Now even I want to fuck John Taylor.

I only know Steve Jones as the guy who used to ride his motorcycle right up to the front door of his apartment in Beverly Hills, right next door to that of my quasi in-laws.

Well, I know Jonesy as the guitarist of the Sex Pistols.

But that was a long time ago.  How does Jonesy survive today?

By being a deejay.

You might not have gotten the memo if you don’t live in L.A., but Steve Jones is the middle of the day deejay, the anchor of Indie 103.1, L.A.’s hippest radio station (oh, if you think it’s KROQ, you’re not listening…KROQ is like MTV, a has-been playing to a lowest common denominator.)

So Jonesy has got this new show, Jonesy’s Jukebox Jury, where they play seven or eight tracks and four jurors comment.

Yesterday, I was a juror.

It was me.  Shepard Fairey, art director, designer of Black Eyed Peas albums and the Indie 103.1 logo.  Kate Sullivan, music editor of the "L.A. Weekly".  And John Taylor, of Duran Duran.

I thought they would greet me with open arms, after all, they tracked ME down.

But Jonesy seemed to have no idea who I was.

Oh, the office was glorious, like out of a movie set.

Then I found out all those desks were related to the Spanish stations, and Indie 103.1 was just an outpost, an oasis in the vast sea of foreign language revenue generators.

So I’m led through security into the tiny studio, where Jonesy is speaking with some guy, whom I ultimately find out is Shepard Fairey.

Now yesterday it was raining in L.A.  Not that bad, not a downpour, you didn’t even need an umbrella.  But Jonesy was dressed for a brisk English morning, as if he just blew the cold off his hands before entering the studio.  He had a military jacket on, buttoned all the way up to his chin.  And a white knit cap.

I figured he’d release the ensemble as the show wore on.

No.

Who looks like this, who dresses like this?  A ROCK STAR!

For a member of an intense, limit-testing band, Jonesy was low-key and friendly.  You’d never know he was a Sex Pistol unless YOU KNEW!

When Jonesy asked me my story, I knew I was in trouble.  This was gonna be an uphill fight.  Shit, you get used to having a profile, people knowing who you are, what to expect, it’s weird to be that asshole with an opinion that everybody derides again.

And then in came John and Kate.

Kate…  A short, effervescent chick with a smile on her face.  Who seems to have dedicated her life to rock and roll.

John Taylor…  An ADONIS!

Over forty, but not overweight.

Yet not plastic-surgeried to youth.

He had no attitude, he had a smile on his face.  What must HIS life been like?  Oh, to be THAT good-looking and charismatic.  Shit, his biography must be MUCH different from mine!

And then we go live, and Jonesy asks us all for a bit of history.

And John says "I start bands."

I butt in, did he START Duran Duran?

YUP!

And then the show began.

We ended up listening to eight tracks.  Each one of them SUCKED!

Well, you had to say "pants" or "mustard".  Don’t ask me why.  Shit, I can’t even remember.  I believe pants was bad, mustard good.  But there were so many variations, "pantaloons", "Gulden’s mustard"…

And John’s being charitable, and Shepard, who’s also a deejay, a CLUB deejay, isn’t being TOO negative.  You can tell Kate wants to say worse shit, but doesn’t.  But me?  Hell, isn’t that what you pay me for, THE TRUTH?

Well, I wasn’t getting paid.

And it was like "Springtime For Hitler".  Their mouths were agape.

They all hated Pearl Jam’s cover of "Love, Reign O’er Me", but when I start desecrating Eddie Vedder they were speechless.  Until Jonesy asked me whether I’d say that IN FRONT OF EDDIE!

OF COURSE!

Shit, that’s the territory.  You become famous, you take the barbs.  THAT’S WHAT YOU GET PAID FOR!

And I can’t get over Eddie lying about his past.  Saying he was a brooding social misfit when he was the star of his high school play, one of the most popular kids in his class.

Oh, the tracks…  Most of them you’d never know.  Except for Goldfrapp.  I kind of liked that.  I gave it yellow mustard.  And John liked where she was coming from.  But Shepard and Kate weren’t into it.

And that was fascinating.  The more out there, the crunchier and more offensive the guitars were, the more everybody else liked the tracks, and the more I hated them.  It was like we were coming from different universes.  And the other three started referencing bands I’d never heard of.  I felt a bit inadequate.  But these acts…DID ANYBODY GIVE A SHIT?

It seems there’s an insular world, and I’m not a member.  But is anybody other than those in the indie rock world?  Is what’s hip a SIDESHOW?  Is "American Idol" more mainstream, more PALATABLE than this crap?  And like I said, except for a very few very mild mustards, everybody else hated all the tracks too.

And then John posited that it had all been done.  That after decades, maybe you couldn’t say anything new with a guitar, bass and drums.  Not that he was complaining.  Just slipping out an idea, like a woman married to another guy, and not exquisitely happy about it, flirting with you.  Oh, she’s got no intention of leaving her spouse, but you feel some sort of CONNECTION!

And since conversation had slowed down, since I seemed the only one UP, I took control, I started asking John Taylor questions.  After all, I had a bona fide rock star in my presence!

I mean I’m not star-struck.  But this guy wasn’t aloof, and wasn’t an asshole.  It was like sitting down with James Bond.

I asked how Duran Duran had come back, after laying fallow for years.  I’d seen them at KROQ’s Acoustic Christmas in 1991, when they’d closed the show, and debuted "Ordinary World".

"Ah…’, John chuckled.

They needed to write a hit.

But they weren’t coming up with one.

The deal was they’d write a few songs and bring them into Capitol.  And then they’d get more money.  They were being paid by the week.  Since they’d blown through so much MONEY!

Oh, the expression on John’s face as he said this.  Revealing truth, yet laughing.  Like he’d lived a life you never would, but was not putting you down for it.  Hell, isn’t that what a rock star DOES?

Well, finally they went into Capitol with "Ordinary World", and the label gave them a budget for a complete album.

Actually, that record had two great tracks, "Ordinary World" and "Come Undone".

Not that they’ve been able to equal them since.  But shit, it doesn’t matter in the eyes of their fortysomething audience, who loved them back then.

And I was enraptured by "Girls On Film".  I own "Rio".  But Simon LeBon was always a bit puffy, a bit over the top.

But that good-looking guy in the background, playing bass…  There WAS something ABOUT that guy.

There still is.

Oh, he didn’t want my e-mail address after, didn’t want to keep in contact.

None of them did.

Except for the producer, who said they might call me again.

I did a good job, didn’t I?  It’s RADIO, isn’t it?  It’s about ENTERTAINMENT, right?

Actually, Kate finally realized who I was when I referenced that I did a Sunday night show on KLSX while doing MY bio on the air.  She pointed at me and said YOU’RE THAT GUY!  I LOVE THAT SHOW!

And I’m walking out of the building.  Feeling a bit shitty about myself.  Like I’m the same asshole I’ve ever been.  Twentysomething, looking for my future, futilely, once again.

But to be in the presence of two rock stars, to feel their CHARISMA!  That was WORTH IT!