a modicum of TALENT!

Take that Conor Oberst!

I don’t often choose to listen, but I’ve got to say that "Waiting On The World To Change" is LISTENABLE!

But how long do we have to wait until the NEW acts are better than the OLD acts.  Or AT LEAST AS GOOD!

51. Elton John "Rocket Man-Number 1’s"

Sales this week: 12,435
Cume: 115,735

This is what the business is surviving on…  REPACKAGES!

That’s why you can’t start a new label, that’s why DreamWorks folded its tent.  You need a CATALOGUE!

I love Elton but he needs some discipline.

Then again, his voice has never been the same since his throat operation.

But he did cut "Club At The End Of The Street" thereafter.  And "Blue Avenue".

And "Birds" on the recent "Peachtree Road" is quite decent.

He needs a manager.  Not one like Merck with the bogus idea of making a sequel to one of his classic albums (as if that wasn’t doomed to failure, by COMPARISON if nothing else), but one who’ll push him to do great work, by saying most of what he’s put out recently SUCKS!

But, the dirty little secret is, if Elton did make a great new record, it still wouldn’t sell.  Because there’s nowhere to expose it!  Oh, he could do well with the soundtrack to an animated movie, but without some kind of tie-in, on the back of mega-marketing dollars, a classic rock musician can no longer sell discs.  Most of them have nothing left to say, but if you do, nobody wants to hear it.  You’re older, you’re wiser, and you’re on the scrapheap.

Then again, you can probably still get a blowjob after the show!

60. Patti Smith "Twelve"

Sales this week: 11,127
Debut

I told you so.

Why even bother to make these albums?

God, this is some of her most palatable work!  The jerk-offs in the press were creaming in their jeans about it.  But almost NO ONE cares.

Her label should have saved all the production costs.  She should have cut just a couple of covers at home, and given them away for free on her Website, or MySpace.  There’d be MORE of a story, and people might actually check the tracks out and her live business might have gone up.

But no, we’ve got an ALBUM!  Worked the traditional way.

Tradition died, just in case you didn’t get the memo…

64. Jennifer Lopez "Como Ama Una Mujer"

Sales this week: 10,646
Cume: 124,643

She was all over the media, even coaching contestants on "American Idol" how to sing (ain’t that a laugh), but she STILL couldn’t sell her record.

Cheap shots don’t work.  And most Latin singers REALLY CAN!

71. Snoop Dogg "Presents The Big Squeeze"

Sales this week 9,607
Debut

This is like the Oprah channel on XM.  Why the fuck do we want it if she’s not on it?

How fucking stupid are the marketers.  How fucking stupid is the label that gave Snoop this deal in an era where almost NOBODY can sell a record and rap sales are falling…

84. Arcade Fire "Neon Bible"

Sales this week: 8,202
Cume: 216,874

Would they have sold just as many without the "New York Times Magazine" and SNL?

Yes, they would have.

It’s a cult band with a rabid fan base.  By trying to reach new people via the traditional means you’re actually going BACKWARDS!  Put out great shit, establish a fan base, have people PULL the music.  No one is interested in having shit pushed upon them today (and that’s for all you assholes who sign me up for your e-mail blasts without asking me first…like I’m going to READ them?)

99. Good Charlotte "Good Morning Revival"

Sales this week: 7,150
Cume: 122,126

Fucking Hilary Duff does nothing for your cred.

I hate these guys just from seeing them on awards shows.  Back when I used to watch awards shows…

________________________________________

God, I could go on and on, but the point is selling albums IS NOT the point.  It’s about establishing careers, and making money from all 360 degrees of revenue.

Hell, don’t even put out albums.  Why keep yourself out of the public eye for all the time it takes to make them?

Watch your tour grosses, not your album sales.  They should be going up in every market.

No one hears most of this crap.  Let people hear it for free or you’re playing with one arm tied behind your back.  Make it available on MySpace, YouTube and your own site.  In an era where most people have not heard the number one record, what chance is there that they’re going to hear YOURS?

And don’t throw in with the major on other revenue streams.  There’s no one working there anymore and none of them know the tour/ancillary business.  Cliff Burnstein and Irving Azoff can recite the numbers in their sleep, they know where every dollar is buried.  The label guys know the restaurants and the number of the limo company.  They know lifestyle, not career.  They just care that SOMETHING hits.  Whereas the manager has to have essentially ALL of his artists do well.  Hell, no one’s gonna sign with a manager who has over a hundred acts.

Or, one can ask, how hungry are you?  A manager doesn’t get paid unless you do.  That’s a great incentive.

As for discs themselves…  We live in an iPod world.  And ONLY an iPod world.  You think it’s about DRM?  No, it’s about that connector on the bottom of each device, that slot that not only transfers your tracks and charges your iPod, but the one that hooks up to a WORLD of accessories.  No one’s invading the iPod’s turf.  Hell, Creative just started emphasizing iPod ACCESSORIES!

Get your music on that iPod.  Where not only its owner can hear it, but his friends, at the beach, at parties, via speakers.  Radio used to be the gatekeeper, now the iPod is.  Shit, you should PAY Apple to sell the device pre-loaded with your crap.  But Apple won’t do this, because they know it’s crap, and they know we live in an individualist society, where people only want EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT!  Which touches their souls, not their little sister’s…

The revolution is here!  The fact that the major labels can’t figure out how to play, can’t figure out a reasonable form of online distribution, has NOTHING to do with the music itself.  Music is getting healthier by the minute.  Unrestrained, musicians are following their creativity.  The fact that we’re not exposed to much of the good stuff?  That’s gonna change.  Word of mouth already helps, but someone’s gonna establish a great filter, and it won’t be Pandora or MTV or Yahoo, but something closer to Critical Metrics.  And then we’ll know where to go.

As for now, these SoundScan numbers are like the Dead Sea Scrolls.  Evidence of a long lost world that’s never coming back.