1. Madonna Confessions On A Dance Floor"
Warner Brothers

Sales this week: 344,061
Debut

Madonna is sleeping well tonight.  If she’s sleeping at all, if she’s not busy planning her next attack on society.

On one hand I feel sorry for Madonna.  Who can SHE talk to?  Who can understand and relate to HER story?  I mean at least Bob Dylan can talk to other musicians, they share that bond.  Whereas all Madonna possesses is fame.

It’s a living movie.  Woman believes success will solve all her problems.  But it never does.  Sean Penn dumped her.  Dennis Rodman kissed and told.  Now we’ve got the Kabbalah fiasco.  Really Madge, what’s the difference between you and the Scientologists, between you and the Evangelical Christians, that you need a book for insight.  I thought enlightenment came from within.  But I guess if all you’ve got inside is raw desire, a hunger to let people know you’re better than them, you’ve got to place your faith in something OUTSIDE yourself, because to look inside…

Maybe Madonna should join a twelve step program.  I’d like to see her make amends.  Apologize to all the people she stepped on and ripped off to get to where she is.

But really, I don’t give a fuck about all that or her music.  It’s just that I’ve got to keep HEARING about it.  You wonder why the kids have tuned out.  You see the hype is DEAFENING!  It’s like the entertainment business is on a scorched earth mission to reach every human being on the planet, to let them know…there’s a new Madonna album out?  God, if the entertainment business promoted John Kerry, he’d be President now.  People would know that Iraq had nothing to do with Al Qaeda/9/11.  But in the topsy-turvy world we live in the lives of celebrities and their so-called "work" is important, but education and knowledge of public policy are not.  It’s like the sixties have been eviscerated, everything music stood for is now gone.

I about puked when I saw Madonna on the cover of "Rolling Stone".  But read Neil Strauss’ article.  It goes nowhere, but it does reveal one thing crystal-clearly: Madonna needs to have the biggest dick on the planet.  Kabbalah shmabbalah, this woman is as enlightened as a turnip, and just about as musically talented.  Her desperate need to be at the center of the public eye is evidence of how low society has sunk.  Please, take your money and recede into the sunset.  But all her money and fame ain’t gonna make her life work, ain’t gonna insure immortality.

I leave the Michigan queen with the legendary words of the aforementioned Bob Dylan, from "It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)":

For them that think death’s honesty
Won’t fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely

That’s Madonna.  She thinks her shit doesn’t stink.  She’s perched herself alone, at the top.  That’s not a place anybody wants to be.  The rewards come from being in the pit, with everybody else.

4. Mariah Carey "The Emancipation Of Mimi"
Island

Sales this week: 182,873
Percentage change: +370%

Mariah Carey, the comeback queen of 2005, shocked the industry with her deservedly successful album "The Emancipation of Mimi." (See my 4-star review for my thoughts on the music) It achieved what was considered unthinkable just three years ago: multiplatinum sales and a string of hits for the once-troubled diva. Apparently, that’s not good enough for Universal, the parent company of Mariah’s label. This week, they’ve released two additional editions of "Mimi," and, frankly, neither of them is worth your time and money. The "Ultra Platinum Edition" has four bonus tracks and a DVD featuring the music videos "It’s Like That," "We Belong Together," "Shake it Off," and "Get Your Number." Before I get to the bonus material, I can’t help but wonder why Universal felt the need to release a total of FOUR versions of the same album within one year. It’s part of an unsettling trend in the music industry (forcing fans to pay for the same music at least twice), and it proves just how desperate these labels are for sales. The additional bonus songs include the single "Don’t Forget About Us" and a remix of her Number One hit "We Belong Together." They’re not bad, but why couldn’t these tracks be released separately on an EP? Adding a mere four songs onto previously released material is frankly insulting. As I mentioned before in another review, I have nothing against labels that reissue classic records. But re-releasing a multiplatinum album within months of its release is tacky and it’s an all-too-transparent way to milk a cash cow dry. If you have no version of "Mimi," and you really love Mariah, then this edition is the way to go. But if you already have the original release and you feel the urge to grab this one, then you should follow the advice of one of Mariah’s titles: shake it off.

And you say the public is stupid.

This was the review of the album on amazon.com by Addicted To The Groove under the heading "Universal Milks Its Latest Cash Cow Dry".

Let’s call it a fire sale.

8. Green Day "Bullet In A Bible"
Reprise

Sales this week: 96,991
Debut

The old days live, in a punk band from San Francisco.

How come Green Day is the only act to put its beliefs on the line.  No other major act would name its new album this.  Applaud Green Day.  They’re the last best hope.  Madonna may shock us, but she’s got nothing to say.  It’s what between the ears that counts, not what’s on the outside.

