What a SCAM!

I’m a bit off the Apple religion.  Well, to be specific, I still love the
products, I’m just a bit off Steve Jobs.  The Nano show pushed me over the edge. 
Not EVERYTHING he introduces is revolutionary, not EVERYTHING is
mind-blowing.  The Nano is just a tiny MP3 player.  But, at least it works.  At least it’s state of the art.  Whereas Richard Branson is selling a second-rate product
with first class marketing.

Virgin Atlantic is almost a cult.  Or Club Med.  I give Richard credit for
creating the party atmosphere.  If only he backed it up with a worthwhile
product.

The 747 I took from London back to L.A. was older than many of its
passengers.  Oh, he installed new seats.  But the bathroom fixtures had been used so much that the "H" and "C" on the spigots had been worn off.  And the thunderous noise from the engines was STARTLING!  Nobody flies 747s anymore.  Not only are they loud, they’re INEFFICIENT!  They burn a ton of fuel.  Which is why the first tier airlines have shifted to Boeing 767s.  Or Airbus 300s.  They’re
MODERN planes.  The 747 first hit service in 1970, and it shows its age.

Oh, all the extras are perfect.  There’s a ticket counter separate from
check-in at Heathrow.  Which is something all airlines should have.  Then again, on
other airlines although there’s always somebody hogging an attendant, at
least the line MOVES!  We all know that flying has changed since 9/11, but half an
hour to check in to an airline that has few flights to begin with is
ridiculous.

Richard names each one of his airliners.  Adorns them with a Vargas-style
girl.  And the flight attendants are decked out in pumps and red suits.  And
they’re breezy to boot.  If only they were delivering a first class product.  The
chicken they served at lunch was only a tad larger than a nugget.  I just
about popped the tiny bird into my mouth whole.  It’s a bad sign when you’re on an
eleven hour flight and you’re starving ninety minutes in.  It’s not like
there’s a McDonald’s in the back of the plane.

And they served a protein-challenged panini three quarters of the way
through.  And the final snack…was a wimpy cream cheese pocket that was inedible. 
Why not make it like American from NYC to L.A. SELL me the damn food.  At least
I’ll get enough.  And it’s BETTER than conventional airline food.

But the main reason I took Virgin was the in-flight entertainment system.

Luckily I was in an empty row.  Since the volume control didn’t work in my
original seat.  I shifted to the window but the lights were so bright it was
hard to see the screen, even with the shade pulled down.  And the center seat?? 
The screen had a SCRATCH!  Actually, not one, but MANY!!  I mean it’s not like
I was hopping over a couple of states, I was flying to a whole ‘nother
CONTINENT!

And the foot space in the center seat.  Half of it was taken up by some sort
of black box.  I haven’t seen one of these SINCE the seventies.  Somebody
figured out this pisses customers OFF!  I mean isn’t the seating CRAMPED ENOUGH? 
Shouldn’t you at least be able to stretch your legs out a little bit?  God, if
I’d paid for that seat and the plane was full I would have either killed
somebody, thrown them out of the plane and stolen their seat, or killed myself.

Then again, once I figured out the controller, which is probably second
nature to an adolescent gamer but is slightly counterintuitive to a videogame
challenged individual like me, I found a PLETHORA of stuff I wanted to see.  After
studying the "New Yorker" (read Malcolm Gladwell’s story on getting into
Harvard and the one on the L.A. "Times") and failing to fall asleep I fired up
"Layer Cake".  I almost went to see this in the theatre.  This is the kind of
stuff that Americans no longer make.  God, the English SPECIALIZE in these
mobster/crime flicks.  Everything from "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" to
"Croupier".  Oh, it wasn’t perfect, but at least the camera techniques fit the
project, the filmmakers just weren’t showing off.  They must have cut some of
Sienna Miller’s role, since it didn’t seem like she’d hook up with the main
character at the end, but I was riveted.  Almost to the point where I wanted the
flight to be a tad longer, so I could watch another flick I’d missed.  Like
"Cinderella Man".

Richard Branson is a genius.  A tireless self-promoter who gets us to
purchase a second-rate product.  THIS is the kind of individual who used to rule the
music business.  AND the movie business.  Self-made individuals thinking
outside the box who were the show THEMSELVES!  Now everybody’s so corporate, the soul is gone.

I felt like at any minute they were gonna ask me for change for gas.  Or that
I’d have to pitch in and help push the plane into the gate.  All the while
telling me it was FUN!  I felt beaten.

But even though they cracked a three hundred dollar item in my suitcase, I’d
take the airline again.  Because even though I feel safer on American, I feel
like somebody’s on the ball, they don’t have the entertainment system.  That’s
the contradiction.  The little things make the difference.  I’m willing to
overlook all the bullshit just to watch movies.  I feel like Homer Simpson.  Or,
then again, I’m just a classic American.

So, don’t be bedazzled by Sir Richard.  But if you’ve been too busy to go to
the multiplex for months, HIS is the airline to take!