1. Hannah Montana Soundtrack

Sales this week: 203,475
Cume: 485,302

It’s about the Disney Channel.  Getting all those eyeballs, reaching critical mass.

But even more, it’s about nine year olds.  And younger.

If you’ve got children, if you ever WERE a child, and I know you were, you know what it’s like to shop with kids.  They WANT something.  And if you don’t get it for them, you’re never gonna hear the end of it.  So, why not look like a hero for ten bucks.  Your kid will love you, the only problem is you’re gonna have to hear this tripe over and over again in the car.

But at least it’s not about bitches and ho’s.

But, let’s be clear, this IS NOT about the music.  Put goose farts, put ANYTHING on this disc and kids will buy it.  It’s a souvenir!

And that’s why this disc still matters.  It’s about little kids OWNING SOMETHING!

Furthermore, if this were a phenomenon, wouldn’t sales be MUCH BETTER?

In other words, this is not the million copies a week sales of the boy bands.  This is more akin to those cartoon records you used to buy as a kid (I LOVED my "Ruff & Reddy" LP!)

2. Barry Manilow "The Greatest Songs Of The Sixties"

Sales this week: 201,904
Debut

He’s got fans.  Singing catchy tunes, not seeming to possess an ego, Barry’s audience LOVES HIM!

No ego?

If you don’t know this, you haven’t seen the man in concert.  He’d make just about anybody a fan.  Because he’s got talent, but he doesn’t say it’s earthshaking, he’s just there to play.  In other words, it’s like the era BEFORE rock.  The music is just there to please the ear, it doesn’t mean anything.

Speaking of the music, if you’re over forty and record for Clive Davis do you HAVE to do covers from the days of yore?

This record is a complete cheap shot.  A pure marketing exploit.  It’s like a has-been singing in a Vegas lounge.  I know you were freaked out by the less than stellar sales you had on Concord, but Barry, did you lose your BALLS?

Working for Clive is like living in a wax museum.  Where everybody looks like who they used to be, but inside…they’re inert.

3. Birdman & Lil’ Wayne "Like Father, Like Son"

Sales this week: 176,337
Debut

Call it a comeback.  For Cash Money Records.

But coming back in the rap world is like coming back in the tennis world.  You’re somebody in a declining market, you’re functioning in a depleted area.  But at least in tennis, most of the sponsors are still there.  There’s a lot less cash money for rappers than there used to be.

Because it became about swagger rather than message.

And when MTV and Top Forty radio went seemingly completely urban, not only the rock fan tuned out, but the middle American, who was keeping rap on the forefront, wanting to be into the next big thing.

Hip-hop WILL live forever, but despite the high profile of Russell Simmons, it’s peaked.

6. My Chemical Romance "The Black Parade"

Sales this week: 86,081
Cume: 326,717

Best reviewed record this year.

As if that meant anything.

The days of record reviews impacting sales went with the fold in "Rolling Stone".  Yes, Pitchforkmedia has an impact, but the site functions in a relatively narrow world.  And until there are trusted sites for all genres, reviews will continue to mean nothing.

My Chemical Romance is perceived to be an MTV act.  And if you no longer watch MTV, WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO HEAR/SEE THEM?

In other words, no matter HOW good the reviews are, you’re not going to reach much more than fans.  Which is why sales dropped 64% this week.

The mainstream is a backwater.

8. Meat Loaf "Bat Out Of Hell III"

Sales this week: 80,693
Debut

The third time is not a charm.

The second one sold on the video.  As if MTV is gonna feature 59 year old Marvin Lee Aday on its channel…

Since "Bat Out Of Hell" is a worldwide phenomenon, this will not completely stiff.  But, when you add up all the sales the one word you will utter is: DISAPPOINTMENT!

13. Beyonce "B’Day"

Sales this week: 58,823
Cume: 1,098,335

14. Fergie "Dutchess"

Sales this week: 55,358
Cume: 461,778

Beyonce bounced up 37%.  Fergie 46%.  Because their desperate labels have pulled out all the stops to drive new singles up the chart.

So, hit singles drive album sales.  Whoa, this is NEWS to you?  Exposure helps sell product.  Why do you think all those companies lined up to participate in Mark Burnett’s "Gold Rush"?

What’s more fascinating is that these two acts can’t make a significant sales impact WITHOUT hit singles.  The acts of yore had identities that would sell records IRRELEVANT of hits.  Look at "Dark Side Of The Moon", number 6 on the Catalog chart, moving 9,975 copies this week, for a cume of 7,825,153 in the SoundScan era.  The Doors are number 4, with 3,435,878.  Bob Seger is number 7, with 7,766,961.  Where’s Whitney Houston?  NOT ON THE CHART!!

In other words, the dinosaurs are paying off for labels where not a single soul working there when the act was signed is STILL THERE!

But today’s execs don’t care about tomorrow.  They don’t plan on BEING THERE!  It’s all short term, all today.

