I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see

So, we’re walking out of the restaurant, having decided we should finally
leave, after they’ve raised the music, blinked the lights and we’ve noticed we’re
the only people left, and this song goes through my head, Joni Mitchell’s
"All I Want".

If an artist wrote a song with this title today, it would be a laundry list
of desires. It might include a Bentley, a private jet, and a movie/model
boyfriend/girlfriend. Whereas Joni’s "All I Want" is purely about emotions and
interactions. She’s not looking for anything physical, rather, she’s looking for
what money can’t buy. Still, it’s different. Oh, it’s not only what she’s
looking for, but who she IS! She’s revealing her foibles, but also laying out
her non-negotiable neuroses, this is her, she wants to play, do YOU? Because
that’s where the rewards are, in relationships. Oh, they’re difficult,
sometimes IMPOSSIBLE, the wrong person is worse than being alone, but when there’s a spark, a connection, you feel alive in a way you seem to have forgotten,
there’s a bounce in your step, you don’t SEE the possibilities, you SENSE them,
it’s like someone has opened a door you didn’t even know existed and you get a
peek through and your heart starts to flutter, you feel like a kid at
Disneyland, inside you tell yourself THIS is what life is about!

I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause – life is our cause
When I think of your kisses
My mind see-saws

That’s what’s great about music. It’s there for you. Oh, you don’t need an
iPod, or a satellite radio, built inside your brain is a tiny hard drive, one
of the new super-dense ones, that contains all of your personal greatest hits,
songs you forgot you even knew, and at the appropriate time the
oompah-loompahs in your head, who know what’s happening with you just a second before you do, they cue up the appropriate track. And it’s one thing when you’re walking down the street, marching through an airport solo, but when you’re with another person, it’s so strange, because they can’t HEAR the music, the question arises, do you TELL them? Knowing that their hard drive is just a bit different, that there’s some overlap, but really, they’ve got different songs in their
brain? Furthermore, the reason the song is going through your brain is because
of what it says, what it MEANS, and if you reveal this to another person will
it be just too much, will your secret be out, will you lose your negotiating
power, your ability to manipulate, your ability to ESCAPE! Will you just be
there in your naked honesty, and can you HANDLE that?

I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
Want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want – do you want – do you want
To dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby
Well, come on

Who’s in control? Most relationships are a battle. Does the male play the
classic role, making all the moves, or is he fearful of being the sexual
predator depicted again and again in the media? Or, in the alternative is the male
so weak he picks someone who will make all the decisions for him, give him a
life, even though ultimately he’s surrendered not only his soul, but his dick?
Joni’s approach is a bit different. She’s laying it all out, she’s putting
it out there for you, all her warts and all her special qualities, so YOU can
make the decision. She wants to play, can you handle HER? It’s not that she’s
exactly a handful, she knows she’s got quirks, but she also knows she
delivers something you can’t get anywhere else, if you dig her act, it’s the only
place it’s available. Do you want to enter the game, knowing there are going to
be fits and starts, that it will get ugly where you don’t expect it to, but at
other times you’ll get rewards you couldn’t even conceive of before you met
her?

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be

A friend of mine told me she goes on two dates a week. I don’t think I go on
two dates a year. Dating isn’t really a word in my lexicon. Dating implies
trying things on for size, kicking the tires, SHOPPING! I HATE shopping. I’m
not in the market for much, but when I want something, I know exactly what it
is, I’ve done my research, I just go out and BUY IT! But you can’t shop for
other people the same way you can for a computer, or a car stereo. Still,
that doesn’t mean I’m armed with no intelligence. I’ve got my senses. I’ve got
to FEEL something. And THEN I play. And it’s difficult. Because I’m driven
to play by instinct, I know I must go forward, but it’s so DIFFICULT! Maybe
because of the rust as a result of the recent absence of trial runs, maybe
because as the years have passed I’ve become accustomed to the solo life, I’ve
made it work. But if it TRULY worked I wouldn’t be traveling, I wouldn’t be
searching, looking for SOMETHING! Still, I’m not exactly sure what it is I’m
looking for.

All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too

When I was younger, I thought love was bending reality to fit the fantasy.
And, if it didn’t work, the key was to find someone new, who came with enough
of the desired attributes so you could start again further up the food chain.
But then I found out these other people, who I thought were better, the
connection, what drew me in was only skin deep, and actually, the person left behind was closer to what I was really looking for, that you couldn’t deny all the
work that had been done to build a relationship, that I’d picked someone more
right the first time! Then again, relationships are not singular affairs. It
takes two. Sometimes they’ve left me looking to fulfill THEIR fantasies.
But, as you get older, as TV and Top Forty radio abandon you, you realize the
fantasies are just that. That real life never comports with your preconceived
conception. Can you accept this? That’s what getting older is about, deciding
that a situation is right enough and then trying to make it work. No, that’s
not it. I’d rather stay home and read a book than be out with the wrong
woman. No, being an adult is making your choice, deciding to play and making no
effort to change the other person, rather to see the differences as ADVANTAGES! Growing older is learning all that you don’t know, losing your confidence, and realizing that the way THEY do it, the difference might be the REWARD!

I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free

So I told her. While we were standing by her car. That "All I Want" was
playing on the hard drive in my head. There was no instant note of recognition,
she knew "Blue", but as for this particular song… But it wasn’t about the
mutuality anyway, it wasn’t about the shared experience, rather, it was about
me. Me revealing my truth, what I felt inside. That’s what relationships are,
telling your story, your innermost secrets.