I had to turn on "Letterman" to see Howard rake Les Moonves over the coals.

Actually, playing the straight man, Letterman had the funnier material.  Saying that Les had done fine by him.  Still, we root for Howard.  It’s the fact that deep down inside he hates himself.  A personal viewpoint that not only Jews can relate to in America.  Don’t YOU hate yourself?  God, every time I turn on the TV I feel inadequate.  So Howard decided to do something about it.  He got plastic surgery.  He had a bit shaved off the end of his nose and fat sucked from his gobbler.  Had anybody else done it I’d have resigned from their fan club.  But you know that Howard looked himself in the mirror EVERY DAY and wondered…would his life be better if he LOOKED better?  That’s how fucked up American society is.  A guy worth hundreds of millions of dollars, all of which he’s earned on his talent, thinks he’s a loser.

And I’m with Howard on this lawsuit.  Not only because it was dirty pool for Les to play along and say everything was cool when Howard was still on CBS, but because only in this fucked up country can corporations sue individuals who can be bankrupted by their defense.  Oh, Howard can afford it.  But how about those people the RIAA sues.  The DEFENSE would eclipse the settlement.  The RIAA has deep pockets.  There’s often NOTHING IN the pockets of the file-trader.  And, do you think after settling people are going out and buying CDs??  They may not be file-trading, but they’re not buying.  It would be like giving money to a guy who beat you up.  I hope this suit doesn’t turn Howard into Lenny Bruce, doesn’t become the only thing he can talk about, still…hearing Howard rant and rave for the better part of an hour was not riveting television.  We’ve seen this act before.  The put upon Howard.  And how many times can you watch "Duddy Kravitz"?

Now the nature of television is that you can’t turn it off.  Which is why I hardly ever turn it on.  So, when Howard finally exits, I flip over to Jay, whom I used to like as a standup but hate as a late night host because he’s so fucking NICE!  NOBODY’S that fucking nice.  Jay’s so thrilled to be working at NBC that he won’t say a single thing bad about his bosses.  And if you don’t ever hate your job, don’t ever feel put upon, then you’re either not human or stuffing your feelings down.  I know Jay’s human, from seeing him in the comedy clubs, so this false TV act turns my stomach and keeps me from tuning in.  But, last night I stayed on NBC.  Not for the guest further down the couch, Simon Cowell (isn’t Simon a big enough star that he gets to leave after his shtick?), but Lisa Lampanelli.  It was like watching a wreck on the freeway.  One car skidding into another and then a chain reaction of HILARITY!

It was the way Lisa jumped right over the boundaries.  Hitting on Simon.  Stating that nobody was tuning in "American Idol" to see Randy Jackson (I mean would the ratings dip if he was replaced?) and Paula’s just interested in finding five new guys to fuck.  This was the anti-Jay.  Maybe even the anti-Howard.  She was feeling bad about herself but she wasn’t going to complain, she was going to put forth the position that people like her RULED and the celebs, as well as everybody else, better be WORRIED!

Oh, Lisa talked about her ex-husband.  A 400 lb. Italian guy.  And went on to state that since "The Sopranos" everybody Italian has taken on a Mob persona.  She was having trouble with a new boyfriend and her ex said he could help her out, he was CONNECTED!  "To the end of a FORK!" Lisa said.  And it worked.  Since Lisa looks like the average American…OVERWEIGHT!

And then she started hitting on Kevin.  Saying she loved the black guys.  Because they loved her.  It was her big ass.  God, if the cops were shooting he could hide BEHIND IT!

And then she said God created gays so fat chicks could have friends.  I mean I WANTED to go to bed, but now I’m laughing out loud.  I’m hoping she’ll go on FOREVER!

She was a tour-de-force.  Of the type we no longer see on TV.  Since the medium killed standup comedy.  Yup, through overexposure.  Music wasn’t the only victim of the small screen.

And I caught Lisa in "The Aristocrats".  But not watching TV almost at all, I’d missed out on her ascension.  Her peak at the Pamela Anderson roast on Comedy Central.  Wherein she said:

"Pam Anderson has dated Scott Baio, the singer from Poison, and the drummer from Motley Crue.  VH1 should do a show on her life called ‘I Fucked the ’80s’."

If you don’t think that’s funny, you just don’t have a sense of humor.

Hell, read an interview of Lisa at: Queen of Mean

Or watch her tell this joke at the aforementioned roast (bleeped, of course):
Lisa Lampanelli Roasts Pamela Anderson

Lisa’s funnier than the lauded Sarah Silverman.  And better than the KLSX morning host Adam Carolla.  I don’t see why CBS didn’t replace Howard with HER!  Oh, don’t go on about it being a male audience.  This is a disaster area I’d tune in to EVERY DAY!  The kind of irreverence we got in the back of the class in high school, the exact same type you want when you’re stuck in your car during your endless commute.

Oh, don’t give me shit about coming to the party late.  I admitted I’m television-challenged.  But that’s how you do it these days.  You come up slowly.  Then no one begrudges you when you finally hit.  Your long time fans can say they were into you FOREVER and won’t abandon you as you reap the rewards of ubiquity.

It always comes down to talent.  Too much of what’s purveyed these days isn’t even second-rate.  And I won’t say Lisa Lampanelli is George Carlin, then again, did you notice that Carlin’s last HBO special wasn’t funny?

Lisa Lampanelli’s website

(Oh, and just one more.  In case you don’t click through to the radaronline article:

Radaronline: What group, ethnic or otherwise, annoys you the most right now?

Lisa: Soccer mom types.  Not all of them, but for a lot of white women it seems like when they have kids their ability to think drops out of their cunts.  Suddenly everything is seen through that filter of motherhood.  I have to censor myself on the radio because your little ugly tyke is in the car with you?  I take offense at those bitches who were sucking cock at frat parties five years ago but now that they’re mothers we have to pretend they’re pure.  Come on, ladies!

Ain’t that the TRUTH!  And in a society where there’s so little of it, when you encounter someone saying what you know to be true you BELIEVE in them, you INSTANTLY become a fan!)