14. Bruce Springsteen "Born To Run: Anniversary 3-Disc Set"
Columbia

Sales this week: 58,270
Debut

How many copies of one CD does one man need?  Newly-remastered?  What about my GOLD CD, that you charged so much for.  Am I supposed to believe that’s just SHITE now?

And enough with the remastering bullshit.  CDs sound horrible.  The sampling rate is just too low.  And nobody can play SACD and DVD-A.  Really, if you wanted to impress the cognoscenti, the people who pop for this box, the original album should have been reissued in a half-speed mastered vinyl edition.  More people have turntables than SACD or DVD-A players and vinyl sounds warm in a way that CDs don’t.

Shy of that, why not release the DVDs only?  That’s all the true fan needs.  Oh, they probably will, in a few months, next year, after they’ve ripped off the true fans who MUST own and see the DVDs now.

When even Bruce Springsteen resorts to ripping off his audience you know the business is in the dumper.  Bruce, what do you say to all those steelworkers who bought "Born To Run" on CD already, FUCK YOU?

Meanwhile, let’s just go on record, one of the great things about "Born To Run" WAS the lousy sound.  It was made to sound like a 45 coming out of an AM car radio speaker in the dash.  Isn’t a crystal clear version an oxymoron?

20. Santana "All That I Am"
Arista

Sales this week: 47,742
Percentage change: -32%

This is nothing that you are Carlos.  You were a guitar player who took us on astral trips.  A San Franciscan Moody Blues, if you will.  "Timothy Leary"?  Now you’re just another oldster shilling for a buck.  "Soul Sacrifice" indeed.  You’ve sacrificed yours to Clive Davis.

This album is tanking.  Will Clive reach into his bag of tracks and buy a hit track?  Oops, Elliott Spitzer’s made it harder.  And now that he’s angling to remove Andy Lack, Clive has got bigger fish to fry.

Carlos Santana might be making some bucks, but he’s sacrificed his integrity.  And your integrity is all you’ve got.  Money can’t buy you fan love or belief.

24. Neil Diamond "12 Songs"
Columbia

Sales this week: 43,167
Percentage change: -53%

12 songs you can’t buy at any price, since Sony recalled all the discs because they compromised computers.  More evidence that labels don’t care about careers, only the bottom line.  Look at the 52 acts whose CDs and careers have been compromised.  Their public is mad at them.  They look like pansies.  Even though under the onerous contracts they signed they couldn’t prevent their albums being released in a compromised form.

This would have never happened thirty five years ago, when the acts had power.

Wouldn’t have happened twenty five years ago, when Tom Petty refused to have his album released at $8.98, a new high price.  MCA needed the money, Tom needed his credibility.  He didn’t want his fans to be guinea pigs.

Neil Diamond’s comeback has been compromised by some suits completely out of touch with not only the street, but careers.  And these fucks want a percentage of ROAD business, are you kidding me??

35. Ashlee Simpson "I Am Me"
Geffen

Sales this week: 31,522
Percentage change: -17%

Yes, it’s you, a pathetic loser.

At least Milli Vanilli is remembered.  At least its members did a mea culpa.  When are you going to apologize Ashlee, for being a vapid, ignorant scab on the backside of the entertainment industry?

In the old days, Ashlee and her dimwitted sister would have been the sideshow, not the main show.  They’d exist in some "16" ghetto.  But in today’s train-wreck society, quality is secondary to salability. We’ve had to endure oppressing hype about Ashlee.  We’ve had to see her on SNL TWICE!  (Then again, I stopped watching again.  Even Tina Fey is no longer funny.  Don’t they know it’s not about set-up, but punch line?  Don’t they know the basic rules of comedy?)

I’m stunned David Geffen hasn’t insisted, like the Nazi in "The Producers", that they remove his name from the label.  And, Herb and Jerry, I know you have a contractual provision ensuring the moniker A&M continues to exist, but all this does is sully the brand name in the mind of the consumer.  Let it go.

37. Alicia Keys "Unplugged"
J Records

Sales this week: 28,809
Percentage change: -13%

All that hype, and after a month nobody cares?

That’s the business.  It’s one of hit singles.  No hit, no sales.

Alicia Keys doesn’t have fans of herself, she has fans of her HITS!

Actually, who could be a fan of Alicia.  Always in a different headdress.  Always existing in a rarified world the rest of us don’t inhabit.  Aretha Franklin didn’t need outfits, she just stood up on stage and SANG!  Aretha can still sell out today.  Alicia Keys in a few years?