Computers might be eclipsed technologically in short order, but not art.  Great art is lasting.

The Beyonce and Fergie records are of the moment forgettable crap.  And when this moment is gone, they will be too.

16. Tony Bennett "Duets: American Classic"

Sales this week: 51,820
Cume: 607,957

Okay, we’ve got a new paradigm.  When you hit seventy, maybe even sixty five, how long will disc sales last ANYWAY, you’ve got to call up every famous act of today to come sing a duet with you on your "final" album.

Hell, if the labels are smart, they won’t even ship a disc in the jewel box.  No one really listens to this shit, not much.  It’s a MARKETING EXERCISE!

So the paradigm is set.  Look at all those English rockers, they’re coming up in age.  The next Stones record must feature ROBBIE WILLIAMS!

And the aforementioned Bob Seger has to duet with the soon to be divorced Britney.

See how easy it is?  MUCH easier than finding worthwhile new acts and figuring out a way to sell them.

19. Carrie Underwood "Some Hearts"

Sales this week: 45,130
Cume: 3,650,575

Faith Hill freak out

All you need to know.

Prick the skin of any multiplatinum act and you’ll find someone with a giant ego who’s dedicated their life to making it (yes, even Barry Manilow, the ego-less chap is just an IMAGE!)

Yup, it’s just that hard to break through.

So when they talk about luck, when they’re nice in public, it’s all a sham.  Nice guys don’t have hit records.

But the fascinating thing here is how EVERYBODY has seen this video.  Certainly everybody who’s interested in buying a Faith Hill record.  Shit, search on YouTube, under "Faith Hill CMA".  There are multiple videos, many of them viewed a MILLION times!

So, watch your back.  Everything you do is on camera.  If you’re carefully honing an image that doesn’t square with reality, you’re gonna get caught.

As for Faith’s career…

It will forever change her image.  But, if she records hits, her sales will still sustain.

But I felt that by saying it was a joke…  Does ANYBODY believe these ridiculous mea culpas anymore?  Why not be honest.  Say she was stressed out.  Oh right, we live in a land of dishonesty.  Never mind.

23. The Fray "How To Save A Life"

Sales this week: 39,541
Cume: 1,156,389

The life in question would be Charlie Walk’s.

26. JoJo "High Road"

Sales this week: 34,746
Cume: 189,112

Which is not what Universal took in the promotion of the single.

You make a deal with Spitzer.  Then you STILL pay money for radio play, just saying it was done by the imprint that the act is signed to?

So, in other words, will every act now have its own label name, so that cash can be funneled to radio stations, for airplay?

In other words, the fucks at Universal are lying steaming sacks of scumbag shit.  Wait, did you think any different?

41. Beck "Information"

Sales this week: 19,816
Cume: 209,298

I heard him on the radio just today.  On Sirius 24, Disorder.  After the mellifluous intro by the deejay I listened…  And heard something that needed more production and a lot more hooks.

Are you pissed off YET?

It’s not that Beck is bad, it’s just that he’s NOT THAT FUCKING GOOD!

You like him?  Fine with me.  But the more you trumpet him as being great, as evidence of a burgeoning music scene, the more the general public scratches its head and tunes out.  If this is the best we’ve got, we’re in trouble.  Oops!  We’re ALREADY in trouble!

Listen to the Backstreet Boys’ "Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)".  Great rhythm, great changes, great VOICES!  You wonder why the act was such a big seller?

I thought that when the boy band era was over, we’d have acts with great voices, singing melodies, with hooks.

But Justin jumped into beatworld.  The infrastructure convinced itself that we live in a hip-hop nation.  That that catchy boy band music was a blip on the radar screen.

Cut more music with melody, more BEATLE music, and you’ll be stunned how healthy this business will be.

48. Lady Sovereign "Public Warning"

Sales this week: 18,296
Debut

Another one bites the dust.

We might have believed Missy Elliott came from the street, but some little chick from England?

To make it in hip-hop, you’ve got to appear credible.  Maybe if she hauled off and shot someone…

Or if Jay-Z stopped coming back and really ran the label.

58. Sarah McLachlan "Wintersong"

Sales this week: 17,026
Cume: 54,631 (after 3 weeks)

This is bad.  Very bad.

Could it be that Clive Davis is trying to teach Terry McBride a lesson?  And not promoting this album because Terry’s gonna yank Sarah and make her cottage industry, like the Barenaked Ladies?

Or, could it be that no one really cares anymore…

Sarah’s got a great voice.  Did a good job with Lilith Fair.  But unlike the person who wrote "River" on this record, Joni Mitchell, Sarah never wrote material for the ages, it was more about her voice.

Will there be a classic rock II, when all the acts from the nineties and twenty first century get their own radio station?

I doubt it.

66. Sting "Songs From The Labyrinth"

Sales this week: 14,684
Cume: 86,656

Why did Sting make this record?  To prove that he’s BETTER THAN US?  Hell, we already KNEW HE THOUGHT THAT!