The business has to stop forcing acts down our throats and let acts grow organically.  WE’VE got to kick the tires and decide where to place our belief, the labels can’t do this for us.  But that’s what they’re doing.  It’s a circle jerk comprised of the labels, radio and the complicit acts.  The public’s not involved.  The public doesn’t believe in Alicia Keys, doesn’t believe in anybody other than a few rappers and those on indies.  Rap needs the hype, for you can’t break it on the road.  As for acts not reliant on turntables, TURN THE HYPE DOWN!

41. Jimmy Buffett "Live At Fenway Park"
Mailboat

Sales this week: 27,578
Debut

Make no mistake.  Jimmy Buffett might be at the bottom of this chart, but he’s making the most MONEY!  Because he distributes his records himself.  And takes the lion’s share of the revenue.

Then again, you can only sell your records yourself if you don’t need the hype, the major label machine.  You can only get people to buy your albums if they BELIEVE!

Jimmy Buffett’s big hits are decades in the past.  But go to see this guy in concert.  It’s the best party you’ll go to all summer.  Jimmy’s the anti-Madonna.  He’s not saying LOOK AT ME, he’s saying I’M WITH YOU!  We’re going to hang here tonight, laugh, get high and have a good time.  And, you have such a good time that you’ve got to buy some merch, and you come back next year and buy the endless retread product.

Jimmy Buffett has built an empire.  It’s not much different from the Eagles’ empire.  Or Metallica’s.

You see, it’s about the ACT, not the label.  Hell, these acts have OUTLIVED not only the tenure of the executives who signed them, but the labels THEMSELVES!  Jimmy was signed to ABC.  The Eagles were on Asylum.  Metallica, Elektra.  They all had incredible managers legendary for beating up the labels, not being in bed with them.  And isn’t it funny that they still exist.

Now the businessmen are part of a cartel.  Including the label execs, the attorneys and the managers.  THEY continue to exist, and the acts are gone.  Last time I checked I thought these people were supposed to be IN SERVICE to the acts.  Ain’t that a joke.

42. Alanis Morissette "The Collection"
Maverick/Reprise

Sales this week: 27,187
Debut

How many times can the same tracks be repackaged?

Who’s buying this, ZOMBIES?  Do they not realize they already own it three times?  Assuming, of course, they continued to buy Alanis’ records.

Really, you only need the first.

But they re-released that ALREADY this year, albeit in an acoustic form.

Alanis got freaked out by her success.  And then she got happy.  She lost her raison d’etre.  She’s got nothing to sing about anymore.  Until she gets divorced, I say we enforce a recording embargo.

46. Blink-182 "Greatest Hits"
Geffen

Sales this week: 24,002
Percentage change: -29%

See Jimmy Buffett above.  Only a handful of years later, no one cares about this MTV band that used to sell out arenas.  Shit, who wants to admit to liking these guys.

Oh, they weren’t great to begin with.  But isn’t it funny how nobody wants the sensation of just a few years ago, the Spice Girls aren’t selling any albums and the Backstreet Boys don’t mean much, yet acts with even less success from DECADES ago still sell records?

No one needs these greatest hits albums anyway.  They’ve just downloaded the tracks they need P2P.

—

Can you see the cliff?  At the edge of the horizon?  This is going to be one of the worst Christmases of all time.  There’s no HIT PRODUCT!  Would you buy this shit?  I got e-mail from Bob Welch and he put reality into words.  You used to rely on the major label to weed through the shit, to find the best of the pack.  Now you know if it’s on a major label it’s shit.  Really, there’s some great music out there.  It’s just that it hasn’t been hyped by million dollar campaigns.  Sold out to Madison Avenue.

Indies are like cable channels.  They play to niches.  That’s what the business has become, one of a million small fan bases.  Yet the major labels still continue to search for the lowest common denominator.  Stuff that is so bland it will offend NOBODY!

Meanwhile, compare the above chart with that of CIMS (Coalition of Independent Music Stores).  You don’t see My Morning Jacket or Sun Kil Moon or Imogen Heap or Iron & Wine or Broken Social Scene in the HITS chart, but at indie stores, where real music fans shop, where records are still hand sold by knowledgeable people, real music flourishes, these are Top Fifty acts.  Yet, the majors have fucked these indie stores every step of the way.  Selling their wares to the big boxes at below indie store wholesale.  The labels are always crying about the state of affairs they’re in, saying it’s not their fault.  But it’s their incredible missteps and heinous behavior that accounts for their sales tanking.  They put indie retailers out of business.  They only focused on instant sales.  They didn’t worry about touching souls, rather just quarterly revenue.  And they’re paying the price.