There were no Jaguars in the sixteenth century, no big corporations Sting can tie in with to sell this disc.

Just reunite with the Police already, WON’T YOU??

(And I bet unlike most dinosaurs, they could record a pretty good album.  Because Sting can still write.  He just doesn’t work in that three piece sound anymore, and now’s the time to RETURN TO IT!)

68. Vince Gill "These Days"

Sales this week: 14,578
Cume: 76,648

On one hand, I applaud the dude.  Following his muse.

On another I think too much good sex must have blinded him to reality, FOUR DISCS?

Do we divide this number by four?

Four discs, four different genres.  Why didn’t you drop them over the period of a year or two, let them stand on their own, give us a chance at DIGESTING THEM!  We eat three meals a day, they don’t serve us breakfast, lunch and dinner all at once.

This won’t happen in the total file era.  This stuff will be dribbled out over time, not released once on disc.  Save the album?  If it generates something like this, GOOD RIDDANCE!

69. Montgomery Gentry "Some People Change"

Sales this week: 14,533
Cume: 51,651

Good record.  How do I know?  I HEARD IT!  On Sirius, or XM.

The track is catchy.  Sounds like something a rocker might have cut in California in the seventies.

So, if you wear leather and only go out at night in New York City, this might not be for you.

And, if you follow country music religiously, you might say this is tripe, like Brooks & Dunn.

But as a neophyte, as one with an uneducated country ear, I LIKED THIS!  And ain’t that what it’s all about?

84. Dixie Chicks "Taking The Long Way"

Sales this week: 12,261
Cume: 1,689,621

With Rumsfeld gone, with the Democrats back in power, isn’t it time to give a reprieve to the Dixie Chicks?  Isn’t it time for country radio to admit it was wrong, and reinstate the group on its playlist?

The nation is nowhere near as red as the media thought, we’re not as nationalistic, pro-Iraq as everybody thought, we’re not all in support of George Bush, THAT’S FOR SURE!

An olive branch is required.  Too bad the CMAs were before the election.  Like the draft dodgers in Canada let back in the country in the Carter era, it’s time to allow these girls to come back home.

Furthermore, with these sales numbers, it seems the public is more enchanted with the Chicks than MOST country artists!

89. Clay Aiken "Thousand Different Ways"

Sales this week: 11,345
Cume: 388,890

If Doogie can, you can too.  Yup, it’s time to come out.

HOPEFULLY you’re gay, because only a stunt on national TV could resuscitate this record.

102. Aerosmith "Devil’s Got A New Disguise"

Sales this week: 9,841
Cume: 45,407

No he doesn’t.  This is the same greatest hits that have been purveyed in compilations for thirty years.

As for the new stuff…  Like you expect it to be any good?

Go back out with Motley Crue.  Keep playing the hits live.  Keep running yourself into irrelevance.

Tyler and Perry might still be twins, but they’re no longer toxic.

104. Kenny Chesney "Live: Live Those Songs Again"

Sales this week: 9,743
Cume: 271,413

Well, if you want anybody to care, you’d better not sing the old songs again, but get back together with the old girl.

Ms. Had Me At Hello eviscerated Kenny’s credibility.  He should be focusing on rebuilding that, not trying to cash in in the fourth quarter with an album only diehard fans want to buy.

118. James Taylor "Christmas Album"

Sales this week: 8,641
Cume: 30,148

Seems that everybody who wanted it picked it up two years ago at Hallmark.

Or, could it be hard to get the press interested when you’re basically re-releasing a record.

James is out basically solo now, thank god

Enough with the casinos, enough with the endorsements with heart defibrillator companies, can we make it about music again?

136. Decemberists "Crane Wife"

Sales this week: 7,464
Cume: 69,166

As the Eagles once sang, ALREADY GONE.

They needed to sign with a major label for THIS?

Whatever the muscle of a major label, they can’t get you on a radio station that doesn’t exist, one from decades back, that’s interested in a broad swath of quality music more than advertising.

142. George Jones & Merle Haggard " Jones Sings Haggard, Haggard Sings Jones: Kickin’ Out the Footlights… Again"

Sales this week: 6,914
Cume: 15,119

Couldn’t Steve Bing have backed these guys instead?

179. Scissor Sisters "Ta-Dah"

Sales this week: 5,428
Cume: 91,803

Big in England…  Look what it did for the ARCTIC MONKEYS!

America doesn’t fall for this "Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert" stuff.  We don’t like irony, we like meat and potatoes.

But really, isn’t Trans World the story here?  Not that the album would have sold that many more copies if it had been in Trans World stores, but that Trans World boycotted it to begin with.

CD prices are too high.  No one knew what the Scissor Sisters said at NARM until you turned it into a story.  The comment was not about you, but the BUSINESS!

Why don’t you, Trans World, beat up on your suppliers for lower prices instead of picking on this little act.  You proved your point, squashing a nobody.  Feel good about